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AIBU?

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Original poster

Outraged by the comments on my dd

224 replies

EllaBella11 · 04/12/2023 12:51

My DD has just turned 13 by this October and is 5'11 and has a very solid built not only for her age, but for any woman in general. She's very confident about herself and I'm very proud of her.

However, this has caused quite a lot of people commenting on my dd. Even though most of the comments were particularly nice, some comments are very disgusting and I'm really afraid that might make her quite insecured.

I've received quite a lot of not so reasonable comments from other people about my dd.

From a fellow parent, "She's so massive. She's on the verge of being overweight."

From another fellow parent, "She's so huge. Do you check her weight?"

Other comments are like, "She's a giant", "She looks like an adult" and so many mean comments.

Where does these comments come from? Did I ask for these comments from them? Some people are so mean. I don't want my dd to feel unhappy about her size growing up and never specially at this stage.

What are the effective ways to reply to these comments?

OP posts:
CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau · 04/12/2023 14:14

God, even if OP’s daughter were massively overweight, which she is not, the only possible people she might harm in the remote realms of probability are a) other people she deliberately squashes or b) pets she deliberately squashes. Apart from herself, and she’s old enough to consider that for herself. Comments are just going to be detrimental if they attach a moral or societal value to weight. It’s a good thing that she has healthy self-esteem. The comments of hateful strangers or even friends should be treated as what they are - beneath her notice.

LakeTiticaca · 04/12/2023 14:14

@SunshineAutumnday great comeback!! 👏👏👏

Badgrief · 04/12/2023 14:14

Perhaps remind these people that your daughter can't 'ungrow' her height but they can learn to stop making rude and unwanted comments about a child's body.

LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2023 14:16

Fraaahnces · 04/12/2023 12:57

“Jesus Christ, Why the fuck do you think it’s okay to say that?”

THIS!!!

Call every single one of these people out on their complete lack of connecting their brains to their mouths!

I'd actually add to this "Is it any wonder that so many young women end up with anxiety or eating issues when grown adults come out with such insensitive and thoughtless remarks?"

namechangingisboringme · 04/12/2023 14:20

Effective ways to communicate this is not ok.

”fuck off Hazel you massive prick”
”oooh Christine you’re a bit glasshousy with your unjust judginess”
”Margaret your opinion is neither warranted nor needed, fuck off”

and if anyone of the above starts sputtering and asks why you’re defensive or angry or starts the rebuttal with “I’m not being funny/offensive/mean but…”
you tell them you’d explain your reaction, but you can’t understand it for them. Or, my personal favourite “I’d love to explain it but I’ve forgotten my crayons…”

thick people everywhere.

bashstreetkids · 04/12/2023 14:21

I’m 5’11 and have been since I was 13/14. I am retrospectively furious at the constant comments throughout my teenage years from anyone and everyone about my height and appearance. This includes comments from my friend’s mother ( I was wearing hideous pe knickers on sports day) about how gangly my legs were (I looked like an ostrich apparently and she thought I needed to hear this directly).

It is thoughtless at best and dangerous at worst to comment on a teenage girl’s body in any way. You are totally justified to call it out and shut it down.

Ohnoooooooo · 04/12/2023 14:23

I would say "She's an early bloomer like me and I am so proud of her how she doesn't let people making comments about her growing body affect her confidence."
Let them wonder if you are having a go at them or not.

Ohnoooooooo · 04/12/2023 14:27

I get some of these suggested come backs - I would be furious too at what is being said to your daughter. But by swearing at people you would shift the focus of the real crime - idiots commenting on a child's body - to your swearing if you take this route. Take the superior high ground and be clever with your come backs. Its easy to swear at someone - not so easy to have a clever come back on the tip of your tongue.

SignoraItaliana · 04/12/2023 14:27

Nobody should ever bodyshame a child.

Peablockfeathers · 04/12/2023 14:27

00100001 · 04/12/2023 14:01

How much does she weigh and how tall is she?

It's just some people think their kid is stocky/well built/have big frame etc but their child is actually overweight.

It's still not alright for people to pass flippant comments about size is it? If someone is genuinely hand on heart concerned then that's different, nothing OP has said suggests that this is the case. It's being a tall woman that people take umbridge to for some reason, I was extremely slim as a teenager and still got so many comments about being a giant, being huge and whatever else (oh as well as being called lanky, beanpole).

Kissmystarfish · 04/12/2023 14:30

TeddyBeans · 04/12/2023 12:57

"she also not a narrow-minded prick but I guess we can't all be so lucky"

What a bunch of twats. Literally verging on 'How dare a young woman be comfortable in her own skin? We must do everything in our power to break her self esteem'

This!! With bells on

JoeyRamonesHair · 04/12/2023 14:31

Ugh, horrible isn't it? Both Dds were 5ft8 at 12 and towered over everyone and got the comments. It's just rude!

fulawitt · 04/12/2023 14:32

Bullying a young girl is not on, you have all my sympathy. IRL I would be super mean. This is very real : all the tall girls I know were absolutely bullied. Then there is such thing as karma. Tall people have it. They do better in life. Maybe because they have to be resilient. I would concentrate on my girl. "From time to time in life you see a toad, it croaks loudly, as expected. This has absolutely nothing to do with you."

tkwal · 04/12/2023 14:33

"Yes, isn't it great she's so healthy and talented "

ittakes2 · 04/12/2023 14:33

appalledandtired · 04/12/2023 13:59

Tell them to Fuck off and Die.

I kind of suspect, while the OP might feel this way, she is likely to know how to swear and is looking for clever come backs....

Pugdays · 04/12/2023 14:33

Mine were all in adult sizes by age 11.
They are adults now and all over 6 foot
The last year of primary they all stood out as thebiggest and tallest
By secondary years they didn't stand out
Everyone is different,Is all I would say the any comments,
I'd probably think fuck off ,but I'd just say we are all different and move the conversation on...show your not bothered and your dd will follow

fulawitt · 04/12/2023 14:34

Being mean is I would sue you. Hand on my heart.

saveforthat · 04/12/2023 14:36

bashstreetkids · 04/12/2023 14:21

I’m 5’11 and have been since I was 13/14. I am retrospectively furious at the constant comments throughout my teenage years from anyone and everyone about my height and appearance. This includes comments from my friend’s mother ( I was wearing hideous pe knickers on sports day) about how gangly my legs were (I looked like an ostrich apparently and she thought I needed to hear this directly).

It is thoughtless at best and dangerous at worst to comment on a teenage girl’s body in any way. You are totally justified to call it out and shut it down.

I came on here to say exactly the same thing. I'm really disappointed because you do see a lot more tall girls nowadays (compared to when I was young) so I thought it may have improved. People used to say to me, you are really, really tall. When I got a bit more confidence I started to reply "would you tell someone they are really really fat?" Nevertheless I walked with a stoop for many years trying to be shorter.

Veryirritating · 04/12/2023 14:37

I was the other end of the scale and had comments from teachers such as “well, stand up girl” at the start of the first lesson when we stood to say good morning to her.
Also had a P.E teacher say if my legs were a bit longer I would be really good at long jump.
C’est la vie.

HellInABasket · 04/12/2023 14:39

has a very solid built not only for her age, but for any woman in general.

@EllaBella11 what exactly do you mean by "solid built"?

The comments you quote are quite weight focussed

From a fellow parent, "She's so massive. She's on the verge of being overweight."

From another fellow parent, "She's so huge. Do you check her weight?"

but they you say she's athletic and not overweight.

It's possible to be athletic and overweight and it's odd that people are commenting on her weight if she isn't at all - is she tending overweight/overweight?

Or do you mean she has a stocky muscular body type and has no spare fat?

Daphnis156 · 04/12/2023 14:40

Sorry this is happening, as you say, so mean.
Just wondered whether it would be better in any reply, not to actually refer to any of the characteristics causing the mean comment, in case that merely leads them to dwell on them more.

billy1966 · 04/12/2023 14:40

Reply to this?

"Who the hell do you think you are speaking about MY daughter in such terms? What an absolutely disgusting way to speak about any child. You should be ashamed of yourself"....this should said in a loud voice that really carries.

Draw as much attention to them and what they have said, as possible.

Utterly shame them.

I wouldn't tolerate the slightest criticism of my childrens appearance from ANYONE.

Push back hard.

That is not normal either.
Have never come across it.

ChanelNo19EDT · 04/12/2023 14:41

Unbelievably rude. I'd stare at their big ears, big nose, uneven teeth just a liiiittle too long.

Peacelily001 · 04/12/2023 14:43

I was 5ft 8 at 13 - still am now.

I work in the community and visiting a patient a couple of weeks ago, her husband said ‘aren’t you huge?’ when I walked in the room.

I replied ‘aren’t you rude?’ That shut him up, rude git.

Ive put up with this bullshit for years (size 16 now, but was much slimmer when I was young).
It makes me furious when people think they can comment on anyone’s size, big or small, but to a child it’s just plain nasty.

NovemberAutumn · 04/12/2023 14:43

Goldbar · 04/12/2023 13:18

I think I would go for "On what planet is it acceptable to comment on someone's weight or size, especially a child's?"

I like this also.