Page 2 | Sister wants £20 limit "per household"

ImTheGoat · 2023-11-27T08:25:53+00:00

My sister doesn't earn a lot of money and has asked that we set a limit of £20 "per household" for Christmas presents this year. AIBU not to want to do this? It's just my sister and our parents plus me and my husband. Sister lives alone. So according to the rules she's suggested I can spend £10 on each of my parents but £20 on her. I don't care at all about the value of presents I receive however I like to treat my parents at Christmas. Nothing outrageous, usually about £30-£40 each person. My mum has had a bad year health wise, she's elderly and I don't know how many more Christmases she's got. I usually get her a couple of books she requests plus another little something. She doesn't have a lot of money to spend on herself so I ask her what she would like and get it for her. Then I try to spend about the same on my dad and sister so it's fair. DH and I exchange gifts separately at home so that's not an issue. And if my sister didn't want to spend much herself that's totally OK and not a problem. I've told her I'd be really happy if she made me something- I suggested some biscuits for my husband and me as a household and my mum and dad have said the same. The problem is when she emailed to request this £20 per household limit I emailed back immediately and agreed because I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Now I'm regretting it. AIBU and what should I do?

LolaSmiles · 27/11/2023 08:44

Could you suggest not doing a present exchange as siblings this year? Or could you confirm that this was between her household and yours?

I don't think she gets to say what you spend on your parents.

kitchenhelprequired · 27/11/2023 08:45

Your relationship with your parents is nothing to do with your sister. It's up to you what you spend on them and between you and them. DSis can agree a limit between you and her and separately between her and her parents if she wants to but unless you go down the family secret Santa route for everyone she needs to stay in her lane.

Goldx2 · 27/11/2023 08:47

Just tell her you have thought about it and you have changed your mind!

Mystero · 27/11/2023 08:47

Were your parents part of this conversation too, and have they agreed? Maybe give your mum or dad a ring and see what they privately think.

Edited to remove a longer and more convoluted post - I think the simpler suggestions from PPs are better.

Kendodd · 27/11/2023 08:48

I wonder if she is just skint and doesn't want to be embarrassed by bigger gifts? Or she may feel pressure to 'compete' with what you get your parents? Why don't you just talk to her about it. If you want to get something expensive for your parents, can you make it a joint gift from you and your sister?

Catza · 27/11/2023 08:51

Not another one! Do you provide receipts with every present? Who are these people who go and investigate how much their present cost? Obviously, don't buy your parents a Ferrari but is there really much difference between a £20 and £40 present for people to even notice?

howsaboutit · 27/11/2023 08:52

I think as the person with less money she has been very sensible in proposing this option, basically saying I can only afford to spend x amount on each person so would also only like to receive gifts of this value myself. However I can understand you wanting to spend more on your parents.

Could you propose to do secret Santa? We have a large family of mostly adults and do this every year with a £50 budget for each participant. It means people get a decent gift (and not lots of bits of tat) but no one has to spend beyond their means or feel worried that they’re not able to gift to the same value they’ve received as everyone is stuck to the same budget!

Mikimoto · 27/11/2023 08:54

Say "Oops! I thought you meant per person per day. For the 12 Days of Christmas".

SuspiciousSue · 27/11/2023 08:58

She’s only requested it, you don’t have to agree to it. The fact she can’t afford more isn’t your problem. Don’t be dictated to. Is she going to start telling you that you can’t go out to eat just because she can’t afford to 🙄 😆

shepherdsangeldelight · 27/11/2023 08:59

Present buying is annoying if you are a single person.
Potentially your sister has to buy 4 presents (both parents, you, your DH) and she'll only get 2 presents back (one from each household). I know gift giving is not meant to be reciprocal, but you do end up spending more than anyone else in this arrangement.

I'd suggest the best option in your situation is for you to tell your sister that you want to spend more on your parents so suggest that you don't buy for each other/get token gift and put the difference into nicer gifts for your mum and dad.

Mariposista · 27/11/2023 09:01

Potentialmadcatlady · 27/11/2023 08:40

‘Oh sorry I didn’t realise you meant Mum and Dad are included in this too, sorry but I have already purchased their presents for this year’

This. Sounds like your mum deserves a nice Christmas

howsaboutit · 27/11/2023 09:03

shepherdsangeldelight · 27/11/2023 08:59

Present buying is annoying if you are a single person.
Potentially your sister has to buy 4 presents (both parents, you, your DH) and she'll only get 2 presents back (one from each household). I know gift giving is not meant to be reciprocal, but you do end up spending more than anyone else in this arrangement.

I'd suggest the best option in your situation is for you to tell your sister that you want to spend more on your parents so suggest that you don't buy for each other/get token gift and put the difference into nicer gifts for your mum and dad.

I also agree with this. When I was single I’d buy separate gifts for my brothers and their partners and for my Mum and step-dad but wouldn’t receive as many gifts back. I’d have a gift from “mum and step-dad”, a gift from “brother and partner” etc. Of course everyone says you don’t gift to receive but if you’re short on cash and buy gifts as you feel you have to, it does sting a little to have spent relatively more than most and end up receiving the least!

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/11/2023 09:05

CatonmyKeyboard · 27/11/2023 08:29

Just spend £40 and don't send her the receipts!

This. If she queries it, just say "No, I got it for £20."

SisterMichaelsHabit · 27/11/2023 09:05

It's a limit not a target. Either go along with it and spend £10 on everyone including her or spend £20 and ignore the limit.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 27/11/2023 09:08

howsaboutit · 27/11/2023 09:03

I also agree with this. When I was single I’d buy separate gifts for my brothers and their partners and for my Mum and step-dad but wouldn’t receive as many gifts back. I’d have a gift from “mum and step-dad”, a gift from “brother and partner” etc. Of course everyone says you don’t gift to receive but if you’re short on cash and buy gifts as you feel you have to, it does sting a little to have spent relatively more than most and end up receiving the least!

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Yes. I usually buy joint presents for couples since I know they’ll give me a joint present in return. It’s fairer.

Namechanged0987654 · 27/11/2023 09:08

“Happy to do £20 between us yes. Only got your present left to sort now - already got for mum & dad. See you soon!”

Imagwine · 27/11/2023 09:09

shepherdsangeldelight · 27/11/2023 08:59

Present buying is annoying if you are a single person.
Potentially your sister has to buy 4 presents (both parents, you, your DH) and she'll only get 2 presents back (one from each household). I know gift giving is not meant to be reciprocal, but you do end up spending more than anyone else in this arrangement.

I'd suggest the best option in your situation is for you to tell your sister that you want to spend more on your parents so suggest that you don't buy for each other/get token gift and put the difference into nicer gifts for your mum and dad.

This

StaunchMomma · 27/11/2023 09:10

I think I'd accidentally-on-purpose misunderstand and just stick to £20 for her gifts.

Get whatever you want to for your parents, it's not her business what you choose to gift them.

HamsterBanana · 27/11/2023 09:11

I'd do it so she doesn't feel bad, but I'd also secretly gift your mum & dad the extra presents and ask them to open when sister isn't around. I'm sure they'll understand. X

margotrose · 27/11/2023 09:12

What you spend on your parents is none of her business. If she wants to limit herself to £20 that's up to her.

Thegoodbadandugly · 27/11/2023 09:14

Maybe she doesn't have much money, give your parents what you want to give them then give your sister £10.

PaterPower · 27/11/2023 09:17

Can’t you give your parents some of their presents earlier, when she’s not there? Or after she’s left?

That would make her feel a little less like you’re trying to out-do her, whilst ensuring you give what you’d like to.

SunshineAutumnday · 27/11/2023 09:18

Maybe you could suggest your DS puts her £20 per household for your parents to you and you buy the presents from both of you - with her adding £20 contribution that she can afford.

As someone who has a sister that ALWAYs has to get the better present, spend more money, advises there's a budget and ignores it. ALWAYS without fail highlights that she is better daughter at all times. It's very tiring and annoying. I refuse to have any part of it.

SawX · 27/11/2023 09:20

howsaboutit · 27/11/2023 09:03

I also agree with this. When I was single I’d buy separate gifts for my brothers and their partners and for my Mum and step-dad but wouldn’t receive as many gifts back. I’d have a gift from “mum and step-dad”, a gift from “brother and partner” etc. Of course everyone says you don’t gift to receive but if you’re short on cash and buy gifts as you feel you have to, it does sting a little to have spent relatively more than most and end up receiving the least!

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But it was your choice to buy presents for individuals. After the first year you should have bought them joint presents.

Twiglets1 · 27/11/2023 09:22

I think you need to be more sensitive to your sister’s financial situation and keep to the £20 household limit as agreed.

You could always cheat a bit by buying your mum a non Christmas gift in the new year “just because “… but right now the most important thing is for your sister not to feel worried about not being able to afford Christmas or feeling bad if she gives everyone smaller gifts this year.

Surely you can give your mum other gifts after Christmas without your sister even knowing, if that’s what you want to do.