Page 5 | Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

ImTheGoat · 2023-11-27T08:25:53+00:00

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this? It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her. I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair. DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same. The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

GreenDay9irl · 27/11/2023 11:11

Why should OP hide extra presents to her parents just to appease her ds. She can spend what she wants on her DP.
DS is a bit cheeky knowing she gets the better deal. What would be better would be £10 per person but instead she gets more than everyone else.
i would spend what I like on my DP and keep the limit for DS

Mulhollandmagoo · 27/11/2023 11:11

Could you maybe gently suggest to your sister that you/Dh and her don't exchange gifts this year? she is obviously a bit strapped for cash, so you will be doing her a favour.

Tell her you have already bought your parents gifts this year.

ConfusingTrousers · 27/11/2023 11:17

You could always give her some money.

Pipsquiggle · 27/11/2023 11:18

This is what we do in our family and TBH it's a game changer and sanity saver.

Each adult gets allocated 1 other adult to buy for:
e.g. I will buy for my dad, someone else buys for my mum, someone buys for my sister etc.
You buy 1 present and set a spending limit e.g. £50 (that's what we do but equally could be £20)
The person you buy for could tell you what they would like or they get a voucher or wine .........

It's honestly a great system. We all have enough 'stuff' already and we get what we want. It actually saves money as you only buy 1 present for someone.

FrillyGoatFluff · 27/11/2023 11:19

Say you got it in the Black Friday sales - 50% off, what a bargain!

greenacrylicpaint · 27/11/2023 11:26

some of my family are struggling financially this year so we decided to do secret santa for adults for 20-30 each plus a limit on presents for dc of the same value.

such a relief all around.

cottonstar · 27/11/2023 11:29

It’s likely you’ve got the wrong end of the stick and she means between your household and hers. She can’t tell you what to spend on your parents and it’s between them and her if they decide to stick to that budget too.

I think it’s sensible suggestion. This year my sibling and I have agreed to only buy for the DC, though I will still give my parents presents. None of us spend more than £20 on each other anyway, it’s more a token.

FrostieBoabby · 27/11/2023 11:32

I would suggest you and sister stop buying for each others households, release her from that financial pressure and spend the extra and your parents.

Bit of a cheek demanding you limit your parents budget to £10 each but DS still gets a £20 gift 🤣

FreshWinterMorning · 27/11/2023 11:32

I think it's a bit late in the day now to suggest a budget! It's December on Friday! But if I were you @ImTheGoat I would suggest not buying at all after this year. Buying gifts for everyone your are related to needs to stop, it's too stressful. (And expensive.)

My 3 female cousins were disgruntled some years ago when I wanted to stop buying for their 13 children (between them,) but I stuck to my guns and didn't buy. (After over about decade and a half of buying for all their kids!) Especially as the one - who has 7 - never bought for my two. Not even a £2 selection box each. I spent some £100 between the 7. I must have been mad. I was turned into a people pleaser by my dominant and critical mother. It felt so liberating to be able to say 'no, no more.'

Just stop buying gifts for everyone. Just your partner and your children, and maybe your parents. That's it.

1stTimeMama · 27/11/2023 11:37

PostItInABook · 27/11/2023 08:33

Your sister can’t dictate what you decide to do with your money, nor how much you are allowed to spend on your own bloody parents. If my brother did this to me, I’d laugh and tell him to do what he wants with his money but to stfu about mine 😂.

This was my thought too! Just spend whatever you want on other people, and stick to £20 for your sister.

user1497207191 · 27/11/2023 11:38

I suggested to my sister to stop all presents between us. It had become a fiasco anyway. Far easier just not to bother. OH has agreed the same with his brother.

We have moved over to token gifts between OH and I and for our son, whose now an adult himself. It's all a pointless and expensive waste of time buying random stuff for each other than we could easily just buy ourselves when we want things.

Christmas is for young children, not adults!

LuluBlakey1 · 27/11/2023 11:38

I wouldn't do what she wants. I'd email her back to say 'I am happy for you and I to do this between us but I want to treat mum and dad at Christmas. If you want to, spend the £20 you'd spend on me on them too so you can spend £20 each on them. I don't mind at all. I will be getting mum and dad what I had already planned.'

CleverLilViper · 27/11/2023 11:40

BarbaraofSeville · 27/11/2023 11:06

But it's not that simple is it?

If you give someone a gift, most people will feel obliged to give one back. So it turns into you choosing how they spend their money. Because you've both spent £X and ended up with an item chosen by the other which may be unwanted or unsuitable.

Plus they have to pretend to like whatever you've given them and then either display, wear or use it, or they'll give it to a charity shop, and either way they'll feel guilty about the waste of money/resources and irritated about the extra mental load of dealing with buying gifts and getting rid of unwanted ones.

So while you might think it's a thoughtful, generous gesture, many don't agree and would prefer not to bother at all.

Show quote history

So they should say that at the start shouldn’t they?

Mental load- FFS.

tpa · 27/11/2023 11:40

Who the fuck is she to dictate what you give your parents. That’s nothing to do with her.

she can have a 20 limit with you and a 20 limit with her parents. I just can’t understand why she thinks she can dictate a limit for you to give your parents

Original poster

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 11:45

Thanks very much for all the responses. I really like the idea of giving what I want to my parents but not on Christmas. I've decided I'm going to send them Christmas eve boxes (I'll need to post them as we don't arrive until Christmas afternoon and my sister arrives Christmas morning). Within each box will be the books they each wanted and some chocolates. Then on the day I can give them each an additional small £10 gift in front of my sister. It's not breaking the "rules" and it means everyone gets what they want - sister parents, and me. Ideal.

Secret santa wouldn't work for us as I would hate not to give my mum anything she would be quite hurt also. And she really enjoys giving something to us. We're not the type of people where big piles of presents are a thing. Mum gets us a surprise that she enjoys picking out, and we get her things she wouldn't buy for herself. And dad has now started saying what he wants also but wouldn't be able to afford. Also my parents provide the Christmas dinner - it's nothing elaborate, just a roast chicken with potatoes, veg and cranberry sauce. So basically they spend money on the things that make them happy (food and gifts for us) but still also get the things they would like!

It works for all of us except my sister. I do understand that she feels bad she can't give as much as we can and it must not be very nice at all to feel like the poor relation. I do see her side of things.

I also like the idea of my sister and I not buying for each other in theory. In practice though I think she'd actually be hurt. I'd rather she just baked me and DH cookies or something- I don't want her spending money on us. But I want to give her a little something as a token that I care. She has issues with her mental health that also play into all of this, plus she's single. The only gifts she gets are from me and mum. And she's told me what she would like (generally category) and I've bought it so too late now anyway.

OP posts:

Underparmummy · 27/11/2023 11:48

Just buy what you want to buy everyone! If she moans and you cab with arguing tell her Black Friday was good to you this year.
She sounds a controlling pita.

daisychain01 · 27/11/2023 11:49

Id just buy presents that ensure each of your family members has something nice to open and don't get hung up on it being exactly £20. It's probably just a guideline so your sister doesn't feel she has to keep up with presents like a Cartier watch or a new Smartphone etc (just examples, don't take literally!)

I'd be glad it reduces complexity and time - just get each person to ask for a simple item and job's a goodun

Tessabelle74 · 27/11/2023 11:49

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 11:45

Thanks very much for all the responses. I really like the idea of giving what I want to my parents but not on Christmas. I've decided I'm going to send them Christmas eve boxes (I'll need to post them as we don't arrive until Christmas afternoon and my sister arrives Christmas morning). Within each box will be the books they each wanted and some chocolates. Then on the day I can give them each an additional small £10 gift in front of my sister. It's not breaking the "rules" and it means everyone gets what they want - sister parents, and me. Ideal.

Secret santa wouldn't work for us as I would hate not to give my mum anything she would be quite hurt also. And she really enjoys giving something to us. We're not the type of people where big piles of presents are a thing. Mum gets us a surprise that she enjoys picking out, and we get her things she wouldn't buy for herself. And dad has now started saying what he wants also but wouldn't be able to afford. Also my parents provide the Christmas dinner - it's nothing elaborate, just a roast chicken with potatoes, veg and cranberry sauce. So basically they spend money on the things that make them happy (food and gifts for us) but still also get the things they would like!

It works for all of us except my sister. I do understand that she feels bad she can't give as much as we can and it must not be very nice at all to feel like the poor relation. I do see her side of things.

I also like the idea of my sister and I not buying for each other in theory. In practice though I think she'd actually be hurt. I'd rather she just baked me and DH cookies or something- I don't want her spending money on us. But I want to give her a little something as a token that I care. She has issues with her mental health that also play into all of this, plus she's single. The only gifts she gets are from me and mum. And she's told me what she would like (generally category) and I've bought it so too late now anyway.

This is the perfect solution! Have a wonderful Christmas 🎄

IncompleteSenten · 27/11/2023 11:50

It's a limit not a target. Spend a tenner on her.

Tessabelle74 · 27/11/2023 11:51

Underparmummy · 27/11/2023 11:48

Just buy what you want to buy everyone! If she moans and you cab with arguing tell her Black Friday was good to you this year.
She sounds a controlling pita.

So you'd be happy to let your sister feel crap ilon Christmas day because you want to feel like the big I am? Luckily the OP is a lot nicer to her siblings than you

Sofita90 · 27/11/2023 11:53

I would say your parents are not kids to wait the gift on Christmas day , buy from now to your parents whatever you think they need i.e the books for your mother and send them to them without being a Christmas gift...is just a gift. No need to mention I give it now because bla bla gift them what you want now or after the holidays and on Christmas day with your sister exchange nice cute gifts like beauty products .. an aftersave for dad and nice socks or body mist for mom . I wouldn't want to bring your sister in uncomfortable position and you can gift to your parents whatever you want all year around no need to do on Christmas day

Underparmummy · 27/11/2023 11:54

Tessabelle74 · 27/11/2023 11:51

So you'd be happy to let your sister feel crap ilon Christmas day because you want to feel like the big I am? Luckily the OP is a lot nicer to her siblings than you

Show quote history

I wouldn't have let her dictate what I buy people for gifts to start with.

Tessabelle74 · 27/11/2023 11:57

Underparmummy · 27/11/2023 11:54

I wouldn't have let her dictate what I buy people for gifts to start with.

Show quote history

She's told her sister she's struggling this year, how is that dictating? It's not hard to just agree to the limit to make another person feel better is it? You've clearly never been the one left feeling guilty and uncomfortable because others have spent more than you and it shows in your attitude, along with anyone else that has commented the same, yours was just the first one to still comment this way AFTER the OP has outlined her perfectly lovely solution.

caringcarer · 27/11/2023 12:04

I'd just get your Mum something nice. If your sister asks just say you spent £20 and say you got it heavily reduced in a sale. You forgot where you got it now. You got it Months ago. Or give your Mum and Dad smaller gifts but then treat your Mum to a voucher in January she can spend. No need to mention it to your sister.

Calliopespa · 27/11/2023 12:04

ImTheGoat · 27/11/2023 11:45

Thanks very much for all the responses. I really like the idea of giving what I want to my parents but not on Christmas. I've decided I'm going to send them Christmas eve boxes (I'll need to post them as we don't arrive until Christmas afternoon and my sister arrives Christmas morning). Within each box will be the books they each wanted and some chocolates. Then on the day I can give them each an additional small £10 gift in front of my sister. It's not breaking the "rules" and it means everyone gets what they want - sister parents, and me. Ideal.

Secret santa wouldn't work for us as I would hate not to give my mum anything she would be quite hurt also. And she really enjoys giving something to us. We're not the type of people where big piles of presents are a thing. Mum gets us a surprise that she enjoys picking out, and we get her things she wouldn't buy for herself. And dad has now started saying what he wants also but wouldn't be able to afford. Also my parents provide the Christmas dinner - it's nothing elaborate, just a roast chicken with potatoes, veg and cranberry sauce. So basically they spend money on the things that make them happy (food and gifts for us) but still also get the things they would like!

It works for all of us except my sister. I do understand that she feels bad she can't give as much as we can and it must not be very nice at all to feel like the poor relation. I do see her side of things.

I also like the idea of my sister and I not buying for each other in theory. In practice though I think she'd actually be hurt. I'd rather she just baked me and DH cookies or something- I don't want her spending money on us. But I want to give her a little something as a token that I care. She has issues with her mental health that also play into all of this, plus she's single. The only gifts she gets are from me and mum. And she's told me what she would like (generally category) and I've bought it so too late now anyway.

Won’t you have to ask them not to mention the Christmas Eve boxes? Which forces them to be a bit clandestine ( in itself unchristmassy?). And what if your sister finds out? I personally wouldn’t have dove what she has and suggested what others should do, but if I had and thought it was agreed, I would feel really annoyed if I discovered about them - much more annoyed than if you just upfront you were going to get more for your parents. I’d feel like the kid whose parents ate the confiscated sweets after I had gone to bed ( mine did that once! Said we had all eaten too much junk over Christmas - they really meant we children had - and they were going in the present box to give as gifts. Got up for a drink and found them guzzling them!)