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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding in a month, who is being unreasonable?

221 replies

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 00:12

Sorry for this long post but I’m hoping I can get advice on who is being unreasonable in this situation.
I posted a while back about my sisters wedding and what to do about my child who has asd and the difficulty with them attending.
The wedding is a month away and I am a bridesmaid, which I was extremely excited about at first. I have two children, one is 4 with add and 1 who is 7 months.
DSis loves both children so much and can’t wait for them to be at her wedding.
The issue is that the wedding is abroad and there will be a long flight. DC1 can be quite a handful and needs an eye on them all the time plus has a tendency to run off. I have had a lot of anxiety about the trip and managing childcare plus my bridesmaid duties.
I had asked a couple of family members to help us out on different points of the trip to make it a bit easier. DSis has heard about this and has said absolutely not and has suggested to us that we find alternative help with childcare so that family members don’t miss out on any of the wedding celebrations.
I had already thought to pay for DH Mum to come with us and that would provide a bit of assistance.
The thing is DH has said he’s unhappy about his Mum being used for childcare and that it will be too much for her. I was thinking she could help out with DC2 to free up DH so he can focus on DC1. I was hoping MIL could feed, change and make sure DC2 takes their regular naps in pushchair throughout wedding day. DH says this is unfair on her and will be too much. I thought she might enjoy this time with her grandchild but DH obviously knows her better than me.
DH would like me to go to the wedding alone and he will look after the kids while I’m away. I know this will put a huge downer on Dsis wedding day and going alone just really upsets me.

I am feeling more and more bitter and negative about this wedding. I feel like my DSis should have considered my situation more if she wanted this wedding so far away and wanted us all to be there. I’m really annoyed she has also said our family cannot help out with my children.
So I’m wondering who is the unreasonable one in this situation, Me, DH or DSis?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 03/12/2023 09:41

I think that your h’s suggestion is the most reasonable. It will be best for dc1 and h to stay. He’s also best judge of the idea of taking MIL. She might be one of those people who say yes out of politeness then secretly struggle.

Your sister is being unreasonable dictating what people can or cannot do. If family members can and want to help then it’s up yo them and she’s being a bridezilla to think that looking after your kids for parts if the day will stop them from enjoying the wedding.

I would go alone and enjoy the event. If your sister has a problem with the kids and your h not attending then rise above it and know that you prioritised them and attended the wedding which is best for the majority.

If you really feel unable to attend alone then resign as bridesmaid so you can look after dc1 yourself. I think that this is the second best option as you are making things harder on dc1, dc2 and your h but I don’t know your family dynamics.

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:44

Sirzy · 03/12/2023 09:34

But who actually got anything out of that situation? Did anyone involved actually benefit from it or even enjoy it?

as ds has got older I have increasingly realised that’s it’s fine to say no to invites for things if it’s not going to work for him.

Show quote history

@Sirzy well I benefited because I got to see my friends get married rather than stay at home with the kids. The DC were totally fussed over and one had a great time. We got beautiful pics of them at their godfather's wedding which we can look back on when they're older (like with any child).

It was hard, but in my opinion worth it.

There are additional considerations for doing this abroad though - in our case if it had started to go tits up, we could have just abandoned and driven the 5 hours back home.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 09:45

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:25

@Mirabai well, I might be projecting on this post a bit, and there's no right way to do this, but these days I can't take my disabled DC anywhere. They aren't in family occasion pictures, they aren't involved, they won't have those collective family memories. The window for including them in events like this was up to about age 5-6. Had I known this, I might have maximised it a bit more if it wasn't going to cause horrible distress.

You’d take ASD kids abroad for pictures? It would have caused “horrible distress” yet you’re saying is that you wish you’d taken them abroad when they were small so their distress would have been easier to deal with and they would have been too young articulate it. What would they have got out of any of it? They would only end up with very hazy memories of anything before 5 or 6 anyway. This is all about you not them.

zurala · 03/12/2023 09:46

Pastelpoppy · 03/12/2023 01:19

Will become overwhelmed and overstimulated with being in a busy new environment, will try to run off, won’t sit down when told to and most likely will have meltdowns. Also won’t manage well with the flight.

Show quote history

Put your child first and go alone. Your sister is going to have to accept the consequences on her decision to marry abroad. But you need to put your child first.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 09:48

well I benefited because I got to see my friends get married rather than stay at home with the kids.

You benefitted, quite. I don’t see how it helped the kids. You actually made the right decision at the time.

Birdcar · 03/12/2023 09:49

You need to go by yourself.

AgentJohnson · 03/12/2023 09:50

Your DH has offered the most sensible and logical solution. Roping in MIL because your Sis doesn’t want other family members involved in childcare is ridiculous. Your child’s additional needs would make the whole trip very challenging for everyone involved including them.

It appears you don’t want to be firm with your sister, which is your choice but expecting others to bend over backwards to accommodate her demands, is a step too far.

Enjoy your sister’s wedding child free!!!!

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:51

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 09:45

You’d take ASD kids abroad for pictures? It would have caused “horrible distress” yet you’re saying is that you wish you’d taken them abroad when they were small so their distress would have been easier to deal with and they would have been too young articulate it. What would they have got out of any of it? They would only end up with very hazy memories of anything before 5 or 6 anyway. This is all about you not them.

Show quote history

That is not how I said it, and you know it.

I said if it wouldn't cause horrible distress.

It's about being part of extended family life, celebration, memories, collective experience if they can cope with it. These days my children can't cope with it, so they don't go.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 03/12/2023 09:51

So your DH is going, he can look after the 4 year old, I’m sure there will be plenty of help for the baby regardless of what your sister says, so what’s the problem?
Whilst brides can obviously have whatever wedding they want, they need to understand that the logistics for some people may be difficult.
My DS married in my DDIL’s home country, they completely understood that some family members would decline the invitation for whatever reason, it was no big deal at all.

dapsnotplimsolls · 03/12/2023 09:52

After reading all your updates, I think it's best that you go alone. DSIS will have to live with it.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 03/12/2023 09:55

There are many factors of how wrong this is. Your sister knows of your situation with the kids . I’d just cancel or just go on your own .

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 09:58

OP - what would you want to do for you and your kids if the other adults' demands were taken out of the equation?

Aimvs123 · 03/12/2023 09:58

This is hard , I see everyone’s perspective - I do think your sister is being quite difficult though, you came up with a solution and she’s dismissed it.
I feel for you because you’re not going to be able to make everyone happy - including yourself to be honest . I would hate to go to a wedding without my family but it sounds like overall it will be easier as the flight is so far.
Also I feel like you’re being quite unsupported by your husband . He could really try and help out so you don’t have to go alone ie allow his mother to come, offer to step up more on the day , try to reassure you etc.

PercyPigsInBlankets · 03/12/2023 10:03

Sounds like there are three options:

  • All of you go, you’re bridesmaid, family help.
  • All of you go but you’re not bridesmaid as you have no help
  • You go alone and are bridesmaid.

Why not just spell these options out and ask your sister to choose? She can’t have it all here, unless she’s willing to pay for a nanny for you. Which is going to be a difficult sell, as a one off job in (judging by the flight time) a Middle Eastern or West African country.

Charley50 · 03/12/2023 10:04

Unless this would also potentially be a nice family holiday on the other days I would go alone. Even with NT children, 2 6 hour flights for 4 days away would be a palavar, Although I don't know how or why your sister was involved in saying an aunt can't hold a baby!

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 10:07

It's about being part of extended family life, celebration, memories, collective experience if they can cope with it. These days my children can't cope with it, so they don't go.

If they can’t cope with it now they wouldn’t have been able to cope with it when they were younger either, they just would have been smaller easier to manage and less able to object.

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 10:13

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 10:07

It's about being part of extended family life, celebration, memories, collective experience if they can cope with it. These days my children can't cope with it, so they don't go.

If they can’t cope with it now they wouldn’t have been able to cope with it when they were younger either, they just would have been smaller easier to manage and less able to object.

Well I don't think that's true and only one of us knows my DC.

You could get a diagnosis at 3 and then take absolutely no risks forever with autistic kids, never take them noisy places, never travel, never change routine. Or, you could look to the cues of your particular child at the time and take informed decisions knowing sometimes you'll get it wrong.

People's (particularly young children's) needs change over time.

Russooooo · 03/12/2023 10:19

It sounds like this won’t be any fun for any of you - particularly DS - if you all go. Could you take baby with you (with aunt holding her during service) and leave DS with DH at home?

Alternatively, all go on the trip, but DH and DS sit out the wedding part? Maybe pop into the evening party, but avoid the demands of the rest of the day?

I’m not suggesting that to exclude DS, btw, but because it would be better for him to be somewhere where he feels secure and happy.

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 10:26

Well I don't think that's true and only one of us knows my DC.

By your own account you cannot take then abroad now. What would have been so different when they were smaller?

You do not know how they would have coped with going abroad and you do not know that it would have been any different to current issues. You may have tried it once and never done it again.

Ellmau · 03/12/2023 10:28

it was my parents, other sibling and uncle and Aunt who had said they would help out.

I thought it might be your parents. As parents of the bride they're really more important to the wedding party than you.

Was there a reason your DH couldn't care for the children AT the wedding rather than staying home to do so?

JustSettleOnAUsername · 03/12/2023 10:46

Mirabai · 03/12/2023 10:26

Well I don't think that's true and only one of us knows my DC.

By your own account you cannot take then abroad now. What would have been so different when they were smaller?

You do not know how they would have coped with going abroad and you do not know that it would have been any different to current issues. You may have tried it once and never done it again.

They were a lot more flexible and both enjoyed novelty a lot more when they were little (only the one with ADHD does now). Their sensory profiles have changed quite significantly, as have their interests.

Anyway, this has become a massive derailment. You are correct that I might have only done it once and never again, I have lots of incidences of this kind of misjudgement, but I also have lots of examples where I've said 'they'll never cope with that' and they've turned out to really enjoy something.

Ultimately the OP knows her DS best and I gave my view as someone who has been in a similar situation. No one can know for sure if she takes the kids whether they'll all have a lovely family holiday and special occasion or whether it will not work out like that. All OP can do is try to make an informed decision.

Bernardmanning · 03/12/2023 11:02

Honestly, I think that you are overthinking this. Your duties as bridesmaid will be short and confined to the service and a few photos. I don't think that family members (presumably your parents) should babysit if it means them missing out. Other guests and family can all pitch in during the day and help out. For example, someone can hold your baby during the church service so that DH can watch your son. If your DH needs to escape with either one or both of them, then fine. Your sister won't notice. I think that you just need to stop worrying about it and planning for the unplanned. Your DS obviously doesn't mind a bit of chaos, otherwise she wouldn't want both children there. If your DH is able to look after both children at home for a weekend on his own, I'm sure that he will be able to manage with both children for short periods of time, whilst surrounded by other guests and family members on the day. I really think that you are anxious about your baby and child causing a disruption, but your sister seems reasonably relaxed about having them there. I had lots of children and babies at my wedding including one with autism and it was a wonderful experience. I was just happy to have them all there.

Nowherenew · 03/12/2023 11:05

Why can’t DH go with you?

He can look after DC1 and you can look after DC2?

Does DC1 need 2 people or can 1 person care for him?

As he’s only 4 I’d put reins on him so at least he won’t run off and put DC1 in a pram, so you’ve got an extra pair of hands if you need it.

Worst comes to worse, I’d have DH stay with them in the hotel room and just you go to the wedding, depending on how DS1 is coping.

You could ask a family member who isn’t as close to the bride/groom and aren’t directly involved to keep an eye on DC2 in the pram if DH needs to take DC1 away for a break.
I don’t think it’s fair to ask a family member who is close family or part of the wedding, as they will want to focus on the wedding and not be a babysitter.

I think all 4 of you can still plan to go but it may be necessary for DH to stay at the hotel with the DCs or leave the wedding half way through.

zingally · 03/12/2023 11:15

It sounds like your DH is offering the perfect solution! Why is that upsetting?! You get to go to the wedding, enjoy yourself completely, focus on the events happening, safe in the thought that the children are being well looked after in their familiar environment.
Seems like a complete no-brainer to me!

supersop60 · 03/12/2023 11:22

Anyone who books a destination wedding needs to understand that there will be challenges for guests.
OP - do whatever is easiest for you. Your dsis wouldn't be happy with your DC1 running around causing chaos, and wouldn't understand the stress that causes you.
Go by yourself and have a great time!