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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 03/12/2023 06:27

I think your sister is being unreasonable. You’re her family, you have young children, and they need to be looked after - even on her special day. Either you can’t be a bridesmaid or several family members need to take turns keeping an eye on your children. If I were in your shoes I’d prefer not to be a bridesmaid because I’d rather not have the stress. And also, I’d be a bit miffed that my children seemed to be considered an inconvenience, rather than part of one of the families celebrating the marriage. But then I’m quite cynical about brides who go into princess mode for their wedding day.

BlueEyedPeanut · 03/12/2023 06:30

It sounds like it is going to be too much for your DD no matter who is looking after her, so the kindest thing really would be to let her stay at home with all her stuff around her. It's a lot for any 4-year-old.

FortunataTagnips · 03/12/2023 06:31

Fuck. That.
I had a similar situation with my cousin’s wedding earlier this year. I went on my own and DP stayed at home with DD. There’s absolutely no way she’d have coped with the travel or the wedding. My family would have loved her to have been there, but it couldn’t be done. Soz.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2023 06:32

I'd go with your DH's suggestion of you going alone. If this bothers your sister, then that's unfortunate but she can get over it. She wants the children there, but she's put her foot down over any family members helping you out (like it's any of her business what they agree to, or like her wedding is so special that someone can't possibly be slightly distracted by a baby for a short time).

LAMPS1 · 03/12/2023 06:34

Your sister is the unreasonable one.

She can’t have it both ways. She wants the children there but doesn’t want them looked after by anybody except their parents. But she wants you to be bridesmaid attending to her needs and not your children’s needs.

You need to have another talk with her and ask her what she suggests.
She is making it impossible for you be positive about it. There are too many problems to overcome not least a long haul flight with jet lag for two little ones.

I would go as a guest but not as a bridesmaid.
Very firmly put your own children first.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 03/12/2023 06:36

People who do destination weddings are selfish.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2023 06:37

Go alone.

I’d be loathe to ask family members who will be there for a hand, because destination weddings are expensive, and I’d want to enjoy the festivities, not help wrangle kids… ESPECIALLY if it was my daughter getting married.

Neither of your kids will enjoy the travel or the wedding, neither you or your dh will enjoy wrangling kids who are completely out of their element and also off schedule.

The best thing for your kids is to stay home with Dad

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 06:38

You going alone is the only sensible option here

ThomasinaLivesHere · 03/12/2023 06:39

Your DH’s suggestion is the least stressful so personally I’d go with that. You can actually enjoy the wedding and be a bridesmaid.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2023 06:42

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

Edited

Because OP has said this about her older child "Will become overwhelmed and overstimulated with being in a busy new environment, will try to run off, won’t sit down when told to and most likely will have meltdowns."

So, during the ceremony for example, it sounds like her DH would need to be very involved with the older child, and therefore can't look after the baby. I assume some of the help they've asked family members for is along the lines of "can you have the baby in the pram next to you during the ceremony so DH can take care of DC1". But the sister has forbidden this. Not sure exactly what the sister expects to happen during the ceremony with one child running off and no one else allowed to watch the baby, lest they not be giving her their full attention but anyway.

Looking after two children in their own home is massively different to looking after two children at a wedding, one of whom is likely to run off and have meltdowns.

Namechange4234 · 03/12/2023 06:42

I appreciate that your sister will be sad that your children can't be at the wedding. Are you sure you've explained clearly the havoc they will cause? If you have, then she's very tone deaf

If there is NO-ONE who can watch each child for the plane trip, car ride and for the WHOLE of the wedding and wedding party.......then you either go alone or don't go at all

Bournetilly · 03/12/2023 06:46

I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable, maybe your sis slightly.

I can understand why she doesn’t want family to be preoccupied and she wants them to be fully involved but then she can’t be upset at the fact your DC can’t come.

If your MIL was happy to watch your DC then I don’t see the problem with this as the wedding is only 1 day and she can enjoy the rest of the holiday with you. If your DH is saying this is unfair maybe he knows MIL will feel this way but won’t say so.

Your DH is offering to stay at home with both DC so I would just do this and you go alone, it’s the best way. Your sis knew the situation when choosing a destination wedding and has no right to be upset about it.

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 06:46

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

Edited

Who would they be attending for though? Who would actually benefit from them being there?

ds is much older but due to his autism I wouldn’t take him to a wedding in this country let alone abroad. It wouldn’t be fair on him, it wouldn’t be fair on the bride and groom (even if they have happily invited him) nor would it be fair on the other guests. Nobody would benefit from him being there certainly not him.

by staying at home in a familiar environment while the OP goes to the wedding that makes things as relaxed as possible.

Notsurewhatnext · 03/12/2023 06:48

your dsis is unreasonable. she knew about your child's SN and what on earth is wrong with family helping out because they are all there.

it's impossible to access childcare for a child with SN in the UK, how does she expect you to source childcare abroad?

If DD is such an inconvenience, I simply wouldn't bother going. Can you get the money back if you pull out now?

Moltenpink · 03/12/2023 06:50

Are the family members your parents? I can understand your sis wanting their full attention on her wedding day tbh

Autumnleavesarefallingdownagain · 03/12/2023 06:51

UsefulZombie · 03/12/2023 04:26

My kid is also 4 and autistic. There's absolutely no way I'd expect him to even attempt to tolerate a flight, totally new environment, and the demands of a very peopley wedding. Would your son actually enjoy it? Because it doesn't sound like it so stop thinking about what you feel you should do and focus on what will minimise distress for your son. Take up your DH's offer to stay home with DC where they're comfortable and happy and safe and you can totally focus on the wedding. Arrange an alternative celebration with your sister that doesn't involve sensory distress and unmanageable demands on your child.

This. The whole thing will be a big strain on your 4 year old and the baby won’t know what’s going on. Had a similar situation recently with DH’s family wedding and about 4 weeks before the wedding had the brainwave to bloody well stay home wuth my littlest. And thank god I did. Yes the family missed him, yes my DH would have liked us all there but honestjy best decision ever. I shudder when I think about how hideous it would have been managing the little one on the flight, the jet lag and all the chaos. Let DH stay home with the children

telestrations · 03/12/2023 06:53

Don't go

Go alone

Go but don't be a bridesmaid to free yourself up to look after your children at the wedding with your DH

Offer your sister the 3 options to choose between

wherethewildtbingsgo · 03/12/2023 06:55

I don't think your sister is being unfair. She's probably stressed about the whole day but really wants you all to be there and wants her family to enjoy it and relax. I don't really know what you mean when you said your family members would help out? Do you mean you had asked them to miss bits of the wedding so that they could help with childcare? If so then that's unreasonable of you.

I get that this is a lot to juggle but children are always a juggle. Either go with your DH and the kids and manage it as best you can e.g you get ready with your sister whilst DH looks after the kids, you look after your kids at the meal as you normally would, you and DH leave early to put the kids to bed and you come back to the wedding leaving DH in the hotel with sleeping children OR you leave DH at home with the kids with a big apology to your sister who will probably be heartbroken they aren't attending.

I don't think it's right to get annoyed with your sister for not planning her wedding around your children.

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 06:58

I also think the sister is right to say no to other family members helping out on the day of the wedding. Those family members have paid to go to the wedding, they are there for the wedding and should be able to enjoy it without an expectation of providing childcare and risking missing chunks of the day.

I know my family would say yes because that’s what family do but that doesn’t mean it would be right to ask for it.

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 06:58

The bride is being unreasonable to tell people that they cannot help with childcare.

2021x · 03/12/2023 06:58

Noone is unreasonable- but you are trying to keep everyone happy.

It sounds like you are a bit stressed, so if you can leave your DC, then I would go on your own and focus on your sister. Sure its not perfect, but when you have desitantion weddings sacrifices will be made.

TrishyLou1111 · 03/12/2023 06:59

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

Edited

Because one DC has ADD. It's not the same as 'being at home' or 'why can't he just attend some'. It's an entirely different environment than home, and for someone neurodivergent, this can be horrific. The ignorance of some people is astounding.

Nanaof1 · 03/12/2023 07:02

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 01:20

A six hour flight and then an hours drive.

Show quote history

Go on your own. Your DSis will be so busy with everything that she won't truly appreciate your children this trip. Go and enjoy yourself. Spend it catching up with people you don't see often and catch up on sleep.
It's really the best solution for your family.

2021x · 03/12/2023 07:03

fairygalaxy · 03/12/2023 06:14

Your sister is trying to erase your family. The thing with family's is that if they work well they all work to help each other out AND celebrate big occasions and no one would bat an eyelid if say auntie Agnes was taking one of the kids for a an hour so they can get some down time.

You sister has issues. I get it's meant to be THEIR big day but they have invited the family they have, presumably because they love them, and it's very very sad she's behaving like this. Whilst I can understand she doesn't want her guests being tied down all the time if you make it so it's just an hour at a time they won't miss much. Plus your children will be part of the day too? How many ceremonies is she having is it just the one day then follow up celebrations?

Pretty big leap here! Some people have different ideas about celebrations and families. A 4 YO and 7 Month old are not going to miss out at all.

OverTheCountryClub · 03/12/2023 07:03

I think your dh has the right idea tbh. I have a 4yo with asd and a 2yo and there is no way on earth I'd take them to a wedding abroad. Absolutely not. People saying "if dh can look after them at home, he can do it at the wedding" don't get it. The 4yo will be coping with a huge upheaval in routine and environment- already 2 massive trigger points for meltdowns. Then there's safety - from navigating the airport to the wedding itself. Home is probably largely safe and child-proof; an unknown environment means 4yo will have to be watched like a hawk. My 4yo has zero safety awareness. Zero. He just acts and we can't take our eyes off him. I mean ever. Then there's food, weather that may be different from what he is used to, noise, the clothes he will have to wear...I mean the entire thing is a sensory nightmare! And it isn't even as though you could set up the baby with toys and snacks and focus on the 4yo for periods of time - a 7mo needs regular changing and feeding and naps. If it were two NT kids then absolutely- DH suck it up. A 4yo with ASD and a totally dependent 7mo in tow?? No way. I completely agree that the kids stay home with dh and you go solo!