Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

[Adayofreadinginbed]

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree?
For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance.
I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

Yes I once met a 'friend' at a baby class. I invited her out for a coffee and play date with the kids. I was really surprised when her bf, whom I had never met, showed up to the play date.
She seemed nice so I tried again a second time with a play date and he turned up again!
The dynamic was so strange and he spent the full time talking over us and making the conversation all about him. He then went on to judge me for putting my baby in nursery when I was due to return to work as he "could never leave his baby to be raised by strangers"
It's safe to say there wasn't a third play date.

My worst is when ALL parents, dads and mums, turn up and STAY with their kids at my child's birthday party. I said you can drop and return! Or not, fair enough if you don't know me that well and would rather stay, or your kid would rather you did, but just ONE of you is plenty! Had this at my daughter's 6th and 7th party - ffs I did not budget food for 10 adults and I don't have time to sit and host you, I'm running a party!

The dads ate all the cocktail sausages from the party tea and DH went on a booze run because he can't socialise without wine 😳

I expect it'll be the same next year. Whyyyyy won't they just fuck off and come back in 2 hours! I seem to be the weird one amongst mum peers, I never go if I can help it and would absolutely not go if I could get DH to do it!

Why would anyone stay at a kids’ birthday party when they can drop and return? I mean, WHY????

Oh I HATE this! You organise a ladies lunch out and one brings her “hubby” along. “It’s ok if Nigel joins us?” - no one is ever gonna say no are they. So selfish and really changes the dynamic. I’m also suspicious of blokes who never want to leave their wives side or want to get in on what her mates are talking about.

I agree with this. I prefer couples get togethers with kids for the sheer fact that it doubles the pairs of hands of for kid wrangling and you can actually talk to people.

I think some people are just different. I always like hanging out with men and I would find a women only thing pretty strange. I don't think it's wrong though. Just different people having different preferences.

I don’t mind if I’m going to a friend’s house and her husband hangs around - it’s his home after all- as long as he’s not being a miserable fucker. I had a friend with an AWFUL husband who’d sit in the kitchen (despite them having 2 reception rooms) on his phone while we charged and he would fucking shush us! Or tell us how boring it was what we were talking about. My friend just nervously giggled. There’s a reason we are no longer friends - she acknowledges her husband is a shit, goes on about little else, but point blank refuses to do anything about it and I can’t maintain a friendship like that.

It’s more like when it was supposed to be a girls lunch/night and then morphes into a couple asking if they can bring their other halves and then it becomes that-a different thing

The playground thing I just simply don’t get

It’s not a sex thing at all though. Could be a male friend a woman has, bringing his wife to everything would be equally weird. If I ask to see a friend of either sex I don’t expect to be third wheeling a couple without knowing that’s what I’m doing, tbh. Different entirely if it’s a couples thing and you also take your other half, all of you take your kids etc - isn’t it obvious OP didn’t mean that situation though?

Agree! Most of my groups of friends are mixed sex. It was single sex on maternity leave with NCT friends, and then it was only for 6m or so. Sometimes I go out with all women, but that’s quite rare.

But, if I had asked someone out specifically, I wouldn’t expect them to bring their partner. I’d feel a complete third wheel either sex!!

Im on my own. Every year I used to do a birthday and Christmas gathering (I've moved away now so don't anymore). I'd invite ten or so female friends, as they would usually love an evening away from their families and an opportunity to just be with 'the girls'. Inevitably one would ask 'husbands too'? And it was always no.
For one thing I'm not going to have 16-18 people around, and I'm not going to be the only one without a partner! But each to their own. I have a close friend who would often miss a coffee meet up because 'I'm having breakfast with my boys'. The fact she had breakfast with them every other day too just made me think we (the wider group of mum friends) weren't a priority for her, which is of course totally fine. I value my females friends and want to keep up with them - as I'm now a widow I know exactly their value. But that's not how everyone feels.

@mondaytosunday Yes, I always wonder about the one (usually the same person) or two people who always ask…why? I just have this feeling that it can’t be completely because they just really really want them there…it’s more about the man I think…either controlling maybe or she feels sorry/bad as he doesn’t have much of a life? I don’t know

Same sex or not, if a get together is specifically a ‘no partners’ event, then people should honour that or not go.
it infuriates me that some people can’t have a piss without taking their other half along.

Why?

I like women better than men.

Any man I tried to be friends with ended up trying it on with me out the blue and I’ve given up on male friendships now.

I just wonder if it’s them wanting/needing their man there every time…which tbh I also find a bit odd or if it’s the guy and there’s something going on there

If it's the same people on a regular basis, I think it could be a mixture of several factors OP

• same-person-itis where some people think them and their partner are one person
• weirdly codependent relationship
• partner with limited interests of their own so feels the need to pathetically tag along wherever their partner goes
• abusive/controlling partner

This might get me flamed, but I'm willing to bet that in a lot of situations where a spouse trails along to every meet/a spouse shares everything their friends say because "we don't keep secrets" it's the male partner tagging along to female gatherings and female partners oversharing. I don't think many wives tag along to male friendship group meets, and I doubt many husbands tell their wives everything going on in their friends' private lives.

You ask if they’re controlling? It was the other way round with a woman I knew. I realised she had some odd views. She was also vegetarian (not odd) but insisted that her husband, son and dog should be too (very odd). She dragged her husband along to everything: I suspect she didn’t like him having time alone. She also brought her dog everywhere, even into playgrounds where dogs weren’t allowed. That’s what caused me to cut her off in the end.

So if a man goes to events and the female partner is always there is she controlling or just it just work one way?

I go with the people at the event, I will never ever take my husband to my book event as he is not a book person, he does read but doesn't 'get' books and book talk, but he had gone to other things

To me it is not a male female thing but needs to be part of that thing to go

I always think people like this are
A. So self absorbed they think that just because they love their DH and want to be around him all the time, that everyone else does
B. Their DH can't occupy himself so tags along like a spare part, oblivious to everyone else
C. The relationship is controlling

It's a hell no from me. My friends husbands are normal, pleasant people but I didn't marry them. They can make their own entertainment.

Luckily my wee friendship group is very much on the same page on this.

My dad and step mum share an email address, they simply don't consider themselves to be separate entities. Each to their own but I find it beyond suffocating.

I must admit that playground meet ups never seemed like a female friends only thing for us. If this is a weekend afternoon type thing then I’d tend not to regard it as a socialising with friends thing

I'd reply something like "I didn't realise he thought so much of me, I'll get in touch with him to arrange a one to one catch up so he can still wish me happy birthday"

I always assume there is some abusive control thing going on.

What I can't understand is (if it's not an abuse/control issue) WHY the men don't feel like idiots or embarrassed or out of place amongst a group of women?

Mine would die rather than sit with a gang of girls all chatting about well, you know the things women chat about mostly! Unless it's a mixed group he loves the free few hours to do his own thing.

I really can't understand how male "infiltrators" don't feel bloody awkward! What am I missing?

@lesdeluges Yes exactly! The one partner in particular I think just loves to be around all the women maybe? He also forever putting his wife down (a very lovely woman indeed)