SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

[curlymam]

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

‘Cruel’ is ridiculous

This is a much better idea. If you buy her DC a gift you will embarrass her.

Why are you not listening to her wishes !
she has asked nicely that you do not exchange gifts !
a few years ago we , as a family all agreed we would only buy for the younger kids .
now they are all older we agreed that once 18 it stops ,
we have stuck to that
this year our finances are tight and we won’t be buying much for our own children (now adults ) but they totally understand .
xmas presents should be just a token not a huge expense , some people genuinely are finding things hard , and it’s not easy to say please don’t buy us anything .
please respect her wishes and do not buy anything !

You’re not being unreasonable - as long as you let her know what you’re doing.

I have had years where I have really struggled to buy presents for family members/children but felt obliged. I have also had years where I have said I can’t afford it - and it almost always means other family don’t buy for my DC. This is sometimes because they are also struggling and are relieved to be absolved of it all (completely fair enough) but sometimes it is under the misguided impression that I would be embarrassed, or just because they feel that if I’m not doing it they shouldn’t have to either.

Does it thrill me not to be able to be generous with gifts? No. Am I old enough to manage my own feelings so my kids can have a good time? Yes

I wouldn’t say “I can’t buy for your DC but please buy for mine”, as it is rude and entitled to do so. But I would never prevent my children being given gifts which are given freely.

When you’re struggling a bit it can be difficult to get gifts even for your own DC gifts, so the impact on losing out from wider presents (however token) may be felt more keenly.

All you need to do is call SIL and say you’d really like to give something regardless of whether you’re receiving gifts or not, as for you presents aren’t about parity in every case, and would she be ok with this? Is there something on their lists you could contribute to? Would a cinema voucher type gift be ok?

To be honest there have been some years where, as grateful as I am for people giving my children anything, I would have been even more grateful if they’d asked if they could get something to put under the tree and said they wouldn’t mind who I said it was from. It can be really hard when you’re trying to make £20 go a long way and someone else swoops in with the £50 Lego set which was requested! (But worth it obviously)

if you want to be of real help and support just work out what your priority is and communicate with SIL!!

How old are her DC?

My DC have never noticed if someone stops buying them things (and some have). Do you buy grand gesture gifts? because I think that’s the only way children would notice in a pile of presents that someone hasn’t bought them something.
I would listen to her and not get them anything.

That’s a nice idea. Plus if she’s skint and can’t afford treats if she’s child free that day she could have a quiet day and watch a movie etc.

Why don’t you do a little ‘tree’ gift for all the children? Just something small that can hang on the tree in little bags…or fill your own crackers with names on for all the children?

Why does it have to be 'tit for tat' ? You can still.buy for her children cant you? . Or you could split what you spend and address a small parcel from her to yours. Lots of ways round this one.

Why not do the same yourself. Christmas presents are such a waste of time and money.

What part of she’s not wanting to do presents don’t you understand 🙄

Have you watched Martyn Lewis on this subject?

I would speak to her and say you respect her decision not to do christmas presents, however would she mind if you still got her children something small, and that it's not to be reciprocated.

I’m going to go against the majority. My nieces and nephews ages are 14, 24, 27 and 29 and I buy them gifts every Christmas because I want to give them all a gift, they get a little something that I know they like. My brothers and BIL all stopped buying gifts for my two children once they turned 18 which is their prerogative and I’m fine with and I know that I’m the exception. If you want to get her children something you should and if she’s embarrassed that’s her issue. I think as your DC are still children your SIL could get them something even if it was a selection box for £1.25. It’s. 5 weeks until Christmas I’m sure she can spare £2.50. If any of my children’s aunts and uncles weren’t getting them anything at all when they were little I would be upset because they could pick them up something from Poundland and they would be grateful for the thought and something to open.

I’d still give presents to your nieces and nephews. Plus I buy my gifts early so I would also already have them bought so just say that if asked.

I agree completely, that’s how I am too.

Please please please respect her wishes!

A number of years ago my husband (now ex) and I were in this position, he lost his job just before Christmas, we could afford to buy for our kids but not extended family. Not one of his family listened and all gave us gifts...sitting around the tree opening presents with nothing to return. It embarrassed us and made our situation feel even worse than it was.

Well said
she says no presents respect that
No presents , no gift tokens , no little things on the tree
does it really matter

Please watch the Martin Lewis video that explains just why giving a gift can often be a negative thing. It just might help your decision
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KIXFSnNe_wQ

I stopped buying gifts for my nieces and nephews years ago, I’ve got 14 of them and then some of them started having kids of their own. It was getting a tad expensive.
I never got gifts from my aunts or uncles, my cousins didn’t receive any from us either.

Martin Lewis is so right @Riv

My mum tried to do this when we were younger, she felt it was just money swapping in cards between cousins.
My aunty didn’t listen and pitched up at the door with a card each for my sister and I with money inside , so poor mum had to then find an extra twenty pound for her two kids.

id listen to your dh on this one

When you see them give them a few quid.

She may have felt that because she can’t afford to buy you and yours anything that she’d feel guilty if you brought them. If you really want to get them something then I would at the end of the day they are your niece/nephews and if you want to treat them you should :)

Did she say don’t buy for her dc or just that she’s not buying for yours?

I would say that you want to buy for her dc and that you understand why she can’t. Ask if she would be offended.

My brother has for the last two years said he won't be getting anyone presents as he can't afford to reciprocate. He's always at my parents on Christmas day and it feels wrong to be giving out presents (my 4dc, 3 of whom are adult also give grandparents presents) and not giving him any. So now we give him a token present or a tesco voucher so he can buy food. He seems to accept that.