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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
margotrose · 03/12/2023 07:54

@ZenNudist if you read the OP the oldest does have special needs.

Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 07:56

Yorkshiredolls · 03/12/2023 05:49

So DH feels confident enough to send you off on your own and hes fine with the kids at home alone but he cant look after them on his own at the wedding? It’s only one day and you’ll be together the rest if the days to tag team them. you obviously know your kids best but why cant he just attend the ceremony/meal and if/when/before it all gets a bit overwhelming cant he just take them both off back to your accommodation for some quiet time? at least they’ve been able to attend some but not all of it?

Edited

As other posters have said it’s a completely different story when taking a child with autism away, to them being at home. No overstimulation, no change of routine and everything set up for them safely wise. The behaviour will be completely different and a lot more manageable.

OP posts:
ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 03/12/2023 07:58

BottleRocketInTheSky · 03/12/2023 03:03

I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not

Are your family members happy to help? If so, tell Bridezilla to stfu and that it’s none of her business what others do.

I don't understand this bit?

What help have you asked for exactly? Because I don't understand how you sister is saying no?

"Aunty Jane, when we get to the airport, can you push baby so I can carry eldest?"

Dsis: "No!! She can't push a pram!"

This makes no sense?

Is it more that there are certain activities that bride has planned and you're asking people to miss them to assist you with childcare at those times?

Agloveandbeyond · 03/12/2023 07:58

Just go on your own, you’d need accommodation anyway so that isn’t wasted money and 1 flight instead of 4 will be a good savings

WellWellSaidTheRockingChair · 03/12/2023 08:02

Why can’t your husband look after the kids while you do bridesmaid duties, and the. You guys enjoy family time together on holiday once the event is over?

kaboomy · 03/12/2023 08:04

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:28

Your DH is unreasonable.

You should all go and he can do the bulk of looking after the children while you are occupied with your bridesmaid duties.

Or he's being rational. With an infant and an asd small child it may not be reasonable to think one person will be able to handle both for the entirety of the wedding. He can leave the infant but the asd child who runs off will need constant attention. How would that work? How does he rush off to assist runner asd dc whilst also holding infant? He can't leave infant with anyone as apparently Dsis has vetoed this 🙄

Selttan · 03/12/2023 08:06

I'd just go on your own, then you can actually enjoy the wedding if you aren't worrying about what your kids are up to.

kaboomy · 03/12/2023 08:08

TealSapphire · 03/12/2023 00:30

Just think if the roles were reversed and it was his family wedding. You'd just look after both kids while he was unable to. It's a no brainer.

I think anyone would struggle with an asd small child and an infant. What happens with infant when child runs off or has a meltdown? What a single parent can handle in a familiar environment is not the same as at a wedding. In regular life if asd child starts kicking off it's ok. Exhausting but ok. At a wedding there is so much pressure not to 'ruin' the wedding so asd small child will need constant attention and support. Impossible with an infant and bridesmaids duties. Especially as Dsis has bizarrely vetoed asking other family guests to help.

Notonthestairs · 03/12/2023 08:10

Don't put your 4 year old through this.

I do think your sister is unreasonable to want you as bridesmaid, your kids present but no additional support from family. It's not practical.

But regardless I wouldn't take my kids knowing one of them would be under a great deal of strain.

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 08:15

To me the decision here needs to be what is best for both small children and their individual needs. For the 4 year old that seems to be staying home with Dad for the 5 days. For the 7 month old that may be going with Mum and being looked after by a great aunt during the service or staying at home with Dad. The fact that the venue isn’t a family friendly one would probably suggest the OP is best going alone.

going alone also has the added bonus of giving her time to get some decent rest which I am guessing with an autistic toddler and a baby is much needed

TheIsleOfTheLost · 03/12/2023 08:20

I don't think she is being unreasonable in having the wedding she wants. I do think she is being very unreasonable in knowingly having an event that makes it very difficult for you to attend, still expecting you to be there and without help.

I don't think husband is being unreasonable, he knows what his mum could cope with. It is also fine if you don't want to leave your kids for a few days. I would've have been ok with leaving my kids for even a night at 7 months old.

You need to talk to your sister and set out which options work for you and your family. If that means you can only attend as a guest or even not at all then so be it.

WonderingWanda · 03/12/2023 08:21

I think your sister has been very unrealistic. She wants you to be bridesmaid she wants your kids there, she doesn't want anyone to help you with your kids. It's just not workable. I don't think your dh is being unreasonable, its a big ask to get his Mum to do a trip that long just for child care, it might be different if she was just down the road. I think the best option is you go alone and try to enjoy some child free time. My much older and nt children were the only kids at my brothers wedding and it was a very boring day for them. I didn't really get to enjoy the wedding as I spent the entire day entertaining my kids....which I obviously love but could have done at home for free.

wiseoldcat · 03/12/2023 08:22

@Pastelpoppy At the end of the day if she's going to demand that your children are there then she needs to accept that children come with certain needs - i.e. being looked after. It's as simple as that.

KombuchaKalling · 03/12/2023 08:23

It’s her wedding and she can have it where she wants, why should you having 2 children change that. I can kind of see why she doesn’t want childcare of your children to be interfering with other guests enjoyment of the day e.g. your mother. I think the best solution if your husband looking after the pair of them. This is the nature of having children and sometimes you have to divide and conquer

ApintofwhatFarageishaving · 03/12/2023 08:24

Go on your own and have a nice break from worrying about the children

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2023 08:26

Definitely go on your own. It may be a nice break. The journey with dc of that age would be hell. We love travel but didn’t bother leaving England until dd2 a year away from school age. Too much effort.

Onelifeonly · 03/12/2023 08:34

No one is being unreasonable per se, they are just stating their preferences since you asked them. Primarily it's up to you, though your DH has a role too. If it were me, and I wanted my children at the wedding, I'd expect him to look after them there.

Whether it would be better for your DH to stay home with the children is a discussion for you as parents, and you only. Don't involve your sister, just let her know your decision.

We travelled with an ADHD child and one with acute anxiety over travelling regularly from when youngest was two, but we felt the ends (a nice holiday we all enjoyed) justified the means and we developed strategies to cope. It is possible but understandable if you don't want to do it for this one occasion.

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 03/12/2023 08:34

Your sister is being a to bridezilla.

She wants a small family wedding that includes your kids but doesn't want family to join in the care iso all eyes are on her.

She can't have it both ways.

Your DH suggestion is one solution . But why can't come and look after the kids there and then they can be around for bits of it.

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 03/12/2023 08:35

@Pastelpoppy You say DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding but she really won't care on the day as it will all be about her (as it should be!)

I would leave the kids with your DH and go on your own, you'll have an amazing time without the stress of looking after the kids. It would be a no brained for me!

GuitarGeorgina · 03/12/2023 08:38

Go on your own. You will enjoy it more and it will be less stressful for everyone else,

Scaredycatofrodents · 03/12/2023 08:38

UsingChangeofName · 03/12/2023 00:35

Obviously your dsis is the one being unreasonable here.

She knows you have a 4 yr old with ASD and a 7 month old, yet chose to have the wedding abroad.

She then asked you to help her out on the day, making what already seems like an impossible situation even less possible.
Then, when you and dh go over and above to make her unreasonable requests work, she then has the cheek to "tell you" you can't do that Hmm

It's not dh's sensible and helpful suggestion that is putting a downer on things, it is your sister's unreasonable requests.

Spot on.

YouAreMyCentreWhenISpinAway · 03/12/2023 08:43

Your DH is the one being U here. It is not his sister's wedding. He should take a step back and look after the DC on the day. Why can't he do it?

It's just one day. You don't have to do all the rest of the things. You can both look after them then.

I wouldn't be upset with my sister. That's how she wants to get married. She hasn't excluded any children, she has been fair.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 08:45

To be clear I want her to have exactly what she wants for her wedding

Bridezilla gone mad does not get to decree small children must travel across continents to be at her wedding but don’t get to have any childcare.

Once she has kids of her own she will understand the madness of this request, or maybe she’s stupid and never will - either way you leave your kids at home because her request is insane and stop fretting about it.

Mynewnameis · 03/12/2023 08:50

I'd go alone

JoyeuxNarwhal · 03/12/2023 08:53

Has mil looked after your dc for a whole day before? Had you actually asked her about it or just assumed it would be something she'd enjoy?

Your sis is being a bit bridezilla-ish about no attendees helping out with your dc. If you tell her that's your only option what would she say? Unless it's another sibling or your parents that you've asked, then I agree with her.

I can understand dh wanting to be in sole charge of the dc at home and therefore in a familiar calm environment rather than abroad after a long flight etc so he's NBU to suggest he remains at home with them if the mil/other relatives isn't an option.

And please tell me the 6 hour flight/1 hour drive isn't on the same day as the wedding?! You're absolutely setting your dd up to fail if it is and I think staying home would actually be in her best interests.

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