Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

[Pastelpoppy]

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

I can't understand why people think your DH is being unreasonable. I think he's doing the opposite. He's offering to not go abroad and stay at home with 2 young children as to cause the least amount of distress to them.

Equally your sister isn't being unreasonable. She's within her right to plan her wedding where she wants without taking into consideration needs of your children. However she does need to accept the consequence of a destination wedding in that not everyone can come.

I'd go on your own and enjoy yourself. If my husband had suggested me going on a foreign holiday when our little one was 7 months, you wouldn't have seen me for dust!

When my siblings or even close friends got married, I did what I could to make their wedding day run smoothly.

This is a bit more complicated because it is 5 days , two 6 hour flights and you and your DH need extra support with your dc.

List the options as outlined above and hand them over to Dsis and DP. Let them come up with their best solution. Everything except you do everything to please everyone else at your expense.

Ignore the drama, drop the rope.

Because OP wants them all to go! That is what is wrong with it. She has shown that by coming u with a solution that means they can go - he doesnt agree, so he can sort one out

Speak to your sister directly and give her the three options a PP listed.

No I don’t think they do, as they don’t live the experience like we do. Which I can’t expect them to fully understand I get that. Sometimes DC will seem fine in some situations, however they actually mentally shut down and will suffer for days afterwards.

If your family are happy to help then it is none of your sisters business. Nobody wants to miss the wedding.

They need to tell her to stay out of it as its between all of you

@Pastelpoppy your parenting decision are not anyone else's business. They aren't your sisters or your extended families. I wouldn't run anything by anyone. DH and I have decided x. I'm sorry your disappointed but our decision is final.

I think you need to ignore your sister and get on with figuring out what help you need to make it work

and whether that includes, say, your DH leaving the wedding after the ceremony and photos and not trying to get through the meal (probably what I’d go for).

if your mum can / will help you I can see your sister being bothered by that - reasonable of her to want her mum around when getting ready and during the ceremony. And does your mum have a role in the wedding? A reading or signing the register?

so someone to help you DH before and during the ceremony when you are busy with your sister. Someone else to help after and during photos. Then see how they do at the drinks part but plan that your DH will leave at that point.

maybe dont tell your sister but make an excuse on the day - 4 year old has been sick for example. Everyone will be fine with them leaving.

you need to make sure relatives helping aren’t diverting from wedding roles to do so.

and if they’re not I agree with PP on the day your sister will be busy and not notice.

so if your wider family want you to be there. Tell the clearly you need help to make it work and get that in place and tell your sister you’ve worked it out.

Sort yourselves out and leave your Dsis out of it. Putting your childcare decisions on them would be manipulative and passive aggressive.

Your DH has already some up with the perfect solution. As a minimum, we are only talking about the ceremony.

It doesn't sound like you would want to help the bride get ready before the wedding. In any case, your family arrangements on the day might mean you need to support your DH.

My ds was a few weeks old when my OH's friend got married and had a child free wedding a 7 hour drive away. As the only couple at the time with DC it was a PITA. Roll forward a few years and the same friends were in the same situation and complained a lot. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Such is life.

What was your wedding like?

Your family are bonkers.

I wouldn't be doing this with dc of that age who were neurotypical.
There is no way I'd do this with a 4 yr old who has ASD, and a baby as well.

OP, stop "mentioning" things, and just calmly tell them that is what you and dh have decided as the best thing for your dc.

If the couple who are getting married, choose to get married somewhere that is going to be such a challenge to get to, then they have to accept that some people won't be able to come. It's not you who has made it difficult for your dc (and, by default, dh) to attend, it is the B&G.

But if you think they can’t cope, then leave them at home as DH suggested.

If I was confident with the flight then I personally would get them to all come but have a plan that they may not come to the actual wedding or they may have to leave half way.

If you’re not comfortable with your kids going, then leave them at home.
But it sounds like you do want them to go but you’re just worried.

Previous posters are probably right that it’s unfair to have asked family to help out during the trip (which is 5 days) and it was my parents, other sibling and uncle and Aunt who had said they would help out.

Wait wait, you've asked for some help over the 5 days and your sister has kicked off and said this isn't acceptable? Even for the four days she's not even getting married? She sounds like a nightmare tbh.

Tell them to talk to the bride about her ban on them helping out, then. If they want to argue about it, you might as well point them at the right person.

Honestly OP, as someone else up thread said, tell your family who are now upset that your DC may not come what your sister has said about her not wanting anyone to help and see what they say. I actually think your DH having the kids at home and you going would be the best option. I think it is fair enough your sister wanting your DC to come to her wedding but what is not fair is for her or any other family members to be upset in any way at you for making the decision to go without them.

Yes, this basically, although i now don’t think it’s necessary for us (or me) to go for the whole duration.

Also, I’m absolutely not resentful of going on my own. I feel upset that my dc cannot come to an important family occasion due to additional needs and it’s a lot to come to terms with. i am also upset to make my sister and family upset about the situation but I know I need to put DC1’s needs before any of these feelings.

You need to turn this around and say you are all being nasty and horrible. I would never insist you all be exhausted stressed and miserable for days. Sister says it’s not fair on you if you help with my dc and has given me lots of things to do to support her. WE CANNOT DO THIS AND LOOK AFTER OUR CHILDREN WITH NO HELP. they will hate the trip, they will be really out of their comfort zone, they won’t be coping any more than I will be! Stop insisting on a plan that will mean I and my dc have terrible memories of sisters wedding as the most miserable 5 days in our lives. Is that really what you want??

I really don't get the angst.

Some posters are saying the children won't remember it anyway, others are saying they'll be scarred for life.

Does no one put themselves out for family any more? 'But it won't be FUN! What if a or b or c happens? But OP has KIDS! Everyone else needs to stop everything and help'.

Look it might turn to shit (as anything with kids has the possibility of) or it might be ok, albeit a little stressful.

There will be two parents there and available for the bulk of the trip. If the DH does need assistance then I'm sure someone will hold the baby.

I've done multiple trips including weddings with my four (one with special needs) both with ex and by myself. It takes some planning, but you also can't plan for everything. Sometimes it's hard but I do it to see my family and make them happy. In this case it's a one off, for a wedding. Go or don't go but I don't think the OP's family are terrible for wanting the kids there.

What became of the old idea that the bridesmaids were unmarried/childless women?

OP people and family members get overly hung up on EVERYBODY going to a wedding.

some above just said what happened to bridesmaids being unmarried and childless women? You could also say what happened to weddings being events for adults (which they used to be)?

weddings can bring out the worst in family members with everyone jostling to get what they want and not really thinking of others.

its different getting married when your friends and relatives have young kids. Thoughtful hosts factor that in. But some don’t and just want those guest parents to suck it up (Which can vary from insisting on no kids at all to your situation of want kids there but very difficult for you to navigate).

figure out what is best for you and your family and then make that happen. Be calmly transparent with other family members of your kids needs and your sister view that no one should help.

good luck