Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

he sounds horribly abusive op-theres notng wrong wit taking him part way to school sounds like hes needs extra help

your ex just souunds lie he doesnt want to pay maintenance-his flippant remarks and he doesnt have astma anyway comment is shocking

hes controllng you still by not hving anything in writing so you cant use it n any way

i dont think he gives a shit about his son tbh

The key here is ‘child’. He’s 11 and will benefit from / needs guidance & support to navigate life & the mistakes he makes along the way. Parent B is not teaching him anything positive lying in bed all morning.

I think it's a worthy goal to train your child to be a responsible adult but....
Which of us hasn't overslept an alarm? Or had a partner/family member wake us up on occasion, especially when we're not feeling great.
And when that happens, do we punish ourselves with no breakfast and no screen time for 3 days? There might be a natural consequence of no breakfast, but if we have a job that allows it we'd be 5 minutes late, or eating at our desk, or taking a mid morning break to eat.
I don't understand people who expect children, who have every excuse to still be learning and messing up sometimes, to live a higher standard than they meet themselves.

You're not being unreasonable. Also parent B should grow up and find a way to do school dropoff and pickup instead of using parent A as a driver.

Whether the baby keeps B up in the night doesn’t matter. B has 2 children! B might be watching the baby in the morning so his partner can rest, but imo A is getting a rough deal! Nothing stops B from wrapping baby up in a pram, as many parents do every single day, and walking child to school or at least to meet friends. It sounds to me like B is picking and choosing what parts of being a parent he fancies and the child is impacted, as well as A, who will, quite understandably out themself out to ensure their child is comfortable .. but it feels like A is kind of being manipulated around what B wants

My 11 year old gets herself up, dressed, makes her own breakfast and leaves the house on time. She sets alarms to remind her what time to do things. She walks to the station, gets a train and then walks to school. Her brother (now 14 with diagnosed ADHD) has done the same since he was 11. Kids are more than capable, but will not be if they don’t have to be. Why can’t your child get the bus themselves?? Many others that age do

You kind of gave away that you were A when you described B as getting angry. No way would you describe yourself that way.

B is a lazy twat. Why isn't B taking DC to school on their days of it's really 50/50.

B is neglecting child's needs. Not acceptable to stay in bed asleep whilst an 11yr old gets themselves up and dressed. He could be sick, or he could leave the tea towel over the toaster and burn the house down. 11 is young enough to still require supervision. Also, emotional attachment is lacking. He's not benefitting from the parental bonding, nor being set up well for the day ahead.

If he was 15, different story. But at 11, too emotionally immature to not be damaged by such absent 'parenting'.

Actually, A has a safeguarding position to think about here. Is it safe for child to be there, is he getting appropriate supervision and emotional warmth from B? B would clearly rather be left to their own little family, doing the absolute minimum for their first born.

Yeah a ‘get up’ then a ‘wtf why aren’t you up’ should be an easy thing to do.

but they are also 11, you gotta drop some of the babying.

are they being made breakfast??? Why didn’t an 11yo grab a bag of cereal??? It does sound like kid needs to be growing up more and taking more responsibility. Same with the comment around routine, kid is 11yo not 11 months. They need to be learning to cope!!!

Anybody who co parents has to sort childcare care out and the general duties on their own days. That's the whole point.

Parent A should not be doing all the pickup/drop offs. Because parent B is unable to manage... isnt it just easier to check the child is up by 06.45am instead of rushing?

OP you sound like a lovely mum. I’m shocked at the people saying an 11 year old should be independent! I have taught grades 5 and 6 for over 20 years. (English year 6 and 7) kids vary so much whilst some are capable many are not yet ready. Also those that do manage often would still love that extra bit of support. Come on who doesn’t appreciate a nice hot drink made for them when they wake up.

B sounds horrible to me and I think your poor son is trying to convince himself and make excuses for his dad because deep down he feels hurt. Please OP keep doing what you are doing. In my experience the kids who have loving support fare much better than those who don’t.

B is a dickhead. Child doesn’t need punishment of losing his tech for any length of time because there are already natural consequences: late for school and no breakfast. He made a mistake that didn’t hurt anyone but himself. Also, if your kid has to leave the house by 8am and you’ve heard nor seen him by say half 7 if not before, it’s your responsibility as a parent to go check on them. I check my kids are up and about getting ready for school and the oldest is 16. Not terribly taxing for me or them.

I can't imagine not getting up to at least see my kid out the door. It's one thing for him to get ready and leave alone if parent is already out at work, but I even if I got up for five minutes and went back to bed I'd at least want to say "have you got everything you need, have a great day, I love you"

I get up and wake my 13 yo he does his own breakfast my partner feels he should get himself up he 100% wouldn't/didn't when I tried it parent b is a lazy twat tbh

A and B are taking out their mutual resentment via the little boy. A probably resents B moving on to go and be a stay at home mum, oops, parent, with a new partner. And B feels pissed off that she oops they get the authoritarian role not the kindly liberal one.
With only one or two years left of co-parenting a child rather than a teen, maybe they should stop bickering and enjoy his remaining time as a kid.

How sad to expect a child to get up and ready without any input / time with B. No chance to talk about the day ahead, get reassurance or support in the event of worries.

B is a d!ck and might do well to ask their mum how much input she gave when they were a similar age.

Whilst A can't dictate how B parents their child, the child deserves better.

100% with A. Parent B is lazy, what kind of parent and step parent laze in bed while their child gets themselves off to school, bad parenting, bad example setting!

B is giving their child too much responsibility because they are too lazy to be a proper parent. A is doing a good job!