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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

225 replies

curlymam · 15/11/2023 10:13

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

OP posts:
Radiat · 15/11/2023 10:16

She’s specifically asked not to do it for kids this year, I’d respect that. At a push I’d get them a box of Quality Street or something to share, but no more.

What makes you think she won’t tell her children you aren’t doing a gift exchange this year?

Wishimaywishimight · 15/11/2023 10:16

Listen to what she has said - she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, it's quite clear.

Regardless of your good intentions, if you buy presents for her children, you will embarrass her and you will be telling her that her feelings / requests do not matter.

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 15/11/2023 10:18

Absolutely respect her wishes. I imagine she is probably a bit embarrassed to have had to ask so whilst I understand you feeling a bit mean I think it's better to leave it for this year

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 15/11/2023 10:18

YABU, but I would ask her to explain to the children.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/11/2023 10:19

Respect her wishes. Maybe take them out for a day later in the year?

ExcitingRicotta · 15/11/2023 10:20

Check with her if her children are not expecting anything from family or if she was just being clear that she can’t afford to buy for your DC.
Express clearly that you would still like to get something small for her DC even though you understand and do not mind that it will
not be reciprocated.
I imagine the kids will really appreciate it if things are tight.

Mamato29192 · 15/11/2023 10:20

Yabu

sunstreaming · 15/11/2023 10:22

In my opinion, gifts are freely given and you should feel OK about accepting them, even if you can't reciprocate. Otherwise you're just exchanging/swapping and not 'giving'anything at all.It does take a huge effort to have the humility to accept a gift if you can't reciprocate though.

Watchthedoormat · 15/11/2023 10:22

I'd tell her how you feel and ask if she'd be ok with you buying a token gift for her DC.
Could you say you'd already bought the gifts?

crumblingschools · 15/11/2023 10:24

Could you take them to a pantomime or do something similar?

WifeOfTiresias · 15/11/2023 10:26

Are you sure she isn't getting her own DC anything? It's quite common to put a stop on buying for wider family, even kids (who presumably get presents from their own parents). DC are fine just getting gifts from their parents, most get deluged with gifts from wider family that they end up not appreciating so I can understand if SIL feels like this. However, most people would have to be in very serious straits to not buy their own DC any presents at all.

If she really is in such a bad position that she can't afford any presents for her DC, could you reach out and offer to help her, maybe offer to buy presents that she can give the DC? However, if it is more an ideological stance of wanting to make Christmas less materialistic, you need to defer to her wishes.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/11/2023 10:26

You risk embarrassing her if you give a gift to her children but she doesn't have one in return. Maybe stick to taking a tub of chocolate for the family as you have too much or something.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 15/11/2023 10:27

Have you misunderstood what she said? Two takes on this 1) She’s not buying gifts for anyone, including children, her own children included (I find this unlikely)
2) She’s not buying gifts for anyone outside of her own immediate family but will buy for her own dc.
Either way respect her wishes.

Original poster
curlymam · 15/11/2023 10:35

Thanks everyone for the replies. To answer some questions:

• Sorry if I've confused anyone in my OP, she is buying presents for her own DC but just no one else's in the family. I just wanted to clarify it wasn't just other adults she isn't buying for.

• I don't think she'll explain to her DC why we've not bought them anything as she's just not that type of personality. I can't really explain why, just from previous experience I believe that she won't.

• They live a couple of hundred miles away so we can't really pop by with a box of chocolates, any presents would have been posted. That's also why I'm a bit worried about her DC reaction, they don't see us or our DC very much and I want to try and keep that relationship happy.

Thank you for the advice so far, it seems people are definitely siding more with DH.

OP posts:
TrishIsMySpiritAnimal · 15/11/2023 10:36

That’s very annoying that you spent years buying her kids presents and when yours are still young she’s instigated the ‘no presents’ rule. Very convenient

AthenaPopodopolous · 15/11/2023 10:38

I agree with the idea that gifts should be freely given so why not speak to her and say you’d still like to give her teens something but expect nothing in return. Or you could just send twenty quid to her.

HiddenLegoOuch · 15/11/2023 10:40

I would definitely confirm that she isn’t buying gifts for you and yours (because she can’t afford it), AND that she isn’t expecting presents from you.

One of my family told me last year that she wasn’t buying presents as finances wouldn’t stretch outside her own DP and DC. That was fine, until she asked where their presents were on Christmas Day (she had meant that SHE wasn’t getting gifts for my DC and me, BUT was expecting presents for herself/her children!).

BoohooWoohoo · 15/11/2023 10:40

Is your h her only sibling ? The kids may notice no gift from other aunts/uncles/grandparents but wouldn't necessarily take it personally. If my kids were your niece and nephew then they'd be absolutely fine as they still received Christmas gifts.

s4usagefingers · 15/11/2023 10:41

Kids won’t notice a little present is missing. Phone them to say merry Christmas so they know you haven’t just forgot.

Razorcroft · 15/11/2023 10:42

I’d ask if you could send them a cinema voucher so they can see a Christmas movie (or something similar) with no pressure to reciprocate?

i wouldn’t want the kids to go without.

Moltenpink · 15/11/2023 10:42

Two members of my family still aren’t speaking after one didn’t respect the “no presents” agreement on Christmas 1999!

Breadhead1 · 15/11/2023 10:45

We started this last year but we do still get the kids, just not the adults. I'd feel a bit mean but I suppose if she can't afford to get your kids she feels a bit awkward. Shame for her kids to miss out. How old are they? Maybe you could post them a small voucher in a card, netflix, Spotify, Playstation, just a token amount.

Olika · 15/11/2023 10:48

Respect her wishes. Whatever follows from her decision within her family is up to her to deal with.

beachcitygirl · 15/11/2023 10:49

I would absolutely still be sending my nieces nephew's presents. Preferably to a trans house or somewhere (so I know they actually receive them) if sil wants to not by your kid's presents - fine. No problem but I wouldn't be ruled by her.

Ap24 · 15/11/2023 10:51

Definitely respect her wishes. Most children get far too many presents anyway and I'm sure she will explain, especially with them being older.