Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

[ImTheGoat]

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

You could do Advent gifts for your parent. Number them 1,2,3,4 and they can open one every Advent.

Exactly this!

Why not just email saying you’ll happily observe that limit in your present exchanges with her but that your present-buying for your parents is separate and you’ll do what feels right for you on that front. You just have to be straightforward and pleasant about it, and if she has an issue then it’s her problem not yours.

Secret Santa is the way to go. Only buy 1 present within the family within DS budget. You can do something separately with DP. She sounds like she's really struggling, esp that she's emailed all this and not spoken to you.

I was in a similar situation with my dB a few years ago. I'd had a good year financially, he hadn't and my parents had had a rubbish year. I felt like they needed spoiling, but didn't want him to feel bad that he wasn't able to do the same. I snuck a "big" present to them the week before Christmas and asked them not to talk to my dB about where it had come from. I then did secret santa as usual with our family.
Ironically this year its been the other way around and my dB has had no issue at all with being very vocal about being able to spoil our parents this year so don't know why I bothered really 🙄

My sister is doing a budget as she doesn't earn as much. I earn more and only saying as it's relevant.
But I told her is she is fine to spend what she likes but I'm spending what I like. It will be more but I don't care. My sis means a lot to me.

We are both completely fine with that. And we both get to spend what we want. She's always thoughtful in gifts and to me that means more than cost.

Just talk to your sister. Say she can do what she wants and you do what you want. Then everyone gets what they want and no hard feelings.

Surely the limit only relates to you and her and your parents and her, not you and your parents? Although they may feel bad to buy more for you and yours than they do for her so it’s tricky.

It's Christmas, you are an adult, as I was told, she is not the boss of you. Do what you want, certainly as far as your parents are concerned.

I think it is reasonable for her to request a limit between other people and herself, but she can’t impose a limit on what other people spend on others.

For example when I was a student I was utterly skint and I told my family not to get me anything that year as I couldn’t get them anything. It did not occur to me to tell them that they couldn’t buy gifts for each other. In fact, is it possible you have misunderstood and she meant to do similar to what I did?

I think it depends how much you would normally spend and what the relationships are like.

You could tell a white lie about getting an amazing bargain if you weren't planning to spend much extra, but that won't work if you were planning to spend a lot more.

You could suggest both chipping in for Mum and Dad and you will stick a bit extra in.

You could suggest no presents between you and just buy for Mum and Dad if that makes it closer to what you wanted to spend.

You could stick to the budget but have a pre-christmas outing with your parents and treat your parents to dinner or tickets or something.

You could agree to the budget between you but tell a white lie that you have already ordered for your parents and gone over budget.

Spend what you want then tell her it was all on sale!

Some people are genuinely struggling and I think their wishes should be met .
why don’t you suggest you don’t buy for each other at all
we shopped buying for siblings and nephews and nieces ( once they hit 18 )
a few years ago now
everyone is happy with this

Why do people allow themselves to be dictated to? I’d say ‘£20 limit? Fine’ - then I’d go ahead and do exactly what I want.

Your sister does not dictate to you. No idea why people are suggesting you email her to clarify/justify anything. Don't do that.

Just spend £20 on her, then spend as normal on everyone else.

If she says anything after then say you assumed you meant your gifts between the two of you as obviously it's not her place to dictate to you how much you spend on others.

Why is she even spending £20 on adults presents, what a waste of money

I would most def spend as much or as little as a choose myself!

YANBU £20 between you and her household. You can spend what you’d like on your parents and she can spend what she would like.

You could get your parents a fancy advent calendar, so not actually a Christmas present. Then spend £20 on each parent and £20 on her for Christmas presents.

Why don't you agree that you don't need to give each other anything this year and that you'll club together to get something really nice for your parents instead.

I like this idea

I really don't understand why one person's budget dictates another's. Spend what you can afford and let her do the same. In fact, why not email her back and say "let's not bother with Christmas presents, let's spend the £20 on going out for a drink and spending some time together".

No it's not reasonable. It's very reasonable for her to say limit to £20 for each exchange she is involved in but she doesn't get to dictate what other people do. And sneaking extra gifts is just ridiculous and silly.

OP should tell her sister she respects her wish to limit exchange with her to £20, but she has no say in what she gives to their parents. Frankly her sister doesn't even have to know how much or what was given.

Sister is perfectly reasonable to set her budget - £20 for sister and parents' households. That's her limit and it should be respected and reciprocated. And you don't need expensive presents to have fun - winter fairs, winter walks, mulled wine, jigsaws xmas music and films. However, the sister cannot dictate how everyone else spends their Christmas budget. And seriously, if in awkward situation, go buy tickets for a commedy night/play/concert/day at theme park - an activity, where the main value is in participating and making memories.

This ^

Did u get gifts?