Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

No technology for 3 days cos an 11 yr old child slept through an alarm & parent couldnt be arsed to make sure they were up/dressed/fed in time for ex to collect them?? Wow

11 year olds absolutely need a parent up in the morning, I find Bs behaviour really shocking. Expecting an 11 year old to get up and get ready when they and their partner can't get their lazy arses up.

Each child is different. My 10 year old son needs less cajoling in the morning than my 14 year old daughter who would literally never get to school without me shouting her 50 times a morning to get up.

I think it's really terrible a child that age has gone to school hungry.

Poor child I would totally still be making sure my child was and ready and had breakfast for school it’s a parents job it’s YOUR child give him a break I’m with you mum!!

To add to that if I was separated from my partner and he had a new partner with a child I would go off my head if I found out my child was getting ready without the parent been awake to sort them for school ridiculous

I car share to get my DS15 to school. It would be a 50 min walk & too steep to cycle at the end. I still set my alarm & get up when its not my day to drop off just to make sure my DS is up/showering etc. Teenagers are notorious for sleeping through alarms. My DH wfh & gets up at 8. I get up at 7 every day. Its just what good parents do imo. Baby or no baby. The poor kid has only just started yr 7! Harsh treatment from parent B imo.

You are trying too hard to facilitate the dad doing a half arsed job.

If he's not willing to get the lad to school, he pays the going rate of cms and stays with you, contact is meant to be for the benefit of the child.

You also don't have to defend his twattery- my exh has no weeknights due to being incapable also and I feel no obligation to cover for him.

I woke ds17 up this morning because he’d accidentally turned his alarm off and I didn’t want him to be late for college! If it was one of my early days and I was already out of the house it would have been hard luck, but I’m here, and I can, so why wouldn’t I? (I’m sure he’d do the same for me if roles were reversed!)
Also, different children need different amounts of scaffolding to be ready to do these things. One of my ds’s could (and usually did) manage completely independently at 11, one needed more support around executive management.

Poor child. B is clearly lazy and can’t be arsed. If I were you (A), I’d have him full time, he’s clearly an afterthought for his dad. Why would he set him up to fail? He’s an 11 year old child. Disgusting behaviour.

He could do this, but he chooses not to.

I was speaking with his partner the other day as she’s due to return to work and she was mentioning how the baby will be going to the same nursery that DS attended. The nursery is a 50 min walk (past where DS meets his friends in the morning). I said oh that’s going to be a stress to get to in the mornings as there’s no direct bus. She said Dad (B) is going to walk baby in pram every morning so she can get to work on time.

So he’s capable of doing it, he just doesn’t want to/can’t be arsed to do it for his son and I’m obviously available to do it so why should he?

I spoke with DS this morning about the routine at his Dads to ask if it was every morning he gets up alone or just was a one off. He said it’s every morning, but that Dad gets up at 7.55 when DS is ready and waiting for me. So Dad will send him off/say goodbye but also, if DS is not ready at 7.55 then “it all kicks off”, so he finds mornings very stressful keeping himself on time. But he does manage it mainly, and it’s not very often he is late.

Dad justifies it all as life skills/character building and that it didn’t do him any harm at DS’s age to learn without supervision. That look at him, he’s a punctual adult who is always on time. But he’s also an adult who lives for Friday night so he can go to his mates house to smoke weed and play Xbox, who drinks 4 pints of Stella every night, who has a short temper and struggles with depression. So yeah, he might be on time for things but he’s hardly a shining example of a “functioning” adult.

A is correct. B should be getting up with them at 11 and prompting, etc. No not all 11 year olds need it but some do. He wont do it forever.

Clean clothes and breakfast is basics and if B can't get that right then B shouldn't be a father.

Ah just seen your update that B doesnt get out of bed until 7.55am so thats why he thinks its 'life skills' for his son to get up on his own, because he wants a lie in everyday.

I see no reason why child can't get the bus if parent is in the house they should be up and seeing them off. If at work then the child is old enough to get a bowl of cereal or toast themselves

As if no adult has ever overslept for work..unnecessary drama. The world won't end if he's 10mins late for school as long as it's a one off.

Poor 11year old OP . It’s tough starting secondary and a gradual process while they become more independent. You can’t make your Ex reasonable though . Can you phone your DS on a mobile in the morning to make sure he’s up ? You shouldn’t have to but I’d be tempted

Mine walked to school alone, but never, ever without wither me (2 days) or gran (2 days) making them a proper breakfast, usually warm. Sometimes they ate it as they walked ran because they were running late, but always fed.

I think dad will see less of his DS than his mum as he ages. You reap what you sow.

Keep up the good work mum, you are the constant in his life.

Also,learning independance is vital sure, but I don't know why it's expected at 11.Making sure he's up, packed and ready for the day isn't exactly putting his shoes and socks on for him is it.

Can he ride a bike to school relatively safely? 40 minutes isn't too bad if the weather isn't awful, and walking on your own for a time is just part of growing up.

Alternatively, when he leaves for school from yours can you walk to the bus stop with him and make sure he gets on the right bus? Maybe even ask the driver to make sure he gets off at the correct stop. Getting the bus really isn't that difficult, I was taking it to school from Y7. I never missed my stop or lost my bag.

Difficult situation.... But you sound absolutely lovely.

the no technology etc. is not where I would put my foot down. Those are his father´s rule (as you said) and it doesn´t seem like it would be genuinely harmful (might even have some benefits). Edit: as long as it doesn´t impact his schoolwork!

the breakfast... Well, proper nutriton is crucial. Especially for children with adhd.
I think I would start having some breakfast bars (or nut mix pouches etc.) available in your car.

These should be available everyday. That way you won´t be seen as intentionally undermining his father. And your son will still get something to eat if his father makes him leave without food.

He’s 11, my youngest is 15 and he gets himself up and ready but I still prompt him to check he has eaten and got his phone, id, drink etc to take to school, he’s only been getting himself up for the last year, at 11 he was pretty useless, id say they still need support in learning how to manage

Don't over think it , its working atm , get some breakfast bars to keep in the car for the odd occasion he misses breakfast and just carry on . There are very few adults that can't get on in life because they were driven to school or were cajoled to get up in the morning .

What is the point of child going to B's house if they are being ignored and left alone all morning?

If B cannot get child to school. Child should spend more time in the week at A’s. As A is doing school runs etc. B should be supporting child to get up etc. Maybe it’s time to revise the routine and ask the child what they would like to do. B sounds lazy and needs to get out of bed and help child.

Good lord, your ex sounds like an absolute arse! No, you are not being unreasonable in wanting your 11-year old to have a good start to the day. My mum always got up with us till we were well into secondary school and you could say that she especially babied my (older!) brother - I remember one time him sitting on a blouse of mine that I was planning to wear and when I got annoyed he said "oh, mum will iron it". Twit! But he has grown into a very good man, he's an excellent father, a great husband and is supremely well-respected and liked at his place of work. So you keep doing what you are doing, OP.

Perhaps let your DS walk to your house each morning, as you say. He will gain independence soon enough. And I do believe that our kids' gaining independence gradually gives us a chance to get used to it ourselves. Step by step, and doing it together. Wishing you all the best, OP.

Gosh everyone accidentally oversleeps at some point in their life! Parent B sounds too harsh - I think prompts are helpful for anyone you have a morning routine with (child or adult). Surely being a family makes this a team effort every morning!

Just feel really sad for your son (&you) about his Dad's poor (polite version of my thoughts) behaviour. Thank goodness you are having that time with him in the mornings, so he has some caring adult input.
His Dad is being lazy and selfish. He is also prioritising/using the baby as an excuse for not having some special time in the morning with his son. Just gob smacked at Dad's expectations.
I'm all for encouraging independence in youngsters but not to cover up neglecting them.
And some children do just need more support for longer.
Personally think you should push for changing the 50/50 (cynically is this connected with maintenance?) Might not be popular but sometimes tough decisions have to be made. Son can easily see Dad in an evening but then come home to you during the week. This will ensure son has clean clothes and breakfast/lunch every day and proper love and care.
Sending huge hugs