Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

225 replies

curlymam · 15/11/2023 10:13

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

OP posts:
Ktime · 15/11/2023 14:05

MimiSunshine · 15/11/2023 13:42

My friend did this. She was the 1st have DC by a long way. I bought them a gift, turns out so did her other friends.
by the time she was having her 2nd DC, I (and her other friends) were also having babies. Then she says “as there are so many children now shall we stop buying for kids to make it a bit easier?”

urm..? Well we’ve always bought for yours, it’s only you that now has other children to buy for.
but what can you say other than “sure, ok”.

Show quote history

I would stop buying for her as well! Cheeky cow.

Ktime · 15/11/2023 14:10

Ylvamoon · 15/11/2023 13:14

Some truth:

A present is something that someone wants to give.

SIL obviously doesn't want to give anything - yes, it's sad / unfair but OP can't change that can she?

I'd rather DC receive nothing than some random tat as mine were given in similar situation (think £1.- toys from the pund store, empty or half used make up, an old, dirty library book for a 2y old,...)

Show quote history

Some more truth: it’s SIL’s prerogative to stop buying.

What’s batshit is people telling OP to give SIL money or implying it’s mean for OP to stop sending presents.

People on MN just love spending other people’s money.

AquamarineGlasses · 15/11/2023 14:11

All this thread shows me is that for some people giving is all about them. In the abstract, giving without receiving looks like a generous, selfless act. I have, however, encountered so many incidents where people insist on giving you something to make themselves feel good without any thought as to how the gift would affect you. Nothing like overruling a parent’s decision for her own children so you can feel good about yourself!

Topseyt123 · 15/11/2023 14:25

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 11:49

Theres no way that would stop me getting them presents. I'd just write from santa on the tags.

That would be disrespectful if you have been specifically asked not to do gifts.

sandybeach12 · 15/11/2023 14:37

I would just clarify with SIL if she meant she didn’t want to buy for your DC because she can’t afford it and then ask her if she would be ok if you bought for her children? If she’s not ok then it’s clear, don’t buy for each other. There’s no harm in asking and clarifying.

Original poster
curlymam · 15/11/2023 15:14

Thank you everybody for your views. It's fascinating how split everyone is about it.

Just to clarify, they're definitely not on the breadline or of course we'd be offering to help in more meaningful ways. Just a busy year with some unforseen expenses. I think I'm leaning towards just leaving it but with the promise of some sort of day out or treat next time we're all together.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 15/11/2023 16:25

Topseyt123 · 15/11/2023 13:22

I'd say respect her wishes and don't feel bad about it.

In our family my sister and I have almost never given presents to each other's children. We agreed that when they were still small (all in their twenties now). To be honest, it was a relief and it made sense.

We've never given them to children in the wider family either as we all hardly know each other and paths rarely cross at all.

I know you mean well, but don't embarrass her here. Phone her to clarify and lend a sympathetic ear if you wish, but be guided by her. I've been in her position with money so tight, and it is shit. You don't want to feel obligated to others to spend money you don't have. Christmas is hard enough that way as it is.

Edited

I agree. I’ve only got a small family but my sister and I agreed years ago not to but each others DC gifts. It was just a token anyway and the kids never even noticed. They’re all adults now and it’s never been an issue.

I would be really pissed off if someone went against my express wishes and bought gifts when asked not to.

TrustyRusty68 · 15/11/2023 16:27

She’s made it clear that she’s not buying for your children but has she actually said not to buy for hers? She’s your sister - have a chat with her & let her know you understand, you’re not bothered about her not buying for your kids but if she’s ok with it, you’d still like to get something for hers. If she says no, you’ve got your answer :-)

chattyness · 15/11/2023 16:28

Please, please don't do it, you'll make her feel terrible & you'll hurt her feelings. It would have taken a lot for her to say this to you in the first place, she would have felt embarrassed and probably felt like she was being mean too even though she knows can't afford it and had to make the change. It's highly likely that she will have already told her children before she told you anyway.
I had to do this last year with my best friend and make her promise no to send Christmas or birthday presents because not just the cost of the gift it was postage on top, really adds up. It's a hard pill to swallow because it's not like you don't want to give, but the money just isn't there. You'll make her feel worse if you insist.

Findinganewme · 15/11/2023 16:32

I’d respect her wishes. There are other things you can do to maintain the happy relationship between the little cousins (which is really lovely of you to consider). What if you hosted them for a special treat takeaway/ lunch / cooked meal with some games and play thrown in. Perhaps, you could shout them and little outing and make your SIL feel less uncountable because it’s your invitation and you say that you’d all really like her kids to be there and it’s on you? I say little, because if it was something extravagant, it’s the same issue of her feeling embarrassed / pressured to reciprocate, perhaps .

MeridaBrave · 15/11/2023 16:33

I’d buy something v cheap for each kid max £5 each ideally £10 in total large toblerone, or similar choc. Or bubble bath. Can send via Amazon.

jlpth · 15/11/2023 16:34

It's likely that her kids aren't short of toys/stuff anyway and will have plenty at Christmas.

Cutting down a family worth of presents is quite normal and efficient. I'd just do as she says.

I mean (sorry to be rude), but you/dh and her/family can't be that close if you can't say to her: oh that's fine not to do presents, but I'm happy to send your kids £20 each anyway, if that alright with you - my kids are too young to notice anyway so no need to reciprocate?

Mumto2kids86 · 15/11/2023 16:39

Definitely respect her wishes. Maybe invite them over and do something nice for the kids like order a pizza?

Fleetingname · 15/11/2023 16:43

I don't understand why people are so set on giving lots of presents. And some of the suggestions- a selection pack for example. Is it just so they can have a mountain of presents to unwrap?
There is much insanity around Christmas and gift giving it seems, and the whole thing becomes really difficult because a person's own family traditions go up against another person's ( and that's just within one marriage) As the circle of all that widens i suppose it's not hard to see why these situations occurs.

I am on team 'not too many presents' and thankfully my family are much the same.

Want2beme · 15/11/2023 16:48

I had a similar message a few years back, except it said that I could buy presents for her girls, but wouldn't get any back. I politely declined to give any of them Xmas presents, and still don't several years later.

I'd respect her request, as it could get awkward.

Ktime · 15/11/2023 17:12

Fleetingname · 15/11/2023 16:43

I don't understand why people are so set on giving lots of presents. And some of the suggestions- a selection pack for example. Is it just so they can have a mountain of presents to unwrap?
There is much insanity around Christmas and gift giving it seems, and the whole thing becomes really difficult because a person's own family traditions go up against another person's ( and that's just within one marriage) As the circle of all that widens i suppose it's not hard to see why these situations occurs.

I am on team 'not too many presents' and thankfully my family are much the same.

Yep and the ‘won’t anyone think of the children’ laments about how the children will be traumatised for life if they don’t get a gift from an aunt or uncle they hardly see.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 15/11/2023 17:16

I'd explain to her that you are a bit worried about her children noticing that they haven't had a present from you, it is a valid concern if they're young and usually get presents from their aunt and uncle.

Abbyant · 15/11/2023 17:22

We’ve told all adults that we aren’t giving gifts this year but we are still getting the children and everyone has reciprocated because it’s tough this year for everyone. I’d probably say I’m happy for you to not get us or our children any gifts this year but I’d like to still give gifts to your children.

Headshoulderscheeseontoast · 15/11/2023 17:45

Why are you overthinking it?

If I got that message off a family member I'd just be happy I was given one less thing to worry about!

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 19:11

cardibach · 15/11/2023 12:28

I think ‘No presents, DC included’ implies reciprocally.

Edited
Show quote history

Well obviously I disagree. I think if it was meant both ways she'd say something like- hey shall we not bother doing presents for each others kids this year and just concentrate on our own or. If I couldn't afford (or whatever reason) to buy family children presents I wouldnt stop them from giving to mine, and would be grateful. Each to their own but in my opinion a gift is given with no expectation to receive one in return, and it has literally happened to me before where I've got gifts for children or even the whole family and me and my daughter havent had them back and I'm not bothered and she didnt notice and shes 15.

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 19:14

Or implementing a rule, which affects the children and they have no say in it. If sil doesnt want to give presents for whatever reason why should her own children miss out. I dont think I've ever given someone a gift to make myself feel good, I've only ever given gift to spoil someone or to thank them for everything theyve done for me.

Summerscoming23 · 15/11/2023 19:22

Could you send a game or something for the family ? Like pictionary air is about £10 ?

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 15/11/2023 19:53

I would try and find out why.
If they don’t want more more stuff then don’t send anything.
If it’s because they’re struggling financially I would say that I had already bought them and I would really like to send them but don’t want anything in return.
I don’t see gift giving as transactional though some do. Horses for…

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 15/11/2023 19:55

Sorry, read the whole thread and forgot to check back on the op and have just remembered she said she couldn’t afford it.
I would definitely ask about still sending then.

As for those making comments about how hers have had presents for years and now op has kids… no compassion?

LlynTegid · 15/11/2023 19:56

OP your update is sensible as an idea.

Swipe left for the next trending thread