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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

202 replies

bigappler · 03/12/2023 22:46

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

OP posts:
Titsywoo · 03/12/2023 22:53

I'm a bit like this although after 22 years with DH I have become more affectionate but not because it was expected of me just because after living with pretty unaffectionate parents being with DH who also loves to cuddle did change me a bit. I still hate to be touched when I sleep and never tell people I love them. You are right it is the way you are although I think a bit of compromise is good if it is upsetting someone. When you say your DHs kids do you mean your step-children? I don't think saying you love them is necessarily expected and you can show love and affection in other ways IMO! My family are in no doubt that I love them - I don't have to say those exact words or hug them all the time to show it.

Smartiepants79 · 03/12/2023 22:54

I think that with the children you might have to make a bit of an effort.
If you are clearly physically affectionate and demonstrative with your own children but give NO physical affection to your step children then you’re sending a very clear message that you don’t like them that much or see them as your family. This may not be strictly fair but it would be how it looks to the children and their father.
I’m not a very physically affectionate person, my DH is, I make an effort for him because it’s important to him.
The odd hug for your step kids would go a long way I think.

JamSandle · 03/12/2023 22:54

Google love languages. Yours won't be physical touch and that's fine.

Smartiepants79 · 03/12/2023 22:56

And I don’t see it as ‘forcing’ me to be a different person. All relationships require compromise. We are both altering our behaviour to make the other happy.

Ofa · 03/12/2023 22:59

So you’re in a blended family in which you are hugging and kissing your biological children, but you will not hug or express affection in any way towards your step-children? That’s not ok. It doesn’t have to be specifically hugs, but you do need to make them feel loved, and at the moment you are failing in this to such an extent that even their father has noticed that you’re appearing cold towards them. It isn’t ok to say ‘but I’ve always been cold’ anymore than it would be ok to say ‘but I’ve always been nasty to his kids’.

So, fix it. Say more affectionate things to them. Hug them occasionally. If you just don’t want to? Do it anyway because you are their mother figure now and if you don’t they will grow up cold towards women.

PonyPatter44 · 03/12/2023 23:04

You can't cuddle your own kids and be visibly cold towards your step kids. That's mean. How much time do you spend with the steps (please don't say they live with you!)? Maybe this is one of those times where you have to fake it to be a decent human being.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 03/12/2023 23:05

I think you need to be a bit kinder to his children.

The rest Yanbu

theduchessofspork · 03/12/2023 23:08

A but more of an effort perhaps

RealBigBarbie · 03/12/2023 23:08

You sound exactly like me but the difference is, I’d never be in a relationship with a man that has children for this exact reason. I show love and affection to my own two but I’m not an affectionate person at all and wouldn’t be able to extend that to anyone else.

I think it’s unfair on his children though and you should try and make a bit of an effort. Especially after 7 years

iLovee · 03/12/2023 23:10

I think it does make you a bit cold tbh. Unless your step children are significantly older (20's) i would imagine they feel very unwelcome- especially if you don't use words of affirmations if you are unwilling to cuddle.

WonderLife · 03/12/2023 23:14

If your step children are young then I think you might need to make more of an effort towards them - even if it doesn't come naturally.

Snowdogsmitten · 03/12/2023 23:17

The OP has made it quite plain she’s not ‘unkind’ to the step kids, as one poster said, she has her own relationship with them and they have a good time, she just cannot force herself to be unnaturally affectionate with them. Forced affection is deeply uncomfortable for all involved so she’s right not to do that.

As a person who needs physical touch, her husband is seeing her not seek that out with his kids as ‘cold’. I imagine her relationship with them is no such thing.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2023 23:17

You sound exactly like me but the difference is, I’d never be in a relationship with a man that has children for this exact reason.

That's exactly how I feel. I was/am incredibly affectionate with my children and now that they are adults, I still hug and kiss them any chance I get. However, I know I would not be physically affectionate with other people's children, and I never would have gotten involved with a man who had children from a previous relationship.

However, since that ship has sailed, for the sake of your marriage, and for the sake of making sure his kids feel loved by you, you need to buck up and fake it til you make it. I'm not saying you have to ever reach the level you have with your own kids, but you must put yourself out there.

Telling them a quick, "Love you, Archie. Goodnight" or whatever isn't going to kill you. An occasional hug isn't going to kill you.

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2023 23:17

So what do you bring to the table OP? Your post makes you out to be cold and unkind, and stubbornly proud of that!

stardust40 · 03/12/2023 23:19

I am very similar and people who know me know this! Hugs/kisses for own kids and hubby. My bf does get the occasional hug! Weirdly as a school teacher I have no worries giving out hugs at school of the kids need it! Falling asleep .... definitely no contact!!

everythingthelighttouches · 03/12/2023 23:21

You are treating your stepchildren very differently to your own.

How old are they?

How do you think that makes them feel?

KnowledgeableMomma · 04/12/2023 04:21

Am I, and other responders, reading this correctly....that you are affectionate to YOUR children but not his?

If so, YABVU and I'll bet this colors the way his children see you (as it is definitely coloring the way DH sees you).

Personally, I wonder why does it seem awkward to you but the reason really doesn't matter to them. Fake it, pretend, imagine you are an actor in a play, but be equally affectionate.

If I am reading this incorrectly and you only have children together, then it is a little sad you can be affectionate to your children but not your husband.

Tourmalines · 04/12/2023 04:40

No , your husband is not being unfair to you . You are being unfair to him and his kids . His poor kids . Never a cuddle from their step mum . But lots and lots you give to their step siblings. Or is that half siblings? Not nice .

FiveShelties · 04/12/2023 04:44

Do your cuddle your children in front of your step children? Hoping you don't all live together.

Dogroses · 04/12/2023 04:48

OP I'm exactly the same. Never a hugger. It doesn't bother my DP who isn't very affectionate at all. Re: the stepchildren, I don't hug or kiss mine either. There was no conscious decision about that, it's just how our relationship has evolved. I am very affectionate towards my own children but they feel a bit like part of me - they came from my body! I unequivocally love them more, and my stepchildren love their parents more than they love me.

I make sacrifices for them, care for them, cook for them, have a chat and buy them gifts... It's hard enough being a stepmom without all the guilt around treating them as if they were your own.

TMess · 04/12/2023 04:49

I’m exactly like this. Mildly ND I think. I would never be in a relationship with a man with kids because faking it nonstop would exhaust me but I’ve learned how to put it on for ie nieces and nephews or close friends’ children.

PriOn1 · 04/12/2023 05:06

“I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am”

Did he know that? Was it so obvious when you met? Even if he saw it, he may have thought, that with time you would grow to be physically affectionate with your new family, having seen the way you were with your children.

It does sound like a difficult dynamic and he may now be seeing that your lack of physical contact is hurting his children. It may be that, with time, it’s becoming apparent that you/your families aren’t compatible, which doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault.

It’s not really a case of unfair or otherwise. If it’s affecting his children, it’s not unfair to try to address it with you as you are an adult. If you are unable to change, then you may have to accept that this will have consequences on your relationship.

Superduper02 · 04/12/2023 05:10

Agree with @PriOn1

You also made conscious decisions to be in a blended family... but you're not blending.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2023 05:15

This sounds hurtful to his children, potentially othering them. I hope you will reflect on this.

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2023 05:17

If the children are young then you should be making more effort really, you can't just say I am who I am and expect everyone to fall in line