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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Outraged by the comments on my dd

224 replies

EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 12:51

My DD has just turned 13 by this October and is 5'11 and has a very solid built not only for her age, but for any woman in general. She's very confident about herself and I'm very proud of her.

However, this has caused quite a lot of people commenting on my dd. Even though most of the comments were particularly nice, some comments are very disgusting and I'm really afraid that might make her quite insecured.

I've received quite a lot of not so reasonable comments from other people about my dd.

From a fellow parent, "She's so massive. She's on the verge of being overweight."

From another fellow parent, "She's so huge. Do you check her weight?"

Other comments are like, "She's a giant", "She looks like an adult" and so many mean comments.

Where does these comments come from? Did I ask for these comments from them? Some people are so mean. I don't want my dd to feel unhappy about her size growing up and never specially at this stage.

What are the effective ways to reply to these comments?

OP posts:
JustAMinutePleass · 04/12/2023 17:06

Ignore them. They will be so jealous when the puppy fat melts away and your daughter begins to look like a supermodel.

UnbreakMyFart · 04/12/2023 17:15

Ugh, we can see from this thread that sadly lots of people feel the only acceptable physiques for young female teens are:

  1. tall and willowy
  2. short and slender See also the MN cliche of the 6 foot rugby playing son who eats them out of house and home with not a scrap of fat on him blah blah.

More power to your daughter's elbow, @EllaBella11 , may her confidence be as strong as the rest of her.

ElmtreeMama · 04/12/2023 17:17

@UnbreakMyFart
It's depressing isn't it, it's one of the more depressing threads I've read in a while!

bombastix · 04/12/2023 17:23

I am sorry to say that as someone who is 6 foot and used to get comments like these you have to be fairly direct. There is not a polite way to deal with this kind of thing as you have to refer to them in similar terms "but your children are so small" or "aren't you worried so and so had stopped growing?".

Being tall is like any other physical attribute. If someone is rude enough to make a direct reference then you do the same to them. They stop then.

RunBun2 · 04/12/2023 17:25

When I was about 12 I went to a friend's house and her mum answered the door to me and said 'HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH NOW? YOU ARE HUGE'. I wish I'd had the courage to tell her to f-off.

People who think it is OK to comment on another person's weight are rude and insensitive.

BTW I am now a fit and athletic adult.

UnbreakMyFart · 04/12/2023 17:26

JustAMinutePleass · 04/12/2023 17:06

Ignore them. They will be so jealous when the puppy fat melts away and your daughter begins to look like a supermodel.

She may not have 'puppy fat', this may be just her build. And if it is, THAT'S FINE. The narrative doesn't have to be that she ends up with a model's physique so that the naysayers learn their lesson and OP can breathe a sigh of relief that phew, her DD didn't actually turn out fat.

Christ on a bike, will people get over the idea that women have to be teeny tiny little things, or tall willowy models?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/12/2023 17:27

"Goodness, I am sure you did not mean to be as judgmental/body shaming/nasty as that just sounded?!"

Fionaville · 04/12/2023 17:34

Wow! So bloody rude!
This could be my DD. I've not had anybody say anything like that to me. She did have a phase before puberty hit when she gained weight, then she had a growth spurt and 'stretched out' lots of people said "Oh she's lost weight" which annoyed me a bit too. It's annoying that people still comment on a girls weight either way!
I'd be prepared to tell people to mind their own bloody business in the future (I'd say worse if it was a derogatory comment)

lunar1 · 04/12/2023 17:43

Pick something you know they are insecure about, and comment on it, loudly.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 04/12/2023 18:00

I get the opposite re: my daughter: "she is so petite", "she looks tiny next to X ( her cousin who so younger by a year and a half)", i have had enough and I just said, well we are all different look at me and you, we have very different body types ( the person commenting on my daughter is younger than me but very overweight), guess what? Haven had any comments re my daughter's height and built from her since that day 😂

maddening · 04/12/2023 18:02

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 04/12/2023 12:59

If your 13 year is overweight or obese then your focus here is in the wrong place.

Still not OK to comment

Original poster
EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 18:28

Moreorlessmentallystable · 04/12/2023 18:00

I get the opposite re: my daughter: "she is so petite", "she looks tiny next to X ( her cousin who so younger by a year and a half)", i have had enough and I just said, well we are all different look at me and you, we have very different body types ( the person commenting on my daughter is younger than me but very overweight), guess what? Haven had any comments re my daughter's height and built from her since that day 😂

Well, I should stop being humble and reply with these kinda stuffs from now on.

OP posts:
Longtalllizzie · 04/12/2023 19:13

My 12 year old son is 6’ 1” and we get A LOT of comments about his height. He hates it. Not sure what advice to give you but I understand what you’re going through! It’s so weird that strangers feel like they can still comment on other people’s size!

Turquoise123 · 05/12/2023 17:49

I am really shocked by these -who on earth would say this sort of thing. I would not be able to come out with some of the witty/ clever comments on this thread but I think I could say “that’s unpleasant please don’t say anything like that again.

Dmak · 05/12/2023 17:50

Hi .. I was your daughter .. I matured earlier than other girls my age. Was taller , broader and confident! I am
with the rest in The fek off comments as that was then and we didn’t really conform as much as the clones today ! Celebrate your beautiful daughter. Be grateful your daughter is healthy and happy x

AnnieSnap · 05/12/2023 17:59

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 04/12/2023 12:59

If your 13 year is overweight or obese then your focus here is in the wrong place.

That is not what the OP is saying. Your comment is a perfect example of why she started this thread FFS! 🙄

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 05/12/2023 18:17

UnbreakMyFart · 04/12/2023 17:15

Ugh, we can see from this thread that sadly lots of people feel the only acceptable physiques for young female teens are:

  1. tall and willowy
  2. short and slender See also the MN cliche of the 6 foot rugby playing son who eats them out of house and home with not a scrap of fat on him blah blah.

More power to your daughter's elbow, @EllaBella11 , may her confidence be as strong as the rest of her.

Yes, every MNer's daughter is willowy and model-esque. With teenage boys, they're either 6'+ beanpoles or 6'+ rugby player types (just like his dad).

With the latter, I imagine many on MN would describe that build as "losing sight of a healthy weight" if it were someone they hadn't married or given birth to.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 05/12/2023 18:18

Just glare at them with a digusted/annoyed facial expression and don't say anything at all. I guarantee they won't say it to you again

Feenollfarleen · 05/12/2023 18:25

My DD is much the same, solid build, very fit, very confident, but my poisonous SIL, who to put it kindly is pear shaped, made the comment to me that DD was a bit large for her age. I just craned my neck to look over her shoulder and said I'd start worrying when DDs arse was as big as hers. SIL stormed off and I havent heard from her since. Result!

BaseDrops · 05/12/2023 18:27

Have you tried a shocked face double take then exclaiming “OMG I hadn’t noticed, when did that happen?” Eye roll, move on.

I like “what a peculiar thing to say” then changing the subject.

If they persist after a clear warning off it’s gloves off time.

“You have mentioned DD’s appearance a few times, are you concerned about your child?”

“That sounded incredibly rude, did you mean it to be?”

Neriah · 05/12/2023 18:36

I was / am your daughter. 66 years old now. But I had all that crap. To my face, not just to my parents. My dad was a blunt man. My mums retort was that I needed to be bigger to fit in my brains.

JhsLs · 05/12/2023 18:42

“Sorry, can you repeat that?” Followed by “I’m not sure that’s an appropriate thing to say.”
Or “Don’t body shame my child.”

Perky1 · 05/12/2023 18:44

I would ask ‘why are so interested in my daughter’s body?’

RetirementIsGreat · 05/12/2023 18:46

Reminds me of the old adage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". Tell them that.

ButterCrackers · 05/12/2023 18:49

Say that you are going to repeat the comment back to them in a way that it applies to them or their child (if they have a child). Then tell them that you hope they can now understand how inappropriate the comment actually is.