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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

202 replies

bigappler · 03/12/2023 22:46

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 13:54

And maybe you’re wrong. 🤷‍♀️

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 14:41

Alondra · 04/12/2023 11:51

The difference is I showed them affection without waiting for them to ask me when they were so little.

If you don't understand the difference, I can't help you.

Show quote history

Crikey, leave that poster alone.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 14:43

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 13:46

So I’m lying, am I?

Show quote history

She said ‘tends not to’, it wasn’t an absolute.

ginasevern · 04/12/2023 14:43

The word compromise springs to mind. Aren't most relationships based on that? It's all very well saying "that's just the way I am" but the world would be an even more brutal place if everyone adopted that attitude.

WhatNoUsername · 04/12/2023 15:38

JamSandle · 03/12/2023 22:54

Google love languages. Yours won't be physical touch and that's fine.

No it's not. I hate all this "love language" bollocks which is used to keep people in relationships where they aren't getting what they need. If you want to be with someone you make an effort to show them that they are loved in a way that's meaningful to them or don't be with them. As a pp have said, making a small effort with a few hugs for the step children would make a huge difference. Children don't understand "love languages" they just see the OPs own children being treated completely differently to them. The OP is creating a distance and signalling "you are not family". And tbh I don't think that's ok.

My DH's "love language" is doing things. He likes to do things for me and likes it if I do things for him. This means nothing to me and doesn't make me feel loved. I need talking and emotional connection. So we meet each other half way. He tries to give me what I need and I try to do the same for him even though it doesn't come naturally to me. That's loving someone imo.

InefficientProcess · 04/12/2023 19:12

As a pp have said, making a small effort with a few hugs for the step children would make a huge difference

They’re 15 and 12. It’s likely they do not want hugs from their stepmum. Even if they are her hugging her small children.

BlueEyedPeanut · 05/12/2023 00:45

They were 5 and 8 when she came into their lives. Just little children.

BowlOfNoodles · 05/12/2023 12:38

I can see why it wouid be an issue for the hb not to be given affection but I highly doubt the sc mother wouid want you cuddling and kissing her children anyway tbh.

Digestivechocolatebiscuit · 05/12/2023 12:43

This last year I've acquired two step Granddaughters age 7 and 4.. I've just bought their Christmas presents. ( l have four Grandsons of my own). I ask if they want a cuddle ( l don't just do it.. nor do l with my own Grandsons.. l always ask permission). I feel blessed to have gained these two wonderful girls.
My daughter has a son of her own .. (so a blended family) her partner is now part of our family.. we include her and her daughters in everything.. including my other daughter and her 3 sons.. it's more normal these days in blended families and you need to open your mind and heart.

Stompythedinosaur · 05/12/2023 12:43

I think you should really make an effort for the kids.

I'm not a naturally organised person, but I make an effort because it's important for the dc's quality of life. Saying "this is who I am" about a totally changeable thing is basically saying "I can't be bothered to change this, my convenience is more important."

Tisfortired · 05/12/2023 12:48

I had two step parents (both parents remarried when I was 3 and 15) and I never expected or wanted physical affection from my step parents? I got that from my actual parents. We were civil and had friendly relationships but I was aware they weren’t my mum/dad and I was never jealous that they were affectionate to their own kids but not me.

Onionsmadeofglass · 05/12/2023 12:52

Stompythedinosaur · 05/12/2023 12:43

I think you should really make an effort for the kids.

I'm not a naturally organised person, but I make an effort because it's important for the dc's quality of life. Saying "this is who I am" about a totally changeable thing is basically saying "I can't be bothered to change this, my convenience is more important."

It’s not really a good comparison though. Being organized is helpful for yourself and other people even if you don’t enjoy the process of organizing and it doesn’t come naturally.
Who wants a hug from someone who doesn’t enjoy hugs? Physical affection is supposed to mutually enjoyable. Otherwise it’s just weird. I don’t think at this stage the stepkids would actually want more hugs, especially not from someone who is going to feel weird and awkward at best giving the hug. Maybe OP could think about hugging her husband whenever she has the slightest inclination to do so or whenever she thinks he might like a hug and she isn’t feeling touched out.
Enjoying or not enjoying physical affection isn’t a totally changeable thing. Isn’t there anything that makes you skin crawl? Nails on a chalkboard? The taste or texture of a food you hate? Cruching ice? Hearing people chew? Unwanted physical touch is like that for many people. It’s not a neutral thing, it’s a like physical and mental revulsion.

Minimooncat · 05/12/2023 12:58

I totally get you. I am also only physically affectionate to my kids and couldn't do the hugging etc with anyone else. You can't fake it, they will know.

beanii · 05/12/2023 13:01

Depends how old his children are but to NEVER have shown them any affection when you do your own is not really on 🤷‍♀️

Imagine if it were the other way around.

mezlou84 · 05/12/2023 13:13

If your step children see the difference it can cause alot of unsaid feelings of not being good enough, which can continue on into their adult lives. Maybe as they're getting older your hubby is seeing his children's feelings and advocating for them. My husband is like this but he doesn't cuddle or kiss any of the kids. He is autistic and doesn't tolerate touch unless it's on his terms. If he wants to then it's alright, if he doesn't then it makes him very uncomfortable. It's why he could never be with someone who has children already because he wouldn't be able to tolerate the unexpected cuddles and kisses from other kids as he does with his own. You maybe need to think all round the situation and if you can't take it with the step kids then when they're around, tone down any affection to your biological children. You are who you are but when it's children's mental health you could be damaging it needs speaking about either to the kids if they're old enough to understand or your husband to see if he can help think of ways around it.

JLou08 · 05/12/2023 17:11

How old are the SC? They may not want affection from you.
I don't think YABU, as you say he knew who you was when he married you.
People will pick up on forced affection and it will make them feel uncomfortable, just keep being you. You could maybe tone down the affection with your own DC in front of SC if they are picking up on the difference and it is upsetting for them

Elaina87 · 05/12/2023 17:22

At first I thought you meant your own children and I was like wow, but they're your step children so I see your point of view about it not being appropriate. Is their Mum in their lives? If so then I understand. If however they don't have their Mother, then i can see why he would hope you could give them thay affection and maybe it would be nice to try.

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/12/2023 17:43

I'm the same I'm not an affectionate person at all hugs feel awkward to me and honestly I don't want them but I am very affectionate towards my children it feels natural and not even a little uncomfortable I mean I carried them for 9 months they are a literally a part of me and my soul !!
I never hugged or kissed my exs husbands children either , they had a mother of their own and I wasn't it but I played with them and bought them things when they stayed at our house .
I think people on this thread are being ridiculous tbh I'm assuming they get lots of hugs off dad and mam too if she's around and you show affection in other ways, for people to assume you're mean to them and an awful stepmother because you don't hug and kiss them is bloody stupid .
Does it even bother the kids or is your dh taking offence on their behalf ?

Feralgremlin · 05/12/2023 17:47

I’m so similar to you OP, according to my parents I have been like this all my life, I’m just not naturally physically affectionate. However, like you, I do show a lot of affection to my son. I question the PPs who have said if you can do it for your children then obviously you are capable. In my experience, it is instinct to do it with my son, it feels natural, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable and doesn’t require any thought or effort, it does with absolutely everyone else. Being this way certainly isn’t a choice, it actually makes life and relationships really difficult, and if I could change then I would do it in a heartbeat!

My step-daughters we’re very young when I came into their lives and I already had my son, so I did (and still do) put a lot of effort into showing affection to them, but it takes it’s toll and by the end of a weekend I frequently find myself touched out and like all my nerves are fried.

I think those who aren’t naturally un-affectionate will always struggle to understand but from what you’ve said it sounds to me that you are far from a “cold” person to your step children and actually do a fantastic job of meeting their emotional needs, and I’m sure they appreciate that.

As for PP who says they are affectionate to the children they coach…what?!?! I coach children and ALL our safeguarding material clearly sets out that hugging and affection towards the children is completely forbidden!

InefficientProcess · 05/12/2023 19:31

BlueEyedPeanut · 05/12/2023 00:45

They were 5 and 8 when she came into their lives. Just little children.

That still doesn’t mean they want their dad’s new girlfriend to hug them.

Or to treat them as if they’re her own.

They may feel quite strongly against that.

theleafandnotthetree · 05/12/2023 19:38

Feralgremlin · 05/12/2023 17:47

I’m so similar to you OP, according to my parents I have been like this all my life, I’m just not naturally physically affectionate. However, like you, I do show a lot of affection to my son. I question the PPs who have said if you can do it for your children then obviously you are capable. In my experience, it is instinct to do it with my son, it feels natural, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable and doesn’t require any thought or effort, it does with absolutely everyone else. Being this way certainly isn’t a choice, it actually makes life and relationships really difficult, and if I could change then I would do it in a heartbeat!

My step-daughters we’re very young when I came into their lives and I already had my son, so I did (and still do) put a lot of effort into showing affection to them, but it takes it’s toll and by the end of a weekend I frequently find myself touched out and like all my nerves are fried.

I think those who aren’t naturally un-affectionate will always struggle to understand but from what you’ve said it sounds to me that you are far from a “cold” person to your step children and actually do a fantastic job of meeting their emotional needs, and I’m sure they appreciate that.

As for PP who says they are affectionate to the children they coach…what?!?! I coach children and ALL our safeguarding material clearly sets out that hugging and affection towards the children is completely forbidden!

I'm the coach and yes, if a child has been injured in a match I'll put my arm around them walking off the pitch both as support and comfort if that's what it feels like they need. And if we were in a final and won and they came over and hugged me of course I would hug them back. Would it be better for that child and the world if I told them I was forbidden from doing so? Context is everything and so is the personality and attitude of the individual child. Who you know because you have been coaching them for years. If we lose our simple humanity and our ability to connect with one another, including sometimes with a hug or a high five, then we might as well pack up and go home.

OldPerson · 05/12/2023 20:01

Just guessing. Your parents were never affectionate to you. You've built up barriers, because it was hurtful at times. You've made a deliberate difference with your children, because you don't want them to experience what you did. You like to compartmentalise affections, because it makes life easier. Affection is not natural to you, because you didn't grow up with it. You think because you've sorted it with your children, you don't bear any responsibility to other people's, including DH children and how they feel. And actually you're quite shut off emotionally from DH children. If they died tomorrow, you've already factored in you'd do all the appropriate consoling of husband. So why is DH being so unreasonable and hurt that you can't emotionally show he or his children are important? He's made vows to be with you for life. You've pragmatically stated your boundaries. He got a real bargain!

Snowdogsmitten · 05/12/2023 20:04

OldPerson · 05/12/2023 20:01

Just guessing. Your parents were never affectionate to you. You've built up barriers, because it was hurtful at times. You've made a deliberate difference with your children, because you don't want them to experience what you did. You like to compartmentalise affections, because it makes life easier. Affection is not natural to you, because you didn't grow up with it. You think because you've sorted it with your children, you don't bear any responsibility to other people's, including DH children and how they feel. And actually you're quite shut off emotionally from DH children. If they died tomorrow, you've already factored in you'd do all the appropriate consoling of husband. So why is DH being so unreasonable and hurt that you can't emotionally show he or his children are important? He's made vows to be with you for life. You've pragmatically stated your boundaries. He got a real bargain!

You’ve written with such astonishing self-confidence but you’ve clearly not read the OP’s posts.

She said:

As to why I'm like this, I don't know 100% but there are things that have happened in my life that have likely contributed though. My parents actually were affectionate growing up. However when I was a teen there was something that happened with one of my parents that meant I lost a huge amount of trust in people, even those closest to me still to this day it makes me wary of people

bananamangoes · 05/12/2023 20:04

I don’t think I could hug someone else’s teens and tell them I love them

I dont think i can love someone else’s kids. Why force it?

thats his job anyway.

You can be there for them in others ways

Ejismyf · 05/12/2023 20:11

I use to be the same and my husband hated how little affection I showed him. After caring for my mum the last few months as she was dying, I've done a complete 360 and now am so affectionate, it's totally changed me. She wasn't very affectionate to me growing up but caring for her as she died, I was towards her and it seems to of brought out another side in me and honestly I'm so happy it has. I can see now how better I feel being able to be affectionate and my husband is happier but I'm also more affectionate with other family and friends when I use to struggle with that too.

Were you shown affection growing up? People do have different love languages and maybe yours isn't physical affection. I personally think I just had a mental block being affectionate with other adults as it wasnt something I received from adults growing up.