Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

This is so lovely, and exactly how it feels for me. I work in quite an emotionally demanding role (children who are in care) and my days are spent hearing some horrific stories and reading about neglect (which is also probably why I am worried about him missing food/ not wearing clean uniform). But mostly I see the children who are emotionally impacted by not having a consistent, reliable adult who is there for them.

I don’t want my son to ever feel like he’s not my priority, or I don’t think about him when he’s at his Dads. I want him to remember his childhood and there never be a doubt that his Mum loved him and did the best she could. Those 5 minutes in the car to school, chatting about the day ahead, singing to the radio are usually the best part of my day.

You sound like a wonderful mum. As a mum of a neurodivergent child, I think you are giving all the right practical everyday supports to your child, and well done for recognising his needs in the absence of a formal diagnosis.

Just keep doing what you are doing, and treasure those moments with him that nourish you both.

A suggestion to support the executive function issues.... a smart watch. Doesn't need to be a fancy expensive one infact older types are often easier for school - no cameras etc. My dd has a Samsung watch 3 which works with Google family link (later ones don't) she sets reminders (for kit, meetings etc) and tasks (homework, jobs etc) and appointments (for her timetable etc) and the thing constantly buzzes on her arm telling her what to do! She's 14 and it's been fab in independence!

He sounds very like my XH, except XH wasn't willing to push for 50/50 even though he spent ages telling the kids that's what HE deserves and would get. My middle boy especially bought into this rhetoric. I wonder if you're ex has done similar. Thankfully he only has them 2 nights a week. I knew if we did 50/50 it would be like this, with me just having to cram everything into the time I had them, he will never parent. My DD sounds a lot like your DS, she's Autistic. I don't know what it's like to parent a child that isn't Autistic, but I do know whether a child is neurotypical or not you need to teach kids how to be independent, not just throw them in the deep end and blame them if they sink.

I think you’re actually already encouraging him to be independent because you’re just driving him to the point where he meets his friend and let them do the last 15minutes together. So he gets the benefits of a chat with you in the morning, skips the lonely 25min walk but still gets to walk into school with peers and a quick bit of morning exercise.

@Blueotter22

theres a lot that your Ex doesn't agree with. Funny how those things require less parenting isn't it.

I'd plough on with getting a diagnosis now DS is in secondary. Dont let Ez brain wash you! It will help DS

got to go, back later.

Based on my and my friend's experience I would say most children make their way to school from the start of secondary. Mine walks 45 minutes to school, one of my friend's daughters either walks for a similar amount of time, takes a bus or cycles. We very occasionally would pick up if we had time and generally only if it was pouring or freezing outside.
Your ex can still take him to school/bus stop, no reason he can't do it with a baby in tow to give his partner time in the morning.
What I would say though is that there isn't a magic cut-off for children to be independently mobile. Like any other life skill, it needs practising from a young age. So if he's never been allowed to pop to shops without supervision, go to a local park by himself and take a bus on a short journey, he may not feel ready to do it. So maybe start building independence slowly if he is a bit weary or getting himself to school on a bus.

So I have 2 kids. One would be fine with B. She sets her alarm and is up before mum, showered first and sets off to school earlier than actually needed but all good. Other child only gets up after several prompts from mum despite their alarm coming on very loud in a morning. They do everything last minute and struggle to move. They don’t even shower on a morning.

I think parent needs to be up and sorting child on a morning at any age. I leave for work a spoke of days an hit before the kids need t but I make sure my struggling child is out of bed before I go. parent staying in bed is lazy. I’m up and ready on my day off making sure kids get out on time. My kids are 11&14. 14 struggles. Should be able to manage but can’t. Is ND. 11 is the early riser who sorts themselves out. No official ND but likely some there too.

Why can't parent B put baby in pram and walk with child to friends?

I’m not sure this is 50:50 if he can’t get up with his son in the mornings - especially as it seems he still needs prompting to organise himself. I imagine he says 50:50
so he doesn’t pay maintenance; he doesn’t seem kind. You sound like you’re holding things together for your son and ensuring he’s walking in with friends etc.
As your son gets older remind him he could choose to stay with you more during the week. Keep records of these incidents - sensing a child to school hungry and upset is not parenting.

why is an 11 year old child being chauffered to school?

one of mine did a 2 mile walk and the other took 2 public buses to get to school, no way would the other parent have been driving by to chauffeur them to school

B stinks, what a wanker.

Having to rush and eat breakfast in the car would have been a reasonable consequence. I would never let my child go hungry to teach them a lesson. My mum set the alarm for me until I was 15.

I read a couple of earlier posts OP and thought ADHD then read your later ones. My DD14 does and her time keeping is terrible.

Your ex is an arse.

I would actually get your DS assessed. Medication has helped my DD a lot in school.

You’re doing a great job. You know your son very well, see what support he needs and where the gaps are in his own functioning and you’re providing that support and prompting him in the hope of developing his functioning skills. Your question to me reads like “am I loving my child too much” and if you’re not wiping your child’s bum etc I think you know that that’s a silly question. Of course he needs to gain independence skills but to me it sounds like you’re working on skills that you think are in line with his own development and not the development of other children of his age. You also haven’t suggested he can’t travel independently (by foot or bus etc), so it’s not like you’ve stopped him learning things in giving him a lift.

In regards to ds’s father there absolutely is a place for consequences but using hunger as one is of course unfeeling and ridiculous. That said I think there has to be some acceptance that while the concerns in relation to ds’s father are annoying, they aren’t putting your child at risk of harm and your child is happy. As your ds’s father doesn’t sound like he’s got much capacity for change, if you can’t find a way to accept this and let go of your frustrations only you will suffer and you deserve peace.

YANBU. I think at 11 the parent(s) should at least be awake when child is up for school. Parent B sleeping while the child is expected to get themselves up and ready and prepare their own breakfast is actually sending a different message than one of “teaching him to be a functional adult”. 11 is still a young age. Whilst parent A cannot control what happens at parent B’s home, I think it’s important that there is consistency regarding the child’s age, if they’re struggling at 11 to wake up, it’s only going to get worse. Teenagers need sleep. I don’t know any teenager that would get themselves up and ready on time in a quiet house while others sleep? Removing tech for 3 days is harsh. Dishing out unfair punishments while lying in your bed is more than unreasonable IMO. I’m not sure what the answer is though as there will be more layers to this than just a difference of opinion.

To miss breakfast now and then isn’t really a big deal. But to want an 11 yr old to get up and ready for school and leave the house alone, with no-one to say goodbye / have a lovely day / check he has everything he needs / is horrible, it sounds really lonely. He’s not even a teen. I think a 40 min walk, alone, is a long walk and too far for an 11 yr old. I would definitely drive him if I could. If there was an easy bus route that would be fine. You’re not pandering to him, you’re looking after him, and you sound like a great mum.

He could have just been given an apple or banana, perfectly acceptable emergency breakfast! Sounds like the parent was stressed but no reason to punish kid with lack of food.

@GwenGhost

tgats what she's doing already.

her second post

Child is Y7 and just started secondary. School is a 40 min walk - about 25 mins alone as friends live closer to school (A drops child to meet friends to walk 15 mins to school)

Both parents are good enough parents.
The child is learning that people are different and rules in every household are different.
Parent A could perhaps keep an Up and Go in the car.
The odd missed breakfast for an otherwise well fed child will not be harmful.
The child will learn different skills in each home.
My sympathies are with parent A but parent B could be doing their best and everyone's best is different.
The child will develop compassion and tolerance, independence, a high self esteem and hopefully empathy.

I think B should make the child get up and do breakfast etc but at 11 he should be making his own way to and from school. Unless it's like an hour away? Surely he can get the bus or walk himself.

@MikeRafone

because some parents are kinder than others. Why make life more miserable for them than it needs to be. It takes a short amount of time before work to drop her DS to meet his mates & then he walks the last 15 with them.

whats to gain by making him walk 30 minutes in the cold & dark, in a not great area when she's happy to do it?

plus she can make sure he's ok for school after staying with his non parenting, bizarre punishment, Dad

B needs to learn to drive and A needs to stop taking to school.

As someone who was neglected as a child, I feel that your son is lucky to have your loving presence. He is probably not lacking in love when he is at your partner’s place but sounds like he is a bit more “secondary” there. Your son will grow up and remember all the kindness he experienced with you.

You could have a conversation with your son about the situation, sort of “deconstructi the two approches”. That way he can see the benefits of being independent with the knowledge that you are there for him while he is learning to be an adult. He is so young! He is have the rest of his live to be a grown-up, but his days as a child are limited.

I wished I had a kind mum like you though! 💐

As long as my kids are in school I’ll be up and around in the morning. At 11 yes they probably did get ready alone but I think B (assume dad) is being too harsh, no doubt to save themselves having to get up.