DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

[bigappler]

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

I don't hug my SC and I've never told them I love them either, I'm sure my DH would say I was "cool" towards them too but I'm just not affectionate with them as it doesn't feel right, like you say.

I know my SC would feel uncomfortable with me telling them I loved them, it's a high conflict situation with their own mum which they are aware of and I don't think they would like me saying that. It doesn't need to be said.I show 'love' for them in other ways though, I take care of them and apart from affection, treat them like my own DC.

Do you have stepchildren? My step daughter was 13 when we met. Affection would be odd.

I am very fond of her (she is now an adult) and I want her to thrive because it makes her dad happy. But otherwise my feelings towards her as the same as other children who are not mine: friends or relations.

I do hug her hello and goodbye now but that’s all.

As long as you are kind to his children, smile with them, laugh with them etc I don't think it's a problem. Assuming you are like that with them it seems like your husband is fixating on the physical affection aspect and not seeing the other kinds of affection you show them which is unfair.

edited to add: just read your updates, yeah your husband is being unfair. Maybe he's unhappy with the amount of physical affection you show him and projecting the issue onto your relationship with your step children.

I understand OP. I feel the same about most physical contact to the point I found the first few years of parenthood equalled feeling touched out and almost permanently in sensory overload. I read about how calming physical touch is to others and I notice how my DCs' and DH's bodies noticeably relax into a cuddle with me after a few seconds, but I find it at best neutral, often it makes my body stiffer, and at worst sometimes gives me an overwhelming need to shake myself free (I have learnt to control this as an adult, but it is physically painful to do so).
DH very much needs regular touch and doesn't understand how I feel at all. However, he respects how I feel and I know how important it is to him, so we try to meet somewhere in the middle. I know how important it is to DCs too, so I make sure they get plenty of cuddles, kisses, hand holding etc.
That certainly doesn't mean I'm not affectionate though. There is more than one way of showing affection. I'm very much an 'acts of service' person both giving and receiving, arguably to a greater degree than DH is 'physical touch'.

OP, as long as you are quite sure DSC feel loved and important, I wouldn't worry.
You do need to make the conscious effort to give DH what he needs, even if you have to frame it in your mind as the same category as household admin or the DCs needing shoes in the right size - something essential to the family that you just need to get on with/make time for (as an 'acts of service' person, I find this reframes it in a way I find more comfortable).
Your DH needs to learn about different love languages and be helped to take a step back from his narrow view of how affection is shown (based solely on how he feels and shows it) to see that his DCs are happy with their relationship with you.

You can't win as a stepmother. If you shower the SC in affection, tell them you love them - you're overstepping the mark, you're trying to replace their mother... If you don't, you're. cold heartless bitch who is going to give them years of trauma and make them feel unwelcome.

Why are you assuming I don’t smile at them? Of course I smile at them.
And if they rushed to me for a hug I absolutely would pick them up and hug them. I just let them decide if and when they want that.
Playing is relevant because it’s physically engaging with them in their world and on their level.
I’m not cold with them. If I was reading a story and one came and sat in my lap then I’d give them a little hug and keep reading to them. I wouldn’t turf them out. But I also wouldn’t place them in my lap to read the story past babyhood, whereas I might with my own child.
I don’t see them that often so it’s important to me that they remember our interactions as positive. Because I’ve not been a daily part of their lives from newborn stage I don’t consider it my job to teach them physical affection in the same way a parent does. It’s more I consider it my duty to help them see that safe adults will let them have agency over physical affection. They know hugs are nice because their parents have always hugged them. I would never make them feel like they should hug me because it might make me feel good if actually they don’t want a hug themselves. I’d never ever say ‘Auntie’s sad, come give me a hug’. Even worse, I’d never insist they give me a kiss hello and then send them off to play while the grownups talk.
Kids all have their own little personalities anyway. How much physical affection they want from less familiar adults (Eg extended family, friends, teachers) varies enormously.

You can win. Lots of us are living proof that you can. I have three adult stepchildren and I’ve been in their lives since they were tiny. Two of them call me their “bonus mum” and are very huggy, the middle one’s much more aloof. If kids like being hugged and want it, you do it. If they don’t, you don’t. It’s not rocket science.

Why am I assuming? Because of this...

My nephews and nieces are preschool age and I only reciprocate physical affection that they initiate

These are very small kids, 5 at the most, and you expect them to hug you first when they see you? Kids these small are rarely demonstrative with affection, which is the reason why showing them love, a kiss and hug without over doing it is so important at this age.

The rest of your post is weird. I never sat my nephews/nieces on my lap past 18 months, I played lots with them and never said "auntie is sad, give me a hug" Yuck.

A child being secure in his/her family and learning affection from mature adults (without abuse or hang-ups) is the best way to grow up into emotionally mature adults.

OP, I'm more curious how you and your DH got together if he is a very snuggly bunny and you're not. If I figure out someone isn't affectionate, I stop seeing them.

I've never hugged my stepkids - they are male and 11 and 13 when I started a relationship with their father and they would have been appalled at the idea! I was friendly and supportive but that's as far as it went.
I don't like physical contact with anyone outside my family. My parents were affectionate, I'm affectionate with my kids, but I was totally happy during the pandemic that I didn't have to hug anyone else! Even very dear friends who hug my I feel myself stiffen slightly.
Very young children do need affection, but in a stepparent dynamic it shouldn't be forced - and the child's own preference should be utmost. To say the child will be damaged and alter their view of women is ridiculous. Everyone is assuming these children are crying out for an ounce of affection when I imagine more often than not they prefer a certain distance - I know my own step children were conflicted for years about how a relationship with me might be a betrayal of their relationship with their mother (they were separated already when we met). I was never 'cold' - affection can be demonstrated in many ways other than physical!

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It would be weird to suddenly start hugging a 15 year old. Would they even want you to?
I am also not big on physical affection. I cuddle my own children but not nieces etc. If I had young stepchildren I would make the effort (fake it till you make it type thing) but I can see that if I had the step kids first before my own I'd feel really weird to start cuddling them.
As for saying I love you, I struggle with that. My parents never said it to me. I never missed it. To me love is an action not a word. On the other hand my children like to hear it so I try and say it...it feels awkward though! Again it's something i can try out on my own children but if a 5 year old suddenly came into my life I'd be unlikely to start saying it to them.

@BIossomtoes I meant more specifically on Mumsnet.

I think you're completely wrong about this. As a child I absolutely hated being made to hug and kiss relatives. I don't think this is unusual.

I have 2 young children. One of them is really not into physical affection at all apart from with me and her dad. If her grandparents (who we see often) try to hug her she is most unhappy. Absolutely would hate to be swept off her feet as you suggest. As it happens we have one set of grandparents who are in the "hug and kiss then ignore" category and the other set are in the "child led play and don't hug or kiss" category. It's the second set that are really and truly loved by my daughter - she has even been known to voluntarily hug them. The first set she will tiptoe round cautiously to ensure I'm there to prevent any unwanted contact.

My other child is the opposite, really loves hugs, goes up to strangers and hugs them. He is more tolerant of the first set of grandparents but again it's the second set he prefers. Every time he sees them he leaps straight into their arms.

Children really value being taken seriously, spending quality time with adults. Yes hugging is important with very young children but it should always be child led. You don't teach them anything helpful by kissing a child who does not want to be kissed. If they want to be kissed by elderly relatives they are probably fairly unusual but they will let you know so don't worry!

So actually maybe the only difference between our approaches is that you give a hug and/or kiss as a greeting and I don’t?
You know that when I say I want for kids to show they want a hug, I don’t mean they have to ask for one with words. If my toddler nephew falls over, I’ll hold out my arms to him and if he does the same, he’ll get scooped up in a big hug. If an older niece was crying and turned herself into my shoulder when I came over I’d take that as her wanting a hug.
I guess I don’t understand when these hugs you say I should be giving all the time are supposed to be happening?

I'm quite gobsmacked by some of the replies on here, but they are from the usual step-mum bashers who appear on the step-parenting board a lot, so I'm hardly surprised.

OP you are not being unreasonable at all. Every step-parenting relationship is different so we cannot compare each other's on here and say one is wrong and the other is right. I had a step-mum & step-dad growing up and as much as I was close to both of them & still am, I don't remember saying things like 'I love you' and hugging them particularly. That doesn't mean they were cold towards me, not in the slightest, just like you aren't being cold...we can express fondness through many ways and tbh my step-mum is the go to person for advice these days and I think I've hugged her about 3 times in my life and I'm 32 now! I also think just assuming you love your step-kids is unhelpful anyway. You cannot force these relationships and as long as you are kind & welcoming, that's all anybody can really ask.

I'm a step-mum too now myself and don't have kids of my own. I have an great relationship with my DSD 10 but I don't go running over for a hug when she comes through the door. I ask her how she is & what she's been up to etc. She's extremely comfortable around me but doesn't climb all over me whilst we are watching a film on the sofa either. This is completely normal and I'm lucky I have a DP who see's what a great relationship we have rather than how many cuddles I gave her that day...

@Alondra
A smile is not physical affection in my thinking. I smile at most people most of the time and I very definitely at any children I’m saying hello to!

The difference is I showed them affection without waiting for them to ask me when they were so little.

If you don't understand the difference, I can't help you.

🤦🏼‍♀️

What if the SC don’t want a ‘bonus mum’?

Loads of children very much do not want their dad’s wife to act like she’s their mum. And would not view that as a ‘bonus’.

Few mothers are likely to be enthusiastic about their ex and his partner deciding the children have a ‘bonus mum’ either.

In our case it was the kids themselves who decided. I’d never heard the term until my stepdaughter used it when introducing me. Why is it that so much of MN is so addicted to hostility and so opposed to people behaving like civilised human beings and getting along with one another?

Nobody is saying they don't get along I mean Jesus Christ!

The term 'bonus mum' makes me want to puke. And tends to not be used by the kids.

So I’m lying, am I?

Maybe you are!