Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

Hes 11 man. Give him a break. My son is 10 and I still get up with him making sure he's ready etc. Parent B is being a little harsh in my eyes. But maybe I'm too soft too lol.

I'm putting my 10 p on A being mum (you) and B being dad. YANBU. I'd have provided more support and breakfast too.

I don't understand why on B's days A is collecting to take to school - surely that's B's responsibility?

At 11 (year 6 or 7) child should be able to manage their own breakfast but I agree should be given a bit of a shove to make sure they're up and awake. Natural consequences though innit.

Seriously, why isn't B sorting out the travel on their days?

I'm with Igmum. B is a twat.

You should keep some cereal bars in the car if you’re A. Suggest multiple alarms. You can’t really control how your ex chooses to deal with this is their house.

Yes at 11 they need checking on; even with my 15 year old I’ll check she’s up if I haven’t seen her.

Sounds like 50/50 is pushing it if A is doing all the school runs?

And yes I assume the OP is A and the child's mum!

Parent B was overzealous (no tech for 3 days? how does that even work if child is with parent A, are they expected to enforce it?) and a bit mean to not provide breakfast - I am totally against using food as a punishment though.

No tech for 3 days for accidentally oversleeping is way over the top.

natural consequences here all the way overslept runs late breakfast in car anything else is over the top and I would not be implementing on my time.

why is he still sleeping as well - I would be looking at whether this is working overnights wise because it’s you who takes the hit at having to drive and collect the child who is being left alone

Child is Y7 and just started secondary. School is a 40 min walk - about 25 mins alone as friends live closer to school (A drops child to meet friends to walk 15 mins to school).
B won’t walk or get bus with child, so child will have to do morning routine and leave house to walk and meet friends on time. Child has done this on occasion when A has been away/ unable to drop off. A admittedly does this voluntarily so that child is at school on time and also enjoys spending the 5 mins in car with child to prepare for the day.

A doesn’t have to do all the collections, but alternative is child walks alone.

It doesn't really matter who we agree with on this, you & your ex clearly have different parenting techniques / outlook, but you can't change what parent B does...

I'm a bit in the middle, I'd find parent A maybe a tad overbearing & parent B too harsh. Children need prompting 100% but ultimately do eventually need to take some sort of responsibility for themselves.

Sounds like B is getting a very easy ride in terms of his DCs care. No idea why A is allowing this.

I think the truth lies in the middle. Yes, I would make sure the kid was up and would be up myself to see them off to school. Whichever adult makes breakfast in the house, would make one for everyone.
No, I would not be chasing a child reminding them to take their PE kit. My kid had a meltdown because we didn't pack a red t-shirt for sports tournament. My partner was trying to excuse her saying the trainer messaged really late hence we missed getting it on time and it's not her fault. I made it very clear that the kid knew about tournament for weeks and knew what was discussed in training so she should not have assumed we are going to bend over backwards scouting shops for a red t-shirt 5 minutes before team huddle when she failed to even mention it to us, let alone think she needed to take responsibility. She is 13, not 3.

But even I would not go as far as to sleep until 8am knowing that my kid needs to be up and out before that time.

There’s a middle ground on this. 11 us old enough to start being responsible for getting up and getting to school on time.

but if a parent is around a prompt doesn’t hurt. But realistically lots of 11 year old get themselves to school on time without drop offs.

B could’ve let them take toast in the car and frankly could get up and see them off

A should only be doing 50% drop offs this schedule is nonsense

I'm not sure what the child or A gain by staying over at Bs.
They would be better off going over for evening & meal and then going home to sleep.

This is fine in principal but A is escaping a fair amount of grunt work tbh! Easy for them to say it's no big deal when they're not having to do all the driving and schedule their work round it!! A needs to step up and do school run on their day

I agree with this. A is probably babying to some extent and B is too harsh.

I think the parent whose day it is should have responsibility for getting the kid to school. Parent B will just have to walk/get the bus. If they work from home they should have plenty of time to do this.

otherwise parent A is doing way more of the actual work of parenting but I bet they aren’t getting the child maintenance to reflect this.

Get the kid a bike to get to school, he needs to be responsible for own time management in secondary school.

B seems mean but you can’t manage how they parent. And unless 11 y/o has any serious complaints leave them to it.

I think it's a parents job to provide the safety net in case the child needs it. That way the child is still learning/trying but is helped when needed.
In this scenario the consequences are not just felt by the child and it's in everyone's interest to get them to school on time.
B is a bit harsh. But is also perhaps more impacted by a new baby so has less time.

One of my first thoughts.

Mine too. This isn’t 50/50 currently.

Why is A doing travel on B's days when actually B decision not to drive has consequences such as having to use public transport and waking up to facilitate this

Child is 11, sure learn consequences from actions child can't have normal sit down breakfast but child should not go without food and a slice of toast in the car is fine.

Poor kid waking up and sorting himself out alone. B sounds very harsh

I assume B and partner are sleeping in because of being up with the baby in the night?

Certainly by Y8 I would expect a child to be able to get up and out themselves without adult intervention, but in the first term of high school and following an illness, I agree a little more support will be needed from time to time. A is babying the child a little by n ot expecting independence, and B needs to step up when the child has been poorly.

So neither is completely wrong or right, both need to be a bit more flexible.

Both are U. Stop picking your son up to take him to school when hes able to walk, he is plenty old enough. B is a knob, no he doesnt need to baby the child but making sure hes awake in time is a minimum, beyond that, if he forgets his PE kit, he gets in trouble, thats a consquence of his actions. You are far too soft, dad is too harsh and this must be VERY jarring for your son, speaking from experience.

Child just needs to be with the kind parent who actually parents them - and drives - much more than 50%. I can’t see the point of them being at B’s at all.

Should you have to get up with and prompt a secondary school child - if they need it. Most will and this child does.

If the child would rather be left alone in the mornings and is very good at getting ready on time then fine but that’s clearly not the case here.

All that said, Perhaps A should work towards getting child to the point where they are more independent and can walk to school with friends. Breakfast is always important- if I’d been A I’d have brought something myself to make sure they had something, seeing as A is clearly as B is clearly a twat.

B sounds lazy and probably just wants 50:50 to save money.