Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

[Adayofreadinginbed]

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree?
For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance.
I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

if it’s a general catch up / cuppa and definitely if it’s at our house, there will usually be at leas tone other person there. Because there are only so many hours in the day and a) I want to spend time with them and b) I’m usually combining two different things which means there’s someone else in tow.
@ChocolateCakeOverspill

I'd be pretty annoyed if you arranged a catch up/cuppa and your DH was hanging around like a wet fart listening to our every word just because you 'want to spend time with him'. Fair enough in your own house, but a coffee shop?

"So if a man goes to events and the female partner is always there is she controlling or just it just work one way?"

I do know of a woman who started going to her husband's work event a lot more after he had an affair.

" WHY the men don't feel like idiots or embarrassed or out of place amongst a group of women?"

That's a really sexist and old fashioned attitude.

"I don't understand "girls'/lads' nights out" single-sex socialising at all, I assume the conversation at such events must be horrendously basic and I'm thankful all of my social groups are happily mixed in terms of genders and sexualities."

I totally agree with that.

But what if they have children? I mean, one of the best things about my kids being a bit older is that with friends with children of similar ages, we can do that - one family comes over, with DC, and we can have a later night at home. But when the DC were small and my friends' DCs were small, it was not practical.

My childfree friends, absolutely! We have done this a lot and are always grateful to them for being wiling to do 5 evenings all with pizza at our house!

I can't think of anything worse than always having mixed sex social events. I love couple time and group activities. But when me and a close girlfriend got together last week, one of the topics of conversation was some frustrations we were both experiencing at home - neither of us would have done that with our DHs there. A few weeks ago a larger group of women had a very useful and interesting discussion about peri menopause. I reserve the right to prefer to have these conversations without a man present.

Maybe enjoying spending time with your partner and wanting to catch up.with your friends without them are not mutually exclusive 🙄

That would be your prerogative, but I wonder whether you’re assuming that the friend I’m meeting is only my friend as opposed to a friend of us both.

Because the dynamic is very different from what you describe, he’s far from hanging around like a wet fart, he’s as much part of the conversation, jokes, humour, bitching, support etc as the rest of us, because we’re all friends. We would also tend to arrange to catch up on the way to or from something else which means a lot of the time someone else is already in the car (on both sides of the dynamic).

Obviously if it’s someone who doesn’t know him that’s different and of course he wouldn’t come but I genuinely couldn’t care less if it was one part of the couple or both that I was hanging out with. I meet my friend and most of the time she brings her wife, it’s lovely to spend time with them both. Likewise I’ve met other friends wives / partners on nights out and it’s been really nice to meet them. There are a couple I’m less keen on but that’s because I don’t gel with them more than anything else.

I think it’s different personalities, I hear ‘girls night’ and my heart sinks a bit but you could suggest the same activity in a mixed group and I’d be really excited.

This is really judgemental, I often meet up with the women I’ve been friends with since school. We’re all interesting people living very different lives (AND with different sexualities / some married with kids, some single, some in between) and we do interesting things together when we meet up. We’ve supported each other through studying, career development, pregnancy and bereavement.

Just because we don’t always invite husbands and partners doesn’t mean the conversation is “basic” at all! When partners are there the conversation is more generic - I like socialising with them and at more organised events, parties, dinners, group trips we would always invite partners, old and new.

I think what's weird to me is that in most social groups I've been in, partners have become integrated into the friendship group quite naturally. Sometimes you want to catch up with one or two people specifically but any group invite will include partners because they're also part of the group. This is something I've always enjoyed about my friendship group - everyone in it loves expanding it, meeting new people etc. That includes partners
But again, the crucial part in your post is that in your social group the invite includes the partners! Nobody is objecting to partners coming along to social things where they're invited.

The problem people are discussing is when partners aren't invited but then one person seems to have their husband tagging along/inviting himself along.

For example, we've got a mixed group of friends. There are times when everyone meets up together, sometimes the men do something, sometimes the women do something. If a few mums are meeting up for coffee and a play date then none of our partners/spouses tag along because they're more than capable of understanding that they don't have to insert themselves everywhere.

That would be your prerogative, but I wonder whether you’re assuming that the friend I’m meeting is only my friend as opposed to a friend of us both.
@ChocolateCakeOverspill

Of course I understand your point of view. Maybe I'm speaking anecdotally. I once arrange to meet a female friend (she had a partner who I was friendly with). I was going through a difficult time with ovarian cysts and painful periods, and needed someone to talk to (she'd been through similar). She said DP wanted to come and join us so I couldn't say no . I never ended up talking about my problem because as nice as her DP, I didn't fancy regailing him with my menstration problems

That’s totally understandable and crappy.

I have a friend that does this and another friend that invites her mum to everything. 🤦‍♀️

@Vuurhoutjies They're all child free at present :) We don't know that many people 😅

@LolaSmiles This is exactly it, in group chat it can just be a basic kids/mums play date meet up and it will always be asked if dads are/can come and I do an internal groan. Obviously don’t mind sometimes I just don’t understand why you’d always want them to

Why would conversation with just women be 'basic'. You must have dull girlfriends.

I suppose bringing anyone along uninvited without running it past the host is rude. Though I've met some great friends as a result of a mutual friend bringing someone I didn't know along to something. Tbh if I have anything personal or sensitive to discuss I'll arrange something specifically with the 1 or 2 people I might want to discuss it with; general catch-ups in cafes and bars are fair game for anyone to come to as far as I'm concerned.

But the greater undercurrent in these threads isn't about uninvited guests in general, it's the assumption that "my" friends and "his" friends are to be always kept apart because what could I possibly have to talk about with my partner's friends, or he with mine? I find that bizarre - as well as all the strange metaphors, people's husbands hanging around like wet farts etc. Just not part of my experience at all. DP is perfectly able to hold a normal, friendly conversation with my friends and I with his.

Not really, this is the norm imo. People often feel more comfortable this way, and can be more free. I doubt they’d be as open with Sandra’s husband around, who they aren’t as close with.

"But when me and a close girlfriend got together last week, one of the topics of conversation was some frustrations we were both experiencing at home - neither of us would have done that with our DHs there. "

Sure, but you could have done it in a mixed group of close friends. Mixed groups don't have to mean couples.

As for talking about women's problems, yes that can often be more comfortable with just women, but I don't want all my socialising to be about this. I also think that ideally men should be aware of these things. We have a friend with prostate cancer. He hasn't stopped socialising with women so he can talk more openly about his health all the time.

My female friends are interesting and we have good discussions including when there are no men around. However, 'girls' nights that are female only with some kind of rule often end up just being women talking about men all night imo.
They also don't solve the "problem" of seeing friends without their partners as women can bring their lesbian partners.

Bit shit for people who have quite a few friends from the opposite sex isn't it.
I like to spend time with the people I get along with, whatever their sex.

"But the greater undercurrent in these threads isn't about uninvited guests in general, it's the assumption that "my" friends and "his" friends are to be always kept apart because what could I possibly have to talk about with my partner's friends, or he with mine?"

Apparently you should be 'embarrassed' to be in a group that's mainly men!

No they are not. Doing the weekly food shop together is sometimes necessary and also entirely different to going to a girl's night out or whatever with your wife/partner.

I used to have mix friends, but as I got older, I feel wayyyy more comfortable with women tbh. I just feel I can behave and talk more openly about things I necessarily wouldn’t with men, and it’s less awkward in general.

See, I’d have been really happy with this. I found the constant run of mum / play dates soul destroying. Like we somehow have to socialise together because we’re women. I’d much rather it was mixed up a bit, particularly as in this example they’re asking.