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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

202 replies

bigappler · 03/12/2023 22:46

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 04/12/2023 08:57

Why do you feel so strongly about doing something so normal and natural as giving a hug? I’m with your OH

Becomingolder · 04/12/2023 09:02

anunlikelyseahorse · 04/12/2023 08:41

How old are the step kids? I think that's relevant question. Younger kids, then whilst their dad can provide the physical affection and reassurance (eg a cuddle if they fall) you provide the warm voice, kind words and verbal reassurance. Kindness doesn't have to be shown in physical ways.
Older kids, a warm voice, time to listen and knowing when to offer advice and when to simply allow them to offload is every bit if not more important. Providing you are doing that I think you husband needs to accept it.
If you're indifferent to his kids he needs to separate as that's damaging to his children, but from what you say, you're not indifferent and you care about his children, so point that out to him.

This.

TBH I'm shocked at how many people are saying OP should force unwanted physical touch.

Whattodowithit88 · 04/12/2023 09:03

That’s fine, his not asking you to change, just to put in a bit of effort which I think is perfectly reasonable. That’s what keeps relationships working, a bit of give and take.

Alondra · 04/12/2023 09:03

OP, you can't simply excuse your lack of affection towards anyone, except your children, as "this is who I am".

Yes, it's who you are but is severely impacting the relationship with your DH, your intimacy and how he's perceiving your relationship with his children because of your coldness.

I don't have advice, except you should be seeing a therapist. Your aversion to touch comes from somewhere, it'll be helpful to you and your family to understand why.

frami · 04/12/2023 09:08

I am coming to this from the perspective of the family in this case.

My DM is like you, she showed affection when I was a child but this diminished as I got older. Now there is no physical affection at all. I only see her 2 or 3 times a year (she lives abroad) and am lucky to be greeted with a cold, peck on the cheek. I now have few if any feelings for her. Love is a 2 way street.

It's the same her grandchildren, she smothered them with affection when they were babies but this diminished as they developed their own personalities, pretty much disappearing by the time they reached secondary school age. Now they barely see her, (one of them lives in her country) and as a consequence barely saw my DF when he was alive.

If this is the future you want - crack on!

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 09:10

Are your children his children too?

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 09:12

I’m astonished this relationship ever got off the ground in the first place. Differentiating between kids in this way is just awful.

Original poster
bigappler · 04/12/2023 09:12

Thanks for the replies!

Will try and answer all questions.

DSC are 12 and 15 now. My DC (who are DHs) are 2 and 4. In my mind its silly to compare the amount of affection a 2 year old receives to a 15 yo anyway. So I disagree that because my 2 yo might crawl on me for a snuggle, I need to be fawning over a teenager as well.

I disagree with DH about what cold is in a relationship. To him I'm cold because I don't give out lots of hugs and physical affection or I don't tell them I love them all the time like he does. It's lovely he's like that with them but it's not what I do. I don't think it makes me cold, I'm not indifferent. I ask about their interests and what's going on with them, we talk about school and their friends, I take an interest in their hobbies, we have in jokes together, make an effort finding things they'd like for birthdays or Christmas, will send them well wishing messages if I know they have something on that day etc... I'm not cold. Imo anyway. I'm just not lovey dovey.

I have never had the impression from DSC that they are upset by this, they don't seek me out for affection. If they had or they did for whatever reason I'd get over myself and reciprocate. Obviously I'd not push them away if they ever actually asked for a hug or whatever but unless they initiate then I won't.

As to why I'm like this, I don't know 100% but there are things that have happened in my life that have likely contributed though. My parents actually were affectionate growing up. However when I was a teen there was something that happened with one of my parents that meant I lost a huge amount of trust in people, even those closest to me still to this day it makes me wary of people. I also not long after fell into an abusive relationship in my teens which probably didn't help with the not wanting to be touched much.

OP posts:
WishIMite · 04/12/2023 09:13

I AM a very physical person but I still don’t act this way with my step children. It would feel very odd. They are not my children and I wouldn’t cuddle them any more than a visiting child. I’d also be freaked out in my DH did this to my children! In a step family I think you show love in different ways: caring for each other and remembering things for each other but it’s not the same as your biological children.

That said, if they are very young then it might be different. But overall YANBU

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 09:13

That whole op is written that it’s not who you are and you don’t do that, with a very minor drop in that you’re hugely affectionate with your own kids. So I see his point, it is clearly who you are, as you do it with your own.

be clear , yoh don’t feel that way to your step kids so don’t wish to show them affection. Be honest with him, and stop making it muddy, you’re not fooling him.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 09:14

bigappler · 04/12/2023 09:12

Thanks for the replies!

Will try and answer all questions.

DSC are 12 and 15 now. My DC (who are DHs) are 2 and 4. In my mind its silly to compare the amount of affection a 2 year old receives to a 15 yo anyway. So I disagree that because my 2 yo might crawl on me for a snuggle, I need to be fawning over a teenager as well.

I disagree with DH about what cold is in a relationship. To him I'm cold because I don't give out lots of hugs and physical affection or I don't tell them I love them all the time like he does. It's lovely he's like that with them but it's not what I do. I don't think it makes me cold, I'm not indifferent. I ask about their interests and what's going on with them, we talk about school and their friends, I take an interest in their hobbies, we have in jokes together, make an effort finding things they'd like for birthdays or Christmas, will send them well wishing messages if I know they have something on that day etc... I'm not cold. Imo anyway. I'm just not lovey dovey.

I have never had the impression from DSC that they are upset by this, they don't seek me out for affection. If they had or they did for whatever reason I'd get over myself and reciprocate. Obviously I'd not push them away if they ever actually asked for a hug or whatever but unless they initiate then I won't.

As to why I'm like this, I don't know 100% but there are things that have happened in my life that have likely contributed though. My parents actually were affectionate growing up. However when I was a teen there was something that happened with one of my parents that meant I lost a huge amount of trust in people, even those closest to me still to this day it makes me wary of people. I also not long after fell into an abusive relationship in my teens which probably didn't help with the not wanting to be touched much.

cmon now, the youngest was 5 when you met them. It’s not you used to and stopped. So its not age related. You just don’t feel that way. And that’s ok. Just be honest.

Original poster
bigappler · 04/12/2023 09:15

It's funny because if DSC ever actually need anything when at ours it's me they come and ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
bigappler · 04/12/2023 09:20

Yes of course I feel differently about it with my DC and DSC. I understand that. I don't think that necessarily makes me cold or awful. My point was that now it's not really comparable. At the time when youngest DSC was 5, I didn't have DC of my own. So it was who I was then with everyone. I appreciate its slightly different now as I feel more able to be that way with our children (it just feels different to me and more natural than with anyone else), but it's pointless now comparing the affection between a 2yo and a 15yo.

I don't even agree that I'm not affectionate with them, I just do it in a different way I.e. taking a real interest in what they do, sending them affirming messages when I know they have something big on or they are worried about something, taking care when choosing gifts for them etc.. that is my way of showing I care. Its just different to DHs. Obviously it's now different to how I show care to my own DC but it's still care is it not?

OP posts:
hydriotaphia · 04/12/2023 09:21

YABVU - yes of course you should be hugging your stepchildren and yes if they are a big part of your life you should tell them you love them too. Generally being warm with your own kids and cool with your step kids will be massively damaging to them and is borderline emotional abuse. You chose to marry a man with kids, so don't be so self-centred, grow up and take responsibility. "Oh it's just not who I am" is a lame excuse. Sorry, but I really feel strongly about this. Those poor children did not get to choose to have you in their life, please don't blight their childhood.

Thegoodbadandugly · 04/12/2023 09:22

I am with a partner that is just like you, if I had my time again I would never have got with him. You are perfectly capable of it as you do it with your own children so he must be questioning that, also what your doing with his children is quite mean especially as you cuddle your own children that's quite sad really.

FatFatMary · 04/12/2023 09:23

I rarely hug my teen

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 09:23

Alondra · 04/12/2023 09:03

OP, you can't simply excuse your lack of affection towards anyone, except your children, as "this is who I am".

Yes, it's who you are but is severely impacting the relationship with your DH, your intimacy and how he's perceiving your relationship with his children because of your coldness.

I don't have advice, except you should be seeing a therapist. Your aversion to touch comes from somewhere, it'll be helpful to you and your family to understand why.

See, I find posts like this totally ridiculous. And largely manufactured.

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 09:25

bigappler · 04/12/2023 09:20

Yes of course I feel differently about it with my DC and DSC. I understand that. I don't think that necessarily makes me cold or awful. My point was that now it's not really comparable. At the time when youngest DSC was 5, I didn't have DC of my own. So it was who I was then with everyone. I appreciate its slightly different now as I feel more able to be that way with our children (it just feels different to me and more natural than with anyone else), but it's pointless now comparing the affection between a 2yo and a 15yo.

I don't even agree that I'm not affectionate with them, I just do it in a different way I.e. taking a real interest in what they do, sending them affirming messages when I know they have something big on or they are worried about something, taking care when choosing gifts for them etc.. that is my way of showing I care. Its just different to DHs. Obviously it's now different to how I show care to my own DC but it's still care is it not?

Then have an honest conversation with your husband. All this that’s not who I am is the issue, as it’s patently untrue. He feels you behave in a cool manner to his kids, he never said it made you awful. I am unsure why you keep twisting it and also not just owning it. Just have a conversation.

AgnesX · 04/12/2023 09:27

This "it's who I am" attitude is used in so many situations to excuse a lack of effort and generally a lack of kindness to others. Trying a bit harder shouldn't be that difficult.

That said, presumably your step children still have a mother who provides the love and care that you don't?

Pansyblue · 04/12/2023 09:28

I don’t think you are unreasonable, however the issue is your DH does. So I would ask yourself how important this is to you - by continuing as you are, you risk driving a wedge between you and your DH. Do you feel strongly enough about it to risk that? If so, continue as you are. If not, I would try to find a compromise for the sake of family stability.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 09:28

OP, you’re just fine. A lot of the posters on here will be triggered just because you are a stepmother and their own kids may have a stepmother. They said, they’d probably have an issue with you ‘overstepping’ if you were very affectionate. You won’t be able to win.

Have a conversation with your h, make him understand your real relationship with his kids. Anyone who believes you should feel and act the same with all the children is being wholly disingenuous.

CasaAmarela · 04/12/2023 09:31

I completely disagree with the posters saying you need to hug his children. My stepmother never hugged me and tbh I'd have found it weird if she did. It sounds like you're lovely with them and they have their own mother to hug them.

InefficientProcess · 04/12/2023 09:32

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 09:12

I’m astonished this relationship ever got off the ground in the first place. Differentiating between kids in this way is just awful.

Of course people differentiate in this way. It is not normal to go around hugging and kissing other people’s children.

The children you grew inside your uterus and may have breastfed are obviously different.

It does diminish over time even with your own children. My 14 year old certainly does not want hugs and kisses from his mum. he was the cuddliest toddler imaginable. He’ll tolerate the odd hug or ruffle of his hair. But I’m not going to force him. He’d be horrified if his SM wanted to hug or kiss him. She’s lovely and he likes her - but why would he want physical affection from her?

This all feels like the standard blaming the SM thing. With the usual claims of thinking of the poor children, but without any consideration of what the children want or feel (the youngest of which is probably at secondary school - 7 is the absolute youngest they could be and the eltionhop probably int start when they were a newborn).

it’s the husband complaining that his wife is … not the mother of his older children. That might make him sad or uncomfortable. But the likelihood is his children don’t want his wife pretending she’s their mum

FatFatMary · 04/12/2023 09:32

I was never hugged and it would have been weird and uncomfortable if they started doing it when I was 12

tealfluff · 04/12/2023 09:33

I’m similar to you OP.

I would make the effort if I had stepchildren, and I would never be described as cold or unkind, but it would feel unnatural to me. It feels very natural with my own children, and I’m very affectionate towards them, but not other peoples children.

I see on other posts people saying that we shouldn’t be telling DC that they have to hug or kiss granny if they don’t want to. These DC who don’t like hugging grow up to be adults; I’m not sure why people are surprised that there are adults who are not naturally affectionate out there.

For me I think it’s because I’m a shy introvert, it just makes me feel awkward. There’s certainly nothing in my life that’s happened to make me feel this way.