Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

[Adayofreadinginbed]

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree?
For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance.
I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

Because my friend's DC aren't in my home. I can't get into soft play without DC either.

For me it’s not necessarily about single sex gatherings it’s about having a meet up with close friends - the dynamic is still nice but slightly different with partners there.

So we might invite Sandra and John to dinner or bbq and all have a lovely time, chat about what we’ve been up to and where we are going on holiday.

But sometimes I want to have a coffee or a glass of wine with my close friend Sandra so we can talk about personal things, reminisce about stories from when we were younger etc, get some advice when struggling to deal with DC / elderly parents. Likewise DP might go for coffee or walk with his mate.

Surely you either meet with the kids and go to somewhere like soft play.
Where you both entertain your kids yourselves.

Or you both leave the kids at home and meet somewhere where you don’t need kids to get in.

If your DH was unavailable would you bring your mum instead?

Because we're taking our DC so they can all play together. Not having to entertain the children is why we can catch up.

And my DH doesn't like hers so doesn't come when hers is coming.

The second scenario isn't something I've encountered in my social circles, which have always expanded to include people's partners and make them feel welcome.

Describing your partner as "tagging along like a lost puppy" is a weird way of putting it. When I met DP, we also met each other's friends. My friendship group accepted him in and his friendship group accepted me in. When he comes to the pub with me it's because he likes my friends and they like him, not because he's at a loose end without me. These days I frequently go for drinks with his friends without him, because they're my friends too now.

We are obviously capable of socialising without each other but integrating with each other's social circles is one of the great things about being in a relationship imo.

Describing your partner as "tagging along like a lost puppy" is a weird way of putting it. When I met DP, we also met each other's friends. My friendship group accepted him in and his friendship group accepted me in. When he comes to the pub with me it's because he likes my friends and they like him, not because he's at a loose end without me. These days I frequently go for drinks with his friends without him, because they're my friends too now.

We are obviously capable of socialising without each other but integrating with each other's social circles is one of the great things about being in a relationship imo.

It's not a weird way if putting it all.

If a friendship group is a mixed sex friendship group, or a meet up is for friends plus partners then partners are obviously welcome.
If a group of friends are meeting up but one person feels the need to bring their husband or partner then he's the lost puppy and needs to stop tagging along.

It's really not a difficult concept: in mixed groups and where partners are invited nobody cares that partners are there, but socialising without partners and then someone brings their partner along changes the dynamics.

Yes, frustrates the living f* out of me. Slightly irrelevant now as H and I are separated, but we had separate lives, mixed-sex friendship groups outside of our family/marriage. My friends would have found it absolutely bizarre if he'd attended catch ups that I'd been invited too. And they all got on with him just fine.
I have friends that live entirely in each others pockets and can't do anything without the other being present. What do they have to talk about at the end of the day?!

Depends

There's a lot of personal/emotional stuff I talk about with women that I wouldn't with men

I'll preface this with saying I never brought my DP, but just offering another perspective. We both work full time but opposite hours/days so before I changed jobs there were a few months that the only time we had as a family was on my two days off in the daytime before DP went to work. So I often felt really guilty going to meet up with other people instead of spending time as a family. So could be this kind of situation and they're trying to juggle both? Although I'm sure you would know if it was something like that.

They might be controlling. My ex used to demand to be invited to things and be offended if he couldn't do, it was easier just to ask for him to come along. However he never somehow got involved in mum things - coffee mornings and the like. I guess he thought that was beneath him and he was working anyway.

But it's hard for me to judge because my DH now is an introvert and tends to assume he is not invited to things and I have to basically insist that he comes to anything :D he would be so much happier if I just went to everything on my own!

Totally different situations.

It is possible to do both

But I have a friend who is now widowed. So we (mostly) go out without partners but for meals or Christmas or whatever then the other partners are invited. But it's us women who are the real friends

I think what's weird to me is that in most social groups I've been in, partners have become integrated into the friendship group quite naturally. Sometimes you want to catch up with one or two people specifically but any group invite will include partners because they're also part of the group. This is something I've always enjoyed about my friendship group - everyone in it loves expanding it, meeting new people etc. That includes partners.

Other than work colleagues, my husband and I don't have separate friendship groups who live near by. I moved down to London and basically married into his mixed sex friendship group. His friends are now my friends and we made more friends together when we moved to another town. Therefore when we do things with our friends it's always as a couple. I don't think that's odd, it's just how life has fallen for us.

I'm autistic and I don't think I'd know what to do in a friendship group by myself anyway 😅

Your situation does sound different though.

I think perhaps people saying 'It's weird to only want to hang out in single sex groups' are really missing the point here.

I don't think anyone is saying that everyone should only socialise without their partners! Of course it's totally normal and fine to socialise with partners and in mixed sex groups. DP and I go out with groups of friends, some bring partners, some don't, and that's all fine. I also have plenty of male friends in general.

However, if I was arranging to have lunch with (eg) my four old (female) schoolmates for a good old catch-up, I would not invite DP and I'd be irritated if someone else brought theirs. It changes the dynamic and it changes the conversation and we wouldn't be able to have the same laughs and, ahem, frank discussions that we'd have if it was just us.

How on earth do all these couples do nights out with both of them? What happens to the DC? I'm very happy and comfortable with socialising separately and I completely feel there are certain dynamics where partners just are NOT appropriate. BUT DH and I are looking forward to when the DC are that bit older and we can occasionally go out for dinner with friends as a couple without having to spend an additional £50 at least on babysitters!

And I agree - I think the tag-along-nigel thing is generally a sign of an unhealthy relationship. either because one party is controlling or because both are co-dependent. My BFF and her DH have been together since they were 18, have no children, and have a very co-dependent relationship. I'm pleased to say that I think they've been working on it as it got very bad after she lost a parent and there was quite a long period where I could not so much as have a 30 minutes coffee with her without him. It was infuriating. I don't see them often any more as they moved away and at the time, DH and I were really worried that actually this was abusive rather than co-dependent. But ironically, it seems to have been really good for them and they both travel back to our part of the world individually on a fairly regular basis.

@Nowherenew I am so sorry. that is SOOO inappropriate.

Dh and I tell each other quite a bit about our respective friends but only in the context of being worried or needing to talk - I'm not filling him in on Mary's latest UTI or the fact she's struggling with having sex with her DH.

Neither one of us would dream of breathing a word of it though, even when we do know about it.

For YEARS, DH knew about a big secret of one of my friends because it was such an upsetting situation I needed someone to talk to about it, but he never said a word to anyone. Similarly, there was a recent situation with a friend of his and again, I have not said a word to anyone and of course when I saw his friend, didn't reference it at all. I find it very sad that when couples do feel they have to tell each other everything, it's not treated with the level of confidentiality I would expect.

I have a friend who doesn't this! If her dh is off work and we have arranged to meet up she will always bring him along! Its like he can't possibly be left at home alone for an hour or two 🙄. Its rude and very annoying imo and completely changes the whole dynamic!

I find it strange too. I love my partner and he's my best pal but we're not glued at the hip! I'd suffocate.

Totally agree! If one parent is out with the kids, the other one should be happy to have some time to themselves right?

As for nights out with friends, there's a problem if one partner feels they have to bring the other along.

I’m in the ‘much prefer mixed sex groups’ camp.

I will attend single sex gatherings but find them really quite dull. I enjoy the company of my husband and family so would prefer to spend time with them. If it’s clear that the even is intended to be single sex I will go along but if it’s a general catch up / cuppa and definitely if it’s at our house, there will usually be at leas tone other person there. Because there are only so many hours in the day and a) I want to spend time with them and b) I’m usually combining two different things which means there’s someone else in tow.

I don't know a single woman who would do this. Or a single man who would want to. My DH would rather cut off his arm than tag along with me on a night out/lunch/coffee etc.

I went on a girls holiday abroad a few years ago, and the friend I was sharing with had to facetime her DH in the middle of the night (every night!) and prove that it was only me in the bedroom, and we hadn't brought any fellas back.

She had to scan the phone around the room ....

@Vuurhoutjies We invite the friends round here and cook (like we're doing tomorrow) or order in. Or we go to their house and do the same. Son is three and from 7.30 just sleeps in his travel cot in their spare room.

That's horrific. Imagine being in a relationship like that?

I don't really get it for people who live together, but for dating couples they sometimes just don't get enough time together.

I also have no interest in having strict sexual segregation of my friends.

What's more annoying is couples who arrive late to a dinner and make everyone else move so they can sit together.