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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
tomatoontoast · 03/12/2023 00:16

Who is she to dictate what childcare your family provides?

If they've agreed to help, you go ahead and use that help. Do not discuss this plan with her again.

On the day she will be so busy she won't realise what's going on behind the scenes. Don't let it stress you. I'm sure it will all work out.

MelsMoneyTree · 03/12/2023 00:20

No-one and everyone.
I can understand why your DSIS wants everyone to enjoy the wedding and not be roped into babysitting. But it's a bit UR of her to want DCs there and not consider who can watch them.
Your DH is a bit UR to throw a strop and threaten not to come.
He may or may not be UR about your MIL. You know your MIL so you'll know if he is being UR about her capabilities.

KnowledgeableMomma · 03/12/2023 00:23

DH has the right idea. If he is offering to stay home with both kids, this frees you up to go enjoy DDis's wedding and bridesmaid duties. DH does know his mother better and if he says she won't enjoy watching kids, I'd take his word for it. You family members will also be ready to enjoy the wedding and may not appreciate babysitting duties. It is DSis's wedding; she can have it when and where she chooses. Would it have been extra nice for her to accommodate every guest? Sure, but unlikely and very hard. Let this one go.

jeaux90 · 03/12/2023 00:24

Go on your own.

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:28

Your DH is unreasonable.

You should all go and he can do the bulk of looking after the children while you are occupied with your bridesmaid duties.

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:30

Just think if the roles were reversed and it was his family wedding. You'd just look after both kids while he was unable to. It's a no brainer.

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/12/2023 00:30

If it's going to be very tough then go alone. But if your sis wants you all there then tell her she needs to get a grip as you have two young children who you will need help with on a long day. She decided to go abroad so she needs to make concessions

NowItsSpring · 03/12/2023 00:32

KnowledgeableMomma · 03/12/2023 00:23

DH has the right idea. If he is offering to stay home with both kids, this frees you up to go enjoy DDis's wedding and bridesmaid duties. DH does know his mother better and if he says she won't enjoy watching kids, I'd take his word for it. You family members will also be ready to enjoy the wedding and may not appreciate babysitting duties. It is DSis's wedding; she can have it when and where she chooses. Would it have been extra nice for her to accommodate every guest? Sure, but unlikely and very hard. Let this one go.

I agree - take up your DH's offer and enjoy the wedding,

UsingChangeofName · 03/12/2023 00:35

Obviously your dsis is the one being unreasonable here.

She knows you have a 4 yr old with ASD and a 7 month old, yet chose to have the wedding abroad.

She then asked you to help her out on the day, making what already seems like an impossible situation even less possible.
Then, when you and dh go over and above to make her unreasonable requests work, she then has the cheek to "tell you" you can't do that Hmm

It's not dh's sensible and helpful suggestion that is putting a downer on things, it is your sister's unreasonable requests.

Viviennemary · 03/12/2023 00:39

Easiest thing is to pull out of being a bridesmaid. You've done your best to try to make arrangements and other people dont want to cooperate.

Amigoingmad29weeks · 03/12/2023 00:40

Honestly I have been in basically exactly the same position recently. Except it being a close friend who is like my sister so none of my family were present to help. It was an extremely stressful day for me and one I would not repeat. If we did it again I would have bowed out from being maid of honour and asked to attend as a guest only as I was not good at or happy with any element of the wedding. My husband was not supported enough, my children needed my focus more than I was able and I was not able to be there for my friend as I wanted. With the wedding only a month away I would probably do as a previous poster said, I would continue to all family to help if they were happy to, I'm sure many will be happy to hold baby at various points and that is between you and them. If your sister objects again I would say then that is the only way you can be a bridesmaid so you are sorry but you can only attend as a guest, but would be happy to have a small short lived role maybe such as witness if she would like. I would not have been able to leave my 7 month old to go abroad even if I wanted to as I was still breastfeeding at that age, and would have been uncomfortable leaving them either way but you could present that as an option if you can. You'll need to prepare for upset, but tbh if you don't say it in my experience you'll both be dissatisfied anyway.

Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:49

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:30

Just think if the roles were reversed and it was his family wedding. You'd just look after both kids while he was unable to. It's a no brainer.

To be fair I think I would struggle in this environment as DC1 will probably just want to run off all the time due to being overstimulated.

OP posts:
boscabosco · 03/12/2023 01:11

just go on your own. Or explain more cleary what makes your child so unmanageable

boscabosco · 03/12/2023 01:11

*apologies ... clearly

crumblingschools · 03/12/2023 01:14

How far away is the wedding?

Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 01:19

boscabosco · 03/12/2023 01:11

just go on your own. Or explain more cleary what makes your child so unmanageable

Will become overwhelmed and overstimulated with being in a busy new environment, will try to run off, won’t sit down when told to and most likely will have meltdowns. Also won’t manage well with the flight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 01:20

crumblingschools · 03/12/2023 01:14

How far away is the wedding?

A six hour flight and then an hours drive.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 01:26

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:28

Your DH is unreasonable.

You should all go and he can do the bulk of looking after the children while you are occupied with your bridesmaid duties.

Yes I can really imagine that being said if the dh was best man and the wife was told 'you do the bulk of childcare'

He has offered to stay home so you can go childfree so not sure why he is being called unreasonable

Other people should not have to provide childcare for you paid or not

boscabosco · 03/12/2023 01:48

trying to put myself in your shoes, 6 hours flight with children that young, I just would not do it. I get that you probably don't want to go on your own, can his parents possibly have them. How long is the trip planned for? Is there a middle ground? Shorter trip but kids minded at home?

BottleRocketInTheSky · 03/12/2023 03:03

I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not

Are your family members happy to help? If so, tell Bridezilla to stfu and that it’s none of her business what others do.

HollaHolla · 03/12/2023 03:08

Only you know your children, but I think a 6 hour flight isn’t awful. Can you go earlier, to get your child acclimatised? Is that something that would help? Or if you stay somewhere different?
Is there a good friend you can take, who your son loves? I’d go for 3 or 4 days, if a friend paid for me… .

YireosDodeAver · 03/12/2023 03:22

You clearly cannot take both your DC and provide them with all the care they need just with you and DH with no support and alsp have you doing bridesmaid duties. If appropriate support can't happen then you will have to resign as bridesmaid and it's only fair to let DSis know that this is the alternative step if support cannot be agreed.

If you can afford it, it would be better to take, pay for and pay a childminder or nanny whose job it is to help with the children, rather than utilising family members who are therefore in an awkward state of not being quite fully guests as not able to relax and enjoy the event, and yet still being part of the family.

If that cannot be afforded then next best is for you to bring just 1 DC who you feel best able to cope with alone and for DH to stay home with the other DC, or for DH to stay home with both plus some external childcare support while you go alone.

The bride is being unreasonable to expect you to magically have easy-to-care-for-and-supervise kids just so that you can easily take on a bridesmaid role in a distant country with no support. Reality doesn't work like that.

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2023 03:26

Your dsis. Very very unreasonable! Just so bloody rude of her. Sorry dsis, we can’t bring children, Dh will stay home with them. It’s too hard to make that trip with them if we can’t ask anyone for help and finding paid childcare would also be hard plus expensive and we wouldn’t know them.
and have a lovely time!

flowerchild2000 · 03/12/2023 03:26

Why can't MIL make her own decisions?

wombat1a · 03/12/2023 03:28

Your DH has given you the best idea, go alone and enjoy the wedding. Other options would be to pull out of the wedding completely. It's her wedding, she can choose where she wants to get married but it's your choice if you go or not.