Co-parenting disagreement - the role of a parent?

[Blueotter22]

Im looking for some genuine honest opinions and I’m going to try and keep my personal feelings/emotion out of it because I’m just interested in what the norm is..

Co-parenting situation: 11 year old boy spends 50/50 split with parents, who live close to each other. Will call parent A & B for the sake of trying to be unbiased. A drives, B doesn’t. A does all school drop offs and pick ups/ fits this around their work diary. B works from home and lives with partner and baby (9 months). A lives alone.

A collects child from the street next to B and takes to school at 8am, every morning when child has stayed overnight at B’s. Child is usually on time every morning, child has some difficulty with time management/forgetfulness but has been trying really hard with his morning routine and there has been big improvements at both houses. Child has been poorly and off school, so returns to school having had weekend + 2 days off (broken sleep due to illness/out of routine). Child woke up at B’s and accidentally turned off his alarm, meaning he woke up at 7.55 when due to be collected at 8. B calls A, and B is angry on the phone saying child has slept in so he’s just getting dressed now and won’t have time for breakfast. A says there’s always time for breakfast, he can bring it in the car. B says no, it’s child’s fault for turning off alarm and this is the consequence. A collects child, child is upset in car saying they didn’t realise they turned off the alarm and consequence is no technology for 3 days. B did not send breakfast for child.

A’s view: At 11 years old, child still needs a parent to help in the morning for prompts and to keep on time. At A’s house, child sets alarm and doesn’t sleep through it. A will call in “are you up” etc. A will get ready for work alongside child, ocassionally prompt “have you got your PE kit” etc or sometimes 5 mins left etc. A thinks B is too harsh, and it’s the role of a parent to make sure their child is at school of time having had breakfast and with the right equipment. A thinks B should set their alarm and get out of bed to make sure child is up.

B’s view: How will child ever turn into a responsible adult if they can’t get themselves up and ready in the morning? B expects child to get himself up, dressed, breakfast on his own while B & partner sleep. Child is responsible for leaving the house on time without B or partner awake. This is building life skills so he is a functional adult. B thinks A is too soft and is damaging child by reminding him and not letting him experience the consequences. Eg; no time for breakfast, you don’t eat.

Who is BU?

For poll: you ARE = Parent A unreasonable
are NOT = Parent B unreasonable

Thoughts/ views/ opinions/ advice - all welcome.

thank you

I'd expect a parent to get up with a child in the morning, unless they work nights or leave before 6am or other circumstances like that.

I'd expect a secondary aged child to make their own way to school, 40 minutes isn't that long of a walk.

If they were to catch the bus, at 11 or 12 I would expect the parent to tell them if they have lost track of time and need to leave now. I would not expect them to give reminders every morning so some days they may need to just grab a piece of fruit and run, or forget PE kit and deal with the consequences.

How convenient that B's life lessons means that they don't have to get out of bed in the morning, totally unintended I'm sure.

I'm all for a child getting themself up but they should not be doing it alone. They need to have breakfast and a chat WITH their parent who them waves them off at the door. What a selfish prick.

He gets really upset if I dare say his Dad isn’t doing enough/ it’s his Dads responsibility to make sure he has clean uniform/ lunch/ breakfast (as there’s times he gets in the car and doesn’t have a lunch or he’s wearing filthy uniform) when I raise this with Dad I get laughed at and told to stop being dramatic, it’s only mud on his trousers/food down his blazer.

I'd say it's the child's responsibility at 11 to let the parent know after school if he needs clothes to be washed sooner than expected. Parent's responsibility to do the laundry for a couple more years at least (some families do their own from teens, some all together). Parent's responsibility to do the food shop, child's to make their breakfast and lunch.

I think theres a middle way here, neither parent is "wrong". A sounds excessively helicoptering. B sounds a little harsh but it really depends how it's done. I think an 11 year old is old enough to take responsibility for getting up and out on time. Yes they will make mistakes and forget things, be late, etc. That's fine, normal and good, he can learn to cope with mistakes and overcome them. As long as the consequences are not going to result in physical harm, it's far better for him to make these mistakes now than when he is an adult. If it turned out that he was late and forgetting things a lot, the parent should help him find ways to improve. I actually think that giving a child this responsibility and independence is going to result in better mental health than acting like you can't trust him and he's incapable. So what if he forgets his PE kit or goes to school hungry once or twice, that doesn't matter in the scheme of things. If there's a genuine safety issue that's different but most areas are safe at 8am even if not at 4 pm.
On the other hand, if B is generally unkind and unsupportive that's different, but your posts don't suggest that.

I agree that somewhere in the middle would be best. A is treating the child like they are about 9, B like they are 13 imo.

B sounds like a shit parent that wants to be ‘done’ with his older child as he’s busy with the younger one.

feel sorry for your son who is hoping for more crumbs from his table.

by driving your son on your ex’s days you are covering up for how neglectful your ex is - which makes it easier for your son to ignore.

tricky though.

what’s your concern about your son walking alone from ex’s?

Id maybe cut down on driving him when he’s not at mine, (so the reality of what Dad isn’t doing for him is clearer) while keeping open the offer of staying at mine more.

But he should have multiple sets of clean uniform? I purposely bought extra uniform as we would always run short/ things being left at his Dads. He’s only at his Dads 2 mornings per school week, he should have enough clean washing for clean uniform.

Child is capable of making his breakfast and lunch, not an issue. But when he’s not up in time and B refuses to make sure he’s awake as it’s “not his responsibility, it’s child’s” then does that mean child goes to school with no breakfast and no lunch?

Mine forgot his key at 11, jumped the gate and sat in the garden for two hours in December. I told him next time he should walk the 10 minutes to the public library as it's warm. He is now 17 and has never forgotten his key again. They learn by making mistakes!

B is a lazy excuse for a parent.

He shouldn't go without breakfast and lunch, surely he can grab a couple of pieces of bread or some fruit on his way out?

If he runs out of time frequently then maybe he could make lunch the night before?

B is being very unreasonable

In fact B is demonstrating low level neglect, leaving an 11 year old to get themselves up and out in the morning while the rest of the household sleeps is unacceptable.

Wouldn’t get into arguments with your ex over any of this: would keep snacks in car just in case and teach DC to do / dry laundry in case he needs clean clothes for the next day or whatever when he’s at his dad’s.

Agree that this aspect of B’s parenting seems poor and self serving.

He has walked on occasion when I’ve been away and can’t drive him. It’s been fine, the issue is me I’m realising. My son will message me goodnight and say I love you so much mum, I’ll see you in the morning. And I don’t have it in me to say love you, you can walk tomorrow - when he knows that I’m just around the corner and I can drive him, making his morning less stressful.

He's heading towards teenager territory and this is the time most parents start giving them more independence, and yes that does mean that they have to take the consequences.

The point is that they learn on not terribly important consequences. So (for example) a child forgets their key, and has to wait for a parent to get home. They are unlikely to forget again, and it also helps build reliance on themselves to figure a way out of a situation. (Eg maybe I could go to the library down to road to wait for mum).

In the next few years you do need to stop doing so much for him. He needs to experience some level of independence and within that has to be making mistakes.

Where you would be reasonable is to put in place things that support that independence. So give him an emergency tenner so that if he forgets his lunch he can buy some either from a shop or the school canteen. Buy some cereal bars for him to have as back up food.

But he needs to grow towards independence and coping on his own with daily life, and age 11 is normal to start this process in the U.K.

His dad is being overly harsh, but equally you are babying him.

At age 11 it is a joint responsibility between him and his dad or his mum depending on house to get him out of the door in the morning. It's certainly not just his dad's responsibility.

B is no good as a parent, horrible, lazy man.

I agree that the not being awake with the child in the morning is neglectful. A parent getting up after the child and seeing them off would be fine as long as it is part of the time.

My son is 12 and has autism, he attends main stream secondary but I do everything for him from waking him up, to reminding him how long he has, to remember to brush his teeth, shower, use deodorant, check homework and diary, pack correct pe kit depending if indoor or outdoors. Make his lunch, do his water bottle and pack it all in his bag.
every morning I check he has a fidget toy, his bus pass, lunch card and his time out card all in his coat pocket.
he has no concept of time and doesn’t understand his timetable, I’ll always encourage him and ask what he needs to do next but also as I’m getting him up im doing my daughters clothes and lunch and getting myself ready for work, surely it’s part of parenting

I work from home and I wouldn't have plenty of time to do this. I get a 15 minute break in the morning and a 15 minute break in the afternoon and a 30 minute break for lunch time.

Child’s father is clearly a lazy selfish wanker. Can the child not get a bus?

but, i make sure my children are awake in the morning then leave for work. From year 7 they get themselves up, washed and dressed, they get their own breakfast and make their own packed lunches. They then get the bus to school. Theyve only missed the bus once and that was the dog’s fault.

does the child want to be 50/50 in two houses? Youd be better off stopping that, getting a bas pass and maintenance.

Your ex sounds like a wanker.

He’s clearly only faking 50:50 to avoid maintenance. So given you’re doing way more than 50% already, the only question is whether your DS really enjoys and benefits from overnights in the week with his father. Because contact is for the sake of the child, not the parent. Have you asked DS?

Sounds like it will be better all round if he cuts back to EOW.

I’d also be interested in how much quality 1:1 time he gets with his father because this is really important. And I say this as a stepparent.

I agree. Could b drop the child off before bed?

You slipped up with details so I know you’re A!🤣 but I agree, he’s 11, still needs reminding imo.

I think actually you do need to mark out your time and his time and treat it accord8ngky at the moment you are stepping in to help. Let B do it his way on his day’s