Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

I can honestly see both sides of this one. Sorry, I know that's no help!

B is clearly the man. What a tosser. He’s 11 poor kid

You are notbabying him. Poor child. Parents should be there to help a child start the day on a good footing with food and company on the school walk. Your ex is a bastard

B has clearly wriggled his way out of paying for child maintenance. He should be doing school drop off on his days. If not he should be paying you petrol money. Why can't he wake his own son up fo school.

B sounds like a tosser that has 'replaced' his older child with a shiny new sibling.
Who the hell stays in bed until 8am when they have a baby and older child at home? He could get his lazy arse out of bed and actually parent his child and make sure he's awake and having breakfast before school.
My 17 year old is obviously capable of getting himself up and out of the door but he has missed his 6.30am alarm on the odd occasion, I still wake him up because why wouldn't I? Why make someone's day harder than it needs to be to prove a point?
B needs to stop being a lazy fecker and actually parent his 11 year old child.

I just figured out to quote (I don’t post here very often! More of a reader/lurker)

Thank you for sharing your experience, it made me well up a bit because this was my experience between homes too.

Taking him to school every day doesn’t directly impact me other than petrol really. I am able to collect him, drop him to meet his friends and be back home with plenty of time before work. It doesn’t inconvenience me, other than the days I collect him and he’s upset because his Dad (B) has banned him off technology for being “1 minute” late (the rule at Dads is to be ready to leave at 7.50) so I then spend the car journey trying to defend his Dad so that I’m not making the situation worse. I always say, well that’s your Dads rules so next time you’ll be on time. Dad doesn’t always lay in, some days he is awake and up with baby.

We did have an arrangement where I would do all drop offs if he supported him with coming back from school/ meeting him half way. Pick ups are more tricky for me with work, but then my son wanted to start going after school clubs so finishing later. Now it’s getting dark, and his friends all get picked up. I don’t live in the safest area either so I would feel uncomfortable/worried at work thinking about him walking home alone. Dad won’t meet him, because it interferes with his work. So I have a choice to let him walk home alone in the dark/ wait for a bus on his own or I wiggle my diary around to be able to pick him up.

B should have more patience and make allowances. DH and I have these conversations about DS1 as I think DH is too soft getting him up and making him breakfast. DH thinks DS1 needs help as he has very busy full on life with job and A levels, works hard etc. But DS1 is nearly18 not 11.

B’s an idiot.

OP he clearly is doing this to avoid paying maintenance the 50/50 isn’t in your sins best interests where his half sibling and step mum are the priorities over him and he is punitively punish for not getting himself ready.

talk to your son as I would change the arrangements to help him and you. And stop defend8ng your ex

B is a lazy fucker and a neglectful parent imo. At 11 children do still need actual parenting. Theres plenty of time in life to be a responsible adult - 11 isn't that time!

I think the child should be living with A full time.

I genuinely don’t know what other people do with their 11 year olds, my sons friends all get driven to school/nearby to walk and he doesn’t have any friends who walk 40 mins or get the bus on their own. So I don’t know what is reasonable for his age, hence I’m here showing curiosity and open to others views.

OP there are literally tens of thousands of secondary school kids catching busses and/or walking to school up and down the country every day, many of them through areas you might not feel comfortable with.

Your ex is taking the piss I think, but more fool you for accommodating him though. I get that you want to ensure your ds is safe but at what age will you think he's independent enough to manage a bus and/or walk to school. I suspect that at least half of his schoolmates don't get lifts to school, that would be utter chaos in the mornings!

Can I also just clarify on what A (me) does in a morning for 11 year old child:

• Asks “are you up?” when on the way to the bathroom (admittedly I might have to repeat this on occasion)
• Prompts child to set visual timer so he can “see” how much time he has to be ready for 8am
• At 8am, when A & child are at the door ready to leave says “have you got your PE kit/ phone/ water bottle?”

Thats all. He makes his own breakfast, he gets dressed himself with the clothes he sets out the night before, he washes/cleans teeth without prompt, he packs his own bag and gets his own things together.

The disagreement is around feeling uncomfortable that child is being punished for accidentally sleeping in, because B had also slept in and doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility for child to be ready/have had breakfast on time. B firmly believes it’s the child’s fault he didn’t get breakfast, because he didn’t get up in time.

My argument is, it’s ultimately the parents responsibility to make sure the child is up and on time, and has had breakfast. I don’t expect him to physically make him breakfast or feed him, but I do expect him to shout up at 7.30 “You up?”.

Im interested to hear others thoughts on what age you think it becomes the child’s responsibility to wake up, get ready and get to school independently without any adult prompts?

Child does not have diagnosed SEN, but does struggle with time blindness/ executive function but is getting better with visual reminders and prompts.

Why wouldn’t you get up with your child and help him start the day well ? What is this world where teenagers are so unloved

I still do this for my 16 year old. Mostly she's up already by the time I check, but occasionally she's slept through the alarm. I feel it's my job to check she's up, make sure she has a packed lunch/breakfast/drink. She takes herself to school but if it's raining or cold and we have the time, she'll get a lift. She's my kid - I want to look after her and see her off to school in the morning. I dgaf if that's babying her, she has plenty of time to be a grown up!

I don’t have a problem with him walking to school or getting the bus with friends, the issue is we live in an area where there are no school friends nearby as we are out of catchment after moving house. So I drive him down to meet up with friends, where they walk the rest of the way.

Most of his friends either walk to school as they live within 10/15 mins. His friends that live further out get dropped off/picked up.

Good question though. I’m not sure, maybe like age 13? I just think he’s a very young 11, very naive, easily lead, gullible, not very street smart. I can just imagine him losing his bag first time he gets on a bus, or getting on the wrong bus, or missing his stop, or losing his phone, getting into trouble on the way home because older kids have dared him to do something. I just don’t think he’s responsible enough yet to manage the whole journey on his own. But the responses here have definitely highlighted that I need to start doing some independence work with him because he’s not just going to become responsible if I drive him everywhere.

@Blueotter22

you sound a lovely mum, giving your son some responsibility but accepting he needs chivvying up

his father sounds awful, and would appear to prefer supporting his new wife and child at the expenses of your joint child

at some point your son won’t want to stay there any longer, and will be old enough to make that decision

you carry on as your are, you are doing nothing wrong

Thank you for sharing your experience, it made me well up a bit because this was my experience between homes too.

I think that's the thing - it's not whether his Dad is building independence or not, it's that he's happy to send his child off to school without making even the most minimal effort to even see him and it feels sad. You value your time with your son and are happy to rearrange things to make extra time for him when he needs it most and your husband not only doesn't but wants to add punishment on top!

I know the conventional wisdom is to avoid bad-mouthing the other parent, but I honestly found it such a relief when my mum finally started admitting that she disagreed with my dad. It made me feel as though I was going mad having this otherwise 'normal' person acting as though his parenting was fine when I felt so sad about him not wanting to see us.

I'm not advising a full on slagging off, but I think it can be helpful to sympathise and acknowledge to some extent that you don't agree with his dad's approach, at least so he understands that you are on his side even if you respect his dad's right to parent the way he does.

11 years old and shuttling between 2 houses. That's really hard. And been ill. Bloody hell given them a break. All this while B remains in bed and partner. No. Not reasonable.

I’d say most 11 year olds still need prompting lots to get into a routine. Leaving a child to their own devices is a recipe for disaster as you’ve found out.

It's obvious you are A so I don't know why you bothered with all that.

At that age I'd get some of those porrige bars in for such occasions

A is doing a better job than B.

Now the dc is 11 I'd scrap the 50/50, tell Child they can (and are welcome to) sleep at either house any night of the week (barring each parent being away).

I know, I was trying to be unbiased as following all of this that happened I had an argument with B on the phone who said that I’m being ridiculous. I wanted honest opinions, and I know on mumsnet a lot of users tend to side with the Mum.

B has a history of making me feel like I’m an overly sensitive person which causes me to doubt myself at times.

I think B is a bit lazy/harsh and you are a little bit soft. A 40 minute walk, assuming it's physically safe (lighting, pavements etc.) is fine for a healthy 11 year old with no disabilities, and you're doing the planet no favours in having lots of unnecessary, short car journeys.

However, as you say, he's 11, he's still learning, and parents should make allowances for when they (inevitably) get it wrong.

I have suggested that child is with me during the week and B at weekends. Both child & B don’t want this, child really does love his Dad even during those stressful mornings he always says it’s not his Dads fault as the baby was awake in the night/ Dad can’t drive/ Dad has to work/ Dad has to look after baby. He gets really upset if I dare say his Dad isn’t doing enough/ it’s his Dads responsibility to make sure he has clean uniform/ lunch/ breakfast (as there’s times he gets in the car and doesn’t have a lunch or he’s wearing filthy uniform) when I raise this with Dad I get laughed at and told to stop being dramatic, it’s only mud on his trousers/food down his blazer.

B is a prick.