Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

[ImTheGoat]

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

It’s not fair that she gets double what everyone else is spending on them.

Message back and say it needs to be per person (£5 or £10 each).

Or do what my family do and do a secret Santa between you all and have a limit of say £20.
That means that everyone will get one present worth £20 but you’re all only paying out once, instead of £20 per person which adds up.

If you want to get your parents an additional gift then just give it to them in private, without her knowing.

Just agree. She has no say how much you spend on any other household. Between your households fine. She's probably just making sure it's clear she's not meaning that she will spend £20 x 4 for arguments sake on Christmas presents for your family and getting one £20 present back.

There is absolutely no way I would be dictated to in the circumstances you describe.

This is you treating your mother whom doesn't have much and no doubt looks forward to your thoughtful gifts.

Email your sister again, if picking up the phone is an issue.

Apologise to your sister for your hasty response. Tell her you absolutely appreciate that things are very difficult for so many and to forgo any gift to you, but you will NOT be curtailing the small pleasure your mother gets from the gifts you give her.

Upon reflection I would be pissed off with her request. It's a selfish request and I simply wouldn't entertain it.

Thd alternative is acquiesce to this and give your mother New Year day gifts as an extra treat that you picked up in the sales.

I would be cautious going forward with your sister and her requests going forward. That one when it involves your parents isn't fair.

It could lead to resentment from you.

This^

Just agree to do no gifts with her. There's nothing worth buying for a tenner and £20 the price of bog standard gift. You buy for your dps and do gifts when she's not around.

I'll spend what I want, DB can spend what he wants on our parents. They don't care or compare, all presents are appreciated

Maybe say you won't stick to 20 per household but can do 20 per person? I don't see why she should feel uncomfortable anyway as she's already happy to receive a better present than your parents individually as hers will be twice the value.
I would be just saying I'll buy them what ever I want to but if not could you give them something else before or after Christmas?

I'd tell her not to bother with gifts for you and to concentrate on your mum given the circumstances.

If you are getting your mum considerably more than her then perhaps you could give her the bigger present Christmas eve or later in the day (if you will all be together for gift opening?) That way she doesn't need to feel she didn't do enough and you still get to gift as you please.

Nothing will stop you treating your mum ... except the fact that it's not Christmas? If you want to treat your mum, then treat your mum. You don't have to wait for a specific day.

Don't do bloody gifts amongst adults at all. It is so childish and landfill is getting full.

This is a sensible method I think - being clear that you don't want her to give you a gift at all if that's a financial burden.

I would go back and say you've thought about it and it doesn't really work given the 'per household' idea. When the households are not even both in number and in financial ability.

Appreciate her budget is £40 and suggest she buys you/dh a bar of chocolate or similar token and spends the rest on mum/dad and you will figure out your own spends. It is all about embarrassment and saving face and that will be really hard to get around without causing further embarrassment.

When do you see everyone ar Christmas- could you just avoid doing a focused gift exchange at all - make the centre of the day dinner or something else?

She probably feels like shit that she has less money than you and feels guilty you spend more. Just change it to £10 per person and that is a nice compromise. It's horrible always being the one that looks stingy at Christmas and it really makes you uncomfortable. Just help her feel better this year and buy your mum a gift whenever you like AFTER Christmas when your sister won't be there to see it

Give a smaller present to your parents in front of sister but give whatever else you buy away from her.

If we did that here no one would get a gift!

For family and friends we do children only but for our household we are all adults.

😂
If I want to buy people (adults and children alike) gifts I will, and nobody is going to make me feel bad for doing so. All this dictating by people about what others should/shouldn’t do with their money is what is childish.

She has no right to tell you what to give to other people just because she can’t afford to match your gifts. Assume it is between your household and hers and do whatever you want for your parents

Just tell her you’ve already done your Christmas shopping and misunderstood the email.

You know you can give your parents gifts at any time don't you?

Means so much more if you give someone a gift when you are not expected to.

Buy 3 for 2

£20 on mum, £20 on dad, sisters free giving you an additional £20 to split between parents for the usual you’d spend, take advantage of discount deals today as cyber Monday.

Just bend the rules slightly essentially and you can keep to budget but also spoil your parents how you want to.

I would go back and say "sorry, I misread and thought you meant £20 per person, £10 per household isn't going to work for me as I want to get mum a couple of books etc. Not going to go mad but more than happy for you to stick to £20 per household"

I was half joking, calm down everyone. But think about all the stress, expense, paper, sellotape, bags, that not buying presents (for adults) would do to save your pocket and the planet.

None of our adults do gifts anymore and that's going back years. We are not fighting, no MIL issues, no controlling parents/partners/siblings and so on. We see each other regularly and get along quite well, as most people do. Birthday gifts and celebrations are what we concentrate on, as they are personal to the recipient, and they have centre stage for that one day all to themselves.

Christmas is a bit of a frenzy and sometimes the thought and expense of a gift gets lost in the mayhem, or the appreciation only lasts five minutes, and it's on to the next gift. Just my feeling anyway.

I often feel the bigger and more expensive the gift, the greater the guilt over something.

But it's not that simple is it?

If you give someone a gift, most people will feel obliged to give one back. So it turns into you choosing how they spend their money. Because you've both spent £X and ended up with an item chosen by the other which may be unwanted or unsuitable.

Plus they have to pretend to like whatever you've given them and then either display, wear or use it, or they'll give it to a charity shop, and either way they'll feel guilty about the waste of money/resources and irritated about the extra mental load of dealing with buying gifts and getting rid of unwanted ones.

So while you might think it's a thoughtful, generous gesture, many don't agree and would prefer not to bother at all.

It's none of her business what you spend on your parents, just ignore and spend what you see fit.

Just a present from each of you for your mum, maybe your dad, agree no one else perhaps?