Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

[ImTheGoat]

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

I think that’s a tactful way of handling it @ImTheGoat as long as your parents don’t make a big fuss about it in front of your sister.

People saying “you can do what you want” are rather missing the point, in my opinion. Of course you can do what you want but it’s nice to be nice and anyone that doesn’t have financial worries at Christmas is lucky & should try to be thoughtful about others in a less fortunate situation.

Another one who agrees with this.

I can’t believe this. You ought to
tell your sister that she need not bother getting you a gift and to save her money.

You buy her and your parents wth you like!

No need to dance around her wants and needs.

I guess we do tend to dance around her wants and needs. She has mental health difficulties so we do try to help her as best we can.

I'm sure my parents will be discreet about the Christmas eve boxes.

@ImTheGoat has she actually stipulated that you shouldn’t spend x on your parents? Only because if i phrased it like that (£20 per household) I would assume that it just means between the giver and the receiver.
we do this for my sister because she’s single and we’re a family of 5. It gets expensive for her so we set a limit of £50 per household rather than £20 per person- meaning that she doesn’t have an outlay of £100 whilst we only have £20. This doesn’t affect what my parents spend, we spend on grandparents or other sibling (who has a family too so we tend to do a token for the adults and presents for the kids)

Reading some of these comments I'm so glad that, years ago, we all agreed on no Christmas presents other than token consumables - booze, chocolates, home-baked goods, a chunk of Stilton...

But it's not that simple is it?

In my circle, yes. It really is that simple.

If you give someone a gift, most people will feel obliged to give one back.
That is self-imposed obligation, thus not my problem. People make their own choices and can choose to respond how they wish. I have no control over other people’s reactions or choices thus I don’t stress about it.

Because you've both spent £X and ended up with an item chosen by the other which may be unwanted or unsuitable.
That doesn’t happen in my circle because I only buy what I absolutely know the people I buy for like, need and want. I don’t buy needless tat because I think carefully about it. For example, I have got my (adult - shock horror!) brother a ps5 game out of a list of options he gave me. He doesn’t generally buy games for himself because of the cost, so getting one for Christmas is a nice treat for him. I’ve got my step niece and nephew stuff I know they like, will use or need, and which I have chatted to my SIL about. Etc etc.

Plus they have to pretend to like whatever you've given them and then either display, wear or use it, or they'll give it to a charity shop, and either way they'll feel guilty about the waste of money/resources and irritated about the extra mental load of dealing with buying gifts and getting rid of unwanted ones.
Again, I buy useful and wanted items, not crap. The ‘guilty’ thing is also self-imposed, which I can’t control, so I’m not going to stress about how others create all this unnecessary drama and stress for themselves.

So while you might think it's a thoughtful, generous gesture, many don't agree and would prefer not to bother at all. In your world perhaps. Not in mine. If people feel guilty or stressed or pressured instead of grateful, happy and cheerful, that’s their issue and they’ve chosen to feel those things themselves. It has nothing to do with me. People need to take more personal responsibility for their emotions and reactions to things.

Just say sorry but I've not been able to stick to the limit we've agreed. Prices have gone up such a lot this year.or just don't say anything. Its not as if prices are on things.

I would just say to your sister you already bought your parents presents before she discussed a spending limit with you. Tell her you saw a few nice things on offer so you bought them for your parents.
Tell her as well that your happy just getting a small gift or a gift worth X from her using the limit she set. Ask her what she like for that limit. If you have a partner or kids you could say to her well a tin of sweets always go down well here. She not arriving empty handed and a tin of sweets is not expensive.

Why should you give your elderly parents a poor present to suit your sister? If she wanted a certain spending limit to happen she should have spoken to you sooner.

I would just say to your sister you already bought your parents presents before she discussed a spending limit with you. Tell her you saw a few nice things on offer so you bought them for your parents.
Tell her as well that your happy just getting a small gift or a gift worth X from her using the limit she set. Ask her what she like for that limit. If you have a partner or kids you could say to her well a tin of sweets always go down well here. She not arriving empty handed and a tin of sweets is not expensive.

Why should you give your elderly parents a poor present to suit your sister? If she wanted a certain spending limit to happen she should have spoken to you sooner.

How are you old enough to be on the internet but not to know Christmas is a traditional gift-giving event?

Not sure if it's something you would consider, but my family started doing a secret Santa style thing for Xmas a few years ago and that really helped with keeping the budget affordable for everyone.
The idea was that it was better to get 1 present with a bigger budget than lots of small ones (which everyone found frustrating in the first place as the giver).
If you did this, it would make a nice 60£ budget per person, and it would be affordable for everyone including your sister. You can always treat your parents for their birthday?

£40 isn’t much more than £20, can’t you just buy like normal and if she says anything just say you got it on a deal?

Ah, missed that update!
I think the Xmas eve boxes are a lovely idea!

The thing is, she is saying £20 per household, so £10 each for mum and dad. I usually spend £40 each. Too big a difference to hide or wave away with black Friday sales.

There are also 364 other days of the year when you can treat your mum after "everything she's done for you".
And I'd argue giving her a gift on one of those days would mean more than just giving her one because "Christmas is a traditional gift-giving event".

With regards to my age - I'm old enough to not feel I have to be gratuitously rude to strangers to make myself feel better.

@ImTheGoat If your sister is having issues with budget at Christmas, honestly that is understandable and nobody NEEDS to give anything to anyone, you have given her some ideas and said that she doesn't need to be extravagant or anything with you, but seriously she can't control what others do. If this approach of hers is all about making herself feel better, that's crap honestly and very dismissive of you all in terms of how you want to treat your parents at Christmas.

Just tell her that you respect her wishes and that she honestly doesn't need to get you or your H anything, that you would far rather enjoy time with her and that she honestly has nothing to worry about. HOWEVER, your parents have done a lot for you, you do want to get them something and you don't want to be confined to £10 each as that doesn't sit right with you.

Stand up for yourself a bit.

It's OK for her limit of spending to be 20.00 per family . What others choose to spend is not her business. But don't make her feel bad that she can only spend 20.00

You could argue that but you'd be wrong. And lol that you think your reply was polite.

Dsis can't police what you wish to spend on your parents!
She can ask for £20 between your household and hers if you want to do that
Or she might welcome you agreeing to skipping presents between you

This

Tell her that you will appreciate whatever she can afford to get for you, as will your parents, but you don't feel it's up to her to dictate how much you are allowed to spend.

You replied agreeing.
Now you want to quibble.
Just do what you want and don't tell her.

Offer her money if you are in the position to do so. It can be your gift to her. As Christmas draws closer, you are don't feel happy about this restriction regarding mum and dad, it is ok if she wants to but you're out of the plan.

She wouldn't accept money from me. She's actually cancelled lunch with me recently because she says she couldn't afford it. I offered to pay but she said no.