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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 03/12/2023 08:56

Does your sister understand about the autism and what that actually means?

Eg two NT children that age, bit difficult but manageable.

So if she doesn't actually understand, appreciate and accept your child needs then maybe she's not realising what is needed and that what she's asking is impossible.

You need to phone her and say that there are two choices, 1. You all come.as.planned but you think child will really struggle and may cause disruption or 2. Children don't come and stay at home with husband

Fingeronthebutton · 03/12/2023 08:57

Stop prevaricating. There is only one solution and that is that your husband stays at home. Once you make that decision you will feel much calmer.

greencheetah · 03/12/2023 09:01

Given your updates, I would definitely go alone.

RedHelenB · 03/12/2023 09:03

KnowledgeableMomma · 03/12/2023 00:23

DH has the right idea. If he is offering to stay home with both kids, this frees you up to go enjoy DDis's wedding and bridesmaid duties. DH does know his mother better and if he says she won't enjoy watching kids, I'd take his word for it. You family members will also be ready to enjoy the wedding and may not appreciate babysitting duties. It is DSis's wedding; she can have it when and where she chooses. Would it have been extra nice for her to accommodate every guest? Sure, but unlikely and very hard. Let this one go.

This. Go and enjoy the wedding

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:07

My DH was best man when my two autistic children were little. Granted we didn't have to go a flight with them but I managed to look after them by myself for most of the day. Yes it was hard, yes I did have to run after them a lot and pick them up all day but it was just one day - why can't DH do that?

Also, I don't know your particular DC, but I wish I had been brave enough to take my DC abroad before school. Now they're older and have extremely high needs and are much less flexible, I don't think we'll ever get them on a plane.

WowOK · 03/12/2023 09:09

Go on your own.

The kids attending doesn'benefit them in any way. It's in their best interests to stay home with daddy.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 09:13

My DH was best man when my two autistic children were little. Granted we didn't have to go a flight with them but I managed to look after them by myself for most of the day. Yes it was hard, yes I did have to run after them a lot and pick them up all day but it was just one day - why can't DH do that?

Why should he though just because Dsis “needs” 2 small children at her wedding? Much simpler and less stressful for the kids to stay at home with dad.

diddl · 03/12/2023 09:14

Is it a fab destination that would make a great holiday?

That's the only way I'd be considering us all going.

If not I'd be going alone or not at all if I couldn't be bothered with the journey.

Fernsfernsferns · 03/12/2023 09:14

@Pastelpoppy

talk to your sister. Tell her clearly this is going to be very tough especially for DC1 and so she has two choices:

  1. have you all there, and accept that your family will help make this possible
  2. just you come, DH and kids stay at home.

it sounds like she doesn’t understand that a new babysitter isn’t the same as close family helping (which is true for lots of kids not only those ND)

1 or 2 are absolutely fine, let her choose which

crumblingschools · 03/12/2023 09:19

What are the plans for the rest of the time there? Anyone who chooses a destination wedding is already being selfish and not really thinking about their guests. Is everyone having to go on a 6 hour flight to get there?

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 03/12/2023 09:19

Go on your own. Far too difficult to take your 2 young children, and really not worth it for them. If I was in your situation, there's no way I would take them.

StuartSheehyisBack · 03/12/2023 09:21

So the only solution your H can possibly come up with is "you go alone"? You have come up with ALL of the practical solutions and he can only think of that one?

Tell both him and your sister that they can come up with a solution. If H cant, then you all have to go and he sits outside during the ceremony with both kids- because that is what YOU want.

If your sister can't (or wont "I have SO MUCH else to do", which sadly hasnt stopped her interfering where she isnt needed) then tell her to butt out or you dont go.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 09:22

Just go on your own, I see where your sis is coming from, she wants her family to enjoy the wedding, not go off to do childcare. I’m sure she’d not have said it if the folks being roped in weren’t secretly unhappy about it.

you have a solution, you can’t have your cake and eat it. Go alone.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 09:25

StuartSheehyisBack · 03/12/2023 09:21

So the only solution your H can possibly come up with is "you go alone"? You have come up with ALL of the practical solutions and he can only think of that one?

Tell both him and your sister that they can come up with a solution. If H cant, then you all have to go and he sits outside during the ceremony with both kids- because that is what YOU want.

If your sister can't (or wont "I have SO MUCH else to do", which sadly hasnt stopped her interfering where she isnt needed) then tell her to butt out or you dont go.

But what is wrong with that as a solution, given that he's prepared to step up and look after the children? What benefit is there in making the children take a stressful plane journey to attend a wedding which they won't remember when that will cause everyone else stress? It's not just a matter of sitting outside during the ceremony, he would have to sit outside all day. Wouldn't the children be better off in their own familiar surroundings?

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:25

@Mirabai well, I might be projecting on this post a bit, and there's no right way to do this, but these days I can't take my disabled DC anywhere. They aren't in family occasion pictures, they aren't involved, they won't have those collective family memories. The window for including them in events like this was up to about age 5-6. Had I known this, I might have maximised it a bit more if it wasn't going to cause horrible distress.

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 09:25

DH is right - you go, and he stays with the children at home.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 09:27

ZenNudist · 03/12/2023 07:50

This. FGS unless there's a massive drip feed as to special needs why can't he parent a baby/toddler and a preschooler?

Show quote history

There's no drip feed about special needs, it's right there in the first post. He's perfectly prepared to parent them, in fact he's offering to do so, on the sensible basis that they stay at home.

Janieforever · 03/12/2023 09:28

UnpalatableButTrue · 03/12/2023 09:25

DH is right - you go, and he stays with the children at home.

Exactly no need for all this angst. Just say kids and husbands staying home. I will come and focus on bridesmaids duties.

olympicsrock · 03/12/2023 09:29

I think you have a bridezilla. Your plans to ask family or MIL to help were fine. If these aren’t happening then your options are

  1. kids stay at home with DH
  2. all go but resign as bridesmaid and just focus the trip around your little family of 4 and accept that you won’t be at all of the wedding.
PlaidCushionProductions · 03/12/2023 09:30

In reality you could have Mary Poppins to provide childcare and the kids will gravitate to the people they want.
All go and just wing it, your DH isn’t totally useless i’m guessing?

Coconutter24 · 03/12/2023 09:31

If DH has suggested he stay behind to look after the kids let him, you go and have a nice time. Your Dsis is being unreasonable to say no one in the family can help with childcare but your being unreasonable thinking she should have considered your situation.
If your sis wants you there whilst getting ready in the morning DH and kids stay in your hotel room, for the ceremony can the baby sit on someone’s lap and DH watch eldest? If there’s a meal would you both be sat with children together?

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 09:34

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:07

My DH was best man when my two autistic children were little. Granted we didn't have to go a flight with them but I managed to look after them by myself for most of the day. Yes it was hard, yes I did have to run after them a lot and pick them up all day but it was just one day - why can't DH do that?

Also, I don't know your particular DC, but I wish I had been brave enough to take my DC abroad before school. Now they're older and have extremely high needs and are much less flexible, I don't think we'll ever get them on a plane.

But who actually got anything out of that situation? Did anyone involved actually benefit from it or even enjoy it?

as ds has got older I have increasingly realised that’s it’s fine to say no to invites for things if it’s not going to work for him.

ColleenDonaghy · 03/12/2023 09:35

I think going alone would be best.

I would hate to do a long journey with my young (NT and well behaved, but, y'know, young!) DC. I would also hate to have a day of looking after them solo at a family wedding while DH was off being best man - strange place, not necessarily safe for the DC who's a bolter, kids likely jet lagged and bored. Ugh. Easier for everyone if they stay at home with all their stuff and their routines and you can relax and enjoy the wedding.

Spottywombat · 03/12/2023 09:37

I don't have DC but I'd get this as an issue.

TBH, everyone expecting you to shit miracles and be 100% there for everyone.

Then stopping you putting in reasonable accommodations for DC asd is beyond cfery.

I would feel guilty for years as I have a good dose of ND rejection sensitivity but the whole idea would send me into a massive meltdown and I'd refuse to go or be a bridesmaid as I just would not cope.

I'd then look like the massive drama queen.

Having had a lot of experience of managing my then un-dx ND, my rational brain would shut down and I'd either be physically sick, pass out, run away or throw the mother of all tantrums. None of these outcomes enhance a dream wedding.

Your DH not attending would be the least bad option.

You are being set up to fail and be the scapegoat when it does.

Reverse it...how about your sister thinks through what would make you being a bridemaid a fabulous experience?

She is being a shit sister.

DH has come up with the only workable compromise.

kweeble · 03/12/2023 09:39

That’s too far for you to take both children - I would leave them behind. Your sister can’t insist they go yet not let you have any support.