Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

[Adayofreadinginbed]

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree?
For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance.
I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

I have. A friend like this. It's super annoying. Me and my husband are the complete opposite so I really don't get it

I have one friend who does this and I've come to realise it's social anxiety. I've actually grown to like her husband (wasn't keen at first when he used to turn up unannounced) and he and I often do our own playdates with the kids now.

I also have a friend who is the female equivalent - DP goes out with his mates including her DH and she ALWAYS shows up with their young daughter. Really pisses the group off. She is massively insecure and I can only think it's that, she's lovely on the whole.

Tbh if I have anything personal or sensitive to discuss I'll arrange something specifically with the 1 or 2 people I might want to discuss it with; general catch-ups in cafes and bars are fair game for anyone to come to as far as I'm concerned.
I think this is the heart of the difference of opinion.

I think (like a lot of people) that if I'm invited to hang out with a group of friends then the invite is for me, not me and DH, not me and another friend I want to bring.

I would consider it very rude of me to decide that if more than a couple of people are invited then it's fair game to bring others because if people wanted to talk about personal stuff they should specifically talk to 1/2 people. It comes down to respecting other people's company and the invitations.

The older I've got the more I've started to realise that some women seem to think there's some special kudos for hanging out with men or finding a way to insert men into otherwise female social events. I have plenty of male friends and socialise in mixed sex groups too, but I have no need to do what some women on here do and roll my eyes about how boring female company is, wax lyrical that my DH is capable of talking to women, that DH must obviously come to my otherwise female social meets, why I'm cool to hang out with men, why it's apparently weird to socialise without your partners because obviously everyone has to be friends with everyone's partner's etc. It feels like the grown up version of college/university girls being one of the guys, not like the other girls.

I agree it's annoying. In my old job there were a small group of us that enjoyed going for dinner every month or so. After a while, one of the women starting inviting her partner every time and it just changed the whole thing. He was quite socially awkward and people in the group started acting less like their usual selves as you couldn't relax in the same way. She started encouraging others to invite their partners too, but that never really took off.
At first I found it weird, but I did start to wonder if his coming along was not her decision, but his. So I decided not to make a thing of it in case she was actually in a really difficult position and just found it easier not to push back. I could of asked her but as we were just good colleague friends I decided not to get involved unless she actually came looking for help/advice.
I guess what I'm saying is, if a friend keeps bringing their partner, bare in mind that things might not be all that they seem.

Have to speak up in defence of female only gatherings too. I'm in a mums' coffee club, we alternate houses. Last time at mine we were speaking about how one of my friends nearly died in childbirth (she was in tears during this) before moving onto giving advice on anal fissures which another is suffering from. Not topics we'd be comfortable discussing in front of men. We are having couples drinks at Christmas which will be lovely but I also like my time with just the mums.

I think it depends what you discuss with your friends- I like chatting to mums or dads so it doesn't bother me at all and my husband quite often tags along unless specifically a girls only event. However I've always had diverse friendship groups. If you want to talk about the middle east issues, politics, travel or the arts then why does it matter whether it's a group of women? I find it quite dull when it's women only topics. What do you talk about? HRT, celeb gossip and married at first sight, while the blokes scratch their balls and grunt at the rugby. Bit of a cliche. We've moved on from those days. It's refreshing now to see both parents taking an interest in their kids lives at the weekend.

I feel this discussion is getting a bit derailed - OP didn’t seem to have an issue with mixed sex groups of friends, more husbands / partners tagging along when uninvited. I like my friends partners, but they tend to be in my social circle BECAUSE they are my friends partners - not because we have a great deal in common. I have my own friends for that. Likewise my DP gets on great with my friends but wouldn’t necessarily have loads to chat to them about if I weren’t there! Also women only groups don’t just talk about reality TV or the menopause. We have our own hobbies and interests we can chat about!

I think you are being purposefully obtuse. I was just giving two examples of single sex events at which I was happier to be with just women, and no partners.

As @LolaSmiles has tried to point out, no one is saying that single sex events must happen or are better. Instead, the point is that sometimes, one person is invited and this insistence on bringing their (unwanted by the rest) partner along is inappropriate and unnecessary. This does tend to happen MORE often when it's an attempt at a single sex event, but not exclusively.

I socialise in all kinds of groups. Including, for example, a gang of old school friends who are both men and women who catch up now and again in a mixed sex, but no partners, group. I'd be equally annoyed if Jane got herself a new partner and started bringing him along every single time.

This weekend, a friend of DH's is coming over. We'r not close, but I like him. We'll definitely all have a cup of coffee and a chit chat because I'm genuinely interested in how he's getting on etc. But I'm sure at some point him and DH will slope off to the pub for a drink and to have a one-to-one catch up. No problem.

I'm betting the type of woman to do this are the type to use the term "hubby" too

I've met a few of these over the years. They did find themselves frozen out though. Nobody wants an extra hanging around whose not part of the friendship group and changes the dynamics

I feel this discussion is getting a bit derailed - OP didn’t seem to have an issue with mixed sex groups of friends, more husbands / partners tagging along when uninvited.
It always does when it comes to women wanting to talk with other women.

For some reason some women always (I suspect deliberately) miss the point to bring it back to "but what about the men...? My Nigel talks to women... All my friends love my Nigel, you dull women wanting female conversation must spend your whole time talking about boring vaginas, menopause, periods and women's issues if you can't handle someone bringing their husband along uninvited. You must be so dull if you want to enjoy female company without someone bringing their hubby along."

It's really strange, and I suspect is a variation on the college/university "not like the other girls", "one of the guys", "I find girls boring and get on better in groups with guys in it".

It's not unreasonable to have a catch up with friends without someone inserting their partner into it. How hard can it be to let a group of friends socialise with the people they've invited?

How ridiculous

They must be jealous?

I blame the men for not having the cop on to butt out of a women only gathering. Feck off the lot of them!. Mixed groups are fine but women only chats are stifled by men being present I feel.

So to me those who turn up are either dim, needy, or controlling. That's my view and I ain't changing it.

Oh no we don't just talk about men, we also talk about clothes, make up, housework, babies and cute kittens too 😆

Obviously if I wanted to bring along another friend I'd run it past people first and be mindful of the likelihood of everyone getting along. And that's the exception rather than the rule.

I don't consider female company boring at all - simply the expectation of defaulting to segregated single-sex social circles. I find the idea of male-only social circles even more tedious (DP has confirmed that they are). Like a PP there aren't that many issues I'd feel uncomfortable discussing with men. Feminist issues - I actively want men there so we can glare at them make them realise how important they are. Intimate health issues - I am not discussing them with my friends at all, if I ever get an anal fissure it'll be between me and my GP only.

As for being friends with your partner's friends - why would you not want to be? It's simple logic. I like DP and I think he has good taste in people (eg me) so of course I want to make friends with the people who are important to him. As I also have good taste in people I also want to bring him into my social circle, they're all excellent so why would they not get along? And when one of my friends gets a new serious partner of course I want to welcome them into the group. The whole "my DP would rather cut off his arm than hang out with me and the people who are important to me LOL" thing seems so unhealthy.

So many posters missing the point completely.

It is not about female friend groups not welcoming male partners.. It is a women only gathering feeling awkward about one of their group assuming it is fine to bring their male partner along, when everyone was looking forward to a women only thing.

And the premise of the thread is about a woman inviting her DP along when the rest of the group didn't do that because it was a WOMEN ONLY GATHERING!

Comprehension tests needed.

So many posters missing the point completely.

It is not about female friend groups not welcoming male partners.. It is a women only gathering feeling awkward about one of their group assuming it is fine to bring their male partner along, when everyone was looking forward to a women only thing.

And the premise of the thread is about a woman inviting her DP along when the rest of the group didn't do that because it was a WOMEN ONLY GATHERING!

Comprehension tests needed.
Exactly this! 👏👏👏

It's so bloody depressing that women can't express frustration at uninvited male partners crashing a female gathering without being bombarded with fake confusion about why women might find this behaviour rude and weird.

"And when one of my friends gets a new serious partner of course I want to welcome them into the group. The whole "my DP would rather cut off his arm than hang out with me and the people who are important to me LOL" thing seems so unhealthy."

This

I don’t think most people are saying they wouldn’t welcome a friends partner or husband to their group. Just that on occasion they would like to socialise without partners there?! My partners friends have welcomed me into their group, it doesn’t mean I have to go along every single time some of them pop out for a coffee or a few pints.

I think some women might feel insecure so bring their husbands?

I get that some women are very shy/anxious and having their husbands at, say a kids party, is understandable as they can be a nightmare of you don't have friends there to chat with.

BUT girls nights/playdates...no. Husbands do not need to be there and any woman that needs to bring her husband with her should think that he's not wanted! So you should both stay home!

Years ago a colleague of mine brought her husband to every work event where there was food and drink provided by work. No one said anything to her and he continued coming until he'd been to a few events and he suddenly asked "why does no one else's husband ever come?"

Upon which the branch manager just turned around and said "because, as Mary knows well, this is a staff only event" and then just stared at Mary (not real name).

Mary just looked baffled and said something like "it's easier at dinner time if we've already both eaten"

It was an incredibly uncomfortable moment! Then Mary grabbed her bag and said "don't worry, we'll go then" and stalked off. Her husband trailed after her. She later complained to Head Office about the branch manager stating that she'd been deliberately excluded from the event by her (but that went nowhere as there were photos of Mary there!)

He didn't go to any more events.

I agree OP, it's highly annoying and completely changes the dynamic. I once ended a relatively new relationship with a guy because he couldn't grasp why him joining my birthday girls' night out would a) change the dynamic and b) was not the same as the romantic meal for two I'd asked for as a present.
I also get annoyed when I've arranged a meet up with a friend and they bring an extra friend along, one that is their friend but more of an acquaintance to me. I've actually left very quickly on such occasions.

Another person here who HATES it when somebody I have invited to do something brings their partner!

Even worse when I have never met their partner!

If I wanted to socialise with your partner also, I would have specifically invited them, too.

Maybe people who always bring their partner along (uninvited) will now understand how the majority of us feel when they do.

Yeah I’ve got a friend who often turns up to coffee with her husband and does change the dynamic as to what we talk about. He’s ND and she has ocd though. She’s also sent him in her place to meet me for coffee if we’ve had the kids in tow to play. That’s thrown me. Nowadays I don’t see much of them.

If going to the park then yeah DH will come along, he’s quite happy to play and keep an eye on our LO so I can sit with the mums and chat away, a lot of our friends do the same too, so never a problem.

But for a girls night out/brunch then no, unless invited etc.

I had this one time. Girls night out and one boyfriend tagging along always makes it awkward.

I'm also meeting a good friend over Xmas who lives abroad so I've not seen her in two years. Have a feeling she's bringing her partner (who I barely know) but I'll be going alone because my DH is working that day. Really wanted time just me and her! I find it quite rude tbh when people don't even ask do you mind if my partner comes too, and just assume it's fine.