Page 7 | Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

Adayofreadinginbed · 2023-11-29T22:06:46+00:00

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree? For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance. I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

Fionaville · 01/12/2023 11:12

I don't have the option because all of my 'night out' friends are either single or just want a 'girls nights out' I much prefer a night out when DH and the other men come. I just have a better time and feel like I can let my hair down more. But no way he'd come if everyone didn't have a partner with them and it wasn't a couples night.
And he doesn't come to play date type meet ups, for the same reason.

scottishGirl · 01/12/2023 18:08

Does he have his own friends? Maybe she's hoping he will make friends with your friends partners/husbands if he doesn't?

Aquarius1234 · 01/12/2023 20:49

Are the men that go to these coffee/ cake/ Park meet ups, just like the male with dark curly hair in Motherland???

74Violette · 01/12/2023 21:21

It is incredibly annoying when one out of the group insists on bringing 'hubby' to inappropriate events, like girls night or the staff-only Christmas Meal. When I've pressed for a reason it's been "We never do anything apart, it would be weird to go out separately", "Poor Nigel, he'll be on his own ... What will he do!?" (I dunno, can he not watch the tv, read a damn book) ... to the more honest "It will just cause an argument/I'll get the silent treatment if he doesn't come". I think sometimes there can be some co-dependency issues and the friend is also worried what her DH will be up to with some free time on his hands!
Not healthy.

Aquarius1234 · 01/12/2023 21:34

Maybe the men are secretly gay and prefer the chat and gossip?

lesdeluges · 01/12/2023 21:35

The men who turn up to women only events must have hides like a rhino or be very manipulative. I really fail to understand why they are not absolutely mortified to be the fox in the hen house like that. How can they turn up and not be embarrassed. I'm baffled honestly.

AllstarFacilier · 02/12/2023 15:48

I don’t spend any time with my friends’ husbands, unless we’re gathering at one of their houses. I like most of them, and can easily talk to them, but they’re not necessarily people I’d hang out with or be friends with otherwise. Same with my DH, I don’t expect them all to want to hang about with him. The men also don’t all want forced together - they get on great when they do, but it’s just not a regular or forced thing - we both have our own circles of friends that don’t really mix.

One woman I worked with kept bringing her husband on our work nights out and would guilt us because “he wouldn’t get a Christmas night out otherwise” etc. or he’d just happen to bump into us in town after we’d been for a meal, or would be holding a table for us somewhere. He was a nice enough bloke, but just not what we wanted when getting drunk. It was mostly because he didn’t have friends, but he was also a bit obsessed with his wife and hated being without her. He wasn’t controlling, just needy.

KK05 · 03/12/2023 20:59

I have a few friends like this. One of them he controls her (she can’t see it) so refuses to babysit the dsd so she has to find someone else then he tags along , another we always ‘bump’ into her husband and the other is a jealousy thing (both sides) with lack of trust. Also have a friend that just enjoys time with her DH away from the kids.

All good friends that I rarely see now for girl time unless it’s a quick coffee. As much as couples nights etc are nice I want friend time. I love my DH but time away from him is a must.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but there can be reasons for it (mentioned above). Would be worth saying it’s girls night etc or even asking (if good friends) why they bring DH etc along. Also as I said I love my DH but I need ME time. Plus he says being with the girls is his worst nightmare, he knows what we’re like when we have couples nights and has acted as taxi driver lots.

Playdates can be weird but I have turned up with DH on occasion usually as we have other plans before/after and depending on timing it’s just easier. Similar with parties etc he usually sits in a corner with his phone playing games.

GirlsAndPenguins · 03/12/2023 21:02

I always take DH with me to soft play/ park meet ups. He runs around after 3 year old, I get to sit and chat 😂

gotomomo · 03/12/2023 21:18

If it's primarily a kids event I can't see the issue. If it's mums no kids then it's weird

bikewidow50 · 04/12/2023 14:26

Exactly, and what about when it’s the dads who are the primary caregiver for the kids? Either because mum’s work hours aren’t conducive to loads of playground catch ups or because she’s sadly not around for a whole host of possible reasons. Are these men not supposed to be allowed to socialise with the parents of their kids’ friends? Or what about if your mum friends have good agreements about shared parenting responsibilities? If it’s a mum’s only catch up with no kids then sure, but if you’re all at the playground with kids, why on earth would both parents not be there?

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 15:53

Exactly, and what about when it’s the dads who are the primary caregiver for the kids? Either because mum’s work hours aren’t conducive to loads of playground catch ups or because she’s sadly not around for a whole host of possible reasons. Are these men not supposed to be allowed to socialise with the parents of their kids’ friends? Or what about if your mum friends have good agreements about shared parenting responsibilities? If it’s a mum’s only catch up with no kids then sure, but if you’re all at the playground with kids, why on earth would both parents not be there?

That's a lot of whataboutery that has nothing at all to do with trailing partners and spouses tagging along to things they're not invited to.

But FWIW when DH was home with young children he:

took them places on his own that interested him
found ways to include DC in his hobbies
went to baby/toddler groups and got to know people there, where social invites followed
arranged playdates with parents he knew (male and female)
went places with DC and his friends and their DC

Funnily enough like many men who are hands on fathers, he never felt the need to identify a group of mums catching up (with their children present because that's convenient), invite himself along and alter the dynamic.

I've met up with a friend's husband because he's often with their DC. He's a great father and our children get on. You know he's never crashed our mum's catch ups. It's almost like many men don't feel the need to tag along uninvited to things.

Don't try to use hands on and involved fathers as some sort of gotcha for weird men who feel the need to tag along uninvited to female social groups with their partner.

Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 16:17

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 15:53

Exactly, and what about when it’s the dads who are the primary caregiver for the kids? Either because mum’s work hours aren’t conducive to loads of playground catch ups or because she’s sadly not around for a whole host of possible reasons. Are these men not supposed to be allowed to socialise with the parents of their kids’ friends? Or what about if your mum friends have good agreements about shared parenting responsibilities? If it’s a mum’s only catch up with no kids then sure, but if you’re all at the playground with kids, why on earth would both parents not be there?

That's a lot of whataboutery that has nothing at all to do with trailing partners and spouses tagging along to things they're not invited to.

But FWIW when DH was home with young children he:

took them places on his own that interested him
found ways to include DC in his hobbies
went to baby/toddler groups and got to know people there, where social invites followed
arranged playdates with parents he knew (male and female)
went places with DC and his friends and their DC

Funnily enough like many men who are hands on fathers, he never felt the need to identify a group of mums catching up (with their children present because that's convenient), invite himself along and alter the dynamic.

I've met up with a friend's husband because he's often with their DC. He's a great father and our children get on. You know he's never crashed our mum's catch ups. It's almost like many men don't feel the need to tag along uninvited to things.

Don't try to use hands on and involved fathers as some sort of gotcha for weird men who feel the need to tag along uninvited to female social groups with their partner.

All of this. DH was a SAHD after DC1. He regularly went along to soft play, rhyme time etc with some of the women from our NCT gang. But that was when it was very much baby-dominated and not about friendships. Similarly, he's done playdates with other parents, male and female, at regular intervals over the years.

DD is BFF with a child and his sister and we are regularly tag teaming at events or activities so it could be DH and BFF's dad, DH and BFF's mum, me with BFF's dad or me with BFF's mum. BUT... I have become quite good friends with the mum and sometimes we organise activities specifically so that we can catch up - those activities may involve the DC or they may be just her and me. DH does NOT tag along to those, and neither does her DH. For that matter, DH and her DH meet up occasionally and sometimes we co-ordinate so that the men take the DC swimming and can catch up without us ladies.

Whyamiherenow · 05/12/2023 09:26

I think my other half will often go on these things. We both have different week days off. If they coincide then we do like to spend them together. So I would be the one with the partner in tow. I’m not dragging him, he loves spending time with the children and is way more social (even with mums) than me. Alternatively, he often goes on play dates with the other mums (it is usually mums) and children when I’m working. It’s never occurred to me it is odd. He has even gone swimming with other mums and children, out for lunch with them all etc without me.

Maybe we are the annoying couple in this scenario but nobody has ever said anything and we keep getting invited.

If it is a children’s birthday party. I would rather he go than me because …… they are chaos and stressful.

That is socialising with the children.

However, we do both socialise without each other and have our own / solo time both with and without children.

I guess there is no right or wrong but if you don’t want someone there when you’re socialising then you should really voice this.

Goatymum · 05/12/2023 09:33

I find that very odd too. I have a couple of mini groups of friends and we never bring partners of either sex unless it’s a specific invite for then too - ie, a party or a meal at one of our houses. Even if I do a meal at mine for 4 friends without their partners, dh will stay to eat and then leave us to chat (he obv knows them well too, but he doesn’t hang around for the goss). Sometimes I’ll meet friends one to one and other times we do a couple thing.
dh has his lads nights out - playing and watching football, or some form
if pub/curry combo!
No-one would bring their partner along to any of the 1-2-1 meets or friends-only meals out!

Goatymum · 05/12/2023 09:35

V different if your husband is a SAHD though, I was friends with one when ds was small cos he worked a shift evening pattern so he did the playgroups etc and it was fine - he came to parties w his daughter.
Dads often did parties etc to give the samhs a break at weekends, but that’s not what the OP is talking about.

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2023 09:36

Maybe we are the annoying couple in this scenario but nobody has ever said anything and we keep getting invited
If you're BOTH invited to things then that's nothing like the situations where an UNINVITED partner keeps showing up at things they aren't invited to. Often this is a male partner tagging along when women want to catch up.

It's very simple.

If Mum and Dad are invited to something, it's fine for both to attend, or one, or neither. Whatever works for their friendship group and their availability. There's nothing wrong with mixed sex socialising.

If Dad is invited to something, say a catch up with some dad friends with kids, Mum doesn't get to decide to crash on the grounds that hubby's friends really like her and she gets on with them so well, and if they wanted to have man chat they should have specifically said in advance "Tracey, the invite to Mark does not include you".

If Mum is invited to catch up with mates, that is an invitation for her. Good old Nigel doesn't need to tag along to a group of mums in the park because nobody has specifically said in advance 'look mate, we know Mike, Dan, Ben and all the other guys know that an invite for their wives is not an invite for them, but you're special and different so every time your wife has a catch up with friends we need to spell it out to you this is not a wife plus Nigel meet up. Not everything includes you'.

Tracey and Nigel need to realise if they're not invited, it's because they're not invited.

Thyroidlady · 05/12/2023 09:46

If it was a park meet-up then I would bring my DH if he wasn’t at work. He is usually in charge of chasing after the kids/ assisting with swings etc and it’s much easier for me to chat and relax if he’s there. Also if it’s somewhere I’ve never been to/ not sure of the way etc or perhaps we want to do something else on the way/ way back.
i wouldn’t mind friends bringing their OH’s either for this type of thing infact my friend often used to when our biggest were younger as he worked flexibly from home. He was great with all the kids and my friend and I could actually sit and enjoy a coffee and chat.

get together at someone’s house I wouldn’t mind their OH being there and obviously having a chat etc, then they usually go and do something else anyway.

An actual girls night out? Then nah unless he’s driving us and dropping off. Unless it’s actually planned as a mixed one in which case totally fine.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 05/12/2023 10:17

I hate this. It doesn't matter what the event is, if the invite wasn't specifically extended to partners then don't bring them. Your partner isn't our friend and we probably don't want them there unless it's a couples thing. It isn't to say they aren't perfectly nice and all, but they aren't our friend and we don't want the dynamic of a friends get together being shifted to accommodate your partner.

hydriotaphia · 05/12/2023 10:29

Play date with kids, it's completely reasonable to bring the dad and I'm surprised that you think it isn't. The dad is a parent too and obviously wants to hang out with his kids. This is completely different from bringing a partner to an intimate coffee (which is intrusive if not discussed in advance).

hydriotaphia · 05/12/2023 10:30

I am biased because my DH was a SAHD and encountered lots of mums who declined to include him in chats at playgroups etc. Weird reverse sexism imho.

feralunderclass · 05/12/2023 11:34

lesdeluges · 01/12/2023 21:35

The men who turn up to women only events must have hides like a rhino or be very manipulative. I really fail to understand why they are not absolutely mortified to be the fox in the hen house like that. How can they turn up and not be embarrassed. I'm baffled honestly.

Or, they feel the wimmin will be so happy to have him there. Years ago, before breastfeeding groups were 'dad friendly' one husband used to come along because he had experience that he wanted to share 🙄. Most of us were first time breastfeeders and he had dc from a previous relationship so had been through it all before and felt him mansplaining breastfeeding to us was a great help. His wife thought he was amazing!

platypuspart · 05/12/2023 11:37

Just jumps out that the woman is in a controlling relationship to me. End of.