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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Outraged by the comments on my dd

224 replies

EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 12:51

My DD has just turned 13 by this October and is 5'11 and has a very solid built not only for her age, but for any woman in general. She's very confident about herself and I'm very proud of her.

However, this has caused quite a lot of people commenting on my dd. Even though most of the comments were particularly nice, some comments are very disgusting and I'm really afraid that might make her quite insecured.

I've received quite a lot of not so reasonable comments from other people about my dd.

From a fellow parent, "She's so massive. She's on the verge of being overweight."

From another fellow parent, "She's so huge. Do you check her weight?"

Other comments are like, "She's a giant", "She looks like an adult" and so many mean comments.

Where does these comments come from? Did I ask for these comments from them? Some people are so mean. I don't want my dd to feel unhappy about her size growing up and never specially at this stage.

What are the effective ways to reply to these comments?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2023 13:57

Maybe try looking at them and saying her doctor has no concerns about her weight or health and those sort of comments can lead to teenage girls developing eating disorders.

Benibidibici · 04/12/2023 13:57

If she's not actually overweight (be careful here, we've become so used to seeing overweight children we don't notice it) then just shrug and say "gosh that's a rather rude way to refer to her height".

Didimum · 04/12/2023 13:59

People are such pricks, aren’t they.

appalledandtired · 04/12/2023 13:59

Tell them to Fuck off and Die.

Peablockfeathers · 04/12/2023 13:59

I hate that some people feel the need to comment on others' bodies. I am 5'11 and have to say its only in the past few years I've felt confident in it due to the comments people made growing up. Sadly don't have the answer but there are some good suggestions.

appalledandtired · 04/12/2023 14:00

Benibidibici · 04/12/2023 13:57

If she's not actually overweight (be careful here, we've become so used to seeing overweight children we don't notice it) then just shrug and say "gosh that's a rather rude way to refer to her height".

Dear God

ichifanny · 04/12/2023 14:00

we get this too my 10 year old is 5ft 7 people are so rude and obsessed with females weights some people are just big I’m not sure why it offends people so much .

ichifanny · 04/12/2023 14:01

Why are people obsessed with other peoples weight .. fuck off and mind your own weight .

sweetpickle23 · 04/12/2023 14:01

Think it's worth pointing out to some posters that even if OP's daughter was overweight (the horror!!!!) it's still massively inappropriate to comment on anyone else's body, much less a 13 year-old's.

00100001 · 04/12/2023 14:01

How much does she weigh and how tall is she?

It's just some people think their kid is stocky/well built/have big frame etc but their child is actually overweight.

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2023 14:01

Honestly, don’t even get involved in explaining or justifying that she is not overweight. They have made up their narrow little minds. I would definitely ask why they think it’s okay to say shit like that and walk off.

Didimum · 04/12/2023 14:01

Benibidibici · 04/12/2023 13:57

If she's not actually overweight (be careful here, we've become so used to seeing overweight children we don't notice it) then just shrug and say "gosh that's a rather rude way to refer to her height".

Why only ‘if’ she’s not actually overweight? Are overweight people fair game for body commentary?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 04/12/2023 14:02

Some people are monumentally thick, in that they understand what a little child is and they know what an adult is - and that they come in all shapes and sizes - and yet they somehow struggle to understand quite how the one becomes the other.

It's like an unpleasant version of "Haven't you grown?!" - but in a ridiculous and unwarranted sense of judging of a person for undergoing an entirely natural and expected process rather than of a loving and encouraging if slightly embarrassing celebration of it.

Do these same people get off on the cognitive dissonance of admiring beautiful butterflies whilst also choosing to spend their precious time staring and tutting in judgmental horror at pupating caterpillars?!

Saytheyhear · 04/12/2023 14:04

"That's an odd comment for an adult to about a child. Rest assured that what you have said is none of my child's business. So if I find that she has heard similar comments, I will be back to discuss your behaviour."

RenegadeMrs · 04/12/2023 14:05

I'm 6ft and was at 14.

You can't contol the comments. People are as a group generally curious and can be rude. Usually (but not always) because they are are oblivious about how they come across. Up to you if you want to spend your life correcting everyone, but from my exprience it's futile. Just cut out the rude bastards and try not to interact with the again if you can.

It will get better over time, but 14-18 when everyone else catches up a bit is a pretty awkward age (at least it was for me) because you do stick out like a sore thumb compared to the other kids.

It important you model being proud of who you are and accepting difference in yourself and other people. Stress that everyone is different, and that although other people can be rude and ignorant, you don't have to place any value in the words of rude and ignorant people.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 04/12/2023 14:06

In any group someone has to be the tallest, someone has to be the smallest and someone has to be a prick.

Best to ignore it, think "what a fucking idiot" in your head but say nothing to her face and come here to vent.

Girls who are strong and confident in their bodies thrive. It sounds like she has natural gifts and it's wonderful that she is making use of them. This reads to me like a happy tale, you sound very proud of her, and rightly so.

honeylulu · 04/12/2023 14:07

Can't believe people are so rude and thoughtless to make such personal comments! It's not unusual for 13 year olds to be adult sized. I was full adult height with a "woman's figure" when I was 12-13. People commented on it all the time and I HATED it. It also made people think I should "act my size" and take on responsibilities I wasn't ready for. In my head I was still a little girl! I used to walk with a stoop to try and look shorter and with my arms folded to try and stop people looking at my boobs. Ugh!

Good for you protecting your daughter! Tell them to mind their own business and not be so bloody rude about a child!

Flippityflippidy · 04/12/2023 14:08

Benibidibici · 04/12/2023 13:57

If she's not actually overweight (be careful here, we've become so used to seeing overweight children we don't notice it) then just shrug and say "gosh that's a rather rude way to refer to her height".

So basically you're saying that any teenager who IS overweight is fair game for any vitriol that people want to hurl at them?

cerisepanther73 · 04/12/2023 14:08

Its tempting to say fuck off and mind your business too

wildwestpioneer · 04/12/2023 14:08

I agree with a pp who said tell them to fuck off. It's incredibly rude of them and I'd call them out.

'She's massive/overweight'

'Do you realise how incredibly rude you've just been by saying that, luckily my dd is sensible enough to know she's fit, healthy and not over weight, not that it's any of your business, and she's proud of the way she looks. You might want to think about how damaging your words could be if a child who was already conscious of how they look could be'

Or alternatively - 'I think you should mind your own business you rude cow'

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 04/12/2023 14:09

Flippityflippidy · 04/12/2023 14:08

So basically you're saying that any teenager who IS overweight is fair game for any vitriol that people want to hurl at them?

Show quote history

I don’t think that’s what @Benibidibici is saying at all.

Tiedtoatwat · 04/12/2023 14:10

As a shortarse, I would say, "isn't she blessed?"

Pigsears · 04/12/2023 14:10

'massive' , 'huge' 'giant' relate to physical size and not just height. None sound complementary.

Nothing wrong with noticing someone's physical features but it is when people apply negative connotations.

Possible retort:
Yes, my daughter is beautifully tall. I've not thought of her as 'insert slur here '.

.......
Btw my DD is 14 and 6ft and an awesome child. I'm very proud and totally biased.

SunshineAutumnday · 04/12/2023 14:11

We're a tall, solid family.

I had a bad week last week and my reponses to the horrid lady who shouted at me "can't believe how huge you are, it's not right being that big" was "I can't believe your not dead".. not my greatest moment but god it made her stop right there.

VickyEadieofThigh · 04/12/2023 14:11

Mariposista · 04/12/2023 13:43

This.

If she is a healthy weight for her height and age, has a very healthy diet and takes plenty of exercise and is developing normally- great, no issue at all and the commenters should shut up.

But if she is ‘overweight but I don’t care’/ ‘overweight but happy in my own skin’, it’s not - she is a child and should not be overweight.

Show quote history

"If" is doing an interesting job there, don't you think?

The point is exactly what you suggest - her mother knows she's healthy, has a good diet and takes plenty of exercise. But people AREN'T just "shutting up" - they're making comments that could, in fact, cause the girl to develop a poor self-image and even an eating disorder.

Her mother is, I think, looking for responses to HELP them "shut up".

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