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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

202 replies

bigappler · 03/12/2023 22:46

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

OP posts:

TurquoiseHexagonSun · 05/12/2023 20:14

Not hugging a child does not necessarily equate to being cold towards them. I agree with pps who have said it's the disparity of treatment between OP's s/kids and own kids that is the problem here, but there are other ways to show people you care about them than hugging. Just saying.

Simplelobsterhat · 05/12/2023 20:26

I don't think OP sounds cold towards them at all. She said she is 'taking a real interest in what they do, sending them affirming messages when I know they have something big on or they are worried about something, taking care when choosing gifts for them etc'. To me all of that, especially thinking to send them a message about what's happening in their lives, shoes much more care than a few hugs.
And I don't think anyone would hug a 15 year-old the same amount as a 2 year old so I don't think the difference matters. And the older ones have their own mum to hug, so why would they expect the same?
I know people are pointing out that they were younger when she first met them, so she could have started then, but do people really want other adults to be physically affectionate with their children when they've just met them?

Squidlette · 05/12/2023 21:05

I would struggle to be physically affectionate to other people's children. I just don't like it. Not even nieces and nephews, to be honest.

I have one physically affectionate child and one who would rather live in a cold shed than have anyone invade their personal space. My affectionate to them is denoted through shared jokes and eye contact.

Sunnydays60 · 05/12/2023 21:09

I honestly don't get the assumptions some people are making. It's not like she said her sc come to her for affection and she turns them away. If they don't approach her and she feels weird approaching them, I'm not sure what can be done. Granted it's not the optimum situation, but as much as treating the kids differently might stand out, awkwardly hugging them would stand out as different too. As others have mentioned, why would you try and hug a kid if you felt they didn't want it (which I'd imagine is why a lot of people feel awkward giving affection - because they're not that into it and they don't want to force it and end up with a negative reaction coming back at them)?

When I was younger I worked as a baby sitter/governess with a few families and all the kids were different and I adapted accordingly. Some bounced all over you and were really into hugs, others just wanted to chat and others were super awkward and if I had have tried to hug them, I think might have gone into shock! Not to say if someone with a different, more huggy, personality interacted with those same kids they wouldn't have engaged in (or tolerated) a more physical relationship. But everyone is not the same. I'm actually quite taken aback as to how many people think it's totally achievable to change such a large aspect of your personality. I wonder if they themselves are as skilled at being chameleons as they think.

jellybeanathome · 05/12/2023 21:31

This is interesting because after your OP, I would have said you were being cold and you needed to be kinder but after you're other posts I think it sounds like you are being affectionate, just not in a physical way.

They're old enough, why don’t you sit down and have a chat with them? 'Your dad is worried that... do you understand that I show my love for you in a different way to him. I do XYZ whereas he does ABC. I won't initiate a hug because ... but if you ever need a hug, my arms are open.'

Mumkins42 · 05/12/2023 21:54

I think you're being cruel regards his children. The fact he has said something says alot. It isn't fair to be so warm to your own kids but not them. Can't you just make more of an effort with them. Spend time with them and show them you care. I would find this so difficult to deal with if I were those children. The other stuff I get.

Blueink · 05/12/2023 21:57

Smartiepants79 · 03/12/2023 22:54

I think that with the children you might have to make a bit of an effort.
If you are clearly physically affectionate and demonstrative with your own children but give NO physical affection to your step children then you’re sending a very clear message that you don’t like them that much or see them as your family. This may not be strictly fair but it would be how it looks to the children and their father.
I’m not a very physically affectionate person, my DH is, I make an effort for him because it’s important to him.
The odd hug for your step kids would go a long way I think.

I agree with this.

Not to go over the top, but making more effort to close the gap in affection between SDC and your biological DC.

allmyliesaretrue · 05/12/2023 22:14

I think people vary enormously here, and nobody is wrong or right. It's just personal.

My parents were never physically demonstrative, never told us that they loved us, so that was the context I had in the world.

As a child in the 60s/70s, it wasn't a 'thing'. I would never have felt comfortable with hugging, kissing or expressing love. Obviously I did when I got together with my DH, but not anyone else. My youngest sibling is a hugger, but she was hugged and cuddled by my parents in a way that the rest of us weren't. Maybe she demanded it; I don't know.

I was determined to change that up when I had my own children. It came so naturally - I will never understand how it didn't with my parents. I literally couldn't help myself. Even now they're adults, we hug and tell each other we love them daily, including my DS aged 20, who will sneak in for a random hug!

It turns out, I'm a born again hugger!! I hug friends, family. I tell my dearest friends that I love them. I'll even hug a work colleague. I met one for the first time recently - she's young, very sweet and pregnant with her first baby and I hugged her too! I hug my nieces - don't know if I'd hug nephews but I don't know any of them for various reasons. I hug my aunties, my cousins - something we'd never have done in our younger years. I love it! I've one friend who is uncomfortable with it and we're trying to convert her 😃My team manager was described by a long-standing colleague and friend of hers as being, "like an ironing board" - but she is a really cold person.

@bigappler I understand if it's something that doesn't come to you naturally, but I think it's something you need to consider if it's bothering your DH. I can see how his kids mightn't want hugs from you, and that's ok. However, if they do, then you might have to fake it until you make it. I guess he's concerned that you are making an obvious (though totally understandable) difference between his kids and your kids.

thebestinterest · 05/12/2023 23:08

YABVU. I’d leave you. You might think it’s not harmful to his children, but it is. He should have never gotten involved with you in the first place if he knew you were like this and affection was important to him.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 05/12/2023 23:13

Well, a relationship is built on intimacy and affection is an important part of that. Obviously people differ in levels of affection but your partner has said it is causing problems. You are able to express affection with your children but unable/unwilling to in other significant relationships? This is a problem that you probably need to look into and do some work on.

witchypaws · 05/12/2023 23:24

I really struggle with hugs etc. I do love them but find it so so awkward! For me it's because my parents have never hugged me, even as a child. Can't actually remember my mum ever touching me at all

myfaceismyown · 05/12/2023 23:56

I have the opposite situation. I am affectionate but DH is not. My parents did not tell me they loved me at all growing up, as a result I always felt insecure and not good enough. When my DF was dying the last thing he said was "I love you (my name) then turned to my DD and said the same to her.. Really metered out, and chilling in some ways. It is the only time he said it, even though I told both parents I loved them many, many times.
Fortunately I have a close, loving relationship with both DCs and get all my reciprocal hugs and "I love you"s from them :)
The words are powerful OP, so please do use them when it is appropriate. Your DSCs and DCs will appreciate it when you really mean it.

Ittastesvile · 06/12/2023 00:03

My child is 3 and smothered in kisses. If I hugged my two late-teen stepsons and told them I loved them, they'd look at me like I was barmy!

I do think in a relationship you need to be open to the other person's love languages though. Mine is not words of affection but I do it because it makes DH feel loved.

Fionaville · 06/12/2023 00:05

I think you need to make more of an effort to be warmer towards his children. We all have to step out of our comfort zone at times. Maybe try to give them a big, warm "Merry Christmas" hug, when you see them for Christmas. That would actually be the natural thing to do. Then build on that.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 06/12/2023 14:16

I'm autistic and so is my son, mum and my nan (although undiagnosed), and we always laugh that this is a no touching household.

I'm very much the same OP in that I do like to be affectionate with my own child, but we don't force cuddles or kisses, and they're few and far between but when they happen they happen organically and because both me and my son would like to hug.

I've lost many relationships for being "cold" and "unwilling to change" but it's who I am and I'm not going to set myself on fire to keep others warm.

If you were comfortable with it, you could ask his children if they would like a hug when they're feeling down or excited or emotionally engaged but I wouldn't force it on them as it might be just as unexpected and uncomfortable for them as it makes you feel. However if it opens the gate to more affection and you are comfortable with it, then roll with it.

Nobody and I mean nobody should have to have physical contact with another human being if they do not consent and your husband pressuring you to, with him or his kids is not going to make you suddenly awash with love and adoration for them.

napody · 06/12/2023 14:21

Given the ages of your children and DSC in your update I think it's absolutely fine. You're right, young children clambering on you for hugs is very different (and much less 'awkward' for someone who's not that huggy) than to suddenly start grabbing a 15 year old for hugs when your relationship has always been warm but not touchy. As long as your DSC feel cared for and accepted by you I don't think you need to change.

Snowbear32 · 06/12/2023 14:55

Are you ND/autistic?

Dogeatdog · 06/12/2023 15:39

Do you have to be autistic / ND to not be ‘huggy’ ? I never have been except with my own children when they were young and neither was my family . I felt really uncomfortable hugging DH’s family when I first met them while we were courting . I’m also not very into babies or young children and when in the office , had to force myself to ‘make the right approving noises’ when others brought their babies/ children in. It was a real learning process for me in order to fit in .
i’ve never been diagnosed as autistic or ND but I suspect I am to a degree

FatFatMary · 06/12/2023 15:42

I can’t remember hugging anyone apart from men, my DC and young children in my family. I think it would be hard for me to hug 12 and 15 year old step- children as well

Yummers8 · 06/12/2023 21:18

Love this

ItsHardlyRocketScience · 07/12/2023 16:19

If you can show affection to your own children, then you can spare some for your husband's. Anything less is just cruel. YABU

Magicmama92 · 07/12/2023 22:32

You can't say it's just who you are when it's not. You show your own kids love. So your obviously capable you just don't want to. As a stepchild who got bullied and emotionally abused and left unloved please fix this. If you can't love those kids and be a steparent then you shouldn't be together.
It's not just about you. You can show love and affection without being touchy feely and be human.

Phoenixfire1988 · 08/12/2023 09:19

Magicmama92 · 07/12/2023 22:32

No where does it say she doesn't love them or show affectionate in other ways don't try pushing your experiences and trauma onto this poster

Squidlette · 08/12/2023 20:08

Magicmama92 · 07/12/2023 22:32

Oh come on!
Not wanting to hug other people's children is not exactly abuse.
Apart from the fact we've already been told they're 12 and 15 (and my home grown 14yr old wouldn't want me hugging him), some of us really, really, really don't like hugging people we're not biologically related to. I'm not even massively keen on that. My dh and kids. That's it. It just feels wrong and unnatural.

GirlsAloudReturnMadeMyYEAR · 08/12/2023 21:01

Hmm I'm not sure it matters having read what you do do for your step kids. They aren't silly, they have their own mum and will know the dynamic is different between yours and their own. Fwiw I think it's better to have a good and authentic relationship with them being who you are than it is to almost patronise them with an overload of faux affection. My family aren't huggers but we know everything about each other, they're like my best adult friends and on the rare occasion we do hug or show affection we always end up laughing at how awkward it is after. Love is shown in many ways. I know my mum loves me when she consistently hypes up any and every photo of me on social media, even ones where I'm in the background with no makeup on...text comes through with a screenshot off of someone's Facebook 'your cheekbones look amazing' LOL, she would struggle to message me saying 'I love you' though. Doesn't mean she doesn't love me, I'm the centre of her world. Same with you OP, I expect your Step kids love you for who your are to them and appreciate how supportive you sound as a Stepmum, most emotionally intelligent adults know they could do a lot worse than usually who they have and they won't be looking at what you aren't doing but rather what you are. Tell DH he needs to back off whilst you reflect as what you don't want is for his views to be imparted on them when they may not have felt like that themselves beforehand.

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