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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH struggles with my lack of affection especially towards children but it's just who I am?

202 replies

bigappler · 03/12/2023 22:46

As the title says this has always been a niggle for DH but I think he's unfair.

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

He struggles with this mostly when it comes to his children. We've been together now 7 years and he doesn't like that in his eyes I'm "cool" with them. I've never hugged them or told them I love them, it has never felt appropriate in my mind and I don't think it makes me cold, its just not who I am. We get on really well and have a good time together but no I don't cuddle them or anything. It would feel weird to me.

Am I really the odd one or does anyone else just not really do displays of affection much?

I cuddle and kiss my own DC a lot and am affectionate with them in a way it just feels weird to be with other people.

I think he is unreasonable because he knew this was how I am. Trying to force me to be more how he wants won't make me a different person.

OP posts:
margotrose · 04/12/2023 09:34

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 08:43

Hmm. There’s projection that the kids are hurt, forgive me if I’m wrong but I don’t think the OP has said that has she? It’s the naturally affectionate father whose looking at her through his own biased lens that is hurt.

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I think it's quite normal to be upset because your wife won't show your children any affection, though.

InefficientProcess · 04/12/2023 09:35

I bet they’re all his kids.

He probably wouldn’t be all huggy and kissy with SC either.

FilthyforFirth · 04/12/2023 09:37

Do you have nieces and nephews? Are you not affectionate towards them? I cannot imagine not kissing/cuddling,/playing on my lap with my niblings.

You so sound cold I'm afraid.

Onionsmadeofglass · 04/12/2023 09:37

InefficientProcess · 04/12/2023 09:32

Of course people differentiate in this way. It is not normal to go around hugging and kissing other people’s children.

The children you grew inside your uterus and may have breastfed are obviously different.

It does diminish over time even with your own children. My 14 year old certainly does not want hugs and kisses from his mum. he was the cuddliest toddler imaginable. He’ll tolerate the odd hug or ruffle of his hair. But I’m not going to force him. He’d be horrified if his SM wanted to hug or kiss him. She’s lovely and he likes her - but why would he want physical affection from her?

This all feels like the standard blaming the SM thing. With the usual claims of thinking of the poor children, but without any consideration of what the children want or feel (the youngest of which is probably at secondary school - 7 is the absolute youngest they could be and the eltionhop probably int start when they were a newborn).

it’s the husband complaining that his wife is … not the mother of his older children. That might make him sad or uncomfortable. But the likelihood is his children don’t want his wife pretending she’s their mum

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You’ve hit the nail on the head here. The only person who has an issue with OPs relationship with her stepkids is her husband. The kids and OP seem to have a positive relationship that’s just more about talking and doing helpful things rather than physical affection.

Alondra · 04/12/2023 09:40

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 09:23

See, I find posts like this totally ridiculous. And largely manufactured.

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Saying that it'd be helpful for the OP to explore her feelings with a therapist when she writes "DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward"

Intimacy in a marriage is difficult to sustain long term with affection between partners, that when the affection is not reciprocated.

The OP has mentioned a few things have happened in her life that may have contributed to feeling this way.

Saying exploring those feelings with a therapist are neither manufactured or ridiculous. People go to therapy for a many reasons, including understanding ourselves if the way we behave could be causing issues with the people we love.

margotrose · 04/12/2023 09:40

InefficientProcess · 04/12/2023 09:35

I bet they’re all his kids.

He probably wouldn’t be all huggy and kissy with SC either.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I know lots of step-parents (and have been one myself) and don't know a single one who would never hug their step-child or show them any affection.

Onionsmadeofglass · 04/12/2023 09:42

FilthyforFirth · 04/12/2023 09:37

Do you have nieces and nephews? Are you not affectionate towards them? I cannot imagine not kissing/cuddling,/playing on my lap with my niblings.

You so sound cold I'm afraid.

My nephews and nieces are preschool age and I only reciprocate physical affection that they initiate. I have an excellent relationship with them and their mum even said she thinks they really like being with me because I play with them and they know I’ll look after them however they need (including hugs if they want one) but I don’t scare them off by immediately demanding physical affection from them as soon as they arrive.

UnbeatenMum · 04/12/2023 09:52

I think you sound lovely and involved and they might not even want hugs from you. I wouldn't just start hugging at their ages without asking. My own 14yo doesn't like hugs that much, my 12yo does but only from immediate family.

Alondra · 04/12/2023 09:56

Onionsmadeofglass · 04/12/2023 09:42

My nephews and nieces are preschool age and I only reciprocate physical affection that they initiate. I have an excellent relationship with them and their mum even said she thinks they really like being with me because I play with them and they know I’ll look after them however they need (including hugs if they want one) but I don’t scare them off by immediately demanding physical affection from them as soon as they arrive.

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You don't need to scare them off, or being all over them like a bad rash. But small kids learn affection from opening your arms to them with a huge smile. They will rush to you and will love being swept off the ground on a bear hug. You don't need to be touching them all the time, but giving a kiss, a hug is how small children learn physical touch and affection.

I feel sorry you can only give your little nephews and nieces physical affection when they initiate. Playing with them is beside the point.

followmyflow · 04/12/2023 09:59

do teenage stepchildren really want hugs and affection from their stepmother? i certainly didnt when i was a teenager in a blended family. how long have you been married to him OP?
do they have contact with biological mother?
i think your husband might be getting offended on behalf of children who dont even mind. yes, step parent relationships are ultimately different from parent relationships. as long as both relationships are healthy its fine.

margotrose · 04/12/2023 10:00

I don’t scare them off by immediately demanding physical affection from them as soon as they arrive.

Why would they be scared off by physical affection from someone they love? Confused

Paperbagsaremine · 04/12/2023 10:06

It sounds like your DH should check with his kids - your DSC - about what they want first!

I have a DSM and we get on well, but I don't cuddle her. I have (had) my own DM, my DSM has a DD of her own, our relationship is entirely fine and appropriate.

That said, I am very cuddly with my OH. If you read up on love languages - I mean it's really not the be-all and end-all, but there is SOMETHING in that, I think - does it resonate with you? Are you able to tell your DH, "when I do this for you, it's me showing I love you"?

Alondra · 04/12/2023 10:06

The whole thread has taken a different path from the OP's original post.

Her original post was not about the difference in affection between her biological children and stepchildren but her own issues in demonstrating affection with anyone except her own children.

There is a big difference between not being as affectionate or demonstrating physical touch with your teen children v your small biological ones, than this:

I am not a hugely affectionate person, except with my children. Anyone else and I don't really do lots of cuddling or expressions of love. It's just not me and never has been. DH could cuddle to sleep, I can't stand it and have to sleep not touching at all. He likes to say lots of lovey things and I just find that a bit awkward. I will say small things and make little gestures but I'm just not a hugely affectionate person.

BlueEyedPeanut · 04/12/2023 10:08

It is a shame you have never been able to bring yourself to show affection to those little children. Of course they don't seek it from you now. Why would they? It has never been there for them.

HardHeartedHarbingerofHaggis · 04/12/2023 10:11

You sound fine OP especially given the ages of the children. I find it weird being physically affectionate with children who aren't my own. Cuddling/holding babies yes but kissing and snuggling with other children even nieces and nephews, bit odd. If they ran to me for a hug then yes I'd reciprocate or if they were upset I'd put an arm round them if I felt they wanted me to but I wouldn't initiate it usually. It's not nice when you see people forcing hugs and kisses on kids especially and they're squirming to get away or just putting up with it.
You sound like you have a great supportive and loving relationship with your DSC's, they would probably be mortified if you started hugging and kissing them, I know my teens do not like hugs and kisses from anyone but me really and DH at a push.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2023 10:11

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 09:23

See, I find posts like this totally ridiculous. And largely manufactured.

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See, I am very like the OP.

I am much more cuddly with DGC than I was with my own children although they are very much aware that I love them it is shown in more practical and thoughtful ways. And I am always there for them

I think sometimes people just need to accept others for who they are (not talking abusers obvs)

theleafandnotthetree · 04/12/2023 10:12

Onionsmadeofglass · 04/12/2023 08:21

When I was a teenage girl on a sports team I would have found any physical affection beyond high fives or something to celebrate a good game or maybe a hand on my back or my shoulder if I got physically knocked down by the other team to be extremely weird and uncomfortable. If a male coach especially started hugging the girls we would all have found him very creepy.

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Im talking about 9-11 year old children, not teenage girls. And I have known many of them since they were very little.

Isometimeswonder · 04/12/2023 10:13

WishIMite · 04/12/2023 09:13

I AM a very physical person but I still don’t act this way with my step children. It would feel very odd. They are not my children and I wouldn’t cuddle them any more than a visiting child. I’d also be freaked out in my DH did this to my children! In a step family I think you show love in different ways: caring for each other and remembering things for each other but it’s not the same as your biological children.

That said, if they are very young then it might be different. But overall YANBU

What a sad way of living. Stepchildren cannot be compared to visiting children (strangers). If you make your SC feel like that, then shame on you.
And if you wouldn't want your partner to cuddle your kids because they're not his! Wow. What a sad message to send them.

DancingFerret · 04/12/2023 10:13

If the SC have a good relationship with their own mother, it could be the SC are absolutely fine with not being treated in the same way as the OP's own DC. In fact, they could be uncomfortable and conflicted by shows of physical affection from their father's second wife.

As long as they're treated equally in everything else I really don't see the problem.

muchalover · 04/12/2023 10:14

My mother touched me twice in my life (after babyhood). That made me cold with my own children which has impacted them in a lot of ways, fundamentally self esteem.

You are able to be physical with your children but please be with your step children. Tell them how proud of them you are, you really like them, you find them loveable.

Your comfort is not worth the impact this will have on their lives. Double the affection you give your own children and your step children. You cannot spoil children with love.

Please.

JaneFarrier · 04/12/2023 10:14

@bigappler Having read all your replies, I don't think you are being unreasonable regarding the children! You have a warm, involved, but non-huggy relationship. That seems fine.

It does seem that since you clearly do love them, learning to drop a low-key "love you" in occasionally when you're saying goodbye or something might reassure your DH. That seems easier than manufacturing opportunities to hug. I know it's not your style, but we all learn to say things that are socially expected.

I'm more challenged by the mismatch in physical affection levels between you and your DH. I feel very awkward hugging my friends, even those I've known all my life, but I feel like physical snuggling is one of the main reasons (not the only one!) I want to be with my husband. That said, I can become "touched out" when my very huggy children have been a bit full-on. I think it's fine to have boundaries such as "I will cuddle as foreplay or before sleep, but I can't sleep in your arms because it's not a comfortable position to hold for that long." Maybe framing it that way might help him see it's about being physically (and emotionally!) comfortable and not because you don't have warm feelings?

Northernparent68 · 04/12/2023 10:18

I expect they’ll soon stop coming round

ManateeFair · 04/12/2023 10:19

I'm setting the stepkids issue aside as I don't really know what that dynamic is like.

But I think if you can't bear to be demonstrative towards your own partner, that is a problem. I think if someone posted a thread saying that her husband never showed her any affection and didn't express his love for her, people would be out in force telling her to LTB.

I'm probably at the lower end of the touchy-feely scale myself, but I can still express love and physical affection for my own partner and I'd feel pretty unloved if he didn't do the same for me. And yes, it is a cold way to behave towards someone. I realise you don't mean it unkindly, but it's still cold.

user1492757084 · 04/12/2023 10:19

With teenagers I think you need to listen and take their lead.
Be respectful of how they like to express and share affection with you. Respond in a manner that mirrors how they are to you, if you can.
Try to reach some middle ground like saying the word love in different situations. I love that colour on you. How lovely to have you here; you cheer us all up with that story.

Instructing your little ones to hug and kiss their siblings goodbye (if they feel secure doing that) like you do.

There would be times when I would try hard to display some affection because it means a lot to my partner.
Such as in greeting and farewelling, birthdays etc.

I agree that toddlers are at a different stage and you are their mother and so very tactile.

Commecicommeca26 · 04/12/2023 10:22

I am very similar towards DH and I know it’s a problem for him. I’m constantly affectionate with the children and after some reflection and therapy I’ve realised it’s because they feel less likely to reject me so I feel safer physically expressing my love for them in front of people for various reasons. I am trying really hard to be more affection towards DH and in my head it feels forced but he’s expressed how much he appreciates it. It’s ok to not be an affectionate person but maybe worth exploring if there is a reason you are subconsciously holding yourself back.