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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Outraged by the comments on my dd

224 replies

EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 12:51

My DD has just turned 13 by this October and is 5'11 and has a very solid built not only for her age, but for any woman in general. She's very confident about herself and I'm very proud of her.

However, this has caused quite a lot of people commenting on my dd. Even though most of the comments were particularly nice, some comments are very disgusting and I'm really afraid that might make her quite insecured.

I've received quite a lot of not so reasonable comments from other people about my dd.

From a fellow parent, "She's so massive. She's on the verge of being overweight."

From another fellow parent, "She's so huge. Do you check her weight?"

Other comments are like, "She's a giant", "She looks like an adult" and so many mean comments.

Where does these comments come from? Did I ask for these comments from them? Some people are so mean. I don't want my dd to feel unhappy about her size growing up and never specially at this stage.

What are the effective ways to reply to these comments?

OP posts:
Housebuyer37 · 04/12/2023 12:53

Fuck off springs to mind but I'm sure somebody else will have more constructive advice!

MrsJamin · 04/12/2023 12:54

I'd tell them they were being very rude and to mind their own business.

alnbewests · 04/12/2023 12:55

You're unfortunate to know so many rude and unpleasant people, I'd get better company.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2023 12:56

I find "fuck off and mind your own" works wonders in this situation.

Floopani · 04/12/2023 12:56

Housebuyer37 · 04/12/2023 12:53

Fuck off springs to mind but I'm sure somebody else will have more constructive advice!

This was my immediate reaction too! How dare they!

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2023 12:57

“Jesus Christ, Why the fuck do you think it’s okay to say that?”

Missingmyusername · 04/12/2023 12:57

Some people are so mean.- Well you’ve hit the nail on the head OP.

I would probably reply with “Yes she’s lucky to be so statuesque, try not to let it worry you”.

TeddyBeans · 04/12/2023 12:57

"she also not a narrow-minded prick but I guess we can't all be so lucky"

What a bunch of twats. Literally verging on 'How dare a young woman be comfortable in her own skin? We must do everything in our power to break her self esteem'

RoseBucket · 04/12/2023 12:58

I’m not sure what solid build means but that’s awful to say esp from another parent!!

User1775 · 04/12/2023 12:58

I used to reply with a comment about their appearance
"yes she is tall but young people are much taller than our gneration, you are very short aren't you, were you malnourished as a child or very ill?"
"yes she is wonderfully tall, it is great, are you ok by the way, you're so scrawny I have been worried you are seriously ill"
Soon shuts them up.

Maray1967 · 04/12/2023 12:59

If go with ‘I beg your pardon?’ followed by a pointed stare.

Maray1967 · 04/12/2023 12:59

I’d not if

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 04/12/2023 12:59

If your 13 year is overweight or obese then your focus here is in the wrong place.

nutbrownhare15 · 04/12/2023 13:00

'I was brought up never to comment on people's weight, it's so rude! Please think about the impact your words have on others and the people that love them'

LauderSyme · 04/12/2023 13:01

How frickin rude. Say so, calmly.

"It's very rude to make uninvited personal comments like that".

And if you want to to go for the jugular add "Good job I taught dd this years ago or we'd have mentioned your <whatever body part> by now".

JudgeJ · 04/12/2023 13:03

Housebuyer37 · 04/12/2023 12:53

Fuck off springs to mind but I'm sure somebody else will have more constructive advice!

Seems constructive enough to me!

I was my current height , 5' 7'''when I was about 12/13 too and I used to get jokey comments like Is it cold up there? but nowadays there seems to be the Let it all hang out attitude to comments, no-one seems to realise the offence they're causing. I'm sure people had nasty thought 60 years ago but at least they were decent enough to keep them locked up.

CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 04/12/2023 13:05

OK I’m going to phrase this incredibly carefully and apologise in advance in case I say something offensive.

I know this isn’t how things inevitably are, but objectively speaking food and weight are not morally offensive (or morally right/wrong). If your DD is proud of herself and has healthy self-esteem, that’s brilliant! But you also need to work on realising that whatever these awful people say isn’t a valid moral judgment that should affect her self-esteem. Even if someone says she’s overweight and you react strongly as a counterweight to what you perceive as an insult, you might reinforce the idea that thin is good, fat is bad.

The internet is full of body-positive models and sources that she may already have found, but if she hasn’t, point them out to her to bolster what already sounds like a healthy self-regard :) honestly I’m really hoping this generation will escape the level of dysfunction mine had around weight.

One final word inspired by my DP who knows he’s overweight (BMI around 30) but also knows he’s VERY pretty - take the focus off her body. Concentrate on her hair, hands, face or even better stuff that is unrelated to her body! If you act like it’s no big deal about her weight she will learn to model that behaviour. If it becomes medically dangerous she will be told by medical professionals etc. also maybe think up some snappy comebacks to those who do comment.

eardefender · 04/12/2023 13:10

Mature reply: Don't body shame a 13 year old please, she is only a child. I also think it is really sexist to tell girls that they have to be a certain type of body shape, should we not know better from our generation. I don't appreciate your comments and i really think you need to think about what your attitudes are to children and girls. I am disappointed you think that way.

In reality i probably would have just gazed at them open mouthed and managed an OMG.

Original poster
EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 13:11

Also, I forgot to write this thing. She's not even overweight. She's an athletic kid doing really good in sports and studies as well.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2023 13:14

Housebuyer37 · 04/12/2023 12:53

Fuck off springs to mind but I'm sure somebody else will have more constructive advice!

My first thought as I read it.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 13:15

She is very tall so of course she's going to be bigger and I agree that people are astonishingly rude to be commenting on her size. Having said that, and I'm sorry OP if this sounds rude too, but in my experience, most people are very hesitant to say anything even when a child IS overweight, so I can't help wondering if you are slightly in denial here?

Both of my children have been overweight in the past, for different reasons. In DS' case, I'd go so far as to say I suspect he'd have been considered obese. And it was frustrating for me because if we were out somewhere with a good friend, I might say privately that could we aim to avoid the cafe with the ice cream or whatever, and I'd be told repeatedly that my children are NOT overweight when they very blatantly were. Especially DS. The school was the only one who was honest about it and I had a number of conversations with them about it.

So for you to be getting these comments does make me worry that perhaps there's real concern from people around you.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/12/2023 13:15

‘She’s got a mean left hook, as well’.

Sonolanona · 04/12/2023 13:17

I was 5 ft 7 and 9 stone at 12... giant of the class.
I'm 55 now... still 5 ft 7 and about 9 stone 4... haven't changed very much!
I remember the comments when I was your DD's age and it was awful, but gradually my friends caught up, and some overtook me.

I think Fuck Off is the prefect response !

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 13:18

I think I would go for "On what planet is it acceptable to comment on someone's weight or size, especially a child's?"

Catsfrontbum · 04/12/2023 13:22

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 13:18

I think I would go for "On what planet is it acceptable to comment on someone's weight or size, especially a child's?"

I like this.