SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

[curlymam]

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

To the PP who commented on the SIL accepting presents in the past and then basically refusing to return the favour...
We've had this too! My DP is the youngest of a very large family, and when we were first together he had about 20 nieces and nephews - we bought for every single one of them up to the age of 18, every year.
Fast forward a few years till we had kids, conveniently enough the older siblings all decide that the family is now too big and it's all got out of hand so they won't be buying presents any more - so our kids get nothing from any of their legions of aunts and uncles!

I’d still send them a gift esp if things are tight at home. I’d just explain you still want to give and you don’t give to get and please as her not to stop you giving as it’s a pleasure for you.

She said no presents
no presents

Tell your SIL your getting something small for her DCs anyway. The act of giving is not done so you get something back!

Christmas is about giving not receiving. Buy the kids a present.
Just give it to them when she’s out the room to save her embarrassment

I cannot tell if people are trolling or actually this dense

I'd get my own kids more presents with the money I would have spent on her's, fuck that, you spend x number of years getting her kids presents, now she's not returning the generosity when you have young kids, as mentioned, how convenient.

I'd just ask. "I know you aren't buying for DC this year but would you be ok with us sending something small?"

Please watch the martin lewis Christmas message, many people feel too uncomfortable / embarrased doing what your SIL has done, she has probably thought about it for a long time,. By still buying for her children this year, however small, means she is back to square one next year as you haven't listened. This makes you appear like you couldn't possibly do what she has done putting yourself on the moral highground otherwise you would've just sent a nice card. This says so much more about you than her, you're main concern seems to be how much her children like you which you are measuring in money spent. She is clearly not doing the same so it's my guess her children are brought up with those values and wouldn't judge you on a gift.
Maybe suggest you all meet up for a day out in spring.
PLEASE WATCH MARTIN LEWIS XMAS MESSAGE

Exactly.

Please have the decency to respect her wishes.

For god's sake READ THE FUCKING ROOM - she doesn't want to exchange gifts.

Thank you!!

A lot of families have had to make this decision this year...times are hard for many and Bill's have to come first
Even if you can afford it obviously SIL is struggling and has been honest with you....Respect tat

Take her kids to the Panto or a Christmas Fair. You can still give her children some Christmas fun without running roughshod over SIL financial worries. I'm taking 2 x 16 year olds and 1 x 15 year old to the Panto next month - and they are so excited! Plan a great experience with invisible cost.

I think this is the answer, my mum was so proud and skint when we were young.

ofcourse she’d rather her kids gifts be padded by family, she’s ashamed she can’t reciprocate so feels this is the only appropriate way to say.

i’d give her an early Christmas present of cash, if she feels embarrassed tell her to be quiet and treat the kids if she doesn’t need it

Respect her wishes

The key word here is “guessing”
ask her, talk to her
then post here without guessing.

Yes the original wording of her request would be useful, how did she word it? not that she should have to explain. I'm guessing as I don't know her but either way she has informed you of her intentions in plenty of time to avoid you already buying for her children so don't do it
I don't agree with the post about giving her cash, that's patronising in my opinion, you are giving her cash by agreeing and relieving her of the pressure to buy.

I really can't imagine this is the case... Things are a bit different now than a few years ago, I'd just respect her wishes and respect that we are in a cost of living crisis.

Surely people should give gifts out of kindness, not be because they expect to be repaid years later 🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, I know that clearly isn't the case, but it should be.

At most you could reach out to her and ask if it was okay to buy them a small gift (chocolates, socks etc), but whatever she says it should be respected, even if you disagree.

How old are her children? Mine are 11, 9 and 9. My sister and I have agreed not to do presents this year and I’ll just say to my kids we’re not swapping presents this year as money is tight for everyone. They won’t give it a second thought. Defo respect her wishes!

Kids have a birthday , get them a present then.

All this pressure to buy presents is crazy. Do what she asks.

Seriously !!
she has asked for no presents respect that !!

I agree with @BalletBob

She's asked you not to buy gifts for her children. You should respect that