Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

[Adayofreadinginbed]

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree?
For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance.
I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

I don't think it's necessarily a controlling man, some women are just not confident going out on their "own" especially if they've been with their OH a long time and are used to only ever doing stuff with him. Not taking about myself btw but this can be the case, as a PP already said about themselves.

Maybe some women enjoy spending time with their partners. You really are a miserable lot.

It’s not about being single sex - if something was an event for close friends only like a dinner or even a coffee I wouldn’t expect partners to be there, regardless of the sex if the friends or their partners. If it’s a bigger event like a birthday party then fine. You can enjoy your partner’s company but also retain your autonomy as a person and enjoy time with other people too. It’s quite tragic imo if someone can’t cope without their partner there or feels less enjoyment without them. Friends are important.

Why on earth would they? I've been in social groups which are all women and one man, and I've also been in social groups where I'm the only woman with a bunch of men, and it's basically the same? Almost every topic under the sun can be discussed by both men and women. DP is also perfectly capable of socialising with women, even multiple women at once. It's fairly standard.

I don't understand "girls'/lads' nights out" single-sex socialising at all, I assume the conversation at such events must be horrendously basic and I'm thankful all of my social groups are happily mixed in terms of genders and sexualities.

DP and I are capable of socialising without each other obviously but more often than not will go to parties, drinks, events together. It's because most of my friends have become his friends over a 10-year relationship, and vice versa too - it's bonkers to keep your friends separate from your partner imo. And we also enjoy hanging out with each other too.

I've had two friends do this. The first I almost stopped meeting up with because I loathed her husband so much. I started arranging to meet her when I knew he was already out. It turned out he was abusive. (She's escaped now)

The other has genuinely no idea that she and her husband aren't interchangeable in social situations. As far as she is concerned they're both our friends, so it wouldn't make any difference. I do like her husband but it does change the dynamic, so if I specifically want just her I say so. Much easier. I don't say anything against him though! I just phrase it as missing chatting with her personally.

You can enjoy spending time with your partners without being with them ALL THE TIME.
I love meeting my girlfriends for coffees and meals, and my husband loves the peace and quiet and time to himself. I also love when he’s gone out with his mates? My son is in bed and I can watch crap on tv and eat whatever I fancy. Time to yourself is amazing and time with just your mates is as well.

Controlling, abusive relationships. Wife not allowed to meet anyone or go anywhere without him. Simple.

Or possibly the DH doesn't trust the friends.

I think people like this lack emotional intelligence.

Think of the poster above who was widowed and invited her girlfriends round, only to be asked if they could bring their partners. In what world would she want that?

I agree people who bring their partners to single sex meet ups are the kind who tell their partners absolutely everything - including very private things they've been told by their friends. "Not having secrets" is a disgraceful reason for talking about your friends' confidences. There is no way your friend would have told you those things if she'd known your husband would hear about it, too.

I have a friend like this. We did end up telling her that this is for us friends, so leave Billy at home. She was offended at first, and assumed it meant we didn't like Billy. We just pointed out that he's her husband, not ours. Ours are at home, not being limpets on a "friends' night out". She's been with him since she was 18. I don't think she knew how to do anything without him, and felt guilty enjoying herself without him.

Anyway, he gets left at home now unless it's a meetup where partners are welcome.

They are the couples you see doing the weekly food shop together or whole family en masse even though they both drive. Some couples just really cant comprehend not doing everything together

If that's the case thecatsthecats why not leave partner at home to wrangle the children so you can talk to people?

I'd take my DH as he'd look after and entertain the DC. I could then catch up with my friend without having constant interruptions from the DC. She would bring her DH when available so I don't think she minded.

Have you tried being clear? In my group of childhood friends, we all know each other's DPs/DHs, but we plan specific catch-ups for just our original friend group, others including all partners, and some where it's just whoever's free. We're always clear about which occasions are which.
DP's friends always include me when they meet up - but most of his friends live in different areas to where we live, so we usually visit together and although I'd happily entertain myself while they caught up, they'd find that strange.
For a planned catch-up that has a specific context, eg yearly meetup with close friends or a 'girls night out', YANBU, but if this is your attitude towards any meetup, eg a casual get together of parents of kids in the same class, YABU.

To me there's no difference in the dynamic between 'mums of kids in same class' and 'mums of kids in the same class, plus a few dads', but 'mums who have become good friends, plus a few dads who don't know the group' is a different dynamic.

This is one thing that really annoys me.

It completely changes the dynamic.

Sometimes the person can’t seem to go anywhere without their DP, and they rely on them like a child would with a parent.
They are very co-dependant.

Or the partner is controlling.

Quite often it’s a bit of both.

I would be embarrassed bringing my partner and I’d be embarrassed about tagging along if I was the partner.

I wonder why they don’t see how weird it is.

Definitely not being unreasonable about girls lunches/nights out but I would bloody love it if DH came to a play date at the weekend where he could take on the bulk of entertaining/wrangling the kids so I could actually have a hot coffee and a chat to another mum. This will probably change as they get older but at the ages they are (2 & 6 months) it’s hard going and a second pair of hands is always welcomed.

It annoys me too. I’ve got a group of friends who I meet up with a couple of times a month. Three of us are single, two have partners. Whenever we make plans, one friend always brings her partner. He’s a pain in the arse who thinks he’s really amusing but is actually just unpleasant and rude. Plus he is very restrictive in what he’ll eat so we end up with a huge list of places he won’t go to.

I know it sounds really mean but we’ve stopped inviting her out with us as we’re fed up with pandering to him.

I have the opposite problem, I'm in a same sex relationship. Very often my wife is invited along to girls nights, no other partners are. I find that quite annoying lol.

I'm single so although I'm happy to gooseberry at times, sometimes I just want a girls night. I'm also happy with a 'mixed' night of just friends, no couples. Luckily, all of my friends are happy to leave partners at home.

Yep I completely agree!

I got pregnant and decided to get an abortion.
Due to health reasons it was a very emotional time and i confided in my best friend - I didn’t realise she was go and immediately tell her DH everything (apparently they tell each other everything which I didn’t know else wouldn’t have told her).

He then told other people about it and she said she felt bad and apologised and said she’d like to come to the clinic with me, so I didn’t have to go alone etc and I had done the same for her in the past, which I thought was really kind of her.

She turned up and had brought her DH along to come with me to get an abortion!

We fell out over it obviously.

Why not just leave your kids at home with him?

Or take the kids and entertain them yourself?

Why would you bring your DH when you’re going to catch up with your friend?
That’s so weird.

If her DH is free, then invite them both.
If he’s not then tell yours to stay at home.

Unless my DH is specifically invited, then he doesn't come with me, likewise if he's seeing his mates etc.
@Fluffyowls why can't your DH look after the kids at home?

Not your problem!

Or men hanging around outside female changing rooms waiting for their partners, or lingering in lingerie, that annoys me

Why on earth would they? I've been in social groups which are all women and one man, and I've also been in social groups where I'm the only woman with a bunch of men, and it's basically the same? Almost every topic under the sun can be discussed by both men and women. DP is also perfectly capable of socialising with women, even multiple women at once. It's fairly standard.

Can you really not see the difference between:

• a group of friends who happen to be mixed sex
• a group of friends, who happen to be same sex, and then Sandra's hubby because for some reason Nigel needs to tag along to everything

I have mixed sex friends, as does DH. Neither of us are so needy/controlling/boring and lacking our own interests that we need to tag along like a lost puppy when the other goes to meet their friends.

But when you go out without your kids?

I have female friends I see without husbands and then sometimes we get together with them

But my main friendship is with the women

Two totally different dynamics