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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

225 replies

curlymam · 15/11/2023 10:13

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

OP posts:
Ktime · 15/11/2023 11:51

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 11:49

Theres no way that would stop me getting them presents. I'd just write from santa on the tags.

That’s disrespectful of their wishes and saying you know better.

OpenLanes · 15/11/2023 11:52

Explain to SIL that you completely understand not doing presents because of finances, but is it OK if you still get her DC something with no expectation of anything in return as you enjoy Christmas shopping

ShirleyPhallus · 15/11/2023 11:55

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 11:49

Theres no way that would stop me getting them presents. I'd just write from santa on the tags.

You are loco

Leeds2 · 15/11/2023 11:58

I would respect her wishes. If I asked people not to buy presents, and they went ahead and did it anyway, I would be very annoyed at the "I know best" attitude and that my perfectly reasonable request had been ignored. Listen to your husband!

BringMeTea · 15/11/2023 12:04

@SweetBirdsong I think it's time for a revival of 'get bent'. I shall be using at earliest opportunity.

Doteycat · 15/11/2023 12:04

curlymam · 15/11/2023 11:04

See, I wasn't sure if I was being cynical but that's definitely crossed my mind too...

Show quote history

My sister did this. Waited until all hers were adults and the rest of us had smallys, she had a big age gap between hers and ours, and then decided that there shldnt be any gifts to the kids, just a small family token gift.
So I basically spent 15 years getting her kids presents, and mine got maybe 2 years from her.
She would also go absolutely bananas if a birthday card was late for one of hers, but then decided that there were too many birthdays once we had our kids. It went from her 3 only, to their being 13, and she skipped all their birthdays.
Me being disgusted with her doesnt make me grabby or a wagon, it makes her an absolute bitch.

sarahh96 · 15/11/2023 12:09

Respect her wishes. Money is tight. I was in her position last year and said the same.
It caused such an argument within the family that I relented and bought presents I couldn't afford. I'm very resentful over that.
I hardly have my heating on as I can't afford it and yet I was practically forced into buying presents.
It was the adults that stamped their feet and went into a tantrum, the kids really didn't care

Sconehenge · 15/11/2023 12:10

As you’re not going to be together on the day (ie she’s not going to be embarrassed on the day when she is empty handed and you aren’t) I think it’s fine to just say, “hey totally understand! We are still keen to send your DC a little something though, let me know if ok?”

RagzRebooted · 15/11/2023 12:13

My sister never gets me or my DCs presents (maybe once or twice for the DCs in 17 years) partly due to finance and partly she just isn't that organised, but I get her and her DCs (primary age) presents because I want to and they appreciate it. They don't get many (if any) presents from other relatives, whereas mine get presents from my SIL.

creativegoblin · 15/11/2023 12:14

curlymam · 15/11/2023 11:04

See, I wasn't sure if I was being cynical but that's definitely crossed my mind too...

Show quote history

Please stop poverty shaming this poor lady. She has told you she can't afford presents. Respect her wishes !

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 15/11/2023 12:17

Please respect her wishes, otherwise you will be setting up an obligation. She has been clear and has spoken to you about it - don't be that person.

RB68 · 15/11/2023 12:19

IF you are seeing them get them a couple of gift vouchers and I would let them have them outside of the christmas palaver and just say to them, look Mum said no gift giving this yr, but hope this helps a bit as a just because - say a 10 er or 20 if you want. Make them starbucks, amazon etc so generic and dont get christmassy ones. Or even get them later in Jan after everything so not associated with CHristmas.

The family are obviously struggling a bit at the moment so it would help take some pressure off parents

Canisaysomething · 15/11/2023 12:23

We never had presents from aunties and uncles at Christmas. We had big families on both my mum and dad’s side and to do presents for nieces and nephews would have been insane. We had presents from parents, grandparents and Santa only and that was more than enough.

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 12:24

No it isnt. She hasnt said not to buy for her children.

cardibach · 15/11/2023 12:28

Concannon88 · 15/11/2023 12:24

No it isnt. She hasnt said not to buy for her children.

I think ‘No presents, DC included’ implies reciprocally.

Jasmine876 · 15/11/2023 12:31

If she is genuinely skint then she needs to prioritise buying her own kids. Personally, I would find a way to make sure I even picked up some selection packs and colouring things for my own nieces and nephews in that situation but her budget might not stretch.

Gowlett · 15/11/2023 12:34

The children won’t notice. Don’t buy them presents.

phoenixrosehere · 15/11/2023 12:36

Leeds2 · 15/11/2023 11:58

I would respect her wishes. If I asked people not to buy presents, and they went ahead and did it anyway, I would be very annoyed at the "I know best" attitude and that my perfectly reasonable request had been ignored. Listen to your husband!

Agree.

It always says to me, their feelings and wants matter more. I’ve had family tell me not to buy their kids presents. I didn’t buy them presents, simple as that.

waterrat · 15/11/2023 12:37

The idea that gifts are 'freely given' just isn't correct. Gifts are a ritual tied into cultural specific understanding of reciprocity!

Unfortunately you can't remove the gift from the cultural context ! And in every culture humans have - giving a gift creates a recipricol obligatoin.

I really really hate it when people give too much - for their own desires - the Sil can't afford gifts and wants to remove the obligation - her children will cope! She has probably explained to them - but if notwhy not just check in with her on that.

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 15/11/2023 12:44

I'd put some money in her card and tell her to spend it on having a nice family Xmas.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 15/11/2023 12:45

Honestly, I continued to get the most utterly crappy Christmas gifts from family I saw once a year at most, right up to my late teens and I really wish they hadn't bothered. Well, they didn't bother. It was obvious that the gifts came from pound shops. Respect her wishes.

FrustratedMumHelp · 15/11/2023 12:47

If still buy for her kids

WoollyRosebud · 15/11/2023 12:51

If you’re not likely to see them I wouldn’t fuss about presents. Or, put a few pounds in a piggy bank for them each time your SIL doesn’t want to do presents. They can have the money at some stage in the future. Even if its only £50 or so.

My aunt announced the same at a family gathering but still wanted presents for her grandchildren. Said it wasn’t fair as the adult cousins had all had x number of presents over the years so the grandchildren shouldn’t get less. I pointed out that I was the youngest cousin so had got less so would I still get presents. I was joking naturally. It caused quite the family row and the rest of the family carried on swapping presents and ignored her and her children plus grandchildren.

welcometothnuthouse · 15/11/2023 12:55

Why can't people listen to and respect others wishes, she said no presents, which I take to mean no presents. Don't overrule herwishes that is so rude even if you mean well. I would take issue with you if I was her and you did it regardless.

lechatnoir · 15/11/2023 12:57

I buy for our niece but don't think my DC have ever received so much as a card from BIL. If things are tight absolutely fine to not buy for people and she is being respectful in saying as I won't be buying we don't expect to receive, but if her DC are older and have always had a gift from you I'd feel mean suddenly stopping if you can still afford to buy - just ask if it's still OK to get her DC something.