SIL not doing Christmas presents this year

[curlymam]

SIL has told us she doesn't want to do Christmas presents this year, DC included, as she can't afford it. That's fine with us, our DC are young enough that they won't notice a present missing from her. But her DC are older and they will definitely notice, and I'm guessing she's not going to explain that she asked us not to buy them anything.

I think it's a bit cruel not to buy anything for her DC and still want to get them something, but DH thinks we should leave it alone as SIL has made it clear she wont be getting anything for ours and may be embarrassed.

WWYD?

YABU - Don't buy them anything as SIL has requested.

YANBU - They're only children, get them something anyway.

Cruel? Let’s not go over the top although I know your intentions are good.

she is their mother so what she says goes. I wouldn’t bother going against that.

Ring up or video call on Christmas morning and wish them a cheerful happy Christmas.

If you must then add an extra bit of cash in a card for their birthdays.

just to say though….. in the past she had no issue receiving your gifts but now she needs to do the same for you, she suddenly wants it all to stop? Odd?

I might be against the grain here , but I’d buy a little something anyway and pop it from Santa. I’d just quietly without a word pop it under their tree when visiting near Christmas . Growing up we didn’t have a lot, and I know my mum sometimes had to cut back - as I am having to now. But I was so grateful for little gifts that her friends had got.

i have only ever said “no gifts” when money was very dire - so she may be in the same boat and just not be able to return the favour. Doesn’t mean it’s not nice to share gifts if you’re financially able to xx

It must be mortifying to not be able to afford to buy presents even for the children. You’d only admit this if it was absolutely necessary. So YABU.

This ∆

Exactly.

Maybe they're trying to tone down the grabby, consumerist aspect of Christmas. It's rude to barge in and override that.

I doubt the kids will notice or care that people hundreds of miles away didn't buy them anything.

Kids love to receive cards & letters; post one apiece to them if you feel you must do something.

Exactly, well said!

You need to respect her wishes.

Gosh some replies are strange imo!
Surely if kids are skint then thats MORE cause to give them something?

I've received gifts and not reciprocated either coz they were unexpected or some other reason, i just accepred graciously. I have also given and not received and not minded at all.

But maybe ask the mum first.

Please don't buy them presents!

I know you mean well but she has asked you not to and hasn't got the money. She will feel guilty and pressured to do it again in the future. This could ruin her Christmas!

Life is so much fun and easier at Christmas just being around family and without having to buy presents!

Nice to know that if I ever became stuck in hard times that the timing of my financial difficulty could be judged as “oh it’s only because her kids are older and mine are young so she can’t be bothered to buy mine anything”

some of you lot just scream “me, me, me”

Well said!

Me and my sister do a strict £10 budget for our kids and don't buy for each other as adults. Works well. Might be worth suggesting a budget option if you think she would entertain that.

I think you have to respect her wishes, and not buy anything this year.

I don’t understand why you think she wouldn’t tell her children what had been agreed…

My DB and I don’t buy each others kids Christmas gifts. We instead go out for a day in the summer (we live 100+ miles apart) and instead make a fuss on birthdays. Kids have never questioned it. It’s just their/our normal.

I always take the position “thats absolutely fine, its your choice, I choose who I buy gifts for” my ex SIL did the same years ago, clear line, there should be no expectation or pressure to reciprocate gifts

I think if you want to gift you should. Giving is not about receiving. Just express to SIL that you want to get something small for her children and do not expect or want anything in return.

YABU. This sounds totally fabulous!!!

Yanbu

I feel you don't have to know that you are receiving a gift to give anything.
I've been very close to your SIL position. She has been honest with you. Christmas is a time for giving. I'd get her DC something anyway, but hold it back until you've spoken to SIL.

I'd say something like, I totally appreciate that you're not buying for Christmas this year, I saw something for your DC though, can we gift it to your DC with absolutely no pressure nor expectation for you to gift in return?
Alternatively, we can hold on to it until another occasion.

When I was in SIL's position, I gifted experiences to my neices and nephew. I saw the idea somewhere. Over the year they cashed in on their experiences. I took some to the beach for the day, others to a big park and the smallest I offered to babysit. Parents were happy and I had some quality time with my nieces and nephews.

My siblings and IL's gifted my children gifts within their price range.

Has she specifically asked you not to buy for her DC? Or has she just said that she can’t buy for your DC? I would ask her if she minds if you still get something for her kids, if she says no then you’ll have to abide by her decision.

My sister doesn’t buy for my kids as she’s on a low income and can’t afford it, which is absolutely fine, but I still buy her kids something.

Why don’t you message her, and ask if you can send a tub of chocolates via Amazon, for everyone to enjoy? Make it clear you understand what she said, and don’t expect anything in return, just wanted to send a little something for the season.

Don’t punish the children because she might be struggling with money, if you can afford it then buy her children something, but explain to her first and tell her you don’t need her to buy anything.

When is a ‘gift’ not a ‘gift’? Answer = when it places a moral burden on recipients (or their parents) to reciprocate, even if they can ill afford it.
No use saying “i’ll give but won’t expect a gift in return” as it is a matter of pride & integrity of for recipient, and has made it clear way in advance that no gifts are to be exchanged. Don’t embarrass / annoy her by ignoring her wishes. I’m sure her children won’t be too put out, and it saves you the hassle of trying to work out what they want in future, let’s face it buying for older kids can be difficult/expensive. Focus on the enjoyment of time spent together over xmas instead - that’s what Christmas is really about.

I did this to be able to afford better presents for my children, due to a loss of income. I was glad when most people didn't buy anything for my children. My sil kept buying gifts and it upset me, because I felt I had to reciprocate. After a few xmases I stopped reciprocating and they finally ended it. Please respect sils wishes by not sending any gifts. Just post a lovely card, they'll appreciate it.