Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

[ImTheGoat]

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

If you know she’s struggling this year why not just say ‘ shall we leave buying each other this year and then you can spend the £20 you were gonna use for our presents on a nicer gift for mum and dad’

We have a similar situation with a sibling who cannot work due to severe mental illness. We buy 'joint' gifts from the 3 of us for parents and sometimes it's £20 each, other times, and other sibling and I will put in much more, depending on gift. Next year is a big birthday for one parent and we're planning a short break and party on the day with all from nds and family. It will be a gift from all of us, even though 2 of us will be paying for most of it. We have waaaaay more funds - it's only fair.

Are your parents hosting? Stick with £20 limit for Christmas gifts, then bring extra gifts for your parents as hosts.

I don't think it's any of her business what you spend on other family members. I wouldn't dream of asking my brother how much he spent on my Mum and Dad. I would spend whatever you like on your parents and if she confronts you about it, just say "Oh, I'm sorry, I though that was an arrangement you were making between yourself and other family members. I'd rather we keep what we give our parents separate."

It might be a waste to you but believe it or not, some family like getting each other presents.

Just let people do what they want to.

There’s some good suggestions on here to work around your sisters rules and still giving your parents a gift you want but why dance around her? Why not just say to your sister you agree to spend no more than £20 on each other/household but your not including your parents in this as you would like to buy whatever it is you want to buy. I can’t understand how anyone can dictate what someone should spend on someone else, fair enough she hasn’t much money but you don’t have to agree to anything you don’t want to

I think you should just be honest. Let your sister pay what she is comfortable with and you can do the same. If she can’t afford to spend more that’s her choice but that doesn’t mean you need to limit your spend. £30/£40 doesn’t get you much these days, I think a £10 limit would be really hard.

Is this just for both of you, or is she proposing that your parents also stick to the rule?

Just say you got most things from a charity shop and therefore are still within the budget she set.

Thanks again for all the replies. I stuck to the decision I made in my last post and have now sent Christmas Eve boxes to my parents with their main gifts inside. I know some people didn't like that idea but for me it felt like the best solution. My parents won't mention it to my sister. For those who couldn't fathom why we sometimes tiptoe around my sister in our family - it's due to her mental health difficulties. Be glad you don't understand!

Glad you found a solution.

Give some thought to protecting your own MH from hers when your parents eventually pass.

So much tip toeing around a sibling like that can make life very difficult for those left behind to deal with.

Don’t let other people decide what you spend on third parties. It’s ok to agree £20 between you and your sister. But spend what you like on your parented. It’s none of her business.

Parents

Scrap it altogether. No adult needs a present cos it's Christmas. Too much stress.
I'll spend x on you, you spend x on me pointless.
Buy what you need for yourself.