Page 2 | DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

bigappler · 2023-12-03T22:46:03+00:00

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair. I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person. He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me. Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much? I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people. I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

Stilldigging · 04/12/2023 05:19

I'm like this too. Luckily I married a man who is similar. We did have a slightly awkward moment at our wedding when the celebrant said we could hold hands if we wanted. We both recoiled in horror and said a very definite no!

I hug DH and my DC but not DSC. Although in my case DSC are significantly older than mine so there was no direct comparison. I don't think it's cold. Presumably they have a Mum who hugs them so they aren't missing out on physical affection?

Holly60 · 04/12/2023 05:24

YABU your poor step children. I think you need to make more of an effort to be physically affectionate with them. Hopefully it will become more natural over time

GloomyWeek44 · 04/12/2023 05:33

Family are family. If you had adopted or fostered children that were not your own biologically it is entirely possible to be affectionate to them. It's not a purely genetic connection thing. My DF had a partner in my late 20s and I hug her, express affection etc. I mean do you actually not like these children?! It just kind of seems a wierd hill to die on.

RiderofRohan · 04/12/2023 05:42

No hugs for step kids in seven years?! But lots of cuddles for your own? How do you go about thinking this is fine?

FatFatMary · 04/12/2023 05:45

Well you can’t force it

GordoStevensMustache · 04/12/2023 05:50

Ofa · 03/12/2023 22:59

So you’re in a blended family in which you are hugging and kissing your biological children, but you will not hug or express affection in any way towards your step-children? That’s not ok. It doesn’t have to be specifically hugs, but you do need to make them feel loved, and at the moment you are failing in this to such an extent that even their father has noticed that you’re appearing cold towards them. It isn’t ok to say ‘but I’ve always been cold’ anymore than it would be ok to say ‘but I’ve always been nasty to his kids’.

So, fix it. Say more affectionate things to them. Hug them occasionally. If you just don’t want to? Do it anyway because you are their mother figure now and if you don’t they will grow up cold towards women.

Why do you assume she's their "mother figure " now? I assume they have their own mother for affection. And as for growing up.cold towards women? Fuck off with that shite.

Rinkymcdinky · 04/12/2023 05:50

Are your children his children too?

I’m with you, I can show my children endless cuddles and kisses, but I’d never do it to children who weren’t mine. They have their parents for that, as long as you’re kind to them I don’t think it’s a problem. I suppose if you all live together all the time then it would look uneven.

Scarydinosaurs · 04/12/2023 05:59

How old are his children? How much time do you spend as one unit? Are the step children affectionate towards you, and you’re not reciprocating?

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 04/12/2023 06:09

Maybe there’s a half way house, you could pat their back or shoulder instead of a hug.

SnowyPetals · 04/12/2023 06:09

The whole "he knew this is how I am before we got married" doesn't wash with me. It sounds like an excuse to be uncompromising in a relationship. Life moves on and changes, and sometimes you need to change or compromise with it.

FaiIureToLunch · 04/12/2023 06:13

Yep, it’s odd, sort it out, children need plenty physical affection to help develop healthy neural networks.

I’m autistic and found it hard in some ways when I first had kids but it got easier. But I hate being touched when I’m trying to sleep and like you, my husband doesn’t like it, I feel claustrophobic being cuddled to death like a giant teddy bear.

FatFatMary · 04/12/2023 06:17

Don’t you all think it might be a bit weird if suddenly after seven years step mother starts hugging and saying she loves you ?

Leafysuburb · 04/12/2023 06:22

I think it'll be weird and forced if you start hugging them. But what about making up your own personalized handshakes or extravagant fist bumps? Something fun and personalized to each child will make them feel noticed.

RedHelenB · 04/12/2023 06:23

JamSandle · 03/12/2023 22:54

Google love languages. Yours won't be physical touch and that's fine.

But it is to her children.

oceanskye · 04/12/2023 06:23

But maybe the stepkids don't want to be hugged either? Lots of children dislike having to hug/kiss relatives other than their own parents.

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2023 06:24

He knew who you were, but seeing you being affectionate to your children has probably also shown him another version of who you can, except it hasn’t extended to his children.

I'd be unhappy too, but I guess it’s one of those things you do/not surpass as a family.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 06:28

I’m not in a blended family, nor would I ever choose to be, but based on some of the comments on here, if you are, are you expected to treat your step kids exactly like your own in every respect?! That seems wholly unlikely.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 04/12/2023 06:29

Ofa · 03/12/2023 22:59

So you’re in a blended family in which you are hugging and kissing your biological children, but you will not hug or express affection in any way towards your step-children? That’s not ok. It doesn’t have to be specifically hugs, but you do need to make them feel loved, and at the moment you are failing in this to such an extent that even their father has noticed that you’re appearing cold towards them. It isn’t ok to say ‘but I’ve always been cold’ anymore than it would be ok to say ‘but I’ve always been nasty to his kids’.

So, fix it. Say more affectionate things to them. Hug them occasionally. If you just don’t want to? Do it anyway because you are their mother figure now and if you don’t they will grow up cold towards women.

Agree with this. You chose to be with someone who had children and you do need to make some effort, even that you do it with your own children and not his you must realise will cause them some issues surely

Howbizzare22 · 04/12/2023 06:30

Ofa · 03/12/2023 22:59

So you’re in a blended family in which you are hugging and kissing your biological children, but you will not hug or express affection in any way towards your step-children? That’s not ok. It doesn’t have to be specifically hugs, but you do need to make them feel loved, and at the moment you are failing in this to such an extent that even their father has noticed that you’re appearing cold towards them. It isn’t ok to say ‘but I’ve always been cold’ anymore than it would be ok to say ‘but I’ve always been nasty to his kids’.

So, fix it. Say more affectionate things to them. Hug them occasionally. If you just don’t want to? Do it anyway because you are their mother figure now and if you don’t they will grow up cold towards women.

This. Make the effort fgs they are children- your step children. It’s not really on is it to cuddle and kiss your own kids then not do this for step kids/partners kids. Its pretty mean I’d say. I personally am a very warm affectionate person and where I appreciate not everyone is I can understand your partners hurt here for his children . Come on OP.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 06:31

I’m not remotely naturally affectionate, but I am with my own children. My connection to my children is unlike any other. I still don’t particularly want to hug other people because I’ve had children with whom I am affectionate.

Holidayhell22 · 04/12/2023 06:32

How old are the children?
I treat my children totally differently to other peoples children.
I love my own dcs. I don’t live other peoples.
Ops step children have a mother and father why aren’t they showing constant live and affection?
Unless the op is openly cold/hostile angry with the step children then I think it’s fine.
Sounds like the op’s dh might be expecting her to do too much.
I could be wrong of course.
As fur the cuddling in bed I’m with you op. I kiss and cuddle my dh when we get in bed, then I want to sleep. I can’t sleep with someone mauling me and I tell dh this.

Gillypie23 · 04/12/2023 06:34

I think you're being selfish.

Howbizzare22 · 04/12/2023 06:35

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 06:28

I’m not in a blended family, nor would I ever choose to be, but based on some of the comments on here, if you are, are you expected to treat your step kids exactly like your own in every respect?! That seems wholly unlikely.

Noones saying you are expected to treat the kids exactly like your own are they- of course you’re going to put your own first. The point here is she is not showing affection to partners kids which is clearly noted and causing hurt.

cerisepanther73 · 04/12/2023 06:38

@bigappler

I think a lot 🤔 of the way you are i think is down to the way you were brought up,

I think it can also be for some women unfortunately experincing the wrong kind of touch specifically abusive touching either growing up or when older experinces.

i think either consirder looking into good therapy to find out why you feel the way you do about touching possibly
or
Maybe just thinking reflecting on why you feel this way about being affectionate tactile,

and just understanding why
will be enough to see how you can come to come to a compromise and express your feelings in this way too..

cerisepanther73 · 04/12/2023 06:41

If your parents were not openly expressed affection love by hugging you , cuddling you that much or hardly at all ect,

no wonder you don't feel like that yourself or Express your feelings that way

i am the same too for various reasons.