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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Outraged by the comments on my dd

224 replies

EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 12:51

My DD has just turned 13 by this October and is 5'11 and has a very solid built not only for her age, but for any woman in general. She's very confident about herself and I'm very proud of her.

However, this has caused quite a lot of people commenting on my dd. Even though most of the comments were particularly nice, some comments are very disgusting and I'm really afraid that might make her quite insecured.

I've received quite a lot of not so reasonable comments from other people about my dd.

From a fellow parent, "She's so massive. She's on the verge of being overweight."

From another fellow parent, "She's so huge. Do you check her weight?"

Other comments are like, "She's a giant", "She looks like an adult" and so many mean comments.

Where does these comments come from? Did I ask for these comments from them? Some people are so mean. I don't want my dd to feel unhappy about her size growing up and never specially at this stage.

What are the effective ways to reply to these comments?

OP posts:
Ineedanewsofa · 04/12/2023 13:22

I too was 5’11” at 13 as well as being “solidly” built (referred to, more than once as a brick shithouse by a family member!) like pp above my height and weight have remained pretty similar since, others eventually caught me up. I leaned in to my size and did sport/activities where it’s an advantage. I’d have been mortified to learn my friend’s parents were talking about me however so please don’t let on to dd about that

Whataretheodds · 04/12/2023 13:24

Reply "I find it strange when people comment on the size of other people's teenage children".

billycat321 · 04/12/2023 13:28

She has probably stopped growing. I did at 13. 5ft 6 and nine and a half stone. Still the same 70 years later!

Shrammed · 04/12/2023 13:28

That's not an appropriate comment or shut up.

I do know what you mean one of mine bulked out centrally at around 11 with no real dietary of exercise changes - people couldn't stop commenting she got upset and self conscious even with me stopping them when I was around - she then shot up a entire foot and people just made worse comments around periods starting - they actually hadn't.

It was unnecessary and deeply inappropriate - some people have no filters - even when you tell them to shut up.

Minion21 · 04/12/2023 13:32

You could tell them they should accept themselves for who they are an that envy is not good for them, especially because if they don't change it will literally eat them up in the next few years, when your DD will become a statuesque woman and they not only will stay short or shorter for life, but, much more importantly, never grown up as human beings.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 04/12/2023 13:34

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/12/2023 13:15

‘She’s got a mean left hook, as well’.

Best come-back I've read so far on this thread!

BiscuitsandPuffin · 04/12/2023 13:34

I think people pointing out when a child is overweight is society's way of trying to take care of them and head off overfeeding at the pass. Her height is irrelevant if she's still wide for it.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 04/12/2023 13:39

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 13:15

She is very tall so of course she's going to be bigger and I agree that people are astonishingly rude to be commenting on her size. Having said that, and I'm sorry OP if this sounds rude too, but in my experience, most people are very hesitant to say anything even when a child IS overweight, so I can't help wondering if you are slightly in denial here?

Both of my children have been overweight in the past, for different reasons. In DS' case, I'd go so far as to say I suspect he'd have been considered obese. And it was frustrating for me because if we were out somewhere with a good friend, I might say privately that could we aim to avoid the cafe with the ice cream or whatever, and I'd be told repeatedly that my children are NOT overweight when they very blatantly were. Especially DS. The school was the only one who was honest about it and I had a number of conversations with them about it.

So for you to be getting these comments does make me worry that perhaps there's real concern from people around you.

People are weird about tall girls. I was tall when I was a child (stopped at 13 at 5’6”). People who knew me then had an idea in their heads that I was ‘big’. I wasn’t. You look at any photograph of me from that time and I was slim. Not super-skinny I grant you. But slim — size 8 to 10.
@OP. I second all the direct and even sweaty responses. In what universe are personal comments remotely acceptable? And tall people usually know they’re tall.

Baftler · 04/12/2023 13:40

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 13:18

I think I would go for "On what planet is it acceptable to comment on someone's weight or size, especially a child's?"

This, always this.

Birchtree1 · 04/12/2023 13:41

I am 5'11 and have been since I was about 14 or so. It is hard for a girl. All I can say is support her as much as possible and build her confidence. I found it hard to be mistaken for an adult all the time and boys being shorter than me.
Am happy now but struggled when I was young.

Mariposista · 04/12/2023 13:43

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 04/12/2023 12:59

If your 13 year is overweight or obese then your focus here is in the wrong place.

This.

If she is a healthy weight for her height and age, has a very healthy diet and takes plenty of exercise and is developing normally- great, no issue at all and the commenters should shut up.

But if she is ‘overweight but I don’t care’/ ‘overweight but happy in my own skin’, it’s not - she is a child and should not be overweight.

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 13:44

I am sure you are absolutely on this, OP, but just to second those who say stand up for her and scaffold her self-esteem at every opportunity. Society is terrible at treating physically mature girls as older than they are, when they are just children and in many cases in receipt of attention which is totally inappropriate for their age and with which they have no idea how to deal, often from adults who should know better.

nettie434 · 04/12/2023 13:44

Shocking comments! How about 'I wonder if Hannah Waddingham used to get this sort of abuse. If she did, she's been so successful that I expect she's put it all behind her.'

Pipsquiggle · 04/12/2023 13:46

Obviously not condoning what people have said, however, by the sounds of it, your DD will look very different from the rest of her cohort (at the moment) and a lot of people will absolutely thinking about how tall she is.
This does not mean that people should openly comment and you should put these prats in their place.

I am assuming that you and /or DD's father are tall so it would be obvious why your DD is tall.

user1477391263 · 04/12/2023 13:48

I would never comment socially and most people would not. So if you’ve had multiple comments on her weight, I suspect she is actually pretty overweight and I agree with PP that you do sound like you are in denial about this.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2023 13:50

Show her Brianne of Tarth and how absolutely amazing she is. Tall girls need representation!

LBFseBrom · 04/12/2023 13:50

MrsJamin · 04/12/2023 12:54

I'd tell them they were being very rude and to mind their own business.

Exactly.

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 13:52

BiscuitsandPuffin · 04/12/2023 13:34

I think people pointing out when a child is overweight is society's way of trying to take care of them and head off overfeeding at the pass. Her height is irrelevant if she's still wide for it.

It's not society's way of trying to take care of them and 'head off overfeeding'. It's people being rude. It is absolutely not the business of other people to try to 'head off overfeeding' in relation to a 13-year-old girl. It's fucking weird to be commenting at all on the body of a 13-year-old girl.

(Also the OP has pointed out that her daughter is not overweight.)

OP, I would absolutely tell people that yes, she is tall, but it's incredibly boring and tedious having to constantly answer intrusive questions about that and that they really should mind their own business.

My first boyfriend was over six foot when I started going out with him and he'd just turned 14 then. He was also very well-built, like a rugby player. I guarantee you that while people would say 'You're a big strong lad!' or 'Blimey, you're a tall one!' nobody ever asked his parents if they were worried about his weight or anything like that. He was generally praised for being such a strapping specimen, in fact. People are weirder about girls' bodies than boys'.

LakeTiticaca · 04/12/2023 13:52

I would say "at least she hasn't got a face like the arse end of a crashed bus like you" 😉

takealettermsjones · 04/12/2023 13:52

I think you should say "why are you making unsolicited comments about a child's body?" and then literally repeat it word for word after every subsequent comment. They will shut up very quickly I'd imagine.

I would also be mindful of doing this in a cheery way in front of your daughter, rather than getting upset. She's going to have these comments throughout life unfortunately, so modelling the right reaction now will really help her.

Depending on how comfortable you are with her swearing, you could catch her eye and pat your pockets, say "just looking for a fuck to give, have you got any DD? No? Are you all out as well?" etc 😆

Spinet · 04/12/2023 13:53

There are always a couple of posters on a thread about size who will make warnings about obesity and health in children. I disagree with them generally (I don't think they care about others' health I just think they enjoy a good old fat-bash).

When it comes to teenagers though please KEEP YOUR MOUTHS SHUT. I know 3 or 4 teenage girls who have come/ are near death with anorexia. Commenting on any teenagers bodily appearance for any reason at all is completely unacceptable.

TragicMuse · 04/12/2023 13:53

I'd go with something like 'and this is your business how, exactly?'

Fuck them. It doesn't matter whether she's fit and healthy or not, fact is it's fuck all to do with them. Their fake 'concern' can get in the bin.

OutsideLookingOut · 04/12/2023 13:55

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2023 13:50

Show her Brianne of Tarth and how absolutely amazing she is. Tall girls need representation!

I mean almost all super models?

Gillypie23 · 04/12/2023 13:56

Tell them to shut their judgey mouths.

sweetpickle23 · 04/12/2023 13:56

Your poor DD!

I was 5'10" and built when I was a teen- not overweight just broader and taller than my classmates. I felt self conscious about it all the time, so well done to her for being confident about herself, it's not easy at that age.

I got a lot of comments along the lines of what you've described, and honestly if my mum had just stuck up for me a bit more I would have felt better about them- she probably agreed with the comments so never spoke up!

I think if she'd told them to fuck off and mind their own I would have been much happier and grown up much more self confident as a result. You're a great mum for wanting to have her back.

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