Page 7 | Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

ImTheGoat · 2023-11-27T08:25:53+00:00

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this? It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her. I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair. DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same. The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

Deathwillbebutapause · 27/11/2023 19:48

Sounds like someone withdrawing / spiralling into despair. Poor DSis. Christmas is so hard when everyone else seems full of cheer (and cash), and you've got fuck all.

chattyness · 27/11/2023 20:07

Why not suggest you both just buy for your parents and not each other? That way you can both spend more on them, if she has a moan about what you buy for them , just tell her you shopped around, made the most of your budget and were able to get some good deals soit all cost less than it looks.

mezlou84 · 27/11/2023 20:16

I would say, you did mean between us not everyone else because I have plans for mam and dad etc but I don't mind the limit on us 2.

Dotcheck · 27/11/2023 20:26

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/11/2023 08:27

Email her back and confirm that she means £20 limit between her household and yours. If she replies and says no it's for mum and dad/sister/brother as well then reply and say oh sorry no I already shopped for them and I don't want to limit myself.

Yep

Abbyant · 27/11/2023 20:41

£20 doesn’t get much other then toiletries or chocolate these days, just tell your sister your happy for her to stick with that but you want to spend more on your parents because frankly it’s none of her business what you spend anyway.

MeridaBrave · 27/11/2023 20:43

I’d only spend £10 or her and whatever you want on your parents and later say you just thought the £20 limit was between your household and hers.

flowerygloves · 27/11/2023 20:46

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 27/11/2023 08:27

Email her back and confirm that she means £20 limit between her household and yours. If she replies and says no it's for mum and dad/sister/brother as well then reply and say oh sorry no I already shopped for them and I don't want to limit myself.

This. You can agree £20 for her and you but she gets no say in anything else

flowerygloves · 27/11/2023 20:46

chattyness · 27/11/2023 20:07

Why not suggest you both just buy for your parents and not each other? That way you can both spend more on them, if she has a moan about what you buy for them , just tell her you shopped around, made the most of your budget and were able to get some good deals soit all cost less than it looks.

Or this?

Terfosaurus · 27/11/2023 21:03

housethatbuiltme · 27/11/2023 09:30

I never get all this gift giving bullshit... its made so commercial and heartless when people do this.

No gift giving has a budget dictated by others... buy whatever you want and can afford too.

Someone saying 'you must spend £20 each on my 3 kids' or someone saying 'you can only spend £10 on your parents' doesn't matter... they don't control YOUR budget.

I would spend like £15-£20 on family in the past, many of those family members (like male siblings) spent £0 on me and thats absoloutly fine... it never needed discussing. I buy the gifts because I want too.

I agree with this.
I buy presents for the people I want to buy for. And I spend what I can afford.
If they don't buy anything for me then that's fine. That's up to them.
If they spend more than me I don't feel bad for being poorer than they are. They choose how much to spend, the same as I do.

My brother talks a lot about how much he spends on other people. And how that makes him such a good son/Grandson. I'm pretty sure I love our parents/grandparents as much as he does. Money doesn't equal love.

YerArseInParsley · 28/11/2023 00:46

@ImTheGoat

She's clearly set £20 per household so she gets £20 but you and your husband have to share £20. You should have said to her no, £10 per person not £20 per household.

Regarding your parents, you do what you want. Why you so afraid to tell your sister you are spending more on them? They are your parents fgs and she has no say.

I did try to set a limit with my sister per person as I have less money but she said that doesn't bother her, she will spend more on me if she wants. There are 6 in her family (plus our mum)and only me and my son so I'd be out more money anyway. I don't do per household I do per person. Sounds like your sister is trying to get more money for herself or she thinks she's to get the same amount back as she's spending on you and your husband, it's 2 of you 1 of me kind of thing.

Dustybarn · 28/11/2023 04:54

I think your sister doesn’t want to be embarrassed at the present exchange, so I’d stick with her budget as agreed. But maybe have a lovely hamper delivered to your parents just after Christmas with all the seasonal goodies that they can enjoy by themselves over the holidays?

Stressedoutmammy · 28/11/2023 06:40

Spend what you want and just tell her you had some fantastic Black Friday deals! Who knows what you actually spent?

ExtraOnions · 28/11/2023 06:47

We are all adults now, we do “secret Santa”, so you only buy for one person, with a £30 limit. It’s mostly fun stuff people get…
When it stated it was called “austerity Christmas”, but now it’s just what we do.
Takes a lot of pressure off

FaiIureToLunch · 28/11/2023 06:51

My sister tried this once. We ignored it 😂

Thatswhy11 · 28/11/2023 06:58

Just tell your sister you want to stop gifts with her and give her a box of biscuits for her house. As for your parents buy then whatever you like.

SwishSwashSwooshSwersh · 28/11/2023 07:15

Email her back and ask if she’s any ideas for the £20 gift exchange between you both. You’ve bought some x for your mum, you’re keen to spoil her after so much illness

CleverLilViper · 28/11/2023 07:28

Whatever you do, don’t try and be sneaky about it.

None of this nonsense about Christmas Eve boxes, sneaky presents before or after Christmas to hide it. That makes your parents complicit in the lie and if it gets found out it’ll likely hurt her more than if you were upfront in the first place.

Just tell her straight. You’re happy to stick to the £20 between you and her, or you’re happy if she wants to save money and not give a gift. But she can’t decide how much you spend on your parents. That’s up to you.

I often spend way more than my brother does at Christmas because I’m a Christmas nutter and love buying gifts. But we don’t view it as a competition. Just because I buy more and spend more doesn’t mean we don’t love our parents equally. We just have different hobbies😂 mine is shopping 😁😂

If we started to get into the childish comparisons it’d end up ruining everything. We don’t sit there and tot it all up to find out who spent what. We get spoilt at Christmas so I like to do the same.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/11/2023 07:58

Just remember with the per household thing, I think you'll think your sister comes across and stingy as she gets a while £20 present but people in couples only get £10 each, but when you do family holidays or weddings she will have to pay double what you two do each as no one to split hotel room, taxi fares etc with

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 28/11/2023 08:06

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 11:45

Thanks very much for all the responses. I really like the idea of giving what I want to my parents but not on Christmas. I've decided I'm going to send them Christmas eve boxes (I'll need to post them as we don't arrive until Christmas afternoon and my sister arrives Christmas morning). Within each box will be the books they each wanted and some chocolates. Then on the day I can give them each an additional small £10 gift in front of my sister. It's not breaking the "rules" and it means everyone gets what they want - sister parents, and me. Ideal.

Secret santa wouldn't work for us as I would hate not to give my mum anything she would be quite hurt also. And she really enjoys giving something to us. We're not the type of people where big piles of presents are a thing. Mum gets us a surprise that she enjoys picking out, and we get her things she wouldn't buy for herself. And dad has now started saying what he wants also but wouldn't be able to afford. Also my parents provide the Christmas dinner - it's nothing elaborate, just a roast chicken with potatoes, veg and cranberry sauce. So basically they spend money on the things that make them happy (food and gifts for us) but still also get the things they would like!

It works for all of us except my sister. I do understand that she feels bad she can't give as much as we can and it must not be very nice at all to feel like the poor relation. I do see her side of things.

I also like the idea of my sister and I not buying for each other in theory. In practice though I think she'd actually be hurt. I'd rather she just baked me and DH cookies or something- I don't want her spending money on us. But I want to give her a little something as a token that I care. She has issues with her mental health that also play into all of this, plus she's single. The only gifts she gets are from me and mum. And she's told me what she would like (generally category) and I've bought it so too late now anyway.

I personally dislike this idea.

it feels really disingenuous and your argument is based on a mere technicality. “Technically” not breaking the rules is about as meaningful as somebody “technically” not cheating.

simply tell your DSis that you thought the rule was between her household and yours and not about your parents. Which would be reasonable when one considers that they will spend more than £20 in total on Christmas presents and hosting!

If you truly can’t be honest, you could claim that this was obvious (to you) because you already bought the presents for your parents and because your parents will be spending more than £20 as well…

Calliopespa · 28/11/2023 08:21

CleverLilViper · 28/11/2023 07:28

Whatever you do, don’t try and be sneaky about it.

None of this nonsense about Christmas Eve boxes, sneaky presents before or after Christmas to hide it. That makes your parents complicit in the lie and if it gets found out it’ll likely hurt her more than if you were upfront in the first place.

Just tell her straight. You’re happy to stick to the £20 between you and her, or you’re happy if she wants to save money and not give a gift. But she can’t decide how much you spend on your parents. That’s up to you.

I often spend way more than my brother does at Christmas because I’m a Christmas nutter and love buying gifts. But we don’t view it as a competition. Just because I buy more and spend more doesn’t mean we don’t love our parents equally. We just have different hobbies😂 mine is shopping 😁😂

If we started to get into the childish comparisons it’d end up ruining everything. We don’t sit there and tot it all up to find out who spent what. We get spoilt at Christmas so I like to do the same.

I really agree with this. It’s not such an unreasonable act that you need to be sneaky about it - but going behind her back is more of an issue. I’d just front up. Do it her way between your households and each do what you like with your parents. Op, you said you tend to tiptoe round her because of MH issues. Believe me things will turn nasty if she finds out about the sneaky hamper etc. I’d feel patronised and grumpy yet I don’t have MH issues, nor am I used to people tiptoeing round me. But if she is, all hell will break loose. It’s also just sn unpleasant position to put your parents in.

Fairtobefairohhhhhc · 28/11/2023 09:31

Just dont tell her how much you spent. I'm sure you parents will like whatever she gets them and won't be bothered if it cost less

ellie09 · 28/11/2023 09:38

To avoid this, next Christmas suggest a Secret Santa for the adult family members.

My family has grew and grew since little ones have come along. My sisters are now all 16+ (I have 3 sisters) and it was becoming far too expensive spending individually.

I still buy individual presents for parents and my surviving grandparent and my down syndrome aunt. Then the kids. Me and my sisters do a secret santa with a £30 limit which saves us all so much money and we all generally get a better quality gift rather than stuff we dont want.

I will be suggesting the whole family does it (bar the kids) next year if costs continue to rise with a £100 limit so each family member gets a higher value present.

Yoyoban · 28/11/2023 09:43

Has she actually stipulated that she expects you to keep to the budget for your parents as well? Because otherwise I would assume she just meant between your household and her household. My siblings and I do similar with each other, but it doesn't affect what anyone spends on our parents

ManateeFair · 28/11/2023 10:05

For many years I was the skint one in the family at Christmas, and couldn't afford to spend much on each person. More than once I suggested to my brother/sister that we stick to a limit for each other - basically because I didn't want them spending twice as much on me as I could spend on them, as I felt embarrassed getting back more than I could give.* However, I would never in a million years have suggested that they shouldn't spend whatever they wanted on other people! It wasn't for me to say that they couldn't spend £50 on my mum and dad just because I could only afford a tenner.

silverthimble · 28/11/2023 10:21

Yoyoban · 28/11/2023 09:43

Has she actually stipulated that she expects you to keep to the budget for your parents as well? Because otherwise I would assume she just meant between your household and her household. My siblings and I do similar with each other, but it doesn't affect what anyone spends on our parents

Yes, what did she actually say in the email? Surely it's just easier to clarify now that you meant it's fine between you and her but you will spend a bit more on your parents.

I also don't think the 'per household' thing is unreasonable. As others have mentioned single people often have to buy 2 gifts for couples and get one in return. If you and your husband are spending £20 between you on her and she is spending £20 on you and your husband then she is not getting double what she has spent she is just splitting it between you.