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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 03/12/2023 11:23

Nowherenew · 03/12/2023 11:05

Why can’t DH go with you?

He can look after DC1 and you can look after DC2?

Does DC1 need 2 people or can 1 person care for him?

As he’s only 4 I’d put reins on him so at least he won’t run off and put DC1 in a pram, so you’ve got an extra pair of hands if you need it.

Worst comes to worse, I’d have DH stay with them in the hotel room and just you go to the wedding, depending on how DS1 is coping.

You could ask a family member who isn’t as close to the bride/groom and aren’t directly involved to keep an eye on DC2 in the pram if DH needs to take DC1 away for a break.
I don’t think it’s fair to ask a family member who is close family or part of the wedding, as they will want to focus on the wedding and not be a babysitter.

I think all 4 of you can still plan to go but it may be necessary for DH to stay at the hotel with the DCs or leave the wedding half way through.

Have you actually read the OP?

OP is meant to be bridesmaid and from the sound of things Sis would not take it kindly if she tried to look after her own DC.

OP did ask other people to help look after the DCs and that's what Sis is stropping about.

Nowherenew · 03/12/2023 11:34

rookiemere · 03/12/2023 11:23

Have you actually read the OP?

OP is meant to be bridesmaid and from the sound of things Sis would not take it kindly if she tried to look after her own DC.

OP did ask other people to help look after the DCs and that's what Sis is stropping about.

Show quote history

Yes I have.

OP being a bridesmaid isn’t going to impact the DH that much.

He can stay in the hotel room whilst OP is at her sisters helping her get ready.

Then depending on how DC1 is coping, DH can either stay in the hotel room or go to the wedding with DC1 with reins and DC2 in the pram.
If OP is going with him then she can push the pram to the venue.

He can sit at the wedding and keep the kids entertained for the few minutes OP is busy.
If he needs to leave then he can.

The wedding is unlikely to cause a problem.

The flight is going to be the trickiest but if they take 1 child each then it’s going to be much easier.
Most DC will happily sit in front of a screen for hours and so I’d bring snacks and an iPad with films and games on.

Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:36

To add further fuel to the fire, I’ve now mentioned to my immediate family that it might be a good idea that DC stay at home so I can focus on the wedding. They are all horrified and well pretty furious with me for even suggesting that. They all adore DC1 and think it will be a positive experience for them. I have told them they are being unreasonable but I can now see this turning into a big argument which is the last thing I wanted. I haven’t even mentioned it to the bride yet.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 03/12/2023 11:44

How many young children actually enjoy weddings, especially if they include many hours of travel there and back. No other children to play with, nowhere to play. What bit of it do they actually like?

diddl · 03/12/2023 11:46

How often do "immediate family" see your kids?

I mean if it's not often I can see their point but if it's fairly regular...

It's really about you & what works for you as a family.

Nowherenew · 03/12/2023 11:48

OP is it the flight or wedding you’re worried about?

If it’s the flight then I’d leave them at home.

If it’s the wedding I’d take them but prepare to have DH stay with them in the hotel.

Has the plan changed?
I’m wondering why it’s an issue now and it wasn’t when you booked the accommodation etc.

sugarrosepetal · 03/12/2023 11:50

If they are so concerned about them being there, then they can either help out or shut up.

skyeisthelimit · 03/12/2023 11:50

Did the family members complain to your sister about being asked to help?

If she told them not to help, why are they now complaining that the DC aren't going?

None of this makes sense.

If they want them to go then they need to help you, if that is what you asked.

Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:53

diddl · 03/12/2023 11:46

How often do "immediate family" see your kids?

I mean if it's not often I can see their point but if it's fairly regular...

It's really about you & what works for you as a family.

They see them all the time. We all live close to each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:55

Nowherenew · 03/12/2023 11:48

OP is it the flight or wedding you’re worried about?

If it’s the flight then I’d leave them at home.

If it’s the wedding I’d take them but prepare to have DH stay with them in the hotel.

Has the plan changed?
I’m wondering why it’s an issue now and it wasn’t when you booked the accommodation etc.

This has always been a worry for me ever since it was arranged, however I thought we could get through it with a bit of assistance from the family. It was when I was told this wasn’t allowed that I started to really panic. I’m worried about both flight and wedding and mostly managing DC1’s needs throughout.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:58

skyeisthelimit · 03/12/2023 11:50

Did the family members complain to your sister about being asked to help?

If she told them not to help, why are they now complaining that the DC aren't going?

None of this makes sense.

If they want them to go then they need to help you, if that is what you asked.

I highly doubt they complained. Dsis has been known to make difficult and unrealistic demands regularly so this isn’t really surprising.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/12/2023 12:00

Then they have a choice don’t they? Either everyone pitches in to help or the children stay at home. There isn’t a middle ground where they come and you don’t get help so which would they rather?

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 12:05

Don’t involve extended family, you will never find an answer that suits everyone.

talk to your husband, agree with him what’s the best approach and then tell the rest what is happening.

Maxiedog123 · 03/12/2023 12:05

I had a similar situation, family wedding, with 2 young children one with ASD.
I went by.myself.
Taking a 4 year old with ASD on a 6 hour flight to an unfamiliar place, with little for him to do, and family forbidden by your sister from helping sounds to me like a nightmare, especially for your son

Nowherenew · 03/12/2023 12:07

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:55

This has always been a worry for me ever since it was arranged, however I thought we could get through it with a bit of assistance from the family. It was when I was told this wasn’t allowed that I started to really panic. I’m worried about both flight and wedding and mostly managing DC1’s needs throughout.

Show quote history

Are you travelling on the same plane as your family members?

I’m sure they will help you out on the flight, as this has no impact on the wedding at all.

I understand not expecting family members to help with childcare, as that is a bit much to ask.

But I’m sure if DC1 starts acting up, then DH can remove him and ask the person next to him to keep an eye on DC2 or just take them both and meet you after the wedding.

I would ask that DH and DCs are seated at the back, so they can make a quick exit if needed.

How long will you need to be away from the DC whilst doing bridesmaids duties?

TheBeef · 03/12/2023 12:20

zingally · 03/12/2023 11:15

It sounds like your DH is offering the perfect solution! Why is that upsetting?! You get to go to the wedding, enjoy yourself completely, focus on the events happening, safe in the thought that the children are being well looked after in their familiar environment.
Seems like a complete no-brainer to me!

Yab a bit U

Make your own arrangements for your DC at the wedding. Your DH has the prefect solution already. Play it by ear on the day.

Your family are on holiday, up to them if they want to.help. If you live close to your family, are used to a lot of help?

Your priority must be to your young DC. Your dsis probably feels like you are making her wedding about you and that you are bringing the drama. Tbf, you are bringing your whole family into the situation.

Beautiful3 · 03/12/2023 12:23

Honestly I think your husbands idea is a great one. Go alone and enjoy it. You will be stress free, able to drink and converse without constantly checking on the children.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 03/12/2023 12:32

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:36

To add further fuel to the fire, I’ve now mentioned to my immediate family that it might be a good idea that DC stay at home so I can focus on the wedding. They are all horrified and well pretty furious with me for even suggesting that. They all adore DC1 and think it will be a positive experience for them. I have told them they are being unreasonable but I can now see this turning into a big argument which is the last thing I wanted. I haven’t even mentioned it to the bride yet.

So when they were furious with you and you explained it was because dsis had said family can't help you out with your dc, what did they say?

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/12/2023 12:40

@Pastelpoppy Just go on your own op!

kids can stay home with their usual routine and you can really enjoy the wedding and let your hair down!

everyone’s a winner!

Ohtobetwentytwo · 03/12/2023 12:42

Your sister has invited you, and by extension your DH.

DH has said he is fine to do childcare at home to facilitate you going.

Now, I know what you want is to go with all your family, but that isnt the option on the table. You can feel as resentful ass you like about that. But dragging your kids to another country and asking DH to be switched on all day to be primary carer just to hold your hand isnt the most practical option. He can do it at home with MIL dipping in and out with far more home comforts for them all.

The idea that you cant enjoy yourself alone is a bit of a nonsense and sounds codependent. Of course you can enjoy a peaceful hotel and quality time with your family, knowing DH and your kids are safe and happier at home.

I know it's not what you want to hear but the wedding is not about you and your family. Everyone else, sister and DH and kids included, seem happy with this option. It's just not what you want.

Mikimoto · 03/12/2023 12:45

Could you all go to destination as a family holiday and DH brings the kids in for a couple of hours to "main" wedding bit?

Silvers11 · 03/12/2023 12:48

JoyeuxNarwhal · 03/12/2023 12:32

So when they were furious with you and you explained it was because dsis had said family can't help you out with your dc, what did they say?

Show quote history

This ^^^

@Pastelpoppy I can't believe ALL your family members are as selfish as your DSis!

HisNibs · 03/12/2023 13:00

Sounds to me that DH doesn't like DSis very much and since he's probably having to take time off work for this wedding anyway, he'll have it on his terms and save money on the flights. Can't blame him one bit.

daliesque · 03/12/2023 13:10

HisNibs · 03/12/2023 13:00

Sounds to me that DH doesn't like DSis very much and since he's probably having to take time off work for this wedding anyway, he'll have it on his terms and save money on the flights. Can't blame him one bit.

It also doesn't sound like her own sister likes her much either. Hopefully the bride and groom will decide to not bother with all the drama her sister is causing and elope.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 13:15

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 11:36

To add further fuel to the fire, I’ve now mentioned to my immediate family that it might be a good idea that DC stay at home so I can focus on the wedding. They are all horrified and well pretty furious with me for even suggesting that. They all adore DC1 and think it will be a positive experience for them. I have told them they are being unreasonable but I can now see this turning into a big argument which is the last thing I wanted. I haven’t even mentioned it to the bride yet.

Do they fully understand ASD kids’ needs? I would never have an opinion as to what kind experience an ASD kid that wasn’t mine own would have. That’s for the parents to judge.

Have they understood that Dsis has banned them from helping with childcare?