Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

A is babying a bit but not in a malign way. B’s neglect is much worse.

Mine has got herself up and organised for years, but I always (except when my alarm fails) check that she is awake, even if I go straight back to bed afterwards. (If I don't, she is supposed to check I haven't had an alarm failure!)

Parent A is right, but needs to make sure she is supporting independence where possible. Unless there’s a very good reason for it, almost the worst thing is that B doesn’t bother to get up to see DS in the morning. It’s rather sad. DS will soon be able to decide who he spends time with and might start voting with his feet.

The whole set up is unreasonable.

A and B are too intertwined.

B needs get their act together and figure out how to do the school run themselves when the child is with them.

Same. They learn to manage this stuff over time, in increments, not by being beaten over the head with their mistakes.

Thank you all for your responses, it’s really interesting to read all your views and I do think I probably am too soft (I am A).

I guess my view might be quite skewed as my childhood felt quite neglectful at times. I didn’t have parents to wake me up or who were around in the mornings, so I would get ready myself and walk to school with my siblings from a very young age (6/7) Neither of my parents could drive, I walked to school about the same distance and remember it being miserable in the winter/cold when I was late for school and hungry. So I think part of the reason for me being soft is because I don’t want him to feel like that, but maybe I’m making choices based on how I feel and my experiences rather than his independence so I really do appreciate all of your comments.

For those who mentioned, ex doesn’t pay any maintenance because we’re 50/50. He doesn’t pay towards petrol because it’s “my choice” to drive. He puts towards uniform if I send him enough reminders but it’s always such a hassle to pester and remind on what he owes.

I just feel guilty the thought of him walking to school and his own, and potentially hungry if he’s slept in while I’m around the corner with a car and I am flexible with my working hours so it’s only about 15 mins drive there/back. But I dread to think I’ll be raising a mummy’s boy adult son who expects the woman in his life to do it all for him!!

So B gave no bfast and a three day tech ban NOT for being late but for disturbing their sleep.

If the child has issues with keeping time in the morning then the parents need to be helping him to make sure he gets out the door on time, not having a lie in.

As for not sending them with breakfast even though the other parent has no issues with them eating it in the car, I think that's just cruel

The reason B is not up in the morning/sleeping in is because the baby keeps B & partner awake in the night.

The reason why B can’t walk with child in the morning or get bus with him is because B is seeing to baby so partner can have some time before B starts work (from home).

Actually both parenting styles are as bad as each other.

A parenting style means the child doesn't take responsibility for themselves and deals with the consequences of their actions.

B is too harsh.

I just feel guilty the thought of him walking to school and his own, and potentially hungry if he’s slept in

Unless you and your ex are struggling then your child is not going to starve missing one meal. (BTW It is was an advertising man who came up with the idea that breakfast was the most important meal in the day to sell cereal.)

Also being 11 is the time to start giving him some independence so walking to school on his own or taking the bus on his own to school at that time of day is completely fine.

You're right and B is a wanker

Think you have your A and B mixed up. A is doing all the driving.

OP whether your right or they are right makes no difference, you cannot change the other parent's behaviour.

In a year or so your child will decide with their feet whether they want to continue 50/50 and what house they live in.

If you insist on turning everything like this into a disagreement where you have to be proven right and don't give your child enough independence with responsibility, then your child may decide to live with your more but will be a teenage monster.

11 year olds, in the main are going to get it wrong from time to time. But they're both right parents ARE ultimately responsible AND 11 year olds should be generally getting up and ready on time. But still they learn from getting it wrong. Imperfect mornings are also OK.

An 11 year old can walk 40 mins to school surely? A doesn’t need to be doing this they are being a martyr.

You're not raising a mummy's boy (which is a horrible phrase anyway as it insinuates that boys should not need or love their mums past a certain age).

You're raising a lad who needs some extra support and whose other parent is quite happy to overlook their needs.

You're not doing anything wrong.

Why can't child get the bus to school themselves? However B does need to get up and make sure dc is up and has fed themselves etc as it's basic parenting.

Ah your poor DS. B is a lazy arse and saying it’s to foster life skills is cheeky af.

It’s quite clearly because he himself does not want to get up. Where are his “life skills”?

B's parenting style is to suit his own convenience, not because he thinks what is best for the child. That's the issue.

Glad A decided to pick child up in the end. (iirc?) cos b was a twat and still is.

Yep. Keep cereal bars/drink in the car.

Kids 11 and still needs support.

Kid is nearly old enough to decide where to live. Putting my 10 on betting they'll be back with you soon (a year or so)

I’m not sure what I wrote that gave the impression that everything is a disagreement or where I need to prove I’m right? I’m just a Mum, trying to do the best I can, with very little family or support myself so I don’t really have many people in RL I can share this with. I keep the peace as much as possible, I generally get on with B mainly and I get on well with his partner too.

I was genuinely confused today because I strongly feel that a child should always have breakfast and it’s a parents job to make sure they are up on time. B strongly feels that I am “pandering” to the child. I’m conflicted because I genuinely don’t know what other people do with their 11 year olds, my sons friends all get driven to school/nearby to walk and he doesn’t have any friends who walk 40 mins or get the bus on their own. So I don’t know what is reasonable for his age, hence I’m here showing curiosity and open to others views.

Thanks for your comment though.

The transition to secondary is a common time for parents to start working towards independence in terms of getting to school.

If the family live only a few minutes walk from school this is when the kid starts walking on their own; many primaries teach cycling skills in year 6 because a lot of kids go a a secondary a bit further away where it is a bit too far to walk every day especially if the weather is bad but it's a reasonable cycle.

In your shoes I would do two things -
One get some cereal bars and drinks to have in the car
Two start thinking about how you can build to independence. Can the child cycle from yours and text you when he is there? If cycling isn't a possibility could he do the walk to either/both homes sometimes - this is often when kids talk to their friends and a big social time.

Fundamentally he overslept once. B is dealing with a baby. I personally would be getting up each day to check that the kid had made it out on time but it's reasonable not to, especially at 11 and with a non-sleeping baby.

Stuff like this is why I think it's often really detrimental to older children to have a baby (half) sibling. Too often, they're suddenly expected to be grown up and not need any help. It's really unfair.

I would keep a couple of cereal bars in the car. I also think making your DC's walk shorter when you can is kind and not babying them. You could probably scale back some of the morning reminders, but I would still check they've woken up.

From a young age, my weekends at my dad's house began with my brother and I creeping in the front door, watching TV quietly and then, when the time was right, making him and his wife a cup of coffee and taking it upstairs.

As a young child, I thought this was normal and I kind of enjoyed the responsibility. As I got older I just thought 'he says he misses us, but he's not even pleased to see us when we get here' and as an adult, I haven't had any contact with him for more than a decade.

Kids who grow up between houses already have a harder time than those that don't - a bit of kindness and support goes a long way towards mitigating that, whereas leaving a youngish child to get ready by themselves to accommodate your new partner and baby goes a long way to alienating them and making them feel unimportant.