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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 03/12/2023 03:35

Your DH has given you the best idea, go alone and enjoy the wedding. Other options would be to pull out of the wedding completely. It's her wedding, she can choose where she wants to get married but it's your choice if you go or not.

This ^

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 03/12/2023 03:45

Honestly, I had non-neurotypical children and this sounds like nightmare scenario. I have seen even seemingly normal children cause havoc at a wedding - running up and down the aisle, nearly knocking over some plant perched on top of some pillar arrangement and yowling during the service drowning out the bride and groom's responses. I was at a family wedding with my eldest and it took mine and my husband's combined efforts to wrangle him into a pew and keep him quiet. You will have a baby and bridesmaid duties.

And I have seen people travelling long haul with small children and it looks hellish and it is almost certainly is.

Your sister is being unreasonable. I would go with your husband's plan. You can enjoy the wedding without fear of it being spoilt by a meltdown in the church and have a stress-free trip. Dear sis will just have to accept that a destination wedding comes with some compromises.

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 03:52

Assuming DH is the brother of your Dsis then he is being ridiculous suggesting he won't go to the wedding.
And assuming MIL is also mother of the bride, of course you can't rope her in for childcare duties when her daughter needs her on her wedding day.
I suggest you have a chat with the bride and explain the situation with the kids. You and DH tag team with the kids throughout the day. Say you can still be a bridesmaid but with minimal input as you're children also need looking after.
If you can afford it, I'd pay for my mum to fly out and help.

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 03:55

Ignore me! I think my assumptions are wrong as I've misread your post! She's your sister.
DH is right - he should stay home with the kids. You enjoy yourself. Much easier.

Annahh · 03/12/2023 04:16

I would put my kids needs first. That actually sounds like being with them- wherever you are.

I wouldn't leave them home if you don't want to.

Just be careful your family haven't complained to your sis behind your back about not wanting to babysit and that's why your sis has said this.

autienotnaughty · 03/12/2023 04:24

Your sister is being unfair. She wants you all there but wants you to be present for her and for your dh to have no help. No way would I take my asd kid on a long flight either.

I'd either all go and take someone to help. (Paid) or just you go.

UsefulZombie · 03/12/2023 04:26

My kid is also 4 and autistic. There's absolutely no way I'd expect him to even attempt to tolerate a flight, totally new environment, and the demands of a very peopley wedding. Would your son actually enjoy it? Because it doesn't sound like it so stop thinking about what you feel you should do and focus on what will minimise distress for your son. Take up your DH's offer to stay home with DC where they're comfortable and happy and safe and you can totally focus on the wedding. Arrange an alternative celebration with your sister that doesn't involve sensory distress and unmanageable demands on your child.

ZekeZeke · 03/12/2023 04:32
  1. Don't be bridesmaid and go and enjoy the wedding. Share the parenting with DH.
But if things get overwhelming for your DS it's your DH that leaves early. You stay, enjoy the freedom of being a guest without the pressure of being bridesmaid.
  1. Take family members up on their offer to help. Don't share this information with your sister. She can't dictate who can or cannot help you. Stop oversharing and just say you will sort something if asked.
  1. Go alone and leave DH home as he suggested.
Petitedress · 03/12/2023 04:45

YireosDodeAver · 03/12/2023 03:22

You clearly cannot take both your DC and provide them with all the care they need just with you and DH with no support and alsp have you doing bridesmaid duties. If appropriate support can't happen then you will have to resign as bridesmaid and it's only fair to let DSis know that this is the alternative step if support cannot be agreed.

If you can afford it, it would be better to take, pay for and pay a childminder or nanny whose job it is to help with the children, rather than utilising family members who are therefore in an awkward state of not being quite fully guests as not able to relax and enjoy the event, and yet still being part of the family.

If that cannot be afforded then next best is for you to bring just 1 DC who you feel best able to cope with alone and for DH to stay home with the other DC, or for DH to stay home with both plus some external childcare support while you go alone.

The bride is being unreasonable to expect you to magically have easy-to-care-for-and-supervise kids just so that you can easily take on a bridesmaid role in a distant country with no support. Reality doesn't work like that.

next best is for you to bring just 1 DC who you feel best able to cope with alone and for DH to stay home with the other DC, or for DH to stay home with both plus some external childcare support while you go alone.

Why can't a father look after his two children alone for a few days? He's offered to stay home with the children whilst OP goes to her sister's wedding. I think this is a good idea.

Ebony69 · 03/12/2023 04:52

I cannot understand why anyone has suggested that the DH is being unreasonable? I assume he knows how much his mother is capable of. And he’s offered to stay and care for his kids to free up OP so she can enjoy her sister’s wedding. How on earth can that be described as him having a ‘strop’? That is some twisted logic.

WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 05:31

Ebony69 · 03/12/2023 04:52

I cannot understand why anyone has suggested that the DH is being unreasonable? I assume he knows how much his mother is capable of. And he’s offered to stay and care for his kids to free up OP so she can enjoy her sister’s wedding. How on earth can that be described as him having a ‘strop’? That is some twisted logic.

Not really on here whatever men does is wrong

Seaitoverthere · 03/12/2023 05:45

I think take your DH up on his offer of staying with the DC and go on your own.

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

TheWetBandits · 03/12/2023 05:55

@Pastelpoppy Will become overwhelmed and overstimulated with being in a busy new environment, will try to run off, won’t sit down when told to and most likely will have meltdowns. Also won’t manage well with the flight.

I think pp meant better explain to your sister what makes your DC so difficult to manage. I think we get it OP and I would explain as you have above to your sister and give her two options: either family can help out while you're there or you go alone. The 3rd option if she says no to either is that you decline bridesmaid duties altogether ...

rainbowstardrops · 03/12/2023 05:55

Primarily, I think your sister is being unreasonable. She's chosen a wedding destination which includes a 7 hour journey and is refusing to allow family members to help out with childcare (not sure how that works) but your husband is also a bit unreasonable for refusing to allow his mother to come and help too. Would your MIL be ok or against this idea?
Again, it's great that DH has offered to stay home with the kids but how would that make you feel?
If I were you, I'd be having an honest chat with your sister and say you're really worried about the set up.

Livingoncaffeine · 03/12/2023 05:58

I think either leave the children at home with DH or resign as bridesmaid

WandaWonder · 03/12/2023 06:00

rainbowstardrops · 03/12/2023 05:55

Primarily, I think your sister is being unreasonable. She's chosen a wedding destination which includes a 7 hour journey and is refusing to allow family members to help out with childcare (not sure how that works) but your husband is also a bit unreasonable for refusing to allow his mother to come and help too. Would your MIL be ok or against this idea?
Again, it's great that DH has offered to stay home with the kids but how would that make you feel?
If I were you, I'd be having an honest chat with your sister and say you're really worried about the set up.

So basically the op dictates what has to happen and everyone else jumps to attention?

romdowa · 03/12/2023 06:03

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 01:19

Will become overwhelmed and overstimulated with being in a busy new environment, will try to run off, won’t sit down when told to and most likely will have meltdowns. Also won’t manage well with the flight.

Show quote history

You know this trip is going to distress your 4 year old , so you need to keep her at home. It's not fair on the child to put her through all that for the sake of someone else. Her attendance isn't important in the grand scale of things. Put her first

rainbowstardrops · 03/12/2023 06:06

So basically the op dictates what has to happen and everyone else jumps to attention?

Where on earth did I say that? I suggested the OP chats to her sister re her concerns. You know, like grown adults would. That's not dictating.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 03/12/2023 06:08

I am inclined to agree with your husband. That is what we would do.

margotrose · 03/12/2023 06:12

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding?

They're two completely different scenarios though. At home the children have their own stuff, their own beds to sleep in and their normal routine to follow.

On a trip they have none of that, plus all the noise and excitement and overwhelm of a wedding.

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 06:14

Your sister is trying to erase your family. The thing with family's is that if they work well they all work to help each other out AND celebrate big occasions and no one would bat an eyelid if say auntie Agnes was taking one of the kids for a an hour so they can get some down time.

You sister has issues. I get it's meant to be THEIR big day but they have invited the family they have, presumably because they love them, and it's very very sad she's behaving like this. Whilst I can understand she doesn't want her guests being tied down all the time if you make it so it's just an hour at a time they won't miss much. Plus your children will be part of the day too? How many ceremonies is she having is it just the one day then follow up celebrations?

Appleblum · 03/12/2023 06:14

Your DH has already offered the best solution - go by yourself and he'll take care of the kids.

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 06:15

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

Edited

It's a completely different scenario. My child is much "easier" at home than when over stimulated by a new environment

Bertiesmum3 · 03/12/2023 06:16

If the wedding is a month away surely all flights and accommodation is paid for already?
all 4 of you go and if child starts playing up, then get your husband to take the children away from the wedding to a park or back to your room

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