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Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 07:04

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 06:58

The bride is being unreasonable to tell people that they cannot help with childcare.

I dont agree. Why should family miss out on concentrating on the wedding because children are being disruptive?

GreatGateauxsby · 03/12/2023 07:06

DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away.* *

He is 100% correct and this is the best solution.
Do not get hung up on sunk cost fallacy re: flight tickets.

I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

Why does it upset you? Are you highly conflict adverse?

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.

You should. Your sister is being a dick and wants the moon on a stick.

- She's currently making daily mail angry face that you asked relatives help manage the kids.
- She's going to make daily mail sad face when the kids aren't there.
- She's ALSO going to make daily mail sad face if the kids ARE there and you aren't "fully present" for "her big day" as you are running after your kids.

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 07:07

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 07:04

I dont agree. Why should family miss out on concentrating on the wedding because children are being disruptive?

Show quote history

They shouldn't have to, but I just think it's quite controlling of the bride to dictate. If family want to help with the kids then it's really not up to her. Also she wants it both ways - kids there but no one having to look after them. That's not how kids work.

The way I see it, children are part of the family, they're not a 'chore', they should be included in weddings and family celebrations. I know not everyone sees it this way but I would see a wedding as a family coming together, that includes children and everything that goes with them, including looking after them.

kiwimelonlime · 03/12/2023 07:08

I think you should all go, and if it gets too much for DCs then DH takes them away from the celebrations. Maybe give it a chance and see how it goes?

jemenfous37 · 03/12/2023 07:10

I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.

Wow! You feel your sister should have considered your situation when planning HER wedding? Should she have considered the situation of every other bridesmade and groomsman? Or every other guest?

You could have refused to be a bridesmaid, pointing out to her that it would not be possible to meet her demands in relation to not wanting family members having to worry abour someone else's kids. It appears that you've suddenly realised the challenges involved andxare throwing this problem at her, just to go on top of other bride stresses.

CormorantStrikesBack · 03/12/2023 07:13

I’d be biting your husbands hand off at the chance to leave them all at home to be honest.

or if you’ve already paid for flights could they come for a holiday but not the wedding?

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 07:14

jemenfous37 · 03/12/2023 07:10

I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.

Wow! You feel your sister should have considered your situation when planning HER wedding? Should she have considered the situation of every other bridesmade and groomsman? Or every other guest?

You could have refused to be a bridesmaid, pointing out to her that it would not be possible to meet her demands in relation to not wanting family members having to worry abour someone else's kids. It appears that you've suddenly realised the challenges involved andxare throwing this problem at her, just to go on top of other bride stresses.

To be fair, I do think the bride and groom should have considered it when planning their wedding, if they were going to demand that everyone be there. Absolutely.

When I got married I thought about my guests and how far they would be able to travel. There's no way I would have got married abroad and expected everyone to go, including people with neurodiverse kids.

She can't have it both ways. Yes, OP could have refused to be a bridesmaid, but maybe she didn't know how demanding the bride was going to be?

It seems the bride has only just announced that no one else in the family is allowed to look after children. That's not really a normal demand. My assumption would have been that all the family would help out with the kids to enable everyone to go. If the bride is going to slam that down and say no one can do childcare then that is obviously going to cause issues.

Scottishgirl85 · 03/12/2023 07:22

I don't understand why you DH doesn't just look after them at the wedding?

Lovingitallnow · 03/12/2023 07:23

My DM helps me and supports me a huge amount with the kids. Obviously a lot of that is her choice, but she spends more time with my family of 5 than with my brother. She still makes time for him but her time is split between me, him and my kids- the grandkids as opposed to split between me and him. He completely understands this because he's a grown up. But I think if I asked my parents to help out with my kids at his wedding it would be a step too far for him, I would never ask that. It's his day and I'd want that for him. Similarly I wouldn't ask my younger cousins because I'd be afraid they wouldn't say no if they didn't want to and I hate when adults volunteer young people on their behalf. So I do see where your sister is coming from. I think the MIL idea is a great one but if DH thinks she's not up for it I guess you've no other choice than to go with his suggestion.

muddyford · 03/12/2023 07:24

No one is being unreasonable but you have irreconcilable priorities. Leave the children at home with your husband and go.

rookiemere · 03/12/2023 07:29

Another vote for go on your own.

I'm assuming the air fares alone are not cheap. Adding your MIL into the mix adds even more costs and complications.

Your Dsis can't have it all ways. She has kicked off because you have asked relatives to help. She will kick off if it's just you going to the wedding. Honestly she sounds like a spoiled brat and I disapprove of foreign weddings in principle as she's dictating how you spend your money and annual leave.

rookiemere · 03/12/2023 07:30

CormorantStrikesBack · 03/12/2023 07:13

I’d be biting your husbands hand off at the chance to leave them all at home to be honest.

or if you’ve already paid for flights could they come for a holiday but not the wedding?

Edited

Or if it's a holiday destination, this is a good compromise.

Ittastesvile · 03/12/2023 07:31

MIL can make her own decision.

I would have probably left DC1 at home with Dad and taken 7mo with me as I'd have been breastfeeding. I'd have found that least stressful.

If DSis wants you all there I think she has to accept your childcare decision.

What exactly are your BM duties? My single parent of two sibling was my BM and literally all they had to do was walk down the aisle behind me. The rest of the time they were with their kids.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 07:33

DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.

Point out to her that you have no way of magicking up childcare hundreds of miles away unless it's through family members, and ask her for suggestions of potential carers that are not strangers and are able to cope with a baby and a child with autism.

Scottishskifun · 03/12/2023 07:33

I really don't see why your DH can't look after them for getting ready and ceremony?

There will be lots of family about anyway most would happily look after a 7 month old in a pram or tell your DH to pop them into a carrier so they can chase your DS.

You have tried to find a solution which suits your DH....why he's the other parent and frankly he should be parenting. If he wants his mum to come to the wedding and help his choice.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/12/2023 07:33

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 01:19

Will become overwhelmed and overstimulated with being in a busy new environment, will try to run off, won’t sit down when told to and most likely will have meltdowns. Also won’t manage well with the flight.

Show quote history

I think they meant explain more clearly to your sister.

Tell her the family will only be looking after DC2 so DH can handle DC1. Unlikely to miss any of the wedding then.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 07:36

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:49

To be fair I think I would struggle in this environment as DC1 will probably just want to run off all the time due to being overstimulated.

Show quote history

In that case your husband's suggestion is definitely the most sensible one. There is just no point your children being at the wedding and it is better if they don't have to travel.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 03/12/2023 07:40

Go alone, enjoy the wedding and dh can either stay and look after the dc at home or at the wedding.

I 100% agree with dsis and understand why she doesn’t want you asking everyone else to help. She wants her parents / siblings/ cousins etc. actually enjoying the wedding and not just babysitting for you all day. Of course these family members won’t refuse but that’s just down to a feeling of obligation. I’m sure they would love to just enjoy the wedding without any obligations, especially a child with additional needs. They will want to have a drink and focus on enjoying themselves. You need to sort this out with just dh without forcing other family members to help.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 07:41

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

Edited

It seems an awful lot of faff and expense given that the children won't get anything out of being at the wedding and it will still cause stress to all concerned. Far better to let them stay at home, surely? Sure, OP's sister will be disappointed, but she is the one who chose the destination wedding and squashed OP's alternative plans, so tough, really.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2023 07:46

Scottishskifun · 03/12/2023 07:33

I really don't see why your DH can't look after them for getting ready and ceremony?

There will be lots of family about anyway most would happily look after a 7 month old in a pram or tell your DH to pop them into a carrier so they can chase your DS.

You have tried to find a solution which suits your DH....why he's the other parent and frankly he should be parenting. If he wants his mum to come to the wedding and help his choice.

Yes I'd happily watch a 7 month old in a pram during a ceremony where one parent was in the wedding and the other was watching a 4 year old. But the sister has said this isn't allowed. Which is ridiculous.

I was at a wedding this year where one of the bridesmaids was the bride's sister and she had a baby a similar age. Of course wider family took some time watching the baby, it would have been weird if the baby's grandparents (bride's parents) hadn't spent time holding him. It didn't detract from their enjoyment of the wedding and the bride wasn't insane enough to say "no mum, put your grandson down, I've told you you aren't to assist my sister in any way with her child".

Anisette · 03/12/2023 07:49

Scottishskifun · 03/12/2023 07:33

I really don't see why your DH can't look after them for getting ready and ceremony?

There will be lots of family about anyway most would happily look after a 7 month old in a pram or tell your DH to pop them into a carrier so they can chase your DS.

You have tried to find a solution which suits your DH....why he's the other parent and frankly he should be parenting. If he wants his mum to come to the wedding and help his choice.

OP's DH is offering to do 100% of the parenting at home, did you miss that? And he's not asking for his mum to come to the wedding, he just doesn't think she will cope if left to look after the children on her own.

The point is that the flight will be hell and it's not just a matter of chasing DS, it's trying to keep him quiet during the ceremony, and stop him from getting overwhelmed and going into meltdown. It's much easier all round if the children stay in familiar surroundings at home.

Bumblefuzz · 03/12/2023 07:49

I think I would contact the hotel in the first instance and find out if they have any nanny/ childcare provision that can be paid for for basic needs of the 7 mth old when you're not able. Your DH can then focus on the 4 yo. I suspect (if your family are anything like mine when my DD was that age) you will have loads of people wanting to cuddle/feed etc. anyway and will volunteer themselves. I would also buy contact bracelets (they attach like hospital bracelets and can only be cut off) in case your 4 yo is separated at any point. Also sunflower lanyard for airport because the staff are sympathetic to additional needs. My DD is now a teenager but only just being diagnosed. She was a runner at 4. I had to buy wrist straps to take her to school so that she couldn't just run in the road.

If that isn't an option, then I would go on my own.

ZenNudist · 03/12/2023 07:50

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:28

Your DH is unreasonable.

You should all go and he can do the bulk of looking after the children while you are occupied with your bridesmaid duties.

This. FGS unless there's a massive drip feed as to special needs why can't he parent a baby/toddler and a preschooler?

Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 07:51

For added context the accommodation is booked so would lose some money on that if all of us didn’t go but we haven’t booked flights yet due to this issue of whether all of us will go or how long we will go for. I’ve been keeping an eye on them daily and they haven’t jumped up in price yet but obviously that could happen at any point now.
Previous posters are probably right that it’s unfair to have asked family to help out during the trip (which is 5 days) and it was my parents, other sibling and uncle and Aunt who had said they would help out. They were all very aware of the difficulty I had with trying to keep everyone happy. I had just asked aunt to hold the baby during the ceremony and I would never ask anyone else to do anything during that ceremony.
I obviously know that DC1 is going to get little positive out of this trip and I have never done anything but put their needs well before everyone else’s but I have felt I should think of my Dsis and try and accommodate her wants on this occasion. I realise it’s probably not possible to do exactly as she asks. To be clear I want her to have exactly what she wants for her wedding but would have appreciated a conversation on letting me decide on whether the children should be there or not given the wedding was a destination one instead of demanding they be there.
The venue isn’t really set up for children, there’s nothing around there - no parks or anything. I believe all other guests have chosen not to bring their children which says it all I suppose.

OP posts:
Anisette · 03/12/2023 07:54

MelsMoneyTree · 03/12/2023 00:20

No-one and everyone.
I can understand why your DSIS wants everyone to enjoy the wedding and not be roped into babysitting. But it's a bit UR of her to want DCs there and not consider who can watch them.
Your DH is a bit UR to throw a strop and threaten not to come.
He may or may not be UR about your MIL. You know your MIL so you'll know if he is being UR about her capabilities.

Where does OP say he has thrown a strop or threatened anything? I must say, I'm quite impressed that he's offering to look after both children on his own for a few days to let OP concentrate on her sister. There are all too many men who wouldn't contemplate it.

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