Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

214 replies

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 08:25

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/11/2023 08:27

Email her back and confirm that she means £20 limit between her household and yours. If she replies and says no it's for mum and dad/sister/brother as well then reply and say oh sorry no I already shopped for them and I don't want to limit myself.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/11/2023 08:28

Just do whatever you want for your parents and do the £20 limit with her, accepting that’s what she will do with you

Bogeyes · 27/11/2023 08:28

If she want to limit the cost that's up to her. Don't let her interfere with your plans.

ShirleyPhallus · 27/11/2023 08:28

You say “wasn’t clear and I wanted to clarify, happy to do £20 limit between me and you but I’ll likely treat mum and dad with more after their tough year. Can’t wait to see you for Christmas!”

MojoMoon · 27/11/2023 08:28

Email back and say you misunderstood the system she was proposing?

Reiterate that you don't want her to spend much/any money on you and you do not expect a gift from her at all but that you don't agree to be limited on what you choose to spend on her or on your parents.

CatonmyKeyboard · 27/11/2023 08:29

Just spend £40 and don't send her the receipts!

UnremarkableBeasts · 27/11/2023 08:30

Just email back saying that you’re happy to agree that you will stick to her budget when buying for her (and are happy for her to set that budget for what she buys for you) but you’d prefer to set your own budget when choosing what to buy for other people.

Separate out her needing to limit her spending from her wanting to control what everyone else does among themselves.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/11/2023 08:30

I’d propose secret Santa to spend £30
on one person.

MitchellMummy · 27/11/2023 08:30

Just give your parents the extra presents after Christmas without your sister there. A little bonus for them and doesn't upset your sister.

Goodornot · 27/11/2023 08:30

I'd tell her she doesn't need to buy you a present as she is on a low income. You will happily dispense with presents between each other but you'll spend what you usually do on your parents.

Ragwort · 27/11/2023 08:32

In general terms I think that's a reasonable (& very sensible) suggestion ... can your DM & DF have 'joint ' gifts .. or could you be a bit sneaky and just give an extra gift to your mum in the lead up to Christmas saying something like 'I know DSis asked us to stick to the £20 rule but I really wanted to buy you this book' or something like that.

I think it's very hard for the least well off person to raise the subject so if it was me, I would respect her choice. (Even better in our family we have stopped presents for all over 18s!)

Ohtobetwentytwo · 27/11/2023 08:32

I'd call her and say you've seen something you want to get for parents. Its £40 so does she want to go halfs?

Otherwise tell her you'd prefer she spends the total £40 budget on your parents so that you are treating them equally and that you are not wanting presents from her. That way she isnt going over her £40 budget.

Alternatively, give your parents a £20 show gift and something else privately.

GreatGateauxsby · 27/11/2023 08:33

She's clearly strapped and doesn't want her gifts to look scrimpy compared to others.

Either:
do what the windows do and buy silly /funny little gifts
OR
Secret Santa everyone gets one good thing
OR
Buy whatever you want and tell a white lie.
"I can't believe I stayed in budget, I managed to get a black Friday" or "someone listed it on vinted and it was LESS than X INCLUDING postage"

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 08:33

Your sister can’t dictate what you decide to do with your money, nor how much you are allowed to spend on your own bloody parents. If my brother did this to me, I’d laugh and tell him to do what he wants with his money but to stfu about mine 😂.

Marblessolveeverything · 27/11/2023 08:33

It really depends on your relationship with your sister. You could say you agreed between yourselves, and give additional presents discretely to your parents?

MilkChocolateCookie · 27/11/2023 08:35

I think stick to the budget for Christmas and then give your parents a little "new year's treat".

mondaytosunday · 27/11/2023 08:36

Why can't she spend what she can and you spend what you want? My sister at times has earned far less than me, and at times more. We don't limit what we spend. In fact if either of us is feeling the pinch the other might give an extra gift, like a facial or something. What you give other people (family) is totally your own choice. Surely as adults she's not going to think her parents will judge her?

Ohtobetwentytwo · 27/11/2023 08:37

Id strongly suggest being graceful and either doing a seperate private present or sharing a gift as it's more tactful but if you really dont want to and would rather it be obvious on christmas day that you can spend more than her, then I'd text her something like "shit, this is really awkward but I've just remembered that ove ordered X for mum and dad. Hiw do you want to handle? Could do it as a joint gift?" And leave ball in her court.

LaurieStrode · 27/11/2023 08:37

ShirleyPhallus · 27/11/2023 08:28

You say “wasn’t clear and I wanted to clarify, happy to do £20 limit between me and you but I’ll likely treat mum and dad with more after their tough year. Can’t wait to see you for Christmas!”

Or let her off the hook by suggesting the two of you skip the exchange this year.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 27/11/2023 08:37

Your sister won't (or doesn't need to) know what you spend on your parents presents.

Do what you like but keep within sisters budget for her present.

Biscuits ) consumables sounds like a perfect idea, useful, appreciated, enjoyed and well within budget.

user96327888 · 27/11/2023 08:37

Don't tell white lies or give extra gifts in secret.

Spend what you want on your parents.

You could email confirming that you'll stick with £20 for your presents to one another.

If you keep up the pretence then she will continue doing it. Stop it in its tracks.

Sirzy · 27/11/2023 08:38

I would suggest to her that you don’t give each other presents to save buying unnecessarily.

YireosDodeAver · 27/11/2023 08:38

I would assume she means per household in terms of the giver, not the gift. So she intends to spend £20 on her mum, £20 on dad, £20 on you etc and is asking that other gifts exchanged are of a similar magnitude and that your parents don't "cheat the system" by giving gifts worth £40 and saying that's £20 from mum and £20 from dad.

Potentialmadcatlady · 27/11/2023 08:40

‘Oh sorry I didn’t realise you meant Mum and Dad are included in this too, sorry but I have already purchased their presents for this year’

user1492757084 · 27/11/2023 08:44

I would agree to the limit for you and your sister's households but not for your parents.
If you think your parents, too, would appreciate the limit then that will leave you spending more on them than they on you.
If that happens you will need to be sensitive.
Will they be embarrassed?
Possibly they have no idea of what you spend on them and they will be happy and none the wiser.

Swipe left for the next trending thread