DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

[bigappler]

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

You recoiled in horror at holding your new husbands hand on your wedding day???
Wow.

Depends - are the step kids hurt by it or is it just DH that notices? That makes a big difference. If you've been together 7 years I'm picturing his kids as 10 or older and they may not want you to suddenly start hugging them at this age!
In fact, if you were a man people wouldn't expect it and some may even think it inappropriate to be overly physically affectionate to older kids that weren't yours.
However, if you are 'cold' in other ways and they notice,then that's a problem after this long.

I am EXACTLY the same OP. The people saying you should be physically affectionate with your step children have no idea what it’s like to not be a touchy feely person. I have never been physically affectionate with my step children and that’s totally fine. They have a mum and a dad for that. That’s not my role. My DH has learned it’s just not who I am and doesn’t take it personally anymore like he did when we first met. People are different and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s ok to be yourself.

Fucking hell. So now we have to hug stepkids as well? Mine would be absolutely horrified if I did.

My DH has a step mum who is definitely lower down the huggy scale (if there is such a thing) but DH says as he got older he always felt able to have more intense conversations about things with her because she wouldn't 'interrupt' with the urge to hug and comfort. So it's probably about using your natural strengths.

You sound awful. I'm not a huggy type person either. But your coldness and lack off care for others is off the scale.

Im not a particularly affectionate person and my husband is. I make an effort for him (and I’m not saying you don’t - just that I have to really remember to give cuddles on the couch etc as he appreciates it more than me). My children get tons of affection from me - I’ve always been very affectionate with them. I work with children and I treat them like my own - so little pats on the shoulder, or face or cuddles if they’re sad or poorly. It doesn’t come naturally but I try to remember they need that and it’s important. Perhaps you could fake it for your husband’s children? They might appreciate it and your husband would too ❤️

I find it really odd how people can be so passionately loving and affectionate towards and about their own children and seemingly feel nothing towards other children who come within their ambit. The contrast is too great! And very obvious and hurtful in the kind of blended set up described here. I don't know would I even consider myself someone who 'loves' children, but I find it hard sometimes NOT to hug the girls on the soccer team I coach, they are so fabulous. But I am definitely affectionate in an appropriate way. Equally, I would be so fond of some of my children's friends and would put an arm around a shoulder or a hand on the head in a way that feels right all round. Especially if a child is upset. I think if I had that level of 'coldness' around children in general, I would have been terrified to have children lest I felt that way about my own!

You can't effectively parent without physical touch. You just can't. Children need touch

Do your stepchildren even want physical affection from you?

Or is it that your husband wishes you’d all pretend so he doesn’t have to face up to his own feelings about being a stepfamily?

I agree. You can do it because you do it to your own children. Sometimes you have to pretend. They are children so it shows you don’t care for them.

I am also a cold fish and I'm not comfortable hugging children, which is why I don't have any and wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who did. But even I can get it together to respond if DP's nieces come and hug me, and I'm mindful of showing them care/attention in non-physical ways.

I get that it doesn't come naturally but sometimes you just have to push through it and do it. It's really not on to treat the children in your household so differently.

But it's not about roles, what I don't get is how someone who has developed a relationship with a child over years, who has presumably seen them glad, sad, bad and everything and everything in between can have no instinct or desire to respond with physical affection spontaneously in a given moment. I absolutely would feel that way about my children's friends, the girls I coach. Children don't need a quota of hugs or kisses and if the parents give them that's them sorted. They need the adults in their lives to be emotionally responsive to them and that surely includes physical affection. So the hug after they did something wonderful or the shoulder squeeze when you're teasing someone or the kiss and hug when someone hurts themselves. I can't imagine spending significant time with a child and not feeling like these little gestures are the right and kind thing to do. If it doesn't, it sounds like quite a cold and loveless environment.

If they were ill or injured and came to you fir a hug, would you manage that? Or push them away? Basically if they needed you, could you do it?

Why would the stepkids want unsolicited hugs from their stepmum? If they’re older than about 5 or 6 then I can’t imagine they want to be hugged by OP.
I hug and kiss my own kids and my husband but that’s the whole list. Also my own parents but that’s more like a greeting when I’ve not seen them for a long while - it’s not an anywhere anytime thing like hugging my preschool child is.
I’d never hug someone else’s child unless I knew them well (eg, regular babysitter, close family friend, my nieces and nephews) and the child came to me wanting that affection. They generally don’t past preschool age unless something is really wrong and they really need support and want it from you in particular.
There’s a difference between initiating physical affection and giving hugs only when kids who aren’t your own are asking one. Neither way makes you an unfit stepparent.
Of course there’s a difference between how OP treats her own children and how she treats her stepkids. There is also going to be a difference between how the stepkids treat their mother and how they treat their stepmother. There’s room for a positive, respectful and even loving relationship between a stepparent and their stepkids without that relationship looking exactly the same as a parent -child relationship.

I'm amazed your husband married you if I'm honest. It sounds like you have a major and quite negative mismatch in attitude towards physical affection. I can't see your marriage lasting, especially as he feels you're cold towards his children. It seems a very odd relationship.

When I was a teenage girl on a sports team I would have found any physical affection beyond high fives or something to celebrate a good game or maybe a hand on my back or my shoulder if I got physically knocked down by the other team to be extremely weird and uncomfortable. If a male coach especially started hugging the girls we would all have found him very creepy.

If they came to you for a hug, what would you do? Do you comfort them if they're sad or injured or scared?

You need to make some effort where it’s causing upset but DH also needs to accept you for who you are if he is to stay in the relationship.

There is a lot of me, me, me in your post and some disregard for the needs of your husband and children.

I totally understand that you are who you are and your DH knew that from the get go, but people change through their lives and in the same way you may find you need him to change and adapt to fit new needs and requirements particularly as the children grow up, he may also need you to adapt accordingly to fit the needs of the family.

You can obviously insist that that’s who you are and he has no right to demand a change but don’t forget that he also has a right to be happy and once that he realises and accept that, he may seek to find that happiness with someone else who fulfils his affection needs better. You may say that he loves his children too much to do something like that but many people have the courage to say “this not working for me anymore” and leave an unhappy relationship while maintaining a lovely one with their children.

You are who you are, if he enjoys affection then he should have been open about this earlier and made a decision on whether being without it in this relationship was worth it. My ex was similar to you and I realised how much I compromised and went without when really I should have left him and found someone more compatible (would never have tried to force him or whatever, respected its the way he is). I do think it's complex anyway with blended families, I don't think it's wild for a step parent to not be saying I love you or giving them hugs, but I think it's a different conversation perhaps than about whether you're generally an affectionate person or not overall. The important thing is as you say you get on and have a good time- treating his children well is more important than lavishing on affection they might not even want! I wonder if he is using them to try and illustrate his feelings about things.

How old are the step kids? I think that's relevant question. Younger kids, then whilst their dad can provide the physical affection and reassurance (eg a cuddle if they fall) you provide the warm voice, kind words and verbal reassurance. Kindness doesn't have to be shown in physical ways.
Older kids, a warm voice, time to listen and knowing when to offer advice and when to simply allow them to offload is every bit if not more important. Providing you are doing that I think you husband needs to accept it.
If you're indifferent to his kids he needs to separate as that's damaging to his children, but from what you say, you're not indifferent and you care about his children, so point that out to him.

Hmm. There’s projection that the kids are hurt, forgive me if I’m wrong but I don’t think the OP has said that has she? It’s the naturally affectionate father whose looking at her through his own biased lens that is hurt.

I’m a second vote for looking at ‘Love Languages’
They change through time potentially, but it’s well worth having a look to see where you all ( as a family) are. It fully explains imho why sometimes you feel you’re giving 100% and the others in the family don’t feel like you are.

I understand you OP. I am not physically affectionate (my family never were) but I know how to feel love, a LOT of love and show it in different ways. I don't have children yet but I can for example hug and be held by a very small number of people (I can think of 2 - neither of them are family). But that doesn't mean I am cold or unkind to others. I have a great connection with other people and my relationships don't suffer for this.
Giving physical affection which is not genuine is almost impossible and the 'receiver' will pick up on that.