Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

[ImTheGoat]

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this?

It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her.

I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair.

DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same.

The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

She can’t dictate what you choose to spend.

Absolutely reasonable for her to set expectations now between you both but not for what you choose to get your parents.

I understand that she may feel the pressure to compete but honestly- you’re all adults. It’s not a competition.

Id just send a clarifying email that you’ve agreed to the limit between you and her but not to the limit between you and your parents as you’ve already bought.

Don’t try and be “sneaky” with it as that will just ensure that this continues to happen when you don’t want it to.

I'd message and say that you're happy to limit it to £20 between yours and her household but you don't want to do this for others.

Me and my brother have a kind of similar arrangement, we are both fairly skint and so we do presents for each others kids but not each other/our partners, I still buy for my mum & dad as usual, I have no idea how much he budgets for their gifts and he doesn't know what I spend

Reply to her and say you are not willing to limit what you spend on your parents but are happy to forgo gift giving between your household and hers if that makes things easier for her as there is nothing you really need or want.

Just do what you want, stick to the the limit for her, but buy what you want to buy for your parents and say you’d already bought parents’ gifts.

or plead ignorance or that you didn’t read the email well enough or forgot.

OP, spend whatever you want on your parents. Don't give presents in secret like what other posters have suggested. Suggest to your sister that neither of you should give each other presents this year.

I'd say agree with your sister that between you both it is 20 per household. But what you spend on your parents is up to you.

This

I never get all this gift giving bullshit... its made so commercial and heartless when people do this.

No gift giving has a budget dictated by others... buy whatever you want and can afford too.

Someone saying 'you must spend £20 each on my 3 kids' or someone saying 'you can only spend £10 on your parents' doesn't matter... they don't control YOUR budget.

I would spend like £15-£20 on family in the past, many of those family members (like male siblings) spent £0 on me and thats absoloutly fine... it never needed discussing. I buy the gifts because I want too.

I second saying you have already bought for your parents.

A lot of all this uncertainty can be avoided by picking up the phone and speaking to each other or if you live nearby meet in person. Emailing is ridiculous.

But on the matter of presents. She can't expect to have any say about what happens between you and your parents. There's nothing wrong with you spending more on them than she does if you want to and can afford to and likewise there is nothing wrong with her spending less, especially as you say she doesn't have a lot of money and lives alone, so she is paying all household costs from one income.

However, she should be able to be able to choose how to spend her limited disposable income on you and your parents and it is also reasonable to make this known in advance, in case you also want to stick to the same budget so you don't make things awkward by spending more than she does.

Or you could, radically, decide not to exchange gifts at all. Because even at £20, you either risk spending money on things that aren't wanted, or you have to get into the ridiculous charade of sending each other links of what you want as a gift and when you get to that stage, it's totally pointless and you might not bother and just buy the thing yourself.

You have agreed it so stick to it. Changing your mind after confirming in an email will cause more upset.

I think you need to be more sensitive to your sister’s financial situation and keep to the £20 household limit as agreed.

Why should the OP's parents miss out because one of their children is on a low income?

Nothing would stop me treating my mum after everything she's done for me.

Just do the £20 with your sister and buy everyone else what you want.

Also if my sibling was worried about fiances and I knew they where panicking about gifts I would tell them don't worry about getting me a gift.

Or if I knew they would INSIST on it tell them you are cutting back on clutter and suggest something pretty cheap and consumable that you want... maybe like one of those big toblerones or a body spray that can be got for £3-£4.

It sounds like your sister doesn't have much money, and having been a SP most of my children's childhood, and now living alone, I can't help but empathise with her. My sister, happily married all her adult life, has a lot more money than me, and has always been able to give fabulous presents. I've learnt to live with it, but to be honest there were times when I would really have appreciated a per household cap. I don't think you're being massively unreasonable, not at all, but perhaps you could try the cap this year and see how it works out?

Not really I spend FAR more now that I'm not single.

Single I bought for... mam, dad, brother & best friend.

Now I buy for... my 3 kids (so a hell of a lot more right there), DH, 5x nieces and nephews, PIL, B/SIL, brother and until very recently my mam and dad too.

Its not transactional but out of that I get something back from DH and MIL (my mam did always buy me something too, but we lost her this year).

Everything increased 10 fold since not being single but I'm not 'rolling in gifts' lol, the only thing that stopped was me buying for best friend.

I don't understand the need for everyone to spend exactly the same, it's not about an equal exchange it's about giving to loved ones. That's different for everyone depending on their means. Secret Santa with work or a hobby group is a fair enough place for a spend limit, but within family it seems odd to me, you might as well just all spend that amount on yourselves!

Since you've already agreed I'd do what others suggest and email to clarify that it's between you both, but maybe in future tell her not to worry about a limit, just do what she can manage

Could you do mum and dad a Christmas eve box instead?
PJ
Slippers
Hot chocolate
Chocolates
Good book.

Then get them some little bits for Christmas day.

As others have said, I'd simply say you agreed between your house and your sisters but you don't want a limit for your parents. It's reasonable of you to not want to stick to a budget for your parents set by your sister, I understand she probably feels a lot of pressure and upset that everyone else might spend loads on each other and she can only spend very little, but that's something she needs to work through herself, there's no reason she should feel bad, Christmas shouldn't be about how much people spend on each other. But if you start this this year, it'll only be expected next year too.

Just don’t tell her what you are spending? As long as you don’t get your parents a massive sackful of presents when she just has biscuits, how is she actually going to know what you have spent?

I’d believe two books and some bath stuff could plausibly come in around £20, or certainly under £30. It could also come in around £50 depending on the brand, but if she goes around with a calculator, she is looking to be offended.

Yes I agree. It’s really tempting to give to your parents privately but if she found out she would feel it was massively patronising that everyone “pretended” to go along with her plan. It also puts your parents in a compromised situation as they have to keep it from her too. I also wouldn’t pretend to have misunderstood as she might detect that is disingenuous too. Just say you agreed but having thought on it you don’t want to do that but could you compromise by not gifting between her and you and DH. That would leave her more budget for your elderly parents if she felt she had to keep pace with you ( which is ridiculous btw. Families know of and understand different circumstances).

Well to avoid rubbing her face in it, I'd agree to the limit and just treat your parents another time when the difference between what you can afford won't be so obvious. Christmas is just one day, you can treat your parents anytime.

Why would you tell her how much you spent? Can you not give a token gift infront of her to your parents and whatever else you want to give, do in private.

You've agreed to it now so you need to stick to your word.

But there's nothing to stop you giving your parents gifts or taking them for treats in the run up to Christmas. In fact they might enjoy this a lot more. Plus it wont make things difficult for your sister who is obviously struggling.

Problem solved.

I'd spend what I want on Mum & Dad, tell her that I wouldn't bother with her & she shouldn't bother with me & my husband & she can put that towards M&D instead.